IN NEED OF A FRIEND

[lancaster]

I have already written one post, and thank you everyone for your replies. But I need some advice. I have written this letter to my wife, but I don't know whether or not to send it to her as she is still not talking to me: Here is my letter, and I would ask that you be gentle with your responses as I am really at rock bottom.

Dear Jackie

I hope this letter finds you all well. I am doing really good and been getting help from a counsellor who specialises in teaching men to understand their wives. I am horrified to realise the depth of the pain I have caused you throughout our marriage. I realise that you gave it your all and hung in there for a very long time. Your decision to call it a day wasn't a casual one- you were desperate to emotionally survive. Now that I see how devastated you are, I cant believe what I did to you and how I made you feel. How I wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into me.

As much as I want us together, my goal with this letter is not to change your mind about anything. My hopes are just to say some things that will help your heart to heal. I know I have you very deeply and you deserve a lot of understanding right now.

When you agreed to marry me, it was because you believed I would make you feel loved and cherished for the rest of your life. You were sure your heart would be safe with me, so you gave it to me, but after we got married, I left you feeling neglected and insignificant. I did whatever I wanted and gave little thought to what you wanted. Everyday, you'd be their to take care of the kids, make meals etc, and I would let you do it all by yourself while I done my own thing. How awful that must have been for you- the very man you entrusted your life to, was the biggest threat to your self-worth and security. You married me because I made you feel valuable, yet my self-centeredness left you feeling worthless. I AM SO SORRY:

You are an amazing woman Jackie, who deserves to be cherished, but I made you feel so unimportant. Now that I see you for who you are, I can only regret all my missed opportunities to treat you like a treasure. It is no surprise that you want to keep your heart from someone who has shown himself to be so unsafe.

As I look back over our marriage, I realise now that all those times you tried to share your heart with me, I would respond like you were attacking me. I was scared love, I was so desperate to tell you the truth, but I couldn't. I knew it would destroy you and us as a family. I am not making excuse's, I was really scared. I was afraid for our future as a family.

You took a risk and bared yourself to me over and over again. Please don't feel rejected love, I honestly never meant to hurt anybody. Please know this- No matter what happens between us in the future, I will always love you and the kids, and I will never play with your heart again, I PROMISE.

If I were a friend of yours listening to your story about your painful marriage, I would want to wrap you up in my arms and offer you the comfort you deserve. I would want to shake your husband and yell at him to wake up and stop treating you the way he has.

Well love, my eyes have been opened by my counsellors shaking. I know I haven't been safe in the past, but I want you to know that I am safe now. Please know that if you ever need someone to listen to your heart and share your pain, then I am here.

Before I go love, my counsellor has been fantastic. She has made me see life from where you are standing. The whole of our marriage has not been a lie love. Its only been a lie where the inheritance has been concerned. I know my lies have done a lot of damage, but it wasn't intentional. I was living in a dream world, and I am so sorry. I will make it up to you all, and pay back every penny, regardless of what happens between us. The pain of us separating has been really hard, the hurt and pain I have caused everyone is unforgivable, but I will make everything good, I promise.

Say hello to the kids for me, hope you all have a wonderful Christmas

Love you always and forever

Dave xxx

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ This letter is from my heart to my wife, but I am in a tiswas as to whether I should send it to her. I've lost absolutely everything, but I don't want to pee her off anymore than she already is by sending it.

Thanks in advance for reading it everyone, it was my heart that wrote it xx

[Hidden]

Hello Lancaster

No-one can advise you on the writing of this letter as it is part of you and some bad memories. Yes send the letter and see what happens, discuss all with your CPN as She will know the actual feelings you are feeling and the sadness that permeates from your being.

Generally I do not know your Wife, although I would hope that She will give you that chance that you strive to have, remember your children and understand if She does return you will need to be honest and loving and never hurt or lie to her again.

Good luck, I wish you all well, let the CPN see this letter, there may be something She can do to help you all restore your lives together

BOB

[lancaster in reply to Hidden]

thank you bob. words of wisdom.

I just wish she would talk to me.

[Hidden in reply to lancaster]

Lancaster I suppose she may still be healing give time and understand

BOB

[Mandy6513]

You dont say what response your hoping for but i agree with the previous reply i would show this letter to your counsellor and talk it through with her before deciding to send it or not send it as it

[lancaster in reply to Mandy6513]

Not sure what sort of reply im expecting. I was looking for some advice on whether to send it as she is refusing all other forms of contact. My counsellor says that I need to let the wife know that i understand how I hurt her and the best way to do it is in writing.

[Mandy6513 in reply to lancaster]

Hi

Ive just read your other post and you have talked about how you have sent her letters in the past that she hasnt responded to....did you not have the chance then to put down the things you have written in this one.

[lancaster in reply to Mandy6513]

The other letters were grovelling letters to be honest. It was hard separating after 17 years. All I was doing was apologising all the time. My counsellor has made me see it from the wife's point of view. I must say at this point Mandy, my wife has had 2 affairs whilst we've been married, and I forgave her, never ignored her or anything. I know its no excuse, but if I can forgive and forget, why not the wife? As you notice in my letter to her, I have not mentioned anything she has done, I've blamed myself for every thing. Its frustrating taking the full brunt of everything when the wound is much deeper.

[Mandy6513 in reply to lancaster]

To be honest with you the only thing i can think of is your children....what ever has happened between you and your wife they are innocent in all of this and their world has changed massively

You say in your other post that a letter you sent to her was thrown in the bin unopened so im assuming someone is giving you information about what is happening with your wife and its very possible she will throw that one in the bin without opening it...

There are no pains worse than the pains of the heart and im so sorry your hurting regardless of the reasons ....

She could just be making you suffer for a while before she decides to reconcile because she knows your there waiting to make things better

Or the fact she has had 2 affairs means she wasnt happy and you could have given her the perfect way out

I think mediation is needed here so you can tell her to her face that you understand what you have done and so you can see the children.

[lancaster in reply to Mandy6513]

thanks mandy. She wont do the mediation bit. she don't believe in it. May be she is scared? As for the contact bit, my eldest son from a previous relationship visits the little ones regular for me. the wife wont even discuss me seeing the kids. Its just like ive died and shes forgotten all about me.

[Mandy6513 in reply to lancaster]

Your married and have a right to see the children but whats more important they have a right to see you and i know you just want to make things right with your wife but think that over ..

What you have tried hasnt been working so perhaps just dont contact her for a while and let her see how it would be if you wernt around because although your not at home your in contact and she knows your there ready to go home if she said yes ...its only been 9 weeks and im sure its felt like a life time but its not that long just take a breather from it all.....

[lancaster in reply to Mandy6513]

Yeah I know your right mandy. thanks hun

Have a good crimbo x

[Mandy6513 in reply to lancaster]

o dont even start me on that !!!!

Take care

[lancaster in reply to Mandy6513]

ooh, problems hun?

[Mandy6513 in reply to lancaster]

No just the children are all grown up now and its not the same now santa isnt real

[lancaster in reply to Mandy6513]

That's why its hard for me this year as I always dressed up as santa. My youngest is only 10 :-{

[Mandy6513 in reply to lancaster]

Thats why you need to see them, for all of your sake..

You will be fine its just the worst time of year to be going through any kind of heartache x

[lancaster in reply to Mandy6513]

Its not gonna happen this year. Maybe she will have chilled out for next crimbo. fingers crossed.

Thanks for everything mandy xx

[Mandy6513 in reply to lancaster]

What's meant for you wont pass you by. God bless x

[Ronnie12]

I would send the letter. I , a stranger can tell it's a true heartfelt letter. I feel touched that you have shared that on here and that you feel the need for confirmation that you are an honest genuine man who made a mistake. I wouldn't however expect a reply or indeed an acknowledgement of your mail. I feel your wife may need some time to digest your words and absorb your apology. You should start forgiving yourself too and gain some emotional strength for if she does get in touch. You will need to be a confident man once more to show her you have the strength to go forward and carry you both through the next chapter of your life. Whether that is together as a couple or as friends being their as a team for the kids, I cannot tell you which but you should be feel assured you have bared yourself to your wife and only she can know if she can learn to forgive and be your wife again. I truly hope she can - you are a decent lovely man. Merry Christmas an I sincerely hope 2016 is a new beginning for you both.

[lancaster in reply to Ronnie12]

Thank you Ronnie. That is the reason I put the letter on here so that people like you would give me the bottle too send it. I mean every single word in it but I am scared that my wife will think its a ploy. Its not a ploy at all believe me. As much I would love to save our marriage, deep down I don't think she will relent. She is a very hard woman, but at the same time a very loving and caring woman. My confidence has been shattered with the no contact. I know its only been 10 weeks now, but when you have been together for 17 years, its hard. Its also very hard to forgive myself when the people I have hurt cant forgive me . Its like they are punishing me the only way they know how. If you know what I mean. My family know that I am a sensitive bloke, and my wife knows that she is punishing me by refusing to get in touch. I know she hurting, but so am I. I'm not proud of what I've done, I was weak and caught in a rut. I cant apologise anymore.

thanks again Ronnie

Have a good crimbo xx

[Hidden]

Hi there. I would send it and if she doesn't respond then you have tried. You have made a mistake and you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life paying for it. I hope that she reads it and forgives you but, if she doesn't you may have to move on. You sound like a decent and kind man who is sorry for what he has done.

Also can I just say you have every right to see your children and if she doesn't forgive you you have to address that as a separate issue. Good luck. Xx

[lancaster in reply to Hidden]

Thanks poppy, I like to believe I am a decent bloke, its just a shame my wife doesn't think so any more. The kids are the important thing now and my solicitor will be dealing with this for me after Christmas. xx

[Hidden in reply to lancaster]

Good. She cannot stop you from seeing your children. X

[Ronnie12]

I hope u managed to see your kids over Christmas. It's not an easy time to be apart from them. I don't see 2 of my sons and it is worse over this time of year. Wishing u well.

[lancaster in reply to Ronnie12]

Hi Ronnie,

I didn't get to see the kids at all over Christmas. I had no contact and the wife didn't even get me a card from them. It was probably the hardest day of my entire life. My eldest son pop round to see them, and I wasn't mentioned at all. That really hurt me when my son told me that. It was my fault really because I asked him if anyone mentioned me. Maybe I am dead to them!! Some times I wish I was !!

[Ronnie12 in reply to lancaster]

I am sure they still love you - I was estranged from my oldest son for about 2 years while my ex slowly poisoned him against me. When our court case was over he realised my ex had used him

He himself had matured and gained the emotional strength to contact me again and we rebuilt our relationship. It is stronger than ever now. Don't despair of your relationship being broken forever - you are their dad and they know what happened was not to damage or hurt them in any way. They are siding with the parent who hurts the most - in their eyes their mam - that won't last forever trust me.

[lancaster]

Thanks Ronnie. Lets hope so xx

[Just_John]

Well for starters you could try and not plagiarize a website designed to help people write letters of reconciliation and who were smart enough to giving examples in jpg format. Presumably this was done so that a google search by any suspecting and untrusting ex partner couldn't discover the fact their letter was copied from a website. Now thanks to you anybody who does use the basic letter will run the risk of their recipient discovering that they may have copied and/or totally plagiarized somebody else somebody else's text and tried to pass off as their own. What I suggest is go over the context and if you are indeed able to relate to the areas copied out and it does feel what you would like to say then do so, but be careful because some parts may not reflect exactly your situation and it may be apparent to your ex. In this case try writing it out in your own words and descriptions of events that you are sorry for. By all means use their examples but for the sake of anybody else that may use their wen page DELETE the text in this post and use a screen capture of your text. I found your post by googling the first part of the basic letter from Ultimatehusband, so might your ex and that might spell the end if she thinks you think so little of her to use somebody else's words no matter how well they might reflect your sentiment and feelings.