I wish I were going crazy instead

[Ethereallove]

Hi, I'm reaching out because I've been struggling with something that’s been affecting my mental health for years now. I don't even know where this post properly belonga but I'm screaming in silence, praying someone will hear me before it's too late.This many sound really off the wall and some individuals will tell me this is all in my head, believe me, that would be the easy way out but unfortunately this is my reality. So here goes...

Whenever I'm in public—or even at work, at home, or around anyone—people around me constantly sniff or rub their noses, only around me(I observe them with others) I try to sit away from people, keep clean, and even smell-check myself multiple times a day, but no matter what I do, this keeps happening. It makes me feel embarrassed, paranoid, and honestly, hopeless. I can’t even move freely without someone reacting like I smell bad, even though my clothes are clean and I take care of myself. It’s been 7 years, and it still follows me everywhere—even in places where I should feel safe, like the psych ward I was admitted to after an attempt of taking my life.

Working in hotels, gas stations or anywhere where people are is the worst. Each and every human I'd come in contact with has the same reactions to me and I come across hundreds of people a day. Each person's reaction rips a new hole in my heart where I bury my sorrow and pain and hide in. I feel so isolated. How is this even real? I used to be such a social butterfly who couldn't get enough of people, now, I envy people who can exist without constantly worrying how others react to them. It's impossible to enjoy my life when this follows me wherever I go, even at home. Weed helps numb it for a while, but it’s not a real solution, and the pain always comes back.

It's so bad that I immediately move when someone's near because I just know they'll rub their nose or sniff. I'm so sick of other people seeing this happen to me, especially on the bus DAILY, the more embarrassing thing is when people sit near or around me, rub their nose, sniff then move to another area away from me. I count how many people will do it each day and it's no more than 3 usually.

I will never forget the face of my manager at a doggy daycare I used to work at when he noticed this himself.

It was him, and 2 other really sassy ladies at the front desk, I walked up and leaned closer, both of them started to obnoxiously sniff LOUD. I glanced at him since he was the furthest away, hoping he couldn't read my emotions, the saddest look filled his expression. I wanted to break down then and there but I had to take care of the little dogs room. So I saved my tears until after watching the dogs.

I feel so broken and have completely lost hope, this feels like a living twilight zone and I want out. I’m not looking for judgment—I’m just hoping there are people out there who’ve gone through something similar. I don’t know if this is sensory-related, mental health, or something else entirely. But I just want to feel seen and understood, and maybe find others who get what I’m talking about. Please, if anyone out there has experienced anything like this or found ways to cope, I’d really appreciate hearing from you, you might save my life.

[bluesky85]

dear@Ethereallove:I understand what you been though and I knew it very tough when people are react that way toward you,especially in America and across western countries, people they don’t do that kind of stuff in front of others, it consider rudeness right? and the reaction of your manager was too unfair.

[janetginty1960]

First thing you should do is go to your doctor and ask him he will be honest and you may have something medical that is causing this xx

[bluesky85]

I think the best way to cope it is walk away, and pretend you don’t hear those judge mental people.