A Partner who Doesn't Understand

Hi All, I have suffered very mild depression & anxiety over the past 5-6 years. This was very on & off and only ever a problem on one or two occasions. However on May 25th 2016 I came home form work to find my mother dead, very sudden, no life threatening illnesses and no signs of any accident happening which could have caused her death. She was 54 and although she had various problems which came as she aged (Arthritis, menopause symptoms etc) she was fairly healthy. Her Post mortum came back as 'Natural Causes' even after they took samples of her organs to test. So no real explanation. It's been almost 9 months now and things are becoming extremely difficult for me. I have had bereavement counselling in the first couple of months as I needed to try and get over the shock so that i could begin to grieve. Since then i have tried to cope on my own with exercise and good eating. Unfortunately this is not working for me anymore. My mood swings are horrific. I cannot stand to be around people other then a few close friends and my partner. My partner does get the brunt of my moods because i feel most comfortable with him and i struggle with confrontation with other people. The main problem is how he is trying to deal with me. In the beginning he was super supportive and understanding but seems as time has gone on he is becoming more and more frustrated with the way i am acting. He is a very social, outgoing person. He cannot understand that I cant face to even go out some days and he thinks i am just tired because i'm tired, he doesn't understand the effects depression and anxiety has on a person. I have told him to read about it or talk about it with someone else and i have tried time and time again to explain what it feels like for me but he just does not understand. It is causing so many major problems for us. He thinks i am just being awkward or doing things on purpose even though i do explain to him that i'm not. I know he loves me, if there's one thing i know it's that but I think we are both at our wits end with this. I don't know what more i can do which in the end just adds more fuel to my depressive fire! Any advice would be highly appreciated.

3 Replies

  • Hello there Youngendo

    Welcome to Action on Depression. You'll find lots of friendly information and support from our members.

    I am so very sorry to read of the loss of your Mother, this must have been a traumatic shock for you and naturally, you are still grieving her loss and this has exacerbated your depression. Quite often Bereavement Counselling isn't recommended until six months have passed and I would definitely return and request further sessions.

    It would be a good idea to see your Doctor and discuss your depression, they may have solutions that you haven't tried yet.

    One step at a time should be your motto and be kind to yourself.

    Warm wishes


  • Hello, i am so sorry to hear about your mother, and i understand completely what you are saying, sadly to say that i am so pleased to find someone who has the same problem as me, ive been going through personal problems since the age of 11 which i do not like to speak about, i am 18 now and this year my grandad whom i was caring for passed away, this just sent me to rock bottom and i cracked, i understand when you say councelling didnt work as it did not work for me and ive had enough of people telling me thats what i need.. my partner was also very supportive with my depression and mood swings until he has had enough, he gets quite angry when i have my mood swings which is understandable i would love for him to understand what i am going through.. but i just cant explain it, ive been through trauma for 7 years and now i just cant control my anger and the fact i am an emotional wreck when things dont go the way i want them to go.. sorry for the long paragraph just happy to know someone has the same problem as me and that i am not the only one..

    yours sincerly,


  • I am sorry for the loss of your Mother. You will probably grieve for her the rest of your life. It will get easier and happen less frequently , but you will always miss her. My brother died 3 years ago from Cancer . I had a physical reaction to it although his death itself wad peaceful.

    I was very sick for several days shaking and crying, aching. I decided to find my own way to grieve. I kept a journal and talked to him through it whenever I felt the need. I was use to marathon phone conversations or messaging with him so the journal helped. I deliberately, also went through my memories and pictures , laughed and cried . I still keep him with me by talking about him with my family. Not a lot, but I might say oh Jack always. loved that color. You will have to find your own way, but I find most people expect you to just get on with your life . I also tried grief counseling and I saw it through ,but they thought I was nuts and I thought they were in denial . It was probably a little bit of both.

    Your partner probably wants thing to go back to the way they were and that would be nice. Life however doesn't work like that . As I tell my husband when he complains....when you're dead you won't have any

    worries. He's probably thinking when I'm dead he won;t have any worries. HA HA

    Be good to yourself, your Mother would want you to be. Pam

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