I'm sitting here all alone wondering where it all went wrong.
42 years old (43 on Tuesday) and feel so old & washed up & totally fed up with life. I just don't see the point anymore. Everyday is a hard, thankless struggle. What for? The last 42 years have been absolute hell on earth. I don't have anything left inside. I yearn for death now. To be at peace and free of this mental torture each & every wakening hour.'How could you', that inner voice says 'there are so many people worse off, people who are killed & maimed on a daily basis and what about those third world people with nothing to eat & nowhere to sleep?'
Where did it all go wrong? The last 42 years has just flashed by and I have very few happy memories. How sad & pathetic is that. Was it my dysfunctional childhood. Your parents are supposed to nurture you, to hug you and tell you that you're loved. I do not recall ever once being hugged by either one of my parents. Ever. Neither can I recall ever being told that I was loved or indeed wanted. I cannot recall one display of affection. I was not physically abused as such but the wounds inflicted by the emotional abuse are still raw and painful. Is that why I have had a problem in my relationships? With men in general. And why I battle with authority? Dad's are supposed to cherish their daughters. Instead mine despised me and constantly criticised and put me down and made me feel like dirt. I think it was because I was a mistake and my parents had to get married at 21 and 22. All because of me. They used to shut me in the kitchen in at night so my crying wouldn't disturb my dad who had to work the next day.
It hurt that my younger sister got all the love and cuddles from my father. He used to call her his 'love child'. That really hurt. I got called 'froggy eyes'
Mothers are meant to protect their children. Mine did nothing to stop the daily put-me downs by my father. She is a meek & mild sort of person and let my dad bully her mentally & physically. They fought constantly. It was a very toxic environment to grow up in. In addition to fighting with me and my mother my father managed to alienate our entire family. As he systematically fell out with every single one of them we were not allowed any contact. So, to this day I haven't seen my aunts, uncles etc for about 30 years. I have cousins that I've never met.
I couldn't wait to leave home. I did very well at school and was offered a university place but that would have meant living at home as there was no accommodation available at the campus. The final straw was when my father, during an argument, threatened to throw me over the balcony and said that he would call the paramedics to 'scrap me off the pavement'
I left home to fend for myself. I was 17. The following year I saw the GP for the first time for the depression and anxiety that was to plague me for the rest of my life.
The next few chapters were no happier. I was forced to take a dull job in a bank to support myself. A string of unsuccessful relationships, married at 23, had my son at 24, divorced at 28, some more unsuccessful relationships and a few more soul destroying jobs. It wasn't all bad news as I managed to buy my first property at 23 and in my late twenties was going places work-wise where I was being groomed for a managerial position. But I have the knack of hitting the self-destruct button whenever the going is good. This applies to my relationships as well. I am trying to figure out why this is.
At 31 I decided I had had enough of family rifts and arguments and decided to move to the UK for a new life for my son & I. I soon found a good job even though I hated it. We moved to a nice area, Found a nice house and my son started to thrive in his new environment. A couple of years later met someone and we bought a place together. Fast forward 8 years (1 year ago) and that relationship also faltered. See the pattern here.My son is 18 now. All grown up. Very proud of him - he is Head Boy & has excelled academically & is going to Uni in September. I don't see much of him anymore as he has a girlfriend and is rarely at home. We haven't been getting along lately. He says we are too similar & that is why we clash.
So, now it's just me and my animals. I will have to move when the house is sold later this year. I cannot bear the thought of all the change. I was diagnosed with dysmythia last year which is basically someone who is permanently depressed and finds little pleasure in everyday life.
I just don't see the point anymore. What is the point of it all?
Oh ziggy, it's so sad that you're having such a rough time. Your post was so honest and raw. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Much of the way we perceive ourselves as adults is based on our childhood experiences and memories. I am coming to understand that my relationship with my parents was a strange one, and explains many of the feelings I have now.
Your son is head boy? That is amazing! And most definitely an indicator of what a good parent you have been to him. That, in itself, is a significant achievement.
It's hard to pick out any good bits when you're depressed, but from reading your post, many of your qualities are evident. You're intelligent, have successfully raised a child on your own, have done well in your job, and have come out the other side of what sounds like a very hard childhood.
Moving house and time to yourself doesn't have to be the beginning of the end. You could well see it as the start if something exciting. You've got another twenty years until retirement. How about retraining, or going back to college? Or how about an evening class?
Before you have time to tidy away your son's mess, he'll be bringing home his girlfriends. And in the blink of an eye you'll be needed for grandparent duties! Enjoy the peace while it lasts!
I really hope that tomorrow is a better day for you xx
Well said suzie,
Thinking of you ziggy
Sending you a hug and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you
I can fully empathise with you. I also feel what has it "all been for" and have felt like this for a few weeks now.
My child is also grown up and is the only "stable" thing in my life...have 2 failed marriages and lost my job and can't get another and the dreaded w/e!!
It's nice that so many people are supportive and I really hope you have a better day...am thinking of you. Lois x
Hi Ziggy, firstly I am giving the biggest hug, and I thought your blog was so honest and clear, I know what its like when your at the end of the rope, we are all so hard on ourselves, but really you will get through this stage.
You have a great son, and the fact that he has a girlfriend and is living his life , is a testament to you his Mother, he probably feels free enough to grow a little bit away from you albeit temporarily with his girlfriend, that means he is healthy emotionally. I am sure you were a great Mum, I know myself that when I look back on my life I can be critical of myself too, but you did the best you could given the circustances. This is another stage in your life, and you are obviously intelligent and loving, You will get through it, and you have our love and support, please rest, because you are probably exhausted. When I get overtired everything takes on a bleak cast. Maybe you can retrain, but just accept this stage as if you are on a journey, Take it one day at a time, and try not to project too much into future.
Get in touch if you need a bit of support and I will email you, as I have had a lot of changes in my own life, and I know that burnt out feeling.
Ziggy take all the help you can from this site, as I am sure everyone of us has been in your shoes too.
Love and hugs
Hannah xx
Thank you so much for all your kind comments - it means so much.
When I was a little girl I was blamed for my abuse. I was scorned, that I "deserved nothing good" in life, was told I would never be happy, that the abuse was my fault, that I was worthless, and then through all of that I was beaten. I can recall all the places where the belt buckle left a print on my body, and where the belt left welts on my skin. I went to school and noone ever noticed or said anything about the abrassions and bruises on me.
Fastforward 20 years later (to my first marriage) I am now in a mentally/ emotionally abusive relationship. I cheat on my husband...fir the first time....after his series of cheating rendevous and I find myself sick with guilt. I come clean, confess and asks for forgiveness. He redicules and judges me. I was belittled and humiliated as he felt the need to confude in his church- going /Holier than thou family...who then finds the need to further humiliate, convicts, and sentences me to hell.
I cheated with a man who was ready to move heaven and earth to be with me...he placed me on a pedestal and worshipped me daily....or seemed like it. I walked away....giving my husband and marriage a second chance. I figured if this guy can cheat with me...he may end up cheating on me. I broke his heart....and it urks me to this day that I inflicted that kind of pain on someone....but at the time I felt was doing the right thing in order to save my marriage.
Back to my husband and my point. The abuse I received from him for making the mistake I did....wasnt enough for me. Let me show you how messed up I was. I had the strangest urge....and a dying need for him to raise his hand and beat the shit out of me. And I pushed him and pushed him to get him to beat me. I had been socialized to feeling pain for making a mistake. I associated sex with violence. WHY? Because...as some of you readers probably realiz...Psychological....thats What I felt I needed to feel better about myself. I felt I would have paid my dues by reciving punishment.
(That marriage lasted 8 years until I came to my senses and divorced him).
In reality....of course this was not the answer...the way to fix a problem....but it was what I needed....a good beating....in order to get on with my life. I didnt receive that beating...so instead I found other self-destructive ways to destroy my life. I had to pay that debt that I owed. This guy said he wouldn't ever put his hands on me...but called me every name in the book, etc... Had it been like some other guys they would have beat the hell out of me...and I would have stay in the relationship with the mentality that I deserved it and would have died there too.
Ziggy, I sympathizd with some of your feelings....and I can't say I understand all of what you are going through. However, I can say as far as self-destruction goes...its very real...and we as individuals are the only ones that can stop it. I no longer operate in Self-destruct mode. I found a way to forgive myself....of all that is of the past....and all the mistakes I make now. I was brained washed into believing negative things about myself. Its almost as if I went into my brain and removed thosed negative hard wiring. I realize I deserve a lot, to be happy, to be free, that I am a worthy human being, and I need to protect and preserve myself and my right to be happy and free...and not live with the baggage of guilt they imposed on me.
I hope that if this is apart of whats holding you back.... Being self-destructive...that you can over-come it. From what I have read on your blog....it seems as if you have come a long way....you have accomplished so much....you have come so far from when you were an abused child. You have completed the hardest, lonest stretch of the journey. Dont give up now....just keep pushing til you get to the finish line. People like you and I dont usual finish...we fall out befor its over. Your efforts have been remarkable and exemplary...from the way you raised your son to purchasing your home. I believe in you. You and I must stay in the race so others like you and I don't have to run it alone.
Thank you so much DaisyFlowerz ...yes I think my brain has been wired or conditioned from a young age. I grew up in a very negative,unhappy, toxic environment...lots of arguing, fighting, confrontation. None of the happy stuff. As a result this is how I am and how I have led my life. I don't know how to be happy or indeed how to have a happy, normal relationships. I am trying to shift the anger & negative emotions and be kinder to myself but it is not easy. I am glad that you have managed to overcome your obstacles.
I'm so sorry and sad that you feel so awful. You sound exhausted to me. I believe emotional abuse and neglect to be somewhere beyond souls destroying. You didn't deserve that, having no validation from the people who are supposed to love you is awful awful awful. It creeps into every corner of you.
You clearly did a fab job with your boy! Well done you! You should be proud of yourself!
Where do you go from here though!? Very hard, pushing boulders uphill! Have you had treatment? Therapy to work through this? There are so many beautiful people and places and things to enjoy, you deserve to take off the shackles and live. Ask yourself - what do you have to loose? And maybe thinking of daring to look at what you want? Need? Where to start if where you could use some help so go to your gp. Xx
Thank you Hopetobehappy2013. I first saw my GP at age 18 just after I left home. He diagnosed malaise and I have been on & off anti-depressants ever since. After my last relationship ended about a year ago I saw the GP out of desperation as I was having suicidal thoughts. I begged for therapy. Was referred to the local Mental Health Team, saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed dysmythia and suggested psychotherapy. I am having a weekly session for the next year.
The thing is I just feel so alone. I have my son although we are not getting on at the moment. He is a stroppy & selfish 18 year old! My family (parents & sister) live overseas & I have no real friends I can turn to. I run my old business but don't have much interaction with people on a daily basis so feel quite isolated a lot of the time. My son will have left for Uni in September and I will have to move house once it is sold. I am dreading all this change as the dysmythia means I don't cope very well with change.
Hopefully therapy will help. I am trying to be positive and keep healthy. I have started going to the gym again but that said I have an unhealthy wine habit in the evening. It has been my coping mechanism the last year. I am trying to gradually cut back and substitute with the gym sessions. Easier said!
Thank you so much for your kind comments. It means so much.
Ziggy what an amazing and totally honest blog. I had tears in my eyes as I read it. I do feel so much for you and I do know where you are coming from. I am older than you and often feel I have nothing and no one either. At least you have a son. It sounds like you have done a brilliant job with him. At 18 he is still a silly teenager but wait until he grows up a bit and I bet you have a great relationship with him. At his age parents aren't cool...he is too busy doing all the things that teenagers get up to. He will mature in time.
I know where you are coming from with your parents. I had much the same thing in my family. I have always struggled with this too. I don't have any answers I'm afraid as I often think my life is pointless and useless as well. I find when I have reached my lowest point all I want to do is fade away ie go into a gradual decline like a female heroine in all the best old movies. Trouble is I don't! I get bored with declining and start laughing at myself for my histrionics. I then get up and carry on until the next time.
We are here for you anytime my love. We all understand here and will support you and care for you the best we can.
I also send you loads of hugs xxxxx
Bev xx
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Thank you hypercat. It is so comforting to know that there are others in the same boat. Yes, it is comforting that I have my son. We are going through a rocky patch at the moment, unfortunately. He keeps on saying that he's 18 now and an adult etc etc but actually, you are right, he is still a silly teenager. He has his first serious girlfriend & a part-time job as a result I don't see much of him. He spent the entire weekend with his girlfriend & I couldn't help feeling help feeling hurt that he never once rang me to see how I was. He never offers to help around the house etc all the normal things that grate on parents.
You are right he will mature. I am just so darn sensitive at the moment. It doesn't help that he's all I have (family not here, no real friends). It's not healthy. I really do need to get out of this black hole & get a life.
Hello again, have you had support from the rest of the team? It may be helpful to have somebody gently support you to build up a life? Break it down into manageable steps? Well done for going to the gym! One step at a time with the alcohol, perhaps talk about why you use it in therapy, as coping mechanisms that no longer work for us / are harmful need to be replaced with better ones, but they are of your choosing.
It's very important that you are kind and nurturing of yourself I think.
Do you have anything you are interested in / have always wanted to do? Can you think of five things? Then choose the favourite? A social worker would be helpful for you I think?
Are you happy to chat like this?
You've done really well seeking help but recognise you have a chronic and difficult illness to overcome and you are trying so extra nurturing is needed. What about a yoga class? Learn to relax and 'switch' off? Xx
But remember always be kind to yourself And praise yourself!! Xx
Hi, Hopetobehappy, I am seeing my therapist today for our weekly session. It is my birthday today & I am feeling very low. The only family I have in this country is my 18 year old son. We had a huge fight yesterday and he's still upset with me. He asked me yesterday if I'd like to go out for something to eat tonight. I am conscious of the fact that he's trying to save money & didn't want him to waste money on me so I said it's ok we don't have to etc etc. Don't think I handled it very well.I tried to explain myself but it all came out wrong & we ended having a blow-out. He left a bunch of flowers & a card for me in the dining room but he's not really speaking to me. I thanked him for the flowers and said I'd like to go for that meal tonight but he said (very coldly) that he didn't want to. I was so shocked & taken aback. It has come to the point where I don't think he even likes me. What is wrong with me? All the men in my life (father included) have ended up letting me down..hurting me. He has left for school without saying a word. So, birthday or not another miserable day, all alone. What is the point indeed. I don't think I can sink any lower.
Hi Ziggy, hope you are feeling better. Please remember you are not alone! Cold comfort I agree! I to had the same off my father when I was young about it being all my fault that he had to get married- even though it may have been said in jest I took it badly and was made to feel guilty.
A man of 49 who suffers from depression and anxiety who has to work in a job he totally hates to do as it bought on the condition when the company finally went to the wall.
But I take each day as it comes- some are ok when others I have to stop myself screaming and running down the road ( though I must admit I could do with the exercise!)
Ok, what started the row? Do you expect people to reject you? Why are you not worth a treat? Could he be frustrated because he wanted to treat you? Are you going to talk about it in therapy? Good opportunity o get all the anger out and use the energy to work on it! Let me know how you get on xx
Meant to say! Happy birthday! A celebration of you!, how will you be treating yourself? Spoiling yourself. Remember bring all those feelings to therapy, and use them. X
Thank you. What started the row? Things have been prickly between us for a few months now. He has his first serious g/friend and have had a few rows mainly as I'm concerned that all his other priorities have gone out the window. He is hoping to start a Maths degree in September but to do so means that he has to get very high grades (A* A A). He also has a part time job of around 20 hours per week. But, he is obsessed with this girl. The other day I came home & it was obvious what they had been up to in his room. He knows how I feel about that sort of thing under my roof so I said if I'm not in the house then they can't be alone in his room. He never offers to do anything around the house. He hasn't offered to even cut the grass since my partner left over a year ago. So, everything is up to me. He will happily watch me cooking, cleaning, ironing, lugging the heavy shopping bags from the car without so much as an offer of help. It drives me insane. It's as though he doesn't have any regard for anything or anyone but himself & his g/friend.
When he asked me if I'd like to go out tonight it was as though he felt he ought to & not because he wanted to. I don't think he wanted to. When, I back-tracked & said ok let's go out he then changed his tune & mentioned going to a bbq with his friends!
The g/freind got a £150 diamond necklace from Tiffanys . I get a load of grief!
Sorry, am sounding off like this. It helps to write it all down!
It's good to sound off! You have the right to have your own feelings. But you don't want to use all your energy so you have nothing left for therapy. You need it there so don't dilute it- do you get me?
It does sound like you are not happy with the way he respects you - or the way you feel he doesn't - don't beat yourself up though! You have brought up an independent young man! I personally remember how intense young love is...it's like a drug and nothing else gets a look in, but he's making his own decisions now, we become guidance don't we and he will make mistakes. But you can think about some simple absolute ground rules at home. What you are not prepared to tolerate. Save the rules for the big stuff!
What about talking to your therapist about keeping a diary? Writing things down personally helps me process and you can see progress you have made!
What about
Thinking of things you want to do? Give your head something else to focus on. Yoga or relaxation techniques will help you focus on 'switching off'.
You have three things bothering you
1) your life choices and where you want to go
2) how you have been treated / how that's made you feel / how you DESERVE to be treated (ie respectfully and well)
3)your concerns for your son and your relationship boundaries
Remember Rome was not built in a day! So do not beat yourself up!!! Can you bring these ideas to therapy?xxx
I have no idea if you are still reading these replies. I found this website by accident I think after reading about your life it takes courage to go through what you have and to still be battling you are obviously stronger than you think I say this as someone on the outside looking in I have depression so I know what it feels like be proud of yourself for continuing to fight this
Thanks Gazette, I posted this over a year ago. I was at a very, very low point at that time. In the past year I have had weekly talking therapy sessions for the year; my son is almost a year through first year of a maths degree; he has broken up with that girlfriend! and is so much nicer to me these days
The last year has been such a roller coaster. When I broke up with my partner and he left I was utterly bereft. Suddenly all the low points of my life (crap childhood, miserable jobs working in finance, divorce, numerous failed relationships and so on) came to the fore front. I was at a very low ebb.
It was hard at first when my son left for university. Therapy has definitely helped. It has made me realise that my constant negative mindset meant that I failed to see just what I had actually achieved, despite my dysfunctional childhood and depression and anxiety as a result.
I was thrown out of home at 17 and had to fend for myself (no emotional or financial support). I bought my first home at 23 and had a successful career in finance (although I hated it!). At 31 I moved to the UK with my son for a better life. I worked hard so we could live in a decent area and so that he could go to a good school. My son thrived in the UK, went on to be head boy and is now doing a maths degree with a promising future ahead of him. I started my own business from scratch 3 years ago and it has gone from strength to strength - I have recently expanded and started recruiting staff. I never did give myself credit for any of these things.
I have not looked at another man since my ex left 2 years ago. Heaven forbid no! This is where it seems I have gone wrong. Jumped from one suitable relationship to another since the age of 17 - desperately looking for a man to make me feel safe and secure, perhaps because I never did receive this from my own father. This is the longest stretch that I have not been in a relationship and it's bliss!
This past year I have been kind to myself. Through therapy and being alone, I have started to heal inside. I still have my down days and think that I always but they are not as many desperate days now. I have started to appreciate just being alive and the beauty of the world around me - just going for a drive on a sunny day in the countryside gives me great pleasure. I no longer feel desperate at being alone. In fact I'm relishing it! It is liberating to know that I am my own boss and don't need to depend on anyone for anything, especially not a man.
I have started to come out of hibernation and almost feel happy and peaceful with who I am and. There are a couple of hurdles ahead - I will have to move out of the house I shared with my ex - but actually I am looking forward to getting a place of my own. I feel a lot stronger than I did a year ago and feel that now the world is my oyster and I don't need to be scared anymore.
Then only thing that worries me is how I will be once the therapy comes to an end in 3 weeks. I am hoping that I am now strong enough to cope without it.
Lovely to read this post. It is great to see the two posts almost one year apart and the journey to where you are now. Seems as though the last year has been tough, getting to know, accept and be kind to yourself. Good luck going forwards coming out of hibernation!
Thanks Sarah, yes there is a slight glimmer of light now at the end of the tunnel. I've some way to go though!
Hi
Like other people who empathise with what you have written and have sympathised with you, I feel for you. Your childhood was hurtful instead of nurturing, as a result your adult life has been blighted to you even though you have good qualities and put the work into enabling your son to achieve well.
I think knowing people care and understand is not enough. You are wondering why it is worth staying alive and I cannot give you any reason as you have to find that for yourself. It is hard for people to understand why when life could offer so much some people do not want to live - most people who use this site will have felt like giving up on life at some times in their lives - I certainly have. I can't offer any reasons for carrying on, only you can decide.
Whenever I have felt really low - as you do and probably have for some time - I ask myself why I have never committed suicide and, why I continue caring about anyone or anything. The only answer I can give to you is that I do. You are alive and sometimes that is all there is. You say that you were diagnosed with dysthymia but who cares about a diagnosis when the issue is about whether to live or die - you are asking yourself whether you want to continue with life and knowing what is or isn't wrong with you isn't helpful.
You feel hurt, angry, bitter and resentful - and rightly so. Your parents should have offered you love but instead put you down and used you to express their own unmet needs and resentments. It is sad when parents do that because they leave their children to become adults who are inadequately prepared for living. You did not choose to be born but you are alive. The question is whether you want to continue that way or would prefer to choose death - if you do choose to die nobody can stop you from killing yourself.
You are alive, you have animals and have a job. It sounds as though you will have to move home when the house is sold and are finding the thought of the effort involved in starting again too much - I can understand that. You moved to the UK for a fresh start and once again that didn't work out as you had hoped. The idea of starting yet again must feel overwhelming.
You do not say whether you have ever experienced what it is to feel loved by anyone but my guess is that you have not. I wonder whether you are able to allow yourself to be cared about and would recognise love if it was given to you. Neither parent was loving towards you and so probably you do not know what it is to feel loved.
I have no answers for you. If you decide to live then we will support you as best we can.
Suexx
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Thanks Sue - read my post above to Gazette.
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Oh that's great, things are looking up for you. Suex
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Thanks Sue, my therapy is coming to an end in 3 weeks. I actually broke down in tears at last weeks session when we spoke about this. I am hoping that I won't relapse!
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Yes, it is difficult when therapy ends - I know that as my own therapy ended a few weeks ago and I miss having support. It is good that you are able to feel about the ending and still have a few sessions in which to share the feelings. I hope you manage to hold onto the good you have got from it - I find that I am always much better as a result of therapy but that I don't always FEEL better - things go on shifting after therapy but there will also be relapses. Use the website when you need to, it will continue to support you. x
I am so happy that you are doing better. I read all your posts this am and thought it could have been written by me. I feel now where you did a year ago. Anxious, depressed, confused what to do, frustrated and trying to believe that I have a choice which was this thing goes. Instead of that feeling like relief, possibilities, freedom it actually scared the shit out me, the depression/anx first and then thinking I might not have a choice in whether or not I ultimately succumb to it. Trying one day a time for sure today.
Yes, it is difficult, any way you can have contact with any other therapist, maybe counselling through a voluntary agency?
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I think I may need to explore other therapy options.I was doing really well but my mood is starting to slip again. It was nice talking to someone who understands my situation. My therapy ended at the worst possible time - the week it all kicked off with my father!
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Hey ziggy2012 if you have any trouble with excessive thinking or trouble controlling your emotions & feelings, if you inbox me i'll give you some techniques to practice anywhere that should help you.
Thanks but honestly I am pretty much done with the drugs and conventional therapy. 20+ years. But it's been somewhat helpful to zero in on what i really need because I have much greater awareness/understanding of the issues, the cause and the effects of them. After getting much better over the last year, the last few days i have fallen hard. I think a lot of shit that's been repressed and run from so long is finally coming to surface to be f*cking dealt with.
I found your post when searching Google for help. I'm 33 y.o., single, no one in sight. I have MS - multiple sclerosis; my mother died 9 years ago; I was never too close with Dad when she was alive; I'm an only child. MS puts me in deep depression and causes me psychiatric problems; they started when Mom was alive; the stress of it eventually caused Mom's cancer. Now Dad found a girlfriend and I'm jealous and uncomfortable, scared to stay home alone when he goes over to her place. I tried telling him twice, he calmed me down and still goes over to her place, disregarding my feelings. We had a big fight right now and Dad screamed: YOU DROVE MOM TO HER GRAVE, YOU'RE TRYING TO DRIVE ME THERE NOW!! WHEN I DIE YOU'LL BE ALL ALONE AND DISABLED! I also feel at the end of the rope now. The guilt is driving me insane, not to mention the loneliness and MS. I was a wonderful kid and everyone got used to loving me conditionally, only when I'm good and satisfy everyone; when I try to voice my wishes people tell me to shut up. Am I wrong? What should I do?
OMG Do Not Listen to them They will drive you to an early grave.
Please be strong and walk away from these awful people how dare they say these awful things to you.
Everyone suffers from depression or gets very low at different stages in their lifes and some find it very hard to face and deal with.
Treat it like a horrible person destract your mind to something else read self help books like Louise Hay from Amazon talk to the Angels in your head and ask for help.
Keep a journal of things you need help with.
Ask someone who you can trust for help or ask this forum as we are all here to help one another.
Hi, thanks for posting.
Listen, you DIDN'T cause your Mom's cancer! It sounds as though your Dad blames you for her death. That is very unfair of him and he is wrong - of course you didn't! No-one, not even the medical specialists, will know for sure what caused the cancer. Also, very cruel and unkind of him to say that you will be alone and disabled when he goes. Sounds as though he has lots of issues.
You don't say whether you work or are unable to because of the MS and are therefore totally dependent on your Dad. Do you have any other form of social contact in the way of other family or friends? It sounds as though you feel very trapped and unable t o change your situation because of your MS.
I wrote the post that you stumbled across 2 years ago: I was at a very low ebb then. Like you, I felt very alone and socially isolated - having just split up with my long-term partner, no family in this country, few friends locally and only son due to leave soon for University. Time passes, things change, nothing stays the same. I could have wallowed in my pit of despair and self-pity (I did for a while!) OR I could take small steps to try and change my situation/mindset in order to get more out of my life and hopefully find that happiness that had eluded me for most of my life.
Now, I don't and didn't have a medical condition like MS, so I can't comprehend that things must be doubly difficult for you as you have depression as well as the MS. The MS caused your depression, by the sounds of things. My mental illness (depression and anxiety) was caused by emotional trauma in childhood and subsequent knocks that life inevitably throws at you. When I wrote that post I literally was at the end of my tether and felt I had reached the end of the road. But, slowly I made small changes that had a positive impact on my mindset and life. There was nobody that was going to magically appear on my doorstep and make it all better.
I saw my GP and literally begged for therapy. Before I saw the GP I wrote down exactly how low I was feeling and gave it to her. I went into great detail about my past etc and what effect it had had on me. A GP appointment is only 10 minutes long so I needed to make sure that the GP understood just how desperate I felt. I had been turned down for therapy in the past. Luckily the GP I saw that day was a woman and may have saved my life. She immediately referred me to the Mental Health Team who started me on 1 x week 12 months of psychotherapy. This helped me enormously. I still have bad days but the therapy helped me look at things from a different perspective. I also made small changes that made me feel a lot better within myself, like: exercising more and eating healthier; taking vitamin supplements; using my SAD lamp in winter; making an effort to connect more socially and forge new friendships; focusing growing my business (since I wrote that post my business has exploded and I now employ 5 people); letting go of the past (you cannot change it) and not think too far into the future - live for the present; doing things that I enjoy like baking, reading, spending time with my pets whose love is unconditional.
Make a list of the changes you want to make to improve the quality of your life. Not sure whether you are in the UK, if so, get the help you need and, if it's what you want, finding a place of your own with support, if you need it. If you feel socially isolated try and connect more with people. My regular gym classes were a great place to make new friends. If that's not possible for you then there's forums like this - which will provide lots of support. If you haven't already done so, as a starting point, please see your GP.
If a person wants to leave this planet by dying, they should just be allowed to do it. As long as nobody else gets physically hurt or dead by it, why the hell not? Life is not as easy for some people as it is for others, and if life is too shitty for some people, then they should have the right to live or die. Happiness, TRUE happiness, in this world is only relative. If you're a happy and content individual, and you just can't understand why anyone would actually want to die, then you're ignorant and stupid. Not everybody is capable of being happy in this world…just sayin'.
I'm very proud of you for being able to raise your son up to where he is now. I live in the UK too. I know you feel like you should give up, but you have to keep holding on. What if your son was feeling this way, how would you help him? Your mother may not have been much of a mother to you, but what kind of a mother are you if you leave your son? He still loves you, and you still love him. Just a few tips for feeling happier.
1. Use your mind to speak above the little voice in your head that's telling you to end your life. The biggest boundary in your way is you.
2. Take up hobbies, try to stop bad habits. Got the gym, travel the world, take up painting, knit, bake, cycle, jog, do all the things you thought you couldn't do!
3. Try to make new friends, or help people who are going through the same problem you are. Beat this together!
Just typed in 'I feel low and don't want to do anything about it'
Don't really want an answer - I know the answer - the answer is me.
I hope you went on, as all of us, underneath you have a lot to give and have given a lot = event tho if you feel ('feel things') like I do - you probably don't feel like that.
There is no point , we don't / cant see it - so if there is a point at all, we have to make it.
I found your post today. I am 42 and there are many similarities in our stories. The only reason I do not take my own life at this point in time is the inconvenience it would cause to my children. I hope that you are still here today maybe in a better place. Your story has certainly touched me reading it
It or you may feel you are at the end of the road at various times in your life.
But please treat this as a new learning curve to go forward.
It is all about learning how we deal with things and if we get it wrong we have the same situation pop up again until we get it right. I didn't really believe this until it happened to me so now it is going forward to find the solution.
Never give up It is never the aend of the road.
It is a New Adventure that we have to follow and share with others.
Hope this helps Best of Luck on your journey of adventure.
Please write to me. I understand and care I have oh so many scars. And have been through a burning hoop of fire too many times
but I as everyone else have someone who is there all the way and who knows the pain you feel. God isn't a mythology. No matter what the greedy the racists the nastiest most evildoers can muster he is not going to anywhere and shall carry you in your darkest moments
you cant look for answers or blame you have already endured far too much misery and hurt.
you have a heart that is strong and resilient sadly due to the horrible happenings.
This I share and didn't come to that realization until 45 years-old. My story is long and some moments ive been blessed with in the past 3 years would take days to tell
I care about you and hope to hear from you soon.
we may never meet up in our short time on earth But a time shall come when we and so many other true soul's shall be in eternal peace . I promise you that this day will come and pass ..
I know I'm late to the party.. but I have to tell you that I literally can't believe how very alike our lives have been.. I had to read this and make sure that it wasn't ME that had written something and forgotten about it...
The only difference is that my parent's roles were reversed but they were/are as bad as each other. both just selfish. I'm still in the UK and still hate it with a passion.. My 18 y/o got himself a girlfriend too and she's ok, best of the bad bunch really but he still says to me "When are we going to win lotto and go home mum?"... He was 4 when we first moved here. Mainly because of my crap arse family too.... My family are all well-to-do, not that they'd ever admit it and I've never had anything due to the fact that I always gave everything away.. I was a late maturer. I didn't understand how manipulative and cunning people could be until I'd lost everything, more than a couple of times.
Dying is easy, it's living that's hard. It's always gonna be hard. But just keep going, everything was like that for me, old, divorced, nothing ever going right, wanting to skip to the end and make the pain go away. Just keep going, you'll hit that unless moment, where everything changes, I did.
Hi beautiful, you are repeating my own story. Maybe it's wrong but do you think people with same story and conditions can truly understand and help eachother. If you need to talk please contact me and see if we can put a stop to this pain.
I hope this message does reach you and can help you or at least someone who may have gone through similar experiences.
Based on all the information you've provided in your post three years ago, it sounds to me that you could be experiencing some form of "Emotional Deprivation Disorder".
I recommend reading the following two online articles to learn more about this concept:
1. Emotional Deprivation Disorder by Suzanne M. Baars and Bonnie N. Shayne
2. The Face of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) by Jonice Webb
These two articles really helped me articulate in my mind what I have been going through, I really hope it helps you too and of course other people out there.
It is a real shame that this is actually an ongoing challenge in the modern world. I consider it one of the worse things out there.
A well educated homeless man I met and befriended on my life journey always told me to count my blessings whenever I felt sad or depressed. It didn't work for me but I still try and when I think about it, it's quite funny.
I give my heart and thoughts to everyone with similar life experiences in hopes you find affirmation, love, fulfilment and that you don't give up.
Your life history is very, very sad in places - most of it, to be honest. There is a joy and a light when you mention your son. What he said and his feelings now about needing distance are temporary. Don't give up on him. If you don't mind me saying so - your father was utterly brutal in the way he raised you - or didn't bother too. Let it go. Some people are incapable of being good and you father did not deserve to have you as a daughter. Hang in there, please - make it better, in tiny wee steps and do that just one day at a time. Love Wendy xxx
Ziggy I feel for you I really do hun, im 44 so a similar age to you, I just want you to know im sending you a big hug xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks, you helped me feel better about my choice to end my life, because it is true that even if i stay and do the best i can for my 2 sons, they are still gunna grow up and throw it all back in my face when they treat their bitch girlfriend like a queen and me like a piece of shit.. That would happen either way right, good mother or shit mother.. So now i don't feel so bad about giving up.. i am not busting my ass and giving up my youth just so some skanky little bitch can be their number one, and i end up with nothing for my efforts and sacrifices (which I've already done too much of). I'll also never be100% certain any grandchildren are actually my son's either, that bothers me as i would not be interested in investing time or effort into little brats that weren't biologically mine. I could become a foster parent if that was something i wanted.
and i know this makes me seem like a very selfish and uncaring person, but i've learned that putting everyone else before me and revolving my life around my children is just not worth it, i end up getting kicked in the teeth for my efforts, get no appreciation, and still being miserable. So if i'm going to get nothing, may as well give nothing.
I was JUST wondering the same thing (only 5 hours after you were) I'm feeling the same way she is/was with a simular life story only I'm a bit older. 😓
I could not help my tears flooding down reading your post, it felt like reading my own life, but unlike you moving away from destructive men in your life, I got stuck with one for 16 yrs, you know the voice in your head telling you you're not good enough, that's him in flesh and blood, as if I am married to my dad!!!! I have been treated like a naughty kid in classroom and he is the punishing teacher, always criticising, blaming. I finally managed to move out in last July, I lost my home, all my savings and am left with lots of his debt to pay back. I have my son he is 11, he is a great kid and was the headboy too in junior school,
I have to make a living for us both, get back up on my feet and start all over again, I have no energy, no confidence and no hope..
Apart from being there for my son, I can't see any point either, no light visible for me at end of the tunnel, I wish for death to come and find me and pray to God to take care of my son when I am gone,
I feel no joy but worry and anger, medication doesn't help
Hope you feel better soon tho
With love
Hi I'm feeling exactly the same. I'm on multiple medications . And was diagnosed with autism last year, I'm 50 so this diagnosis was way to late , the agitation, anxiety and deep thinking has become to much to bear, I was adopted as a baby so didn't have a great childhood , I've become so exhausted k feel like I can't carry on x
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Help I am at the end of the road 
At the end of my tether 
i don't know how to even go on anymore
Help. Anxiety is unmanageable and cant move forward.
Sun is Shining but I Feel the Dark Clouds Hovering
