I am 40ish yrs old. I am living with a man and his 6 yr old son, and have been for a year. During that year that has been physical and emotional violence against me. The last time being December of last year. I had him charged with domestic assault, and moved out. But I came back. He has completed a month long alcohol abuse course, and is enrolled in counselling. I met him off of a "dating" web site, and moved in with him after only knowing him a short while. My family HATE him, but only because of what he has done to me in the past, not because they met him and didn't like him. I have a very good friend of mine that has given me the option of leaving this man, and leaving with him, because he is afraid for me.
My problem is, I really feel like I love him. Damn that makes me sound like such a typical victim, and I do NOT feel like a victim.
He says things like he loves me more than he has ever loved another woman. blah blah blah.
I of course have become incredibly attached to his 6 year old son, and 6 month old goddaughter.
I have 2 grown children back in my home town (3000Km's away), and an ex husband, all of whom still love me and try there best to support me.
I just don't know what to do. EVERYONE I know says I should leave. But they only know the bad parts of our relationship (Because that is all i ever told them, and now they don't want to hear about the good things).
I was all set to move out yesterday, my friend was supposed to come at 2pm and pick me up, but I called him by 9am and told him I couldn't leave.
I feel like I am spinning on a wheel, and I can't get off.
I am in therapy, but it hasn't made things any more clear.
I should mention that he checks my email, facebook phone etc, constantly, because he thinks I m screwing around on him. Which I NEVER have. He does know that I did have affairs on my ex husband, so he thinks I will do it again I guess.
He does still drink, but no where near the excessive amounts he was drinking.
I smoke pot, and he HATES that I do, so that is a constant argument. And he hates when I go on line. He says I go on too much.
One day this week he came home from work when he knew I wasn't home and he tried to crack my email password, and checked what I was doing on line while he was at work.
So if anyone out there can relate, I sure would like to hear what you did, or would do.
There of course is so much more to the story, there always is, but way too much info to type.
I look forward to hearing what people think
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lostandconfused71
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I'm sorry - I can't give you an unbiased opinion as we all have our own biases, but I will try to understand what's going on for you. Are you new to the site? If so, then welcome. It is a very supportive site, we are a friendly and warm bunch of people who all heave our own experiences that have led to us becoming depressed and usually one or other comes online fairly soon after you write so there isn't too long to wait for a response - we would also welcome your support of course when you feel up to it.
You say your partner has been abusive towards you - there is NEVER any excuse for abuse, particularly if the person repeats the abusive behaviour. Abusers rarely change so long as they believe they can get their victim to remain with them or return to them so by staying with him you are not helping him to change as well as putting yourself in serious danger.
You say you love him and I believe you. Abusers can be as lovely people as any other person - but the point is that they have a particular set of problems which lead to them being unable to behave lovingly towards those they love. Instead they hurt those they love. Usually they have had abusive parents - people who were not abused seldom go on abuse others although many people who were abused do not repeat their experiences. I can understand your loving your partner - why not - he is a person who has probably been hurt himself in the past and may be a loving person at times. I am not going to tell you to leave him. Of course that is the best thing in objective terms but it does not take account of the fact that you love him. He has shown some willingness to try to control his behaviours, particularly his drinking, but until he has understood his need to express anger and perhaps his need to control you it is not safe for you to assume he will not be violent again.
You say you are in therapy and that is great, I do not know whether it is long term or very short term, CBT or a less structured therapy aimed at exploring your motivations for (unconsciously) choosing a man who becomes violent towards you, but at least you are exploring the problem. It is also great that your partner is having some counselling himself, it is evidence that he does hope to change and is willing to put some effort into doing so.
You say he is checking up on you constantly - that suggests he perhaps has extremely paranoid jealousy, that he believes whatever he does you will eventually leave him. His violence would then be towards someone who is going to hurt him no matter what he does, so anger is his expression of the underlying helplessness he probably feels.
I am wondering what your husband's childhood was like as he sounds extremely insecure. You say you became involved with him and moved in with him very quickly and that suggests you were also very needy and perhaps also insecure about being alone, though I may be wrong about that.
In view of your husband's willingness to engage in counselling and the fact that you also want to work on your difficulties in order to be able to stay with him I wonder whether you would perhaps benefit from seeing either someone from Relate - where they charge according to your income - or family therapy which you MAY - if you are lucky - be able to obtain through the NHS. Your partner's children will undoubtedly be experiencing the effects of your partner's violence towards you and in order to ensure they are not left with a similar insecurity working with you all together may be the best possible approach for you. Your partner will undoubtedly be motivated to want his children to have a secure childhood and you also love them and will want the best for them.
Do think about that possibility. You could see a family or relationship counsellor alongside seeing individual therapists or counsellors provided everyone was clear about what you might expect within each situation. I have worked with people who are in both kinds of therapy at once - family and individual - and often the family therapy provides rich material for the individual sessions.
In order to obtain family therapy under the NHS if it is available within your area your GP would need to refer you to secondary mental health services where they provide specialist therapies for difficulties that require more than short term CBT or support.
Suexx
Hi (and hi to the bf if he managed to crack your email code & is reading this)
I'm not going to say what I think you should do, you've heard that from plenty of people. It is your life & your decision to make. I will however ask you a few questions or make a few points for you to think about to try and get you to decide with an open mind & with you eyes wide open. I'm not going to look at any responses you'll have had from others so that I don't let that sway anything I may say.
Question 1) Can you love someone without trust?
Question 2) Is it acceptable for one partner to physically attack or hurt the other?
Question 3) Can you learn to live with question 2 continuing & possibly escalating?
Question 4) Are you wanting to stay because you are worried you will not be able to find anyone else?
Question 5) If one of your children was in the same situation what would you tell them to do?
Question 6) If you stay do you think you'll be asking the same question this time next year?
As I see them (some of these may be naïve but they are what I feel should be true):
Statement 1) Love is not about just words but also actions.
Statement 2) We all know what is right & what is wrong. We know the correct answers to our lives, they are within us, we just need to find them.
Statement 3) Love should help us grow & not hold us back. We should grow within a relationship individually and as a couple.
Statement 4) Hypocrisy is not evidence of love.
Statement 5) You have already decided what you want to do. You are searching for someone to agree with you to justify staying.
Good luck
James
in reply to
I think these are really helpful questions James as they do not say leave but say think which is what deciding is all about! x
in reply to
Thanks Sue, it's what I was going for. Hope it'll be helpful. It's always a shame when a woman stays with a guy that hits her. It's not right and I'll never understand why some guys do it
in reply to
I understand why and understand why women might stay in that situation but it is sad for both of them.
Just get out while you can. He's unlikely to change, and in time you will begin to behave as he wants, in order to pacify him. Listen to the people to care about you - they are the ones without a reason to hate him unnecessarily.
I was in a very similar relationship. He beat me up, raped me, stripped off all my clothes in public then refused to go to work because he didn't know what I might do while he was away. I'm a flirty kind of person but I'm also 100% faithful. I wasn't allowed shopping with my own Mom or anyone else...he had to be there all the time.
He made snide comments all the time but said that he loved me.He drove my car full on into a skip and it was a write off then came back with my keys and threw them at me.
I only got out when I realised that my life was in danger...he strangled me to the point of unconsciousness. It cost me my two sons...he wouldn't leave without them - they were 5 & 7 at the time. I only saw them occasionally after that for a while but I knew he wouldn't harm them. It was a huge sacrifice.
I'm not going to tell you what to do but if you want a decent life then you need to think about your future with this man before your life is in danger like mine was and you need to think about your own drug use and why you depend on it. You are worth more than this.
I am so terribly sad to hear of what you had to go through and for what you had to sacrifice but know that one day your children will see him for what he is and they will want to be in touch when they can. You did not deserve any of what you went through, no one does, especially a lady, nor does she deserve to be oppressed by mind games. Guys that do this sort of thing are not men, especially not a gentleman and as nice as they may treat you from time to time, it does not give them the right to beat you, rape you or treat you badly in any other way as if he really loved you then he would trust you and never lift a finger to you. Alas by being nice and telling you how much he loves you is another way in which to have a hold over you because it's what you want to hear, it's control just as fear is a means of control. I'm so glad that you got out, that you survived the ordeal and I hope that you can make a better life for you as you deserve it. You have people who care about you on here and honoured to be one of them.
Yes, I was very lucky in that I had the full support of my Dad and didn't need to leave my home with my daughter...my Dad made HIM leave! Sadly, my Dad has since passed away but not before he saw me happily married to a very lovely gentleman.
So sad that you suffered such abuse, you, nor any lady, deserved such treatment. You are a very brave lady for leaving and I'm sure I speak for all when I say we all care and here if you ever need us. Hugs!
That must have all been really difficult for you and it must have taken courage and strength to have left. Well done! K hope you now have a relationship with your sons. Suex
I am a very up front person and don't take offence at being asked personal questions. As it happens, I saw it anyway, as I said...it came to my emails before you deleted it.
Never, ever be afraid of asking me anything, I'll always respond to the best of my ability without qualms.
If I'm being totally honest I couldn't have coped with them anyway...their dad had been at home since they were born and if I asked them to do anything he'd get them to tell me to get lost and if I had've kept them with me I'd have always been looking over my shoulder wondering whether their dad was stood behind me with a knife or something.
He looked after them well after we split but they have grown to hate me...not cos of anything their dad told them, more because they don't stand to inherit anything from me cos I've nothing to give.
My daughter, their half sister keeps in touch with the elder one but the younger one is his dad's boy and isn't interested in any of my family.
I also had twin girls with him before the boys...they were born at 32wks - one stillborn and the other died a day later.
We weren't married until after I had the children and that was when he changed and became violent. Had I known what was in store I'd have skipped a whole chunk of my life!
Oh how sad. It sounds as though he has been quite manipulative with your children and that will have done them harm and coloured the kinds of relationships they can form too. How sad too about the twin babies you lost. You have had such a lot to cope with. I hope you are in a happier situation now and have found or find someone who will love you and not use you. x
Hi I can give you an unbiased opinion. Leave him now. The good parts don't make up for the bad parts. He doesn't love you - that type of man isn't capable of love. He isn't controlling you and being jealous out of love you know! He is seeing you as a 'possession' more than a lover. You deserve better! Leave him or are you waiting to be seriously injured and perhaps killed???? x
Hi
How are you? Lots of advice given, what are your thoughts?
I agree with secondhandrose. This guy sounds like a manipulative control freak. I wonder if the feeling of love you have for him is a form of Stockholm Syndrome? That is a subconscious survival tactic. Once you are free of this situation, something tells me that you will look back on him and his control with disgust.
Of course your family hate him. It doesn't matter what his personality is like, he's put you in danger and is a control freak who doesn't seem to respect you or your happiness - that's all unacceptable behaviour from him. If you are as stubborn as me you won't like to be told what to do but as others have said and as I'm sure you know in your gut, and it will be hard, there will never be a "right time" to do it - you must get away from this man.
GET OUT while you can,love is support,tenderness,real emotion and if your fellow is away for say a week or two does your chest ache,thats love.I know we dont live in a perfect world and stress,frustration can build up and cause arguements but HE needs therapy! Take it easy ok
You do not deserve any of what you are going through, no one does, especially a lady, nor do you deserve to be oppressed by mind games. Guys that do this sort of thing are not men, especially not a gentleman and as nice as your chap may treat you from time to time, it does not give him the right to beat you, rape you or treat you badly in any other way. If he really loved you then he would trust you and never lift a finger to you. Alas by being nice and telling you how much he loves you in between episodes of beatings etc is just another way in which to have a hold over you because it's what you want to hear, it's control just as fear is a means of control. I fear that you have asked us for an unbiased opinion but in honesty I think you may already have guest what the recommendations may have implied and I think you will find it difficult to find anyone with any decency who would tell you differently. Would it not be better to be in a loving relationship where you did not have to wonder when you may be beater or thrown across the room ever again? You have so many opportunities for a better future...a safer future but only you can want that and only you can make those changes if you want to and we'd all be here for you.
Lorraine, So sad that you suffered such abuse, you, nor any lady, deserved such treatment. You are a very brave lady for leaving and I'm sure I speak for all when I say we all care and here if you ever need us. Hugs!
You sound like many people I have talked to, myself included. I feel that people are right when they say that you are justifying being with him. One statement that you made really stuck out. The part about your friends only knowing the bad because thats all you tell them. I have recited those very same lines. And ill tell you, its you attempting to keep yourself in and think "well its not all bad, he can be a good guy". Good guys never put their hands on women. My son was in every way like this guy is, and it will never change. You just need to ask if its really worth your self esteem and lively hood going down the drain. One quote always sticks out in my mind. "The right decision is always the hardest one to make."
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I don't want a pity party, I just want to know I'm not alone.
I don't know what to do 
So low I don't know what to do anymore
I need some... love?
I don't know what to do with my life
