9 months on

[Kw94xx]

Hi everyone, I haven't posted on here for a long time now, but I feel like I need to again.

If you have seen my previous posts you'd know that I went through a really difficult time with my ex partner as well as suffering from depression.

Over the past 9 months I've had to be stronger than I've ever had to be from getting out of a relationship that was no good for me and making me more depressed and physically and mentally unwell because of the lack of trust and verbal abuse. Over this course Id had no contact with my ex and tried all I could to forget about him. And as what happens with time, things started to heal, the things I used to get so torn up about suddenly didn't effect me the way they used to, my ex moved on and I accepted and got over the fact he was with someone new etc.

I just feel like i am still depressed though, but in a different way from before. Instead of crying all the time and becoming anxious and stressed like I was in the relationship, now I just seem to be in this sad cycle. Like I spend most of my time in bed apart from when I'm at work, Ive began to binge eat, I feel like I eat to cover my emotions. This had lead from me being under weight from when I got out of my relationship to gaining a good 2 and a half stone and being slightly over weight now. It's like I just wanna keep myself to myself I don't want to go out and I don't know why. I've been this way for months. I'm lonely really, and I found that hard to take in. Especially from going from being in a relationship living with someone every day and having them as your best friend. But it's like I don't feel sad I won't cry I just feel numb.

Any way, yesterday my ex messaged me after 9 months just asking how I was and I replied and we had a little chat involving him apologising for how things ended with us. I told him I wouldn't forget what he did as it was a lesson, but I'll forgive it as you don't have to mend bridges with everyone you forgive. So I felt a sense of closure after that, but then this morning he messages me again and I was thinking oh no I don't want to get in the habit of talking to him I thought it was just a one off closure conversation we had. Anyway I ignored it and he was sending me messages saying he wishes he didn't mess it up with me and he missed me (baring in mind he is with someone now) So I just told him to apply what he had learnt from our relationship to his so I blocked him after that. Anyway since this has happened a part of the sadness I used to feel came flooding back and I dunno if it was because it brought back memories of how it was back then or because I hadn't spoken to him in nine months and we cleared the air Finally. I don't know but all I know is I still have some depression in me and in my head it was like, do I carry on talking to him and get myself hurt again or carry on being lonely? As I've still not felt the way I did about him with anyone else yet. I chose to carry on being lonely but I can't help feeling really upset.

It's consuming my life and getting me so down.