Does anyone have a family member who ... - Mental Health Sup...

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Does anyone have a family member who keeps depending on you for money?

Newme2017 profile image

Last week I lent £110 to a family member, he was suppose to give it all back on Wednesday. Instead he sent me £65. Today I asked for the remaining £45 (from that loan). He sent excuses messages and sorry via text, but I chose not to respond. Then I received a call from him. I answered and got verbally abused. On top of all that he said I was “sitting on money”, so why am I chancing him for £45 pounds. I pointed out to him, he still owes me £1000. He continued with his abusive words and then said” He could’ve given me back the £45 today, but I’m not getting it and then called me a fucking lazy bitch. I have worked before, but now on benefits due to a number of health problems which affect my day to day life. He know this, so to call me a lazy fucking bitch hurt so much. I want to point out that this person is my own grown up adult son. He works. But I feel like because I have extra money now, I should help him out. Since May I have given him over £2500 and lent him £1,110 . Plus I purchased clothes for him and my 2 grandchildren. I’ve had enough. He knows I have money put aside for a “rainy day”. Now I feel like spending all on a holiday for me and my teen daughter and decorating my house.

18 Replies

A Fool and His Money are easily parted. That seems the case, I am not saying your foolish however this problem has a history, so I would be very annoyed for His dishonesty and treat him accordingly. The problem is yes you can go to court to get your money back although there is a problem, I gather this money was not written down and an earlier agreement for repayment was not made.

I do not know how old He is, however I feel you need to be able to cut Him off and not borrow to this son of yours again because it would seem he would be back in the near future asking for more money.

You need to be payed back in full all monies borrowed by him, you can then have him back in your Life. However I would not lend this son of yours any more money. He needs to learn He is dishonest, and this in the outside world could lead to sanctions against him where He would be unable to borrow money in the future.

He seems to have very little respect for you, You would also expect a written agreement in the payment of these loans. These should be regular payments dated and the loans payed back in full by an agreed time. Then you have everything in writing

BOB

Thanks BoB. Yesterday he paid me back £45 in the end. But his behaviour has made me realise I have to say No to lending him any more money, regardless of whether I get the remaining £1000 back.

My Siblings were always on the screw for money and over the years with needful attitude went on until parents death. My Sisters would bad mouth me, not only with family also with Relatives and that became very sinister over the years, that is why I would be worried regards your daughter and the associated needful Attitude of your son. In my case I was virtually cut of from my Mothers will and her attitude was exytemely bad to me. My Father could not prevent the three Womens attitude to me. Now I am best alone away from the heat of the past.

BOB

I don’t have a relationship with any of my siblings or my mother and her side of the family I cut them over 25 years ago. So I only have my 2 children. My daughter has a love hate relationship with her brother because of the way he is. It’s sad because I wanted my children to have a close relationship. Just these even my daughter said I need to stop giving him money or it will never end, So now that he owes me such a large amount, I will use that to say no if or when he asks me again. Thanks for your advice.

Life and families can be one big problem especially the older generation who try and put their faults and errors on the backs of their children and sad to say they can pass down their lives problems and how they were brought up by their Parents etc. They seem never too learn themselves. I know in my family I would get my ear bent with the historic problems of their childhood and how they felt, as they explained family and relative problems that happened way back. We cannot take sides of past generations, it takes us all our time to get over the problems and errors we will make ourselves

Good Luck

BOB

saavikam54 profile image
saavikam54 in reply to Newme2017

🙏🤗

Cut him off now. I know he is your son but he is working and shouldn't be asking you for money. He should be helping you instead as you are out of work. Save your money to spend on yourself and your daughter. He doesn't deserve anything and to abuse you when you are doing him a favour is awful.

You can still buy your grandchildren clothes or presents but don't give any more money out to him.

I disagree with Bob's advice and I would just write this money off as trying to get it back means he would only try 'borrowing' more and in a weak moment you might give in again.

Newme2017 profile image
Newme2017 in reply to hypercat54

Thanks Hypercat54, I agree I don’t I’ll get the £1000 back and going of pass experience with him. He’ll give me a little bit here a little bit there and then swear blind he paid me everything back. So I’m happy to let it go. My daughter knows what’s going on and she’s disgusted by her brother’s behaviour towards me over money. There is 16 years difference in there ages. I think cutting him off would need to happen if the abuse continues and be prepared to lose my grandchildren too.

hypercat54 profile image
hypercat54 in reply to Newme2017

Well I didn't necessarily mean cut contact with him but cut out of giving him any more money. Every time he asks you for money say no. Refuse to get drawn into why or discussions about it just say no end of. Then change the subject or pretend to be doing something else. Keep money off the agenda completely and draw boundaries to let him know it's non negotiable. Eventually he will stop keep asking hopefully.

I doubt whether he will cut you off if you still buy his children clothes and send them presents. He won't want to lose that will he.

Newme2017 profile image
Newme2017 in reply to hypercat54

I know you never meant cut him off from my life. But my daughter thinks I should because this has been going on for years now. He can be extremely controlling too. He says it because he worries about me and people hurting and taking advantage of me, but he doesn’t seem to understand… that is exactly what he is doing. So I have come to realise the only way I’ll be able to live my life, my only opinion will be to cut contact with him… I know if I do that he will stop me from seeing my grandchildren.

It’s hard and I fully understand having supported my daughter in a similar way - I’m still paying her mobile phone bill and she often texts and asks for £10/20 as she’s short before her benefits come in - it wasn’t so bad when I was working but I retire next year and to be honest I feel resentful and angry that I’ve worked hard, always have to get a good lifestyle whilst she’s never worked in her life - the time has come now to be hard and her requests for money are now being met with I can’t afford it - the mobile phone will also be tackled- time for her to stand on her own!

saavikam54 profile image
saavikam54 in reply to Libluce8

👍🙏

I’m sorry to hear that. Read your message bought tears to my eyes. My son started of £10 or 20 here and there. I did the mobile phone thing too. But let it get cut off and told him to go on pay as you go. But he’s 31 now and sometimes I look at him and think don’t you have any shame or self respect He has a job were he could make good money, but he has not get up and go. He just works to make sure his rent and other expenses are paid. I feel the same feeling you have towards my son. I hope we both find the strength to get our children to stand on there own two feet. I wish you an enjoyable, restful retirement when it comes. Take care.

Respectfully, dear sister, you need to look in the mirror and the wonderful caring person you are and despite your serious health issues how generous you've been to your ungrateful son.Now look in the mirror again and ask yourself do you enjoy being taken advantage of? Do you feel you deserve that horrendous, disgracef verbal abuse? The plain answer is NO! This is simply elder abuse you are being subjected to. DO NOT GIVE that person anymore money, they obviously do not deserve it. Please phone AgeUK and ask to speak to a counsellor.

THOSE are the people who will care about you as you deserve and help to guide you thru this unhappy situation AND they will not charge you a penny!

Live long and Prosper

🙏

All the time. It's gets old giving them money even if they pay back late.

Newme2017 profile image
Newme2017 in reply to Imnotright

Your right!

Imnotright profile image
Imnotright in reply to Newme2017

I would stop lending the money. They don't deserve it after all they still owe you. I wouldn't give them anymore and let them grow up and be responsible for themselves and for repayment of what they owe you. Even IF they pay you back fully don't lend to them again. They are using you. Not right.

Newme2017 profile image
Newme2017 in reply to Imnotright

My son still had the check to ask me again, but I didn’t lend anymore. I had my grandson for 2 days. Which was nice. My son was suppose to buy him school shoes, but asked me to buy them. He did ask if I wanted the money back… but I refused because they were for my grandson. My son was happy with my response, but I was left feeling he planned it that way. My daughter had enough and for the first time she called him out on his behaviour and using me for money. They had a massive argument. My son hasn’t spoken to us since Wednesday and I feel okay about it.

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