I am scared.

Im 17.

I should not be feeling this way. I have never been 'diagnosed' but i strongly believe i do need help.

I have had this 'depression' since i was 12.

Thats five years. Five years of this unnecessary, horrible, traumatic pain i have been through and am going through.

At the age of 12, i was bullied constantly at school because i was 'fat' and 'ugly'. I had barely any friends, and i thought everyone hated me.

One day, after school i came home and cried for hours and then tooo a handful of tablets. I dont know why i did this, or what i was expecting but i did it anyway.

I was fine obviously, but i never told anyone about it, untill this day.

Just before i turned 13, i started 'cutting' myself.

First it started off with scratches from scissors, which soon lead to sharpener blades and then razor blades.

This lasted for about 2 years, but my family never found out. The only person that knew was my boyfriend.

My family constantly argue. My mum and dad drink non stop from midday onwards, saying 'they are allowed to chill now they have finished work'

Which shouldnt mean a glass of wine or a beer every half hour.

I have no real friends.

I never have.

I have never been to a party, or invited to one.

I have never been involved in a 'friendship group'

I refused to present infront of audiences at school, as i cannot physically do it which lead me to fail 2 gcses.

I didnt even go to prom. Or attend my last school day. Nor did i have anyone ask me if i was okay, or seem bothered that i wasnt there.

I overdosed at school once. It wasnt supposed to be at school. This was my first ever proper 'attempt'.

I got taken to the hospital that evening, but they checked me over after hours of being sick and sent me home.

The last time was the time i said about in my last post. I told my 'best friend' and all she said was 'oh your a idiot' so i just tried to forget about it and move on.

I hate waking up.

I cant sleep.

Im not happy atall.

I really do feel as though im not good enough, im failing or im a dissapointment.

I cant put into words how i feel right now but i am trying.

I cant grieve. I cant feel.

I dont know how to cope living with pcos because all i want is a baby, but my boyfriend doesnt care about future kids.

I have been through stuff that no one my age deserves to suffer through.

Im so lost and dazed.

I havent been able to face my doctors.

I am so so scared they are going to think i am a danger to myself so they will have to involve the wrong people.

Im sick of this i just want peace because i do have suicidal thoughts sometimes.

I want to be happy again and i want to be able to make my boyfriend happy, instead of me being his 'patient'. I just need something to help me through this because i have always believed i have known the way i am going to die, and i feel as though it is getting closer and closer everyday.

[Satsuma]

I am sorry to learn of your story Hidden But ... I am pleased to read that you want to be happy again . Elimination of negativity is imperitif for positivity to thrive.

If you look at my previous post on ways to combat depression, I am sure they will give you a prop to get started on the happiness path.

[Muunie]

Hey JJH

Wow sounds like you've been through some tough times!!

I'ts time to get yourself to a doctor.....seriously. No one has to know, you can just go and have a chat, you dont have to take any meds or see anyone you dont want to. From my experience the doctors are way too laid back so dont expect any miracles either. Like you MIGHT get sectoined if you get wheeled into ER with slit wrists or something but even then they might just send you home.

Seeking help is the first and hardest step. Its like having to admit to yourself and other people that you really are in terrible pain (admitting to yourself is the hardest), like, you know... if you denied it, it might go away, life might miraculously get better. It doesn't.

When I spoke about it with the doctors , even though some of them didn't seem to really give a damn, it was like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like, ok... I'm not well, now how can I get better. It makes a BIG difference.

You see, the cutting and suicide attempts are you trying to fix the problem. I know this feeling, the pain gets so bad, most people don't recognise that this pain is real, like just pull yourself together and stop being so weak. You reach for anything that might take the pain away, maybe even the off switch.

It sounds like you ARE in danger. Look....taking pills to overdose is really dangerous. Say you just end up in hospital. The doctors say to you "oh you have really bad depression, we have this medication but your organs are in too bad shape to take them", now the situation is X10 bad.

OK at this point its probably time to go into the fact that depression is an illness. Its not that you have a defective personality in any way. Its like if you had diabetes and people thought "wow there is something wrong with this person, they have diabetes, why don't they they just pull themselves together". Like all illnesses you can do things to get better, but please start by reaching out for help (I guess that's why you are on this forum). Lots of people get depression and there are many kinds and reasons for depression. Lots of people get better too.

There is lots of infornmation on depression, lots of videos on youtube, lots of solutions.

Its important to know this:....You are the only person that can make you better, so arm yourself with all the tools and knowledge you are going to need to get through.

Another little tip (this may sound stupid but it was a revelation for me)...

a relaxed mind is a happy mind

a stressed mind is a sick mind

basically what this means is the best medicine is going to be things that help you to relax, be it excercise, diet, meditation, yoga walking in the hills..whatever it takes!!

Avoid stress at all costs......not an easy one, I am 37 and only now have I resolved to not do things that make me stressed because other people want me to, or to make other people happy. Still there are many stressfull situations, one has to remain vigilant always.

Ok one last thing, you probably know by now that life is one crazy rollercoaster ride. The ups and downs are there for everyone (some more than others), one has to learn to relax and enjoy the ride. There are no fairy tales, life is far more precious than fairy tales. Depression can be a great teacher.

I wish you all the best on your journey, I hope you stay with us on this forum

[Shawmind]

Hi - admin here. I echo the comments of other forum members that you need to go see your doctor. This is a priority for you. Please book an appointment today.

In the meantime, we have a dedicated area on The Shaw Mind Foundation website for young people and teenagers if you want to have a look. Please note that this area is aimed at age 10+ so we do use quite 'young' language at times, but the content is very useful. See the links below.

shawmindfoundation.org/supp...

shawmindfoundation.org/supp...

If you want to look at some guides on The Shaw Mind Foundation website for young people and mental health, depression and self harm, then please feel free to download. But most importantly, you need to book in to see your GP to discuss how you are feeling. Links to the guides are below:

Mental health, children and teens shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

Social media and mental health shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

Bullying and mental health shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

Depression shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

Self harm shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

Suicide prevention shawmindfoundation.org/wp-c...

Please keep the forum updated on your progression and how your appointment went at the doctors. We are a friendly bunch and always here if you need to chat.

Admin (Natalie)

[MaisyMay2]

Hey there,

I'm 17 too and ive suffered with anxiety since a little kid, and from about the age of 13 ive suffered with depression because of it

I can completely relate to what you say in regards to never being invited out, and even if i am i'm petrified, say no and lose a friend!

I didnt attend my last day of school, i thought someone would notice but i got no messages like "going to miss you", and i certainly didnt attend prom. That would have been a nightmare!

It's scary feeling like this when we're so young, as i feel my teenage years have been stolen and i have barely any nice memories. I have nothing to look forward to and this is getting to a point where i am genuinely frightened as i'm not sure if there will ever be an end to this.

All i can say is i honestly hope you get the support and help you need. If youre close to a family member tell them, i'm fortunate enough to have a mum who is my best friend and my absolute rock. Though the fact she isnt very well at the moment scares me to death as i wouldnt be able to go on without her. If you ever need a chat, or a friend to listen, please message me! Take care of yourself

[Hidden]

Hi there. You say, 'I want to be happy again...' That's a really positive and hopeful comment from someone who has endured so much hardship. Life can be tough at 17, even when things are going well but I'm sure you have a very bright future ahead. Keep wanting to be happy and and in time you will be. Take care.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

❤️

[Olderal]

Hello, obviously anyone reading your post,like me, will have the deepest sympathy for you. To escape from all these problems there are some things that you must do for yourself as no one else can do them for you. The most important thing is you must make an appointment to see your GP. If you think it will be difficult to explain your problems face to face write out the most important problems , not the complete list as you have posted, just the most important ones to you and hand it to the doctor. They will probably ask some questions and prescribe something to help.

This is the first step towards ridding you of all these problems and we've pretty well all had to do it. As I say , no one can see the doctor for you, and you do need a GPs help. Your home situation does not sound good but if you have an older sister or brother they might agree to accompany you to the doctor which may make it easier for you, should you want this.

Olderal

[Redhots7]

Jjh-px, High School is just a very small part of your journey. Prom is just another event, you have many many events ahead of you! Teen years are really hard but you will spend most of your life as an adult. Throw yourself into education , spend time with what is ahead of you. Don't dwell on past disappointments, when those thoughts come, refuse to allow them to stay, think of something you can do that you might enjoy. Find an interest then expand on it. Do you draw well? Do you like to read ? Do you like I cook, exercise, etc. Your life is so much more than " right now". God has plans for you, start talking to Him just like you would to a friend. He will guide you if you will only ask 😘

[Aiden1996]

It sounds like you've lived a similar life to me. I used to be extremble extroverted but now I live as a recluse. I have no confidence and my attempts were unknown byou family. Want kids but literally no one in the world to have even friendship with. Parents aren't alcoholics but they are absent. I would say I know what you're going through because I'm there but I've built myself my coping mechanism to take away the pain. I always offer help to people.who ask so don't hesitate ☺

[Hidden in reply to Aiden1996]

Thankyou x