Self Loathing

Sometimes this feeling comes on so strong I am filled with absolute hate towards myself. I never broke any laws or anything like that I need to seek forgiveness for per se. I just hate me for being me. I've heard all the 'political correct' things people say when they hear someone self loathes. I do volunteer work, have a full time job and have a supportive partner for the last 3 years. I take medication, see my doctor and get regular exercise. When I say how I feel my partner listens and says what I am saying is not what he sees in me. But there has been times I felt so bad I hid in a barn to avoid a staff Christmas party. Yes - a barn. Another time I hid behind an opened door against the wall to avoid being hauled off to a staff group photo. I just felt so disgusting I had to hide. I will throw in there that I am somewhat underweight. How do other people experience self- loathing. I don't drink and cutting doesn't appeal to me. My weapon against myself is food. I like when I am extremely hungry because it is a distraction when I am struggling.

31 Replies

  • Hi . What you are experiencing are normal adult fears .many people have mechanisms of hate and self loathing .we try to keep control of but some times fail and hit rock bottom . It sounds like you have some wonderful people around you . For your self I think you need to seek councilling. If only to talk about how you see life . Xxian ps I have a wife who didn't want to be in wedding photos !!!

  • Thank-you so much. I relate to your wife even though I am certain she looked very beautiful especially on her wedding day- and still felt like I do.

  • I beg you to please see a counselor. I cannot imagine where you picked this self-loathing up. It is not normally something we just pick up on our own. Something has to trigger it.

    Did / do you have a satisfactory, loving relationship with your parents and with your siblings (if you have them) ? Let a counselor try and help you figure out where this has come from. Once you do that, it will be easier to zero in on it and do something about it.

    Please try this. I am sure there is someone, some counselor, who can guide you as you discover how this all came about. That will help you so much in helping yourself

    shake these feelings.

    We are here, and WE CARE ! ( + : />

    With love,


    ( Annie55406 )

  • Thank-you Annie. I had a rough childhood with drink and violence in the home. And I was put in foster care but ran away instead. I literally was homeless for awhile. Then I got back in school and did well and got a great job until my kidney gave out. I have no contact with my siblings and have indiffence to their lives and kids. I have not been in my home state in well over 10 years and hope never to go there again. I don't even think about those people unless I am asked to answer mental health related questions. I really feel indifference to them all. And for the lack of a better term I do forgive them. Even before my dad died he said he had no idea how I could be there with him after how he let me down and he was very sorry. So that did help me as an adult.

  • There is only one person who knows the reason for your self loathing and that is you. I recall being told I needed to love myself and wondering how exactly to do that. I found emotional freedom therapy useful. I found treating myself as if I was my best friend useful. Allowing myself the quirks and eccentricities that I find charming in other people. I took "should" out of my vocabulary and replaced it with "need". I stopped thinking about what others thought of me and started to think about what I think of them. I did non of this alone and much with the help of counselling, NLP and mindfulness. You sound as if you have a secure Base to start. I wish you well and have hope that you can improve.

  • Thank-you for your reply. I do have a supportive partner who even goes to see my doctor with me. I never had things so good as I do now. So I am very lucky.

  • Please don't think that just because you are "very lucky" means that this is an easy thing to Overcome, the feeling you describe are very difficult. Please don't be hard on yourself. You do have help which is good and hopefully this will see you through, so you can become the secure person you deserve to be. You sound like a lovely person.

  • Thank-you Allestklar. I sincerely appeciate your kind words and advice.

  • Hi

    First let me say Im so sorry you feel this way.

    However I know this may sound harsh but you must stop this. You know right and wrong, you black and white, rarely in life do you find those absolutes but here they are, you are wrong! You have NOTHING to be ashamed off, you are whether you like it or not a MIRACLE.

    Now hear me out, this is a fact ' Probability of right sperm meeting right egg: 1 in 400 quadrillion', you can look that up. What that means is a) YOU are a miracle and b) if you believe in God or a higher power it must have loved YOU and awful lot to give you life.

    Now I know this isn't about facts but I think it helps to back up emotion with facts, just to start off with, so here you are a magnificent human being full of talents we (we on the forum) have no knowledge off. We all have a talent or a few talents, I'm going to suggest you aren't being true to yours. There is something you love and could do from dawn till dusk and still love (for me its anything artistic). You need to do that, in this time of trouble immerse yourself in what you love, be selfish. This is your time on this earth for you no one else.

    There is NO ONE like you on this planet not a single other person, we all need you, you make a huge jigsaw of life and without you it isn't whole.

    Think of it in terms of the animal kingdom, if you were a bee (you gotta love bees, so cute). If you were a bee and weren't pollinating plants there would be no plants (well few plants) and no eco system. We literally cannot survive without bees. So if you were a small animal or insect we could not do without you (we can't actually). Now I don't think for a second bees go round thinking they 'need' to be here, they don't know the bigger picture anymore than you do, so take it as read we ALL need YOU! Even if I cant explain to the last detail how.

    I'm aware if you are taking medication and have severe depression things aren't on the level for you, you can't think straight you cant breathe easily. Nothing is going to change over night but you can make changes for the near future you can break this cycle. A lot of what you need is ways to relax and I mean really relax give your brain a rest. Learn meditation, go swimming, read novels, listen to the radio, turn the noise OFF in your head regularly and it will get easier to do so each time, you will be building up resistance to those bad thoughts.

    You can turn all this around and you have too because we all need you, you are very much loved, there is no requirement for what anyone see's as perfection which is rubbish anyway. Be easy about your life, change to your own best friend if you saw someone suffering as you do, you would only see their shinning light of potential, you would look at them with kindness and love. Be that for your own self.

    People will try and make you feel less than you are through their own fear, the media has us believe people are untrustworthy, mean, calculating, its not true. At the heart most people are just trying to do their best and if you were in a room full of people and told them how you felt they would WANT to comfort you, tell you, you are important.

    Im so sorry you feel this way, this should never ever happen to you or anyone else, everyone last person on this planet (even my is important, is worthy and is loved. We alllll need you and we alll want you to be happy, to lead a life you love.

    Sorry for the long email please, please for me for all of us go easy on yourself, you have NOTHING to prove and just being on this earth, just being alive with your own ideas helps us progress as a race of human beings. You are a worth, amazing human being, no robot, or computer can do what you do, can operate on the muiltasking level you do. Worthless, not for a moment in your life have you ever been anything but of great value to us all. I for one and very grateful to you for being here on this planet helping us all.



  • Wow Caroline thank-you for your reply. Your time and kindness to write your letter really is so generous. Thank-you. I used to have a somewhat much desired career that involved international travel and that included helping people and animals. The time I spent with people in 3rd world countries both helps me and hinders my depression. Even after being 4 years of loosing my career I studied 6 years and worked for about 8 years- I am thankful for a warm shower and a toilet that even flushes and clean laundry. In fact in my new 'career' I took over the laundry duties even though they nothing to do with my job description. I think the term 'healthy addication' fits my love of clean laundry. Some of my best memories of my young childhood was around my mother doing laundry and playing with the blue foam fleecy pads that were used in the dryer back in the 70's. Then when my mother subcumbed to her own mental illness she stopped doing laundry for us so I even remember trying to iron my dad's dress shirts when I was5 and probably should of not been left alone with a hot iron but having his clothes clean and ironed lessened my parents fighting. My dad used to call the dryer - the closet because if he was lucky the clothes he needed for work were in there as mother never folded or put them away anymore. And in the3rd world I have done as long as three months without properly washed clothes. Washing clothes in dirty water is still wasteful and not very efficient. Many of us wore the same clothes for extended period of times. So for all that- I have a happiness in clean sheets and clothes that the average North American doesn't have. With my new'career' I can't afford to buy my own washing machine which does make me feel less as my peers all have cars and washing machines and most importantly their job is not dirty like mine. This is PART ONE of my reply!

  • Thank-you Sharon.

  • Yes she is right I should have said it really was a lovely reply XX

  • life's good! Don't stress. It will all work out okay! I have to have an ultrasound (pelvic & Transvaginal) to determine my swollen & distended tummy. I am Overwhelmed by life too! I eat for comfort. But, have an interview with the live well program in Derby DE13NE- Wish me luck!

  • Good luck Spanner79 ! You are brave for taking responsibility with your health and getting those difficult tests done. Hope everything is only good news for you.

  • PART TWO... I lost my career because of kidney failure- I can not travel like I did now I case I need special edition treatment and I am in a remote location. So the job I have now involves working a split shift 6 days a week and it involves working in barns with barn yard animals. I am the only person who does a split shift. And that is a requirement of the job. People at work know what I do and they will say mean things like asking me if I am wearing the perfume scent of Ole to Duck Sh"t so I must have a date tonight- or people gagging at the smell that I am there to clean and saying they know I am around because they can smell me. I am a clean person but work in a dirty environment in a split shift 6 days a week. Morning and evening until 10pm. So I never get the true chance to enjoy dressing up in nice clothes because the effort seems useless being that I know where I am going to be back at 7pm. Plus then if I style my hair I get made fun of and it really hurts my feelings. Everyone is male but me. I had to toss a towel quickly on something and missed and was told I throw like a girl and they think they know why. All the other women dress in super fancy clothes, hair, shoes and all of that- and I am mucking out the barn sweating and apparently stinking. I need this job because I am trained in a field that here in North America has limited job potential. I want to work with these animals. But the people around just add nails in my coffin of why I am less and feel subhuman. At our Christmas party even though I was dressed nice and not smelling like my job... I had a severe anxiety attack. I sought refuge where else by hiding in the barn sitting on a duck's bed and shaking and feeling uncontrollably horrible emotions. I felt there was no way I could sit at a table with those people. I even got a compliment on my clothes - someone said I look human in a dress. I am paid to be there so everyone knows what I do. It is like somehow people forget that. With my anxiety I find it so hard to relax between my split shifts. I can come home and shower- but just knowing I have to return contributes to my depression. My boyfriend and the rest of the world say if it is so bad- quit then. So I have no right to complain. But I really do love the animals and know I do special things to make their life nicer such as bring them treats. Before me they never had a lot of the 'perks' they have now. So me quitting would take me away from some of the best friends I have even though they are animals. I just am so beaten down and I never did learn to apply make-up or wear heels or use hair extensions like most of the females at work use. I have my boyfriend's Dad's funeral this Saturday and my boyfriend is picking me up at the salon so I know I will look good. I weigh around 95 to 100 pounds and am quite physically fit. Even though I am under weight. I hate myself for knowing first hand what goes on in the third world - and still being hurt by society putting me less because I work in a barn with mucking boots and a ponytail- not an office with fancy unpractical shoes and fake hair pinned to my head. They represent my mother to me. Entitled feeling people who look down on other people for the shoes they wear and cars they drive- I would throw 'dress size' in there but thanks to my eating disorder I actually had this snobs say once they wish they could be as slim as me. My answer is no you don't you are perfect the way you are... I can say those words to someone I don't like or respect and even kinda mean it. I was being sarcastic about thanking my eating disorder by the way! Thank-you Caroline for your kind words. I will answer the other responses after work. Thank-you to everyone for answering my post.

  • Hi just feel I want to give you a big hug!! Remember you are you! A great person!!

  • Thank-you Ruth for your kindness.

  • It's Eau de Duck Sh*t you twerk ! ☺️

  • 😅 you're right!😄 lol

  • Hi

    Im so sorry Aspen I don't have much time and we are even in different time Zones you and I, I didn't realise you are in the US and Im in London in the UK.

    Okay here's what I think, when you're snowed under and overwhelmed as you are, working long hours you can't see the wood for the trees.

    Now here's the rub you need help, you need to be able to see you have options. If you knew me you would know that's been a hard lesson I had to learn.

    I believe we help each other through our experiences and this is what I have learnt, things rarely change over night, so no need to panic you have plently of time to make changes. I'm aware now about your health issues and situation so thank you for sharing. In the beginning its the little changes that change our lives in a big way later.

    I know depression and anorexia can impact on your self esteem ability cope, make you anxious and stop you from doing stuff. However you are to the core of your being obviously a dooer, you like doing stuff, I stay in my head too much sometimes.

    I really think this is crucial to your recovery, is there ANY way on this earth you could do a short, part time course in the area of animals ( I know you've already done alot) but really any area where you could just learn a little bit more. What this will do is remind you of your skills, engage your brain (which is a BIG deal) and help you build could ultimately be your root out of all this.

    You do have career options, maybe not right now but if you can build on your skill set you have room to move a little and thats all you need.

    Start looking up places you'd like to work, things you'd like to do on the internet. TELL NO ONE, just day dream, find out what you really want, then find the least way to get in, a short course, a charity that may sponsor you for a little training, learn in the library. Go to county fairs ask local farmers about their farms, how they run them etc, have no agenda except to talk to learn new things anything. If you come away from a conversation having learnt one tiny thing it will help trust me.

    As to the men you work with one thing did cross my mind, remember when you were little and how little boys used to punch little girls they liked. Perverse I know but it wouldnt surprise me if some of these men fancied you and didnt want you to know so they are unpleasant to you.

    Anyway never mind them, lets you and i settle on a plan, look to the future, let nothing and no one stop you, what do you have to lose nothing. On your bad days, do nothing say to the Gods I give up, grit your teeth and work through. But on your good days, do ANY thing even if its just write down your ideas of what you want, what it looks like, smells like, tastes like everything. Then try every day or every week to do one thing towards that goal, read an article, talk a fellow female farmer online...anonymously? go to college, just do something out of the ordinary each week.

    Finally when you look at those sad, sad men you work with think to yourself, say what you like ....I am out of here. I am going to somewhere much better and then move towards your goal.

    Read about people who have turned their lives around, resolve for weeks only to watch inspiring films, listen to TED talks online. You my love can do this, you have greatness inside you and you said it yourself, you have running water, light and food, now all you need is a little focus and to know you are 1,0000 times better than this.

    When you feel good on those days revel in how happy you will be when you are out of all this, milk it in your mind for all your are worth.

    Go to a group tackle your anorexia and as you push to improve your life, the gods or whomever you believe in will strive to help you. You don't have to believe me, but I speak from experience, I have HUGE faith in you and I think the VERY first step is to say ...this is NOT good enough for me.

    Just do it, not for me, or them but for you because when you are your very best you shine and when you shine everyone shines and we all love you. You are best of everyone here, don't forget that.

    Good Luck and keep talking, decide to ignore negative comments from anyone for the next few weeks and know you have a plan. Oh and watch 'Papillon' with Steve McQueen odd film but true story. You aren't in Jail angel and you can break out :-)

    BIG BIG KISS and a HUGE WELL DONE for speaking out.

    Keep talking here, people will help you they are all great, kind, intelligent and resourceful. XX

  • Goodness Caroline thank-you for your strong encouraging words. I will re read you replies a few more times to really let your words soak in. I do have a lot of blessings in my life I never had before. My life is so much better. For example I had extreme anxiety around food to a point I could not eat in public. Now that is a phobia that is completely behind me for almost 20 years. I used to struggle to maintain my weight to be 83 pounds and was as low as 79 pounds. And now my brain is okay being 95 pounds. Well I am 98 pounds right now and not as freaked out as I normally would. What a lovely supportive group of people on this site! Your kindness and advice do give me strength. Thank-you.

  • Hi Aspen nice to meet you. I can't really add to what the others have said but I will say firstly anyone who looks down on you because of lack of material goods isn't worth knowing anyway and what makes them so perfect? They probably envy you your individuality anyway.

    Secondly, few women wear hair extensions except pop stars or those with very thin hair. Many don't wear heels but if you want to, buy yourself a cheap pair and practise walking in them at home. Again it's your choice whether or not to wear make up isn't it? If you want to, find a sympathetic female friend to show you how to apply it or google it. You can be whoever you want to be and no one is better than you. The best way in life is to be yourself and be true to yourself as this is what attracts people to you. Cultervating an easy manner with people and a good sense of humour is much more important than looking a certain way or wearing certain clothes.

    Don't forget you are unique as we all are and are entitled to live your life the way you choose. If you are the best you you can be then that is enough. We are all individuals and one size doesn't fit all you know.

    I didn't wear make up years ago and one day a few fellow female workers asked me why I didn't. I asked them why they did! So turn questions round on them and watch them squirm :)

    Bev xx

  • Thank- you Bev. I appeciate your advice. Where I work there is a video production company in the same building. And all the women do wear hair extensions even though they don't need to. They all wear fake eyelashes and bright lipstick. And even shoes that are so high and impractical they sometimes stumble. I honestly don't want to look like that. Sometimes women like that appear clownish when they go too far. One was clopping around in knee high boots with buckles and chains jingling off them as she walked. When I see high maintenance people like that I think of the time they invested to get all that get-up in place. And how they give themselves limitations wearing their fake nails and can't even help carrying a box of copy paper because they are wobbling on their feet. Not a good example but it reminds me of my mother making me unload the car in the pouring rain as a child so she wouldn't break a nail. I am thankful I do not have the same personality. But I definately have a lot of flaws myself too!

  • Hi Please arrange to see a councillor but in the meantime try and stop these thoughts & feelings in their tracks by saying to yourself what a great person you are. You may need to do it a lot of times & not really believe it at first. Keep at it tho and eventually you will start to believe it. It is good psychology to love yourself!! Trust me I know it is not easy as I have been there. All the best. X

  • Thank-you Ruth for your reply. It means so much to me you would take the time to answer my post.

  • Hi Aspen, I've learnt from counselling that only when you value yourself can you bring value to other people. It's hard because we are our own worst critics. I'm finding retail therapy is helping me 😄, my counsellor said that's good as long as I'm wearing or using the stuff I buy and not just buying stuff to hoard away. CBT is also helping me retrain my thought process and think in a more positive way. You need to find what helps you and it sounds like you have a very supportive boyfriend which is a massive bonus! We're always here for you too! Xx

  • Thank-you Smartie- I really appeciate all the support. I am I guess the term - people pleaser- and I will sacrifice myself a lot just to convience someone else a little. I improved a whole lot since my current relationship. Him aside the other people in my life use me like Cinderella it feels. My value to them is one sided. Ask me a favour I do it straight away even breaking my own plans- I ask someone else favour it just doesn't seem to ever happen. I try or tried to live like treat other people as you would like to be treated yourself. In all my brilliance - sarcasm there- I decided to go off my medications in early Februaru. And went back on them about 2 weeks ago. During that time management at work - who knows nothing of my mental health problems said they noticed a difference in the way I was behaving and they wanted to know what was up. The truth was I stopped being a people pleaser and blindly smiling at being treated rudely. I just didn't have it in me to pretend. Now that I am back on my medications I feel so much better. I accept life much easier. I found a new doctor that seems really good. I do have so many blessings to count compared to bad stuff in my current life. That is why I am so mad at myself - I feel I have no right to be so sad when I never had things so good. Also I tried to launch a charity funrasier and the items made to sell didn't work out after I wasted a lot of time and money. That was a huge trigger for my latest major depression and even quitting my medications. Bad decisions can lead to bad decisions. I just felt so stupid for messing everything up. Still do and feel very much a failure for it. But atleast I am back on my medications and seeing a doctor. I appeciate everyone's kindness and support. Thank-you.

  • When you hid in the barn, were there pigs, cows, sheep and chickens inside? Lol. I'm just joking with you! I'm similar to you—eating makes me happy. Food is every bit as powerful as drugs when it comes to lighting up pleasure centers in the brain.

  • 😋 That is funny Stressbuster. Since eating also makes you happy- were you inquiring about the animals in the barn for possible choices on the menu?😋 I wish I could eat eggs but I am so allergic. I was a vegetarian but now for my health and not to be hard to please I will eat more than just rabbit food. Raw peppers are one of my favourite foods. For the life of me I can not bring myself to drink wine- or any alcoholic beverage - the taste is so awful to me that I can't even pretend. I feel so weird sometimes. I don't drink coffee or tea either.

  • Hi Aspen,

    Nothing weird there-I personally think wine tastes like vinegar and don't like tea or coffee either ! Hot chocolate made with cocoa powder or juice for me : ) Or milkshake,especially the thick ones that make you almost pass out before you have sucked them up the straw ! ! We all have different tastes.

    Interesting that you feel a so called 'menial' job is automatically looked down upon by others.I am a cleaner and I enjoy it too ! I am a conscientious worker ( I bet you are too ) and take satisfaction in maintaining a high standard for the office staff.In return,they express their gratitude by praise for the job I do .A smile,a polite hello or brief conversation and presents/money at Christmas.Lovely people in the main.We are equally important in our roles.Working with your animals sounds peaceful and rewarding - I would enjoy this kind of work.I would not be bothered by others ridiculous comments either-a simple 'Do you have a problem with what I do, because I don't' would soon disarm them.How sad are they , that they have to amuse themselves at your expense.Very unimaginative.

    I have to dress practically for work.I dress up for a night out-no make up or heels as I can't cope with walking issues or smeary face stuff but my partner always compliments me and most importantly, I feel good : )

    I used to be a people pleaser too-to the point of leaving nothing for myself-this changed drastically after a major illness 2 years ago.Not to say that I won't help someone in need but I draw a firm line now between genuine need and abuse of my kindness.

    As to flaws,well we wouldn't be human without them ,would we ? My personal vice is smoking !

    Kind regards, Angela x

  • Thank-you Angela. I think being a cleaner is a respectable job too. I enjoy cleaning most of the time in the sense of it is rewarding and it can be relaxing. But I have had rude customers and at times co-workers say stupid things. It is like I never felt about it until other people were mean to me. But you are so right- they are sad and unimaginative to pick on anyone just doing the job their are being employed to do!

    I love hearing what you wear on your nights out! I think the best guys recognize nature,beauty inside and out. I was at my boyfriend's Dad's funeral last week. He was very elderly and in a coma and died last month. So it was very sad but not as somber as it would of been had he not been serious I'll for so long. I am saying this to defend the trivial comments made to me there. There was two women my age that were with their partners that were my boyfriend's friends. They both had on atleast 3 inch heels. The needed to walk even awkwardly they were so high! And one of my boyfriend's friends made a comment how I didn't have heels on. I just bought new shoes but they didn't have a heel. Maybe he was trying to make conversation but it was an odd thing to say to someone greeting you at the back of the church for a funeral. Then later on one of the high heel wearing women had to take her shoes off with everyone else at my boyfriend's mom's house. And she said to me- that she was so short now! And I am looking at her the same height as her. She went from 5'9" to 5'5" in one second try taking off her shoes! No one wonder she felt short. I like her as a person but it was kind of a funny moment her dropping inches from her shoes and the complaining she was so short when she ended up the same height as me.

    The make-up issue is one we share. I have never worn foundation in my life. i don't even know how to wear it. Fake eyelashes are all the craze here. And the women I know do wear the extensions too. But like you said - compliments from our partners is what makes us feel good.

    I am very sorry about your major illness. It is good you learned how to say no when you needed to when others asked too much. I need to work on that. People learn to expect you will always say yes- and they just assume that is the answer. I really find people forget I am a person too. Thank-you for your reply.💐

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