3 years ago I had a miscarriage, my relationship broke down, my friend died, I had an ectopic pregnancy and my dog was put to sleep all in the space of 6 months. After each one I tried to get back up and carry on with life even though I didn't feel like it but after the last event-losing my much loved dog I just gave up inside, like something died inside me.
I had always been a fighter, I had been abused from a baby, throughout my childhood and had some long term relationships which were highly abusive but I fought through. But its as if them few years ago I finally gave up inside. I go through the motions of life because a few years ago I realised it takes courage to end your life and I didn't even have that so I carry on, I tick all the metaphorical boxes that society and self help books tell me should make me feel better but I feel nothing unless it's contempt for this life and the world we live in.
Throughout my life I pushed through, told myself that I could make things better by positive thinking, connecting with others, helping people, working hard, art classes, gym, yoga, therapy etc etc but that series of events knocked me down and I never got back up. I suppose the underlying belief is that there's no point trying anymore because the s* *t will hit the fan again before long so why bother and I can't argue with that because there's too much evidence to support it.
To the outside world I appear to be fine but when I'm home I sit and cry and I see no point in life.