I'm new to this so I'll try not to ramble and get straight to the point.
I've just had a new baby boy 18 days ago. He is just perfect. I love him and my wife so much that I literally can't even try to put it into words.
The 2 weeks of paternity leave went great. Then came to return to work.
I work in a hugely stressful job. Sometimes 14 hour shifts 5 days a week with no breaks.
I can't do it. Leaving my son is the hardest thing to do ever. I knew it woukd be. But this is something else. I cry. I spend all day at work holding back tears. Over 4 days last week I spent only a few hours awake with him.
We are hugely understaffed meaning I really can't change/shorten shifts. My boss isn't easy to talk to about these things. At all. I'm also started to find the job very difficult. I'm making mistakes. In truth I hate it.
But I need a job. I need the money.
I have had depression/anxiety before but this is so much worse. There's no letting up.
Anyone relate to this? Any advice would be so great. Thank you all. X
Jimmy
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DaddyJimmy
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Also, I have a day off today which I have spent mostly crying. This is the only time I get to see my son and it's ruined by this. It still doesn't disappear. All I'm thinking about is work tomorrow.
I wrote you a really long reply about an hour ago but when I have come to see whether you may have read it I found it was not here, must have deleted by mistake, my excuse is that I have just had a molar removed because of an abscess and I am still on heavy painkillers. Anyway, back to the issue of your tearfulness.
Becoming a new parent is such a very emotional time, it raises feelings from our own childhood and also feelings about ourselves, about how it feels to be vulnerable to need love and care, feelings about separations, so many different feelings, so it is not surprising that you are feeling a lot of the time. The issue is why you are feeling you are missing out on being with your son. It sounds as if you may not yet have adjusted to the fact that he will isn't going away and will be there for a lifetime, so there is plenty of time to get to know him, to enjoy and love him and your wife. I wonder whether you perhaps feel a little envy that your wife is able to be with him and doing something you may feel you would like to be doing, caring for another dependant being, loving and feeling satisfied. Those feelings are natural to most fathers but will raise feelings also about whether your life has meaning apart from your wife and son.
It is important to hold in mind just how much and how quickly things will change but how important your role is right now in being the one who continues to provide stability and income so that your wife can get on with the role of mothering.
Right now your baby is adjusting to the world, his body is having to find its own way of being in the world that is new to him, he is feeling hunger, tiredness, noise, another person handling him, feeding him, dressing him, sleeping outside the womb, touch, sensation. The last thing he actually needs is to be with someone who thinks he is wonderful and wants to spend time with him. For the first 4-6 weeks what he really needs is sleep, food and peace and quiet while his body is adjusting, so in terms of his needs you are missing very little. Of course you long to see him and imagine you are missing out on every little discovery and change, but the reality is that he does not need you there right now in order to do well, he needs sensitive handling from as few people as possible and time to get to know his mother - at this stage he is not even relating to a person, but to feelings of pleasure and displeasure, bodily comfort and discomfort, there is time enough for him to learn to relate and be known. If you are able to hold onto that thought and put your son first right now then you will be doing the best possible job as his father.
In a few months when he is used to his routine and beginning to feel confident that his needs will be met, he will begin to get to know his mother - and even that takes up to 6 months! It may help you now to read a simple book on child development as it will help you to understand that right now you are doing the best job a father can do, being out of the way lots of the time but loving and caring and missing mother and child. As your son grows then he will start to enjoy having contact with you and it is at that point that you might begin to spend more time with him and question whether your work allows you to do that. Obviously it is never easy to find work and it may be that the job you have is the most likely way you are able to provide financial security for your family, but it is important that you realise that the weekends will become far more active as your son grows and your role and relationship with him will become much more important, as a son it may be that your wife will come to envy you for being the one your son longs to be with even though she has done more of the work with him. Allow time for things to develop, children are there for life.
If you find you continue to feel tearful we will all support you as best we can as we all know how difficult it can be to adjust through the different stages of life.
Thank you for your response. I will do my best to take it all in and apply new actions. Starting with my job, I think. No matter how young, spending even tiny amounts of time with a crying dad is not good...
I'm also worried these feelings will put strain on mine and my wifes relationship.
Yes, exactly, that was my thinking Jimmy. I know I was sounding quite harsh, but reality is always best to understand. Your baby will be fine so long as you can support your wife and love the way she is looking after your baby son. When he is no longer a baby you will find you too are looking after him and enjoying him.
Also, not to dismiss anything you hae said, but I've heard babies can hear and recognise their father's voice even in the womb. I just think being around is better for everybody rather than not.
Yes, they can hear everything and know when something is familiar, but they don't actually understand that the voice is of a person, it is just sound to them. Research shows that babies don't understand that the voice and all the other behaviours are those of a person - like them - until they are over 6 months! Surprising isn't it. And of course it would be good to be around - what I am saying is that your baby does not need you to be there yet although you are providing an important role in being a support for his mother. I was suggesting you might think of your baby's needs and that knowing he is not missing out by your not being there might help you to cope with one aspect of it, though of course you will still wish you were there, that's only natural for many fathers. x
[I]The last thing he actually needs is to be with someone who thinks he is wonderful and wants to spend time with him. [/I]
I disagree with you on that.
I would instead suggest that bsbies are sensitive tanother"s feelings and for Dad to try and just enjoy the momrnts he has with the baby. These early days are when bonds are formed and precious memories created but, babies are content and perfectly okay as long as (as you say Sue) their needs are met.
Daddyjimmy, you have had a major change in your life albeit a lovely happy one. Thid can cause us to reevaluate our lives and make us more aware of our responsibilities and dissatisfaction with our situation iie work.
It's also important to remember that you are still learning how to be a Dad and naturally experiencing high emotions. Youu'spent a few weeks off with Mum and baby, but reluctantly had to return to reality.
Have you ever been on a great holiday and hated having to come back home and longing for the next one? Well some of this is a little like how you are feeling now. It feels like a losd of recent good feelings. But, unlike a holiday, this new life is continuing .
Like baby, you will settle into a routine and you will feel happy and content again.
At the moment work is somewhere and somrthing that is a necessary means to an end, but feels like it is depriving you of family time. No wonder you hate it. Once you"ve settled into the routine, thiis new beginning, you will start to relax.
With it being your very first that can I suppose can be understood
BOB
All I can advise is talk to your GP, I do not have any children although I have heard about something like this when people have a new member to their family.
When people have a birth, their emotions can be all over the place.
Hi Jimmy, I really hope you consider making some appts (probably via your dr) with a therapist to talk things out... As Rose suggested, there is a possibility that there is a lot more involved that you have experienced in the past, than simply not being able to be with your son 24/7.... Your simply not liking your job and resent having to go to this job could be part of it.
I am sure your baby boy will be just fine! You, also, deserve some caring attention and advice from a professional who could hopefully alleviate some of the fears you are harboring. Please, do consider this, for all 3 of your sake's... Best wishes to you always.
Gosh some harsh comments sounds like this dad is depressed and so over whelmed with the arrival of his new baby .This might have triggred it of .Anyway enjoy your new son no greater gift in life ive had 6 children and i hope u get something sorted too hugs Paula xx
Your welcome i had a breakdown over the loss of my daughter to cancer and if anyone had said to me get over it or move on well ill let u work that out hugs Paula xxx
Hi I had depression when I had my first daughter and it was the other way with me where I couldn't bound and to be fair I didn't want to (which is awful I know) my husband done all the nappy changing ect. Then my hubby had to go back to work and I didn't want to be left with the baby. I feel ashamed even now what happened and she is now 8 years old. But please get help about your feelings it's always good to talk to someone
When we have our first baby whether as mum or dad it will trigger feelings from our own experiences of being a very young and dependant baby, feelings that were previously not remembered emotionally and may not be understood even once we re-experience them with parenthood. That is one of the reasons why adjusting to being a parent is so hard. Anyone can read how to do the functional things like changing a nappy, feeding a baby, etc but it is impossible for anyone to be fully prepared for the waves of feelings that surface as they are so specific to the individual and while one parent might be delighted to be left alone with their baby another may dread the responsibility, or feeling distressed whenever the baby cries. Babies make us all feel helpless because they are helpless, knowing that makes us want so much to do the right thing for them and make them feel better but so often we can't. How we are able to handle those feelings depends upon how our own helplessness was handled when we were infants and whenever it has occurred in our later lives. A new parent's distress at not being able to be with their baby is likely to come from feelings of a baby and mother being separated in their own early life, the crying is sadness and grief even though the cause of those feelings in the past is not consciously remembered. Talking with a counsellor will help you to understand what is causing your distress, what your fears and anxieties are, what it is that you feel you are missing out on or losing.
You must go see your doctor. Do it right away and don't delay because it will not just go away on its own. Your wife has had trauma with nine months amazing baby growing inside and then the trauma of delivery and her body will take two years to feel normal as hormone changes cause great changes tilt she has to put up with as well as the care of baby. I was a child care trainer for many years and I'd like you to know that lots of people don't realise that its not the quantity of time you spend with your child but it's the quality of the time that's important. Just remember that your baby will recognise the routine you set and look forward to seeing you come through the door. Perhaps your wife will appreciate you taking over and doing the bath routine and first night disturbance when baby needs fed. This will give you total time together and mum can enjoy the break. Remember too that there was the two of you before baby arrived and that should away be priority because when mum and dad are good together baby fits in with more ease. Wee treats for your wife will give you loads of brownie points. Remember to see the doctor to get support...you can do this..just enjoy the time you do have together instead of feeling you won't be loved as much because of work commitments. Keep us informed.
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