Tomorrow is a big day for me as I have a massive assessment at the hospital for my mental health. As far as what I know it'll be me and 3 other professionals in there for a good hour at least. They'll assess all my meds and make sure I'm suited for it and change any where needed.
I've had a good couple of days and it's just this point I'm slowly slipping. Sometimes I just wish I had an escape but I don't. It's a bunch of stuff just going on in my head that I cant even explain because, I don't even understand it myself to be honest. I can never judge what I'm going to be like the next day anymore, I literally have to take it a day at a time.
I try so hard to be okay. To make people around me happy and all I feel is just this dark cloud raining over me. I wish I could just tell people what is truly going on in my head without caring about what they'll do, say or think. I take everything to heart and I mean everything and then I just over think it all and drive myself crazy.
I like to get into body mods when I'm in this state so, I usually plan my mods whether it be what's getting pierced or tattooed next to should I get scarification or implants etc. I guess you could say it's a form of self-harm which I resort to when I feel like this and you're probably right. I try not to self harm but it's just so easy to feel that release that I so need to feel daily.
i just feel lost right now. would it be considered quitting if I just upped and left? If i just ended this all?
The worst thing is, when i feel this way, I feel at home because I know how to cope with it all I guess.
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AmeliaIvy
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11 Replies
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Please don't self-harm ever even if it seems like a coping device.
Hope you have a good assessment at the hospital, and never think of opting out. Life (even though it's a major bitch at times) still has its precious moments. It's going to get better for you I just know. And the fact that you'll have three professionals evaluating and possibly adjusting your medication is a step in the right direction.
I truly wish you the very best with your assessment and hope that it is favourable for you. I know what you mean when you discuss self harm, it overwhelms oneself so immensly but one can not find an outlet for the sudden overwhelming feelings, no words can express those feelings and so self harm becomes the only viable option but please, if you can, try to find another avenue, perhaps look to a creative outlet, art therapy and journaling are very good way of expressing one's feelings. No one can empathise enough about another person's suffering than another sufferer.....you are not alone, we are here for you....We care about you and support you....you are not alone.
Have you a clinician, nurse, doctor, GP etc with whom you can relate to and whom you feel is capable which you can be totally comfortable discussing your feelings and concerns with so as to get all the help that you need?
Hi, I missed my appointment this morning due to taking my sleeping tablets. I didn't wake up until 1pm. They were more than happy to make me a new appointment and understandable about the situation. Its my birthday on Tuesday and I'm off to my mums for the night and she's making me pancakes. Yes, reliving my childhood seems great right now for how I feel.
I go see my doctor every 2-3 weeks depending how busy he is but he's the only one who truly knows how I feel and hes the only doctors Ive met who takes the time to listen.
Hi why do you need to try so hard to make everyone round you happy? Do they try to make you happy in return? If not why not? Is it your role to sacrifice yourself for others? No wonder you are so unhappy - anyone would be under those circumstances. Putting an act on for others is exhausting and very frustrating. You need people around you whom you can be yourself with warts and all. x
Hi, its more the situation of, if I truly show how I feel and tell them exactly what I think, they'll just up and leave. After writing this post, I broke down to my partner and told him everything. Hes been so supportive throughout all of this, I just cant say thank to him enough times for it. I'm just scared that everyone will think, ugh cant deal with that and go x
Well that's good news well done. If your partner understands so might some of the others in your life. We are all human you know and we all cry and hurt sometimes.
I am not saying blurt out everything to people at once, but if you are feeling upset about something don't try and hide it, let people see so they can help you. After all you would do that for a friend wouldn't you? If you are feeling quiet you haven't got to be the life and soul. I think others pick up when you are not being true to yourself and you run the risk of coming across as 'fake' or not connecting to them. x
Wishing you the best of luck for your assessment. Coughalot is right you need to think about yourself as well as others since a lot of time they don't appreciate it. I hope that you start to get better soon.
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