Looking for some reassurance

[MattBuckland]

Hi Guys

Now in a phased return at work. Depression is crushing and suicidal thoughts just keep coming again and again. I have gone from not sleeping to sleeping too much to block things out but wake up tired. This episode after the extreme symptoms of the two weeks I was off work has lasted nearly two months now and is wearing me out.

Trying to do activities and not isolate myself but it feels like my brain is fighting me all the way. I can live with depression and anxiety but not at this level for so long, I know that there are people far worse off than me, this makes me feel worse.

The sun is shining outside and it is beautiful, I just wish I could enjoy the moment.

Going to the doctors on Friday and will see about increasing sertraline to 100mg but am worried that will make me more tired.

I suppose the one positive that I can feel is that earlier I would say 'I want my life back', I now realise that I want something better and need to believe that I deserve it.

Sorry for the dispair guys, just needed to reach out.

Matt

[Hidden]

Hi Matt sorry you are having such a bad time at the moment. Maybe you have gone back to work too soon?

I started on 100 mg of sertraline which didn't help so increased to 150 which is much better. x

[MattBuckland in reply to Hidden]

Hi Bev

Thanks of the reply. Hard to tell with work, worry that staying away would be worse. On holiday next week so another break . Yes the sertraline is at a very low dose and I do not need to stop at 100mg, just whatever makes a difference I guess.

11 hours work to go this week, one very hard day tomorrow and then a better day.

Great that people like you are on here for support, it is so nice to have that.

Thanks again, Matt

[Hidden in reply to MattBuckland]

Aw bless you Matt. Been there done that at work. See how you feel after your hols. Hopefully you will feel a bit better. take care Bev xx

[Olderal in reply to MattBuckland]

Matt,staying away from work would be worse. You won't feel good at being beaten and the hill you have to climb will have got a little higher.

If things get absolutely impossible then OK thats the way it has to be, but if you can hang in there by any means do so. The weeks holiday sounds very timely and will help a great deal.

Olderal

[Iluvhorses]

Hello there! We're all glad youre hear so its fine to spill your thoughts. Its one of the purposes of this forum. Im sorry youre so depressed. I mean its the worst feeling when you try something and your brain is always fighting back like you said. It feels like everyone is having a great time except you. What do you think is triggering your symptoms?

[MattBuckland in reply to Iluvhorses]

Hi Iluvhorses

Thanks for reaching out.

At this moment there are two things at work triggering the symptoms.

I need to deal with those things but it is the deeper self hatred that I really have to address.

Trying to work on some compassion therapy with a counsellor, early days but it has got legs.

Thanks again, sometimes just writing things down can help to see things a bit more clearly.

Cheers. Matt

[Iluvhorses in reply to MattBuckland]

I agree that your self hatred needs to be addressed as that can cause ripple effects. It definitely is good to write things down as it is good way to analyze yourself.

[sweetiepye]

Hi Matt, I'm also wondering if you've gone back to work too soon. Do you even have a choice in the matter. Maybe a talk with your Doctor and telling him how bad it is will nudge him into giving you a little more help. If I mention suicidal thoughts they take it seriously. Your Dr. needs to see you as a person and you need to develop a team relationship with him. I was wondering if you have tried keeping a journal listing what you do each day. The food you eat, any thing that bothers you. meds. whatever might be a trigger. If you do this for 3 months you might see a pattern . You do deserve a better life, you'll get there. Pam

[MattBuckland in reply to sweetiepye]

Hi Pam

Hard to know whether am back to work too soon or not, have been getting stuff done and had glimmers of me when I was handling things.

My doctor has been good and will be seeing him on Friday so that is positive.

The journal idea is good, just some record, even if it is to note the good stuff.

I will get there and I know I can come on here and talk of i need to.

Thanks again, Matt

[Claire105]

Hi Matt, hope ur feeling more urself soon. I'm thinking u have gone back to work too soon. Please tell ur doctor ur feeling suicidal, Sertraline's max dose is 200mg so doc can increase depending what ur taking. U do need to give urself time. Set urself a goal each day. Be proud when u have done it. As u may not have wanted to do it. Set harder goals each week, but remember if there is a day where u don't reach ur goal, don't beat urself up over it. Think where u went wrong. Depression is not here 1 day gone the next, you have to find the best way for u to cope with it. Then u will get some kind of life life.

[MattBuckland]

Hi Claire

Thanks for getting in touch. I have told people how I feel including the doctor, I just don't see what good holding back will do me. Unrealistic expectations have always been my problem, you are so right on this.

Will be a bit more patient with myself and see what an increase in sertraline can do for me.

Thanks for your support, it means a lot.

Hope you are doing okay yourself.

Matt

[Anna2008]

Hi Matt, I was just wondering how phased is your phased return, i.e. how many hours are you doing each day? A long work day can be exhausting and this would affect your mood. I find that when I get overly tired through work, it sets me back quite a lot and I need to make a determined effort to recharge my batteries. Otherwise you're running on empty and that's when the depression threatens to take over...

Anna

[MattBuckland in reply to Anna2008]

Hi Anna

Nice to hear from you. Three weeks at 22hrs in the week, two weeks at 27hrs, one week at 36hrs and then back to the 44 hrs.

A lot better than the 36 hrs I started back on after returning from the breakdown, pleased I pushed for it as it has given me some space today.

When i am back after holiday next week I am planning to take Wednesday's off to recover.

I will get there, it is so important not to get over tired, you are right it is much harder to deal with the illness at those times.

Will try again tomorrow. Thanks for taking the time.

Matt

[Olderal]

Matt, technically there are of course people worse off than you but if you are in a bad spell of depression and anxiety they won't be much worse, its very tough. Afraid you've got no option short term but to dig deeper into your courage and not be beaten.

if you can sleep to block things out that is a big positive whether you wake up tired or not ,and the fact you are in a phased return to work is an even bigger positive. You are a long way off the bottom and hopefully will get even further from the bottom soon.

Of course you deserve something better but as Eastwood says in "Unforgiven" deserving ain't nothing to do with it. Life does n't work that way. You will however eventually get something much better and ,unbelievable as it seems at the moment, life will improve and you will again know happiness and wonder how you could ever have felt depressed. Thats the way it works ,but you have to hang in there to get to that. Then it often comes back again but again you hang in there and good times come again. Its character building,the humourists would say. Personally I'd have settled for slightly less character and less pain.

Of course suicide seems tempting when in the pits, but there is no way of achieving this that will not ultimately cause others great distress , which is against the rules. More importantly it will rob you of many years of happiness and contentment. How do I know this ? I've been there ,but I hung in there , and at 73 I can now look back on so many happy times although among those good times I hit the pits many times. Also after maybe 25 or so spells of depression spread over 35 years I now feel I can cope reasonably easily with it and find life very enjoyable. However the apprenticeship was bloody painful and you have my full sympathy while you are going through it. Luckily I'm bloody minded and no way was it going to beat me.

Just resign yourself to not a lot of happiness for a while, you don't have to be happy to beat depression, but the happiness will arrive when this spell ends, and it always does end.

Olderal

[MattBuckland in reply to Olderal]

Hi Ordeal

Can't disagree with anything you have said there (or Mr Eastwood).

It all comes down to time and patience I guess with a bit of effort thrown in. This one does seem to be lasting a long time, but everyone says that it will end so gotta go with the majority.

Thanks, your reply helps put things into perspective, I will be returning to this thread a lot over the next while.

Matt