Can you help me?

I'm 20 and fed up of feeling the way I do, however I'm not sure what will help, I believe that many of the problems I have today have been as a result of my childhood.

I don't remember a time when my parents were together, and I'm unsure as to why they split up and so I feel that I have some abandonment issues due to the fact that all I knew growing up was that my father was not around, and when I was younger I used to stay up until my mother went to sleep as I was afraid she would leave me, It feels a little odd to be typing this here as I've never told anyone this before.

My mother had a boyfriend/partner for around 16 years so I've had a steady male figure in my life from an early age however we didn't particularly bond a few years ago my mother told me they were breaking up due to something she had done, and in that moment I felt I had to be strong but also I didn't fully realise the affect that having to move out of my home and leaving my dogs behind would have on me, I cried myself to sleep most nights after and I felt so angry towards my mother for taking that life away, I do understand that it must not have been easy for her either, however we don't really talk as we've never been that close I feel so bad saying this because I worry what she would feel about all of this, however I also wonder how often my mother and father think about how the way they have handled things have affected me. The relationship I have with my mother isn't particularly a strong bond, we're friendly but I've never really been able to talk about how I feel with her as I don't want to upset her and because I'm afraid that she'll dismiss these feelings that I have as some sort of 'teenage' phase.

A few years ago I broke up with an ex who was an absolutely lovely guy that didn't deserve to have been treated the way I treated him and I feel horrible due to the fact that I simply didn't believe that he loved me and so I ended it, I didn't understand how someone else could love me when my own father couldn't even be bothered to stick around(I barely speak to him these days only on B'days/christmas)

I now have a boyfriend who I'm worried will get fed up of my crying and confusion, even though he reasures me that he does indeed love me and is there for me, it somehow doesn't seem real. I'm scared to tell people how I feel incase they leave or dislike me and although I feel like such a cliche and when I write it down it doesn't seem like that big of a deal but in the moments when I feel so alone and horrible about myself it seems like I'll never get over this feeling.

I've never rebelled in any way, I don't drink and I'm in my second year of university so it looks like I'm doing good, but sometimes it's just so hard to deal with these feelings and I really have no idea what to do, any sort of help or advice from someone who has been through something like this or knows a bit about it would help me very much, thank you!

8 Replies

  • i myself had similar experience and it seems you have been through an awful lot and are still mentally processing it.Have you spoken to the doctor about CBT.I feel you would benefit a lot from it.I hope this helps.

  • thank you for replying it's something I will research and talk to my doctor about!

  • Hi

    You have had a difficult time and have the insight to realise your difficulties are likely to go back to issues around abandonment. That suggests you would benefit from sharing your feelings with someone rather than turning to medication for help with your feelings.

    You do not say whether you are working. If you do have an income you may be able to pay for private sessions with a counsellor or therapist - you can find details of qualified people via the UKCP or BACP websites - if you are not working your GP could refer you to a counsellor or you could see whether there are any voluntary agencies locally that offer counselling - the local Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to tell you which agencies offer counselling and depending upon where you live there may be cou7nselling for people on low incomes such as benefits.

    At the moment you are in a relationship with your boyfriend but trying to deal with difficult emotions about relationships and that will inevitably be causing difficulty. You will probably be seeking the security with your boyfriend that you needed in the past from your parents and have very mixed feelings when you do not get it, hence your confusion. You may be helped by beginning to think about what you want to do with your life - I know that will be difficult in the circumstances, but if you are able to establish other areas of life that do offer some satisfaction then they will help balance the emotions you are dealing with and also help support you while you do talk about the painful feelings. You may be able to go to college and achieve the qualifications that get you into employment that offers satisfaction and that will enable you to take more emotional security in yourself rather than seeking it within your relationships.

    Do seek help with the feelings as they are easier to deal with at a young age than later in life when depression has become deep seated and a way of being.


  • thank you for your reply, I'm a student in my second year living away from home, but I live with my boyfriend, the university has counselling facilities but I'm worried about whether they only talk to students about university related issues, I feel strange talking to people about how I feel because I'm not used to it

  • Hi there. Please don't be afraid to talk to the counsellors at University. You can talk about your stuff to them as these issues

    Will affect how you do at college. So give that a try.

    You have had a hard time yes but most people now go through different things in their childhood . Very few including myself had

    Ideal childhood. At least now you are responsible for your

    Life and you have a chance to make positive and self affirming

    Choices to enable you to have a good life.

    Maybe in time as you resolve and talk over the past you will

    Begin to let go the resentment you feel towards your Mum. I got

    Much closer to my Mum as she got older even though I had

    My issues with her too . I think you have a lot of insight into

    What's going on and I agree with Sue that some type of talking

    Things over in therapy would really help. Is there any kind of

    Student support meeting that you could go to locally or at college.?

    You sound like a bright girl so begin to love yourself and please

    Stay in touch and let us know how your getting on


  • Hi again, you will find that University counsellors are well qualified and used to dealing with all the issues people might take to them so do talk with them. Suex

  • Hi TWilson.

    I think you would really benefit from a few counselling sessions. Being able to talk candidly to someone in a none judgmental environment will help you to work through any issues you have and alleviate the burden you seem to be carrying. It might also be good to look into confidence building classes so you can appreciate and improve your self worth.

    Secondhandrose makes a good point in seeking to establish new areas of your life in which you can take satisfaction. This will encourage you to think positively, and not to dwell in the past but to think optimistically about the future.

    All the best. X

  • Hi hope your feeling better we might think were stable cz wer doing well academicly but we have to deal with these emotions which are like waves inthe ocean I think talking about it to your mother may help to over come with something that needs to be dealt with she might tell you her view experiance tht may change your whole prospective of the situation. :)

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