Fed up of fighting

3 years ago I had a miscarriage, my relationship broke down, my friend died, I had an ectopic pregnancy and my dog was put to sleep all in the space of 6 months. After each one I tried to get back up and carry on with life even though I didn't feel like it but after the last event-losing my much loved dog I just gave up inside, like something died inside me.

I had always been a fighter, I had been abused from a baby, throughout my childhood and had some long term relationships which were highly abusive but I fought through. But its as if them few years ago I finally gave up inside. I go through the motions of life because a few years ago I realised it takes courage to end your life and I didn't even have that so I carry on, I tick all the metaphorical boxes that society and self help books tell me should make me feel better but I feel nothing unless it's contempt for this life and the world we live in.

Throughout my life I pushed through, told myself that I could make things better by positive thinking, connecting with others, helping people, working hard, art classes, gym, yoga, therapy etc etc but that series of events knocked me down and I never got back up. I suppose the underlying belief is that there's no point trying anymore because the s* *t will hit the fan again before long so why bother and I can't argue with that because there's too much evidence to support it.

To the outside world I appear to be fine but when I'm home I sit and cry and I see no point in life.

[hypercat54]

Hi you had a lot of terrible things happen in a very short space of time so no wonder you found it very hard to cope. Maybe you should have taken more time when it all happened and grieved properly. I wonder if how you are feeling now is because you didn't? It could be locked up grief.

It could also have become depression and this is common following adverse events in your life. I think you should start by seeing a doctor and getting some medical advice. x

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Mystique56, thank you for your post. It is really no wonder you are feeling that you can't take any more as so many awful things happened to you in such a short space of time. I think joining our forum may be very helpful for you. Our member are very caring and supportive and I am sure you will receive further replies soon that can support you through this very difficult time that you are having. I agree with your reply from Hypercat that you really do need Professional care and treatment. You may well be feeling low and depressed and it is very important that you go along to your GP and explain in detail what you have gone through and that you are finding your life so difficult and empty. Perhaps some medication will help you to feel a little better and be able to start picking up the pieces again. You say you have been a fighter all your life. Keep that in mind and don't give up now, there is hope and you can get through this. Try and believe yo can get better and try and stay strong and positive. I think some Bereavement Counselling can be of great value to you, and your GP may be able to organise this for you. You have suffered an awful lot of losses and it is very true that you may not have grieved for each loss that you have experienced. Grief and loss can make us feel very low in mood and feel that life is very bleak and empty. Being able to talk through your loses and feelings and thoughts with a bereavement counsellor can help you to process your grief and loss, while acknowledging all that you have experienced, and learning new strategies to help you cope and feel better. I am truly sorry for all your losses and loosing a beloved pet makes us feel void and very very sad and lonely. You may also get support from Cruse Bereavement Organisation.These are the details.....

cruse.org.uk/ Helpline Telephone Number.........0808 808 1677 (Freephone) Mon- Fri 9-30-5pm (excluding B/H) with extended hours Tue- Wed- and Thursday evenings until 8pm. Cruse offers face to face counselling, telephone, email and website support including literature.

You may also find some useful information in the Pinned Posts section. Please stay on the forum and I wonder if any of our great and very helpful members can offer further suggestions for our friend in need here.....many thanks. I hope that you start to feel better soon and pleae do go to your GP as soon as possible to start accessing the Professional Help and Support that you need to move forward and to start engaging with life again. Try and believe in yourself and believe that you are a good and valuable and worthwhile person, who deserves and needs to feel better. I wish you all the very best and again please accept all my condolences and sympathies including your beloved pet and faithful friend and companion, and wish you well and that your life will improve and become happier for you............with very best wishes and good luck to you......mas nurse....

[lin62-65ze]

I truly feel for you, losing so much in a short space of time is really too much to bear. Plus you were abused when young. You do not say if you have help in the form of counselling? The fact is you do need help, and you obviously are a magnet for attracting the wrong men in your life. To lose your dog is devastating as my son lost his and he still mourns her nearly a year now. The only way I can help you is listening to your problems, you are probably miles away from me otherwise I would sit and hold your hand and listen. You sound strong but all of this has drained you and made you feel beaten. Have you told your GP? I honestly feel you do need professional help and your GP can direct you. Please DO NOT give up, hopefully you can get another dog, there are lots needing love in dog homes. I am here for you and you can contact me on the site as I want to know how you are, brave lovely woman 😊💐💐🤗xxx

[Hidden in reply to lin62-65ze]

Thank you so much for your kind words

[Abbi1960]

I feel the same you need time for you ,to try to heal the things you can and to try and accept the things you can’t .i can relate to feeling don’t bother because there will be another horrible experience just round the corner. What I have done is choose who I wish to have a relationship with ,were I would feel bad if something happened like my children . There is no one else who I could feel that deeply about . My dad died in 87 at 57 since then I have Told myself there is no one (except kids) can hurt me as much as that. So when my husband left me for a mate, I kept saying that and it made me stronger and if people think I’m hard its not it’s self preservation . I hope you can find the path that helps you .

[Hidden]

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the replies and the kind words and advice.

I visited my doctor eventually, he prescribed mirtazapine and citalopram. I was on them for about a year, they created a buffer I suppose and the mirtazapine helped me to get some sleep at least but I remained suicidal. I had nightmares and those events were constantly at the forefront of my mind, I veered from moping around and bursting into tears to having no feeling at all.

I was referred to a psychiatrist 15 months ago and was diagnosed with PTSD, that's when a lot of things came up from the past and I realised how much damage had been done, no more happy denial for me. I stopped taking the antidepressants as it seemed pointless, I went and got an allotment plot, I went there every day and worked off the excess adrenaline, it was winter so no one was around and it was so peaceful but I'd often cry as I was working...at least no one could see me. It did help. I had to give it up as I moved to the other side of the city but I have just taken on another one in this area. I do things with my life, that's what I meant when I said on the outside I look like I'm doing ok but inside its a very different story.

I already have a dog as I had the two from puppies, she's 12 in June. I could never replace the one who died. She suffered terribly when the other one died, she didn't understand, I think she thought he'd come back as she would always leave a space for him on the sofa, it was heart-breaking to see. She's been better since we moved but she was diagnosed with arthritis last year, same as my boy that died. I just try and take the best care of her as I can but that diagnosis brought up a lot of anger.

I think I am very angry overall and I do think "why me?" but I know in life it should be "why not me?" life's a bitch and then you die.....at least that's what a psychotherapist said to me, I think she's right when it comes to my life. If I listed it all from when I was a baby it'd read like a horror story, the report that the psychiatrist wrote was bad enough and that only listed parts of it, I put it away and never read it again...it sounds like it happened to someone else, I'd blocked it out that much.

I no longer see a therapist..I just get on with my life cos what else can you do but its not living if you know what I mean. But this has helped, getting it out, being able to talk about the way I feel. I've found that in the past people have pushed me to 'move forward' and forget about the past, I've been judged as if I'm not making the effort to get better, as if I'm doing something wrong, I no longer associate with those people but I don't talk about my feelings to anyone, I don't want to upset anyone or be judged. I don't think anyone can say anything that I haven't tried already, I just accept now that this is how I feel..i think its called apathy.

So thank you for providing me with a safe space to share my feelings and I do appreciate all the advice...I know its all well meant.