Distressing thoughts

Lately I've been having suicidal thoughts..I've had them on and off for years but they usually go away pretty quickly..I attempted suicide 4 years ago but couldn't go through with it.I have severe anxiety and depression. I'm also in recovery for addiction. I feel like I've screwed my entire life and can't take anymore. No more loneliness. .fear. .shame. .I guess I'm having an existential crisis where I don't feel I have any reason or purpose. I know intellectually this too shall pass and all that..plus the devastation to my family if I topped myself. .but it seems the thoughts are intensifying and I'm scared I might just think oh well I'll just be off then and Act on impulse.I've told my gp..I'm waiting for some cbt..I'm on mirtazipine. what else can I do? I volunteer and spend time with friends. Any info or help would be really appreciated.

37 Replies

  • Sorry I can't give you any advice but the thing you have said is just the way I have been feeling lately. Five years ago I attempted suicide but I'm still here. Like you they come and go all the time and it's really hard not to act on them when the thought gets intended I have felt so close again tonight but I came on here to see what's going on. Maybe between the to of us we could try to be strong. I hope I haven't upset you. Please take care x

  • No not at all..thankyou I'm sorry you are feeling this way too but you have helped me feel less alone..I guess it's about holding on until it passes.Have you got anyone to support you ?

  • Im glad I helped, it's a really hard to hold on so we shall try to be stong.My husband does his best but I keep a lot about my thoughts to myself.

  • Hey buddy just keep going, I am here today to read your one and say just hold yourself together and your are far far stronger than what you may know, hope it helped, even a bit

  • Cleaner, hope your day is going well.

  • Not to bad today thankyou. Just about keeping my self together.

  • It is..at least you have your husband but it must be hard keeping it all inside..I can't tell my family as they would just panic and it wouldnt help really. I looked and saw you have fibro. .I have it as well.it's not nice at all..I take pregabalin and it really helps.

  • Hi I understand this as I am suicidal quite a lot and act on impulse. What helps me is saying every morning that today isn't going to be the day, but tomorrow could be. Then make the same decision the next day etc.

    I also find trawling the suicide websites helpful as by the time I have read that there are no painless methods of doing it and other peoples stories, I have really gone off the idea. This might help you too.

  • I'll try that...it's kinda the same thing as putting off drug usage for another day when the craving hits and that works.

  • Yes it is. It also leaves you freerer to enjoy the day as any suicidal thoughts can be deferred until the next day. x

  • ANY suicidal adulations (I believe that's the word) should be dealt with over time with a number of sessions with a Psychiatrist. There's no reason to go through such a kind of thing "alone" or even Just with a GP. Try and get a referral from your GP.

  • In an ideal world I agree with you. In my area it is self referral. I did and told them about the suicidal thoughts etc. and everything. They turned me down for NHS counselling and just referred me back to my doctor.

  • hi sorry to hear of your struggles.the fact it was a failed attempt means you have hope.a saying I have is as long as you breathe then you have hope.in 2006 I nearly died after an attempt and I truly was on the other side of life.it was only by chance I survived.i had nothing no job no home no family nothing just a messed up guy.roll on to now I have a home a job and two kids and life will get better.just keep at it.im on mirtazapine also and ive volunteered for 20 years too.my home is a reminder of my suicide attempt as my garden looks directly to the spot it happened.for me its a reminder of another me it still exists but not as much.your family love you they might not understand how to help you.ask one of them to attend cbt with you so they have a better understanding.keep fighting stay strong.

  • Hi

    Sorry you have to be reminded of that day, in your own garden of all places!

    I agree things do tend to get better. I wish that people would look at the context of wider life society and even spirituality improving when they are driven to the brink, and take a moment, breath, and change your mind.

  • I would question whether that's possible when you feel so bad. Even if it was would looking at 'the context of wider life society' even help? Not sure what you mean by that anyway,

    As for spirituality many people aren't interested in that including myself.

  • OK. I'm trying to be constructive :) I should put in more efforts.

  • Wasn't have a go - sorry. You are doing fine :) x

  • Thankyou brother it's heartening to see how things turned around for you..I really appreciate it..I will hold on..this will change.

  • Thank you everyone for your responses. Just reading them makes me feel much more connected.

  • Just stay strong I know it isn’t easy my wife is on 20 mg of Mirtazapine at night time plus loads other meds during the day I have been dealing with this for 15 years and now redoing her meds with the help with mantle health doctor and her nurse and g p we all ŵorking together to get how she was in the past and I know we will get there life have to many challenges

  • Good for you for taking the time to go through the meds again. That's important :)

  • Hi, until August this year I was continually having suicidal periods. I had very had agoraphobia, deep depression, high anxiety, and many other symptoms. I knew I had been diagnosed with something called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and was taking the necessary prescription for that. You could read my Profile to understand a bit more. Since August I have been eating a special way. I don't like calling it a Diet as that sounds like I want to lose weight. Basically I have cut out ALL grains, cut out as much sugar as possible, and added as much 'good fats' as I can. There are very good reasons for all the changes in what I eat.

    This way of eating has turned my life around... after 35+ years. I know everyone is different but worth a try.

    This is my Word Doc ..........

    Carbohydrates and sugar spike the blood sugar up and the body has to work hard to get the blood sugar down again. If it has to continually work at reducing blood sugar, something will go wrong. …. …..Insulin and cortisol.

    Fruit also has a fair amount of sugar so I’m only allowed to eat a small amount (one piece a day maximum, or some berries). Bananas are very high in sugar.

    The above two – carbohydrates and sugar/fruit – diabetics will know to cut these out.

    Grains – are all a form of “grass” & our body has problems digesting it. Cows eat grass and have three stomachs to digest it. For humans to digest any of the grains, it takes energy and causes problems in our digestive system. This way of eating is about cutting out GRAINS, so even any type of glutein free bread is a big No No.

    Also all carbohydrates are to be cut out. Therefore no rice as it is a carbohydrate. Certainly not pasta, bread, Ryvita, porridge, biscuits of any sort, as it’s all made from grain of some sort. You need to think what a food is made of to work out if you can eat it. No grains, no carbohydrates, very low amount of sugar, absolutely no soy. Anything that has been ‘manufactured’ – you need to check the label to see what’s in it; many items have added sugar, added carbohydrates. In fact I don’t now eat anything that has been ‘messed about’ with by any manufacturer.

    Our brain is made of around 80% fat, therefore it needs good fats in order to function properly. The advice we were given to eat a low fat diet, in my view, has caused a lot of depression in the population.

    No doubt the pharmaceutical co's put that out so they could sell more anti-depressants (?)

    Recommended to eat - full fat milk, cream, real butter (+ melted over veg), olive oil, cheese, cream cheese, eggs, meat including bacon (not sausages), oily fish (tinned mackerel is my favourite), white fish, plain bio yoghurt, all vegetables (I make veg soup with a blender), all salad items, avocados, nuts (not salted or roasted), beans (I buy tins of mixed beans & baked beans from supermarket & drain off liquid), tinned prunes (delicious with cream!). There are other foods that are ok – eg pulses, sauerkraut (which I’ve googled how to make & about to try making it), Hellmans mayonnaise, Bovril, cocoa powder (not drinking chocolate - it's 70% sugar) in warm milk, Lindt high cocoa chocolate slab, Not meant to eat potatoes as they are high carb (I have a little), also a small amount of sweet potato but all potatoes are carbohydrates which this diet forbids.

    Example of one day’s meals & snacks ----

    Breakfast : Hard boiled egg with cream cheese or Bacon & egg

    Morning snack : Mug of warmed full fat milk & half an apple or Home made vegetable soup

    Lunch : Tinned mackerel with any salad items (+ mayo)

    or Handful of nuts + cottage cheese with tomatoes or any salad item

    Afternoon snack : Bio yoghurt with cream mixed in + 3 prunes or a few defrosted raspberries

    Supper : Chicken or any meat with mixture of vegetables with melted butter over veg

    Good luck

  • I strongly recommend this diet :) If you have any doubts, read Alien Seas website or research Keto and similar diets and you'll find this is a great first step. It's hard to follow completely (no carbs and sugar removes a lot of foods) but it's the goal as I see it now.

  • Hi oil70,

    Welcome to this community. As you have begun to find we are a very friendly, supportive lot, who are only too willing to come alongside to offer support, advice, a listening ear. I appreciate this is your first time posting, but just for yours and others, may I suggest you to put in your post title a prefix *Trigger Warning* when discussing topics such as suicide or self-harming, as this warns others who may be in a vulnerable place, who could be upset by what they might read, to avoid the post. It's part of the community guidelines in respecting others and the different emotional place we may be in. I'm glad you are keeping your GP in the loop.

    Do check out our Pinned Posts section for more information on free mental health guides, and keep handy our international crisis helpline numbers to hand (I'm not sure what part of the world you live in) but if in the UK call:

    Samaritans Tel:116 123

    NHS 999 Emergency medical help

    NHS Choices: nhs.uk

    NHS 111 for non-emergency medical advice.

    Well done everyone for sharing and supporting Olio!

    Take care.

    Best wishes.

  • Hey oil70, First of all I just hope when you read my reply, you are having a better day, but after this I wanna say with all of my heart I got your feelings, because I had very very bad days recently again and in progress today I am not very good yet, anyway, I am very willing yo help you but I dont know how, I only can tell you you are not alone, the world is just going to be worse and woeser everyday and a large amount of habitants on it too in my eyes, but hey I know sth,, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, last night I read one of quotes related to Bob Marley whom I really love how he saw the things infront of himself, I extremely appreciate and have sympathy with his thoughts and words, so all I have today for you is this sense and a suggestion that take some time and read some of his quotes which you can find them openly and easily on the net, and in the end here it is:

    "Dont worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be allright.. "

  • "the world is just going to be worse and woeser everyday"

    Absolutely untrue. People are getting smarter. Grades (or at least intelligence metrics in key stage tests like GSCE A Level etc) go up each year. I read recently that IQ goes up each generation by as much as 3 points a year. That seems a little far fetched but it just goes to show that every day everything improves. I'm sad that you would think otherwise!

  • I respect your opinion but I have mine

  • Thankyou everyone for your replies and my apologies if I've trighere's antone inadvertently.Thanks again.

  • this post may explain what is going on and give you some ideas on how to deal with it


  • Definitely use MAS_Nurse's contact telephone numbers given above. Great that you're thinking about the distress your death would cause to your family (your protective factor). They would be devastated, and we would all be sad now that you've disclosed your thoughts. I let intrusive thoughts be. Just accept them as they come and let them be, then let them go. Always seek support from more than one source when your suicidal thoughts are intense. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket, as the first egg you talk to might not be the best advice. GP definitely, medication review and a frame of mind of seeking help from anyone and everyone who might help. Take care :0)

  • I have anxiety and depression which is chronic and debilitating to my day to day life such as work, school, ect. Before I started meds, I didn’t agree with the idea. I believe in medication, eating very healthy, and exercising regularly helps mental illness. I am sorry u feel suicidal. I have been there and trust me I had to start meds because nothing “natural” worked for me. I’m on 4 pills a day but I’d rather take them than feel like shit mentally all day and night. Zoloft is a good one for major depression and anxiety.

  • Thankyou everyone it's a real struggle but I'm going to keep seeking help and maybe a med change..as it's a bit much..I do have to accept it's happening now but it won't be forever and I can get through to a better place.

  • You think it’s all on you. What can I do? What have I done or not done? You need to look at it another way...... Although I was unworthy, what has someone else done for me?!

    Then read John Chapter 3 verse 16 in the bible.

    A good place to start, but don’t stop there!

  • HI there oil70, how are you feeling today?

  • Hi Bobby. .it's been tough but I'm really trying to commit mentally to sticking around and trying to my best. I've finally got a referral for my chest as I've had restricted breathing for about 3 months and Its really added to my depression.so I'm hoping to get to the bottom of it.I couldn't get out of bed this morning but I've managed to get some things done. thankyou for asking. hope things are OK with you.☺

  • Are you in the care of your local Community Mental health Team? Have you ever been to ER and talked with them about your suicidal thoughts? If it ever gets bad that's the way forward anyway. I know you may not feel like this is correct, but trust me, that's what the system is there for, it's there for you. I hope your suicidal thoughts lighten and that things come together for you in your life. There is no need to be going through this just with your GP and medication. That's not how the system works! I should know lol after 9 + years in the system and decades of problem.

  • Thankyou yes I will go to a and e if I get urges..I have done this in the past though and not received much help. ..guess it's pot luck on hospital and their location. I spoke to the Samaritans yesterday at their office and that helped too. Our local crisis team line rings off the hook. I'm just going to keep being proactive athis finding ways to get better.

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