I need help

I'm new here, I'm a 23 year old male from the United Kingdom. I have put myself in a bad situation. In 2010 I moved from London to Warrington into a guys house that I met online, my mother who I was living with was an alcoholic so it was very easy for me to just pack up and leave. So ive been living in Warrington with the guy I met online for 7 years now, and because of many things, my only choices now are to become homeless or to end my life. Here are the reasons why: My boyfriend is a drug fanatic, he smokes weed all the time which then got me into smoking it, we are now addicted, and have smoked weed everyday for around 3 years now, because of this I have no motivation, I feel paranoid and anxious all the time and never want to leave the house. He also buys speed/amphetamine a lot which tempts me to have some ( I know that taking drugs is a decision made by the user, but I feel like taking drugs is my only way out of feeling depressed) So we take speed a lot, which everytime makes me more and more depressed because of the comedown etc. Another thing with my boyfriend is his aggression, there has been many times he has started an argument with me for no reason whatsoever. There was one time where we took a lot of speed, we were having sex, and then he started shouting at me saying I wasnt performing sexual acts as well as he wanted me to, that night really destroyed me.. I was on amphetamine crying, confused, trying to understand what it was I was doing wrong.. im actually pretty sure its that session that caused me to be depressed. Another thing about my boyfriend is he has many beliefs and opinions that, if you disagree with him he will argue and shout until you agree with him, for example he believes that 9/11 and 7/7 where inside jobs by the government, which i simply do not believe, but I have to pretend that I do believe it because im really scared of his reaction of I told him I disagree. One thing I also want to mention is when I was 8 i was sexually abused by a family member, which was very confusing as a child, my mother was an alcoholic and used to beat me, and because of these things I never really had a good childhood, I didnt enjoy school, EVERY school I went to I was bullied, so I never really got a good edjucation, and or had the chance to think about what I even wanted to do when I got older. The only income I had for myself was Disability living allowance that I had for asthma, which ended last year, so for all that time I had no motivation to get a job, I had it in my mind that I would have DLA for my lifetime and i wouldn't need a job. There is so much wrong in my life I don't know what to say next, but to conclude: I need to leave this house, and end this relationship, and be close to my family again, so that I can restart my life, I cant just buy a house because I have no money I have applied for emergency housing recently, but Im not sure if I will be accepted as being 'legally homeless'. If I cant leave this house and end this relationship, I honestly think I will just have to end my life, because im getting no where, I just feel so lost, my life is waking up, sitting and thinking about killing myself, pretending to my boyfriend im ok, then going to sleep then repeating. So, if anyone has any advice that would be amazing, thank you for taking your time to read.

[Rocinante]

You are 23, and you have explained your situation briefly and clearly. You want to break out but you need to ask for help. That should be local. Try the Samaritans, the Salvation Army, an LBGT community help line. There will be someone locally. Explain what has happened to you and that you want to escape and renew contact with your family. They will be able to direct you to a local organisation or an individual who can help you. You need to talk to someone who will listen and help you make your decisions. You, and I, think it will be difficult to make plans on your own. It takes courage to decide that you want 'out', it also takes courage to seek help .... but please do.

[Hidden]

You seem like you know what you have to do which in my opinion would be to leave your boyfriend. I don't live in the UK therefore I don't know the resources you guys have available. However, maybe you can try an abuse shelter, homeless shelter, halfway house, etc until you get a job and be able to hold yourself up. Which is possible. I know you feel like you don't have options and you want to give up but there are options out there.

[Hidden]

I was going to leave a reply too. I hope you do come back. Stay strong and do not give in, not for anyone. You are young and you can have a good life ahead of you. You do need to get away from the awful situation that you are in now. It can be done, and there are many charities that can help you. Please come back.

[Aitch56]

Please get yourself out of that house and away from your abusive boyfriend. Have you got a father or grandparent, a sibling or auntie you could go to. I am sure as family they will welcome you and get you on the road to recovery.

[Markcann]

Yes seems like you know what to do so it's a case of one step at a time don't sit thinking what you might do start actively doing it