I dont understand

[Cat_mom00]

I just started this today, im mot really sure how to start this..but i guess ill just get to the point

I have no idea what to do with myself...like when i was younger i always imaged myself doing amazing things, there was so much stuff i wanted to do. I really would have never thought id be the person i am today.

Im not happy, i can smile and laugh...but i cant BE happy. Ive made myself a huge ..... really.. i dont like to be around people, i dont like to go to stores and shop with the girls like most my age, i dont like to go in restaurants because a pit forms in my chest when i try to order something, i dont even like going to family events anymore.

Im afraid to talk to someone about it because i feel like im either bothering them, they think i want attention, or they will stab me in the back. I know i can always talk to my boyfriend, but he works all the time so i dont want him to worry about me. Plus i hate dragging people down, ill just put on a front like nothings going on. I guess thats the anxiety, i dont know.

The thing is, is that im just confused..like i want to be happy and to be able to go out and check the mail like a normal person. But i really just dont have the effort to do anything. Ive taken medication before and it just has an opposite affect on me since i had to take meds for so many things. I was on 6 pills a day for anxiety, anger, and depression. I feel like all of the meds mixed together just ..... me up more so i took myself off.

I know some what why i feel so..worthless. but like i said, i just cant get myself to do anything about it.

Im 17 and do homeschooling, been doing it for 2 years because public school literally can not handle how much of a mess i am🤷‍♀️ homeschool has honeslty made my anxiety worse since now im in my house by myself almost 24/7.

I see girls my age going to prom, hanging out in places with friends, and getting cars and it hurts. It hurts that im mentally incapable of doing normal things. Everything is so difficult for me and no one understands...they think im over exaggerating.

I used to be so nice and happy...and i just want to be that again.

[sweetiepye]

Hello Cat, Your self esteem is so low that you see yourself as worthless. Others don't see you in the same way. For instance a very shy person is often mistaken for a snob. You can't change how everyone feels about you, but you can change how you feel about yourself and when that happens others will start to change toward you. So you need to focus on what you want to be and on how to get to that point. You have plenty of time at 17. Are you planning on going to college? You may like that much more than home schooling especially if you go to a community college for your first two years and then switch over. I understand you are not motivated but as you are at the beginning you can design yourself and your life. Look around you at people you like and study what it is you like about them, read some biographies to find out how successful people managed. Mostly they just keep trying. Treat yourself well, have a routine you stick to, be kind to everyone, people will respond. As you become more confident your anxiety will lessen. It takes time and you will not always be successful, so you start again. Every thing I have mentioned is something I have had to do so I know how hard it is and I know it can be done. Pam

[Cat_mom00 in reply to sweetiepye]

Ive had extremely low self-esteem since i was little. Its gotten to the point where i want to cover all the mirrors in my house. I just feel like im not enough.. im not enough for myself. Its not really what others think...its me. Im my biggest bully honestly. I constantly bring myself down.

I really dont think college wouldbe the best for me. I already have my own house, so i dont have the money for it right now. Plus i dont have any idea what id go for. Im not good at anything. I lack motivation

Getting a job will most likely be impossible cause i have bad back problems, its hard for me to do things for a long period of fime. I cant even go shopping anymore, i feel 100 years old lol

I want to turn my life around but im hard headed and stuck right now😞

I appreciate your comment and i will try to stick to my routine to see if it helps.

[sweetiepye in reply to Cat_mom00]

I want you to know Cat that I was 36 when I started college. I received my degree and taught for more than 25 years. The happiest time of my life. College isn't the only way of course but it worked for me. I felt I was meant to do something with my life. I had my children in my 20's and by 36 I had been through therapy and I was motivated. My kids were quite proud of me for taking on such a challenge .It was a good life lesson for them.. The big things in life aren't done all at once, but through small steps. Any journey you go on starts with one step and we are all capable of one step. Pam

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi cat_momoo and welcome to this caring forum. As sweetiepye has posted, your self esteem is so low at the moment. She has posted some very good advice. It would be a good idea to work on your self esteem to begin with. Your family doctor may be able to arrange for you to receive some counselling which may help. Take small steps and you will get there.Try to focus on an interest you enjoy for a small amount of time during the day. Do other members have any advice for cat-momoo, please? Thank you and best wishes.

[Cat_mom00 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

I was doing counselling from 10-15 years old. It just didnt work for me. You cant fully open up to them because they will either tey to put you on meds or send you to the mental hospital. Ive been there 3 times before too, and i still feel this way.

I moved in with my grandma when i was 13, trust me she tried everything she could to help me. She actually helped alot, but since shes passed away things have been worse. Which i know is normal...but its been almost a year now and i can still barley get myself out of the house.

I feel like some people can't be fixed..id just like to find a way to cope with it. Because punching things is only gonna mess my knuckles up😂😂