is there even a name for what i am?

[shade-of-pale]

I dont think there's a point in my life where i have been satisfied, i feel like i havent even had a childhood? A lot has happened and theres so much to say but i cant even put it into words but i just need some advice. Anyway i am seeing my gp for the first time on friday about what exactly is happening (maybe depression or more)? To be honest im doubtful they can help me but i have a strange feeling i dont want to be saved

[Hidden]

Hi

Be honest with the gp. It will be difficult but you need to do it.

I don't want to pry too much as I imagine it was very difficult for you to write what you did. It was a good first step for you, well done (actually it was a second step as you've made the gp appointment). Although you have the strange feeling of not wanting to be saved the fact that you made the appointment & reached out on here shows that you do want to, that you want to fight those thoughts/feelings.

There is a name for what you are. Normal. Human. Pick either but what you are feeling is not just what you are feeling. You are not alone or some kind of freak. You are normal. You may have issues or problems (many of us do) that you have been trying to deal with on your own, but sometimes we need a little help with those. And that's ok, it's ok to ask for a little help. It's not weak to do that. I've learned recently that it actually takes a little strength to do that (look at my old post about depression being a weakness & you'll see what I mean).

How are you feeling this morning?

James

[shade-of-pale in reply to Hidden]

Hi James

Sadly i'm not very normal, if only you knew. i would describe myself as spontaneous, a people-pleaser to some and sadistic about others. I just speak a load of nonsense most of the time, i dont seem to have a filter from my thoughts to my words. But i dont mind that.

I am feeling okay, been a stressful day but decided on a bath and peppermint tea. Strangely i have a habit of taking away nearly everything artificial to calm myself down and i can relax, so its been a nice evening

Thank you for your concern too, means a lot

Laura

[Hidden in reply to shade-of-pale]

Hi Laura - nice to have a name to answer to

It's ok not to be very normal. Too normal is kinda boring, I like being different than most people & guys, not because of the depression but because of other good traits I have (I hope) . So being a little left of normal makes you more interesting and not so 'grey'.

Glad you managed to have a calm relaxing evening after the stressful day, well done to you as that can be difficult to do if you can't shut the mind off or stop those little voices whispering in your ear.

I like to think I speak sense most of the time, others may not agree, but every now and then I have a thought that occurs to me or is funny to me & I express it. Get a few weird looks off friends but usually only because it's a little random & (to them) out of nowhere, but I like to think that makes me a little more interesting & sometimes quirky lol.

Remember you are not weird or a freak or not normal. As someone else has said whatever you may be going through, though unique, will be similar to what others have experienced or are experiencing & some of those people will not doubt be commenting on this website so you'll always get support, advice & help.

Good luck with the gp today & remember nothing you say will shock them, they will have heard it all before so just be honest.

James

[debsg]

Hi - making the appointment with your GP is a good step forward - I can relate to some of what you are saying and I spent most of my life feeling feeling quite isolated - it has only been in the last couple of years - I am now 40 - that I have been trying to understand and make sense of things to improve my mental health. Relationships, friendships and interpersonal skills have for me been the hardest part of life, but there is light at the end if the tunnel and this forum is a great place to help you through the difficult times. You say you can't put it into words - sometimes things can be overwhelming and I find it best to just try and do something to distract you from the feelings like going for a walk, watching a film or just having a nice bubble bath - this can help you gain a better frame of mind for dealing with things - writing things down can also be helpful and if you keep it in a diary format can be useful for keeping track of things. Please let me know how you get on at the doctors and always remember that it is never too late to keep trying.

Best wishes for Friday

Take care x

[Hidden]

Hi

You say you feel you haven't even had a childhood which suggests you had trauma from an early age - I also felt similarly and went into therapy because I felt I had not even begun to live. It is a difficult situation to cope with and you can be helped though it is not easy to get the right kind of help..

It is good that you are seeing your GP but I should be careful how much you say about your feelings in depth as GPs are not trained to understand someone saying they feel as if they didn't have a childhood - they may see you as over-dramatizing and that would result in your feeling misunderstood which would repeat things from your past.

It is important however to be honest about your uncertainty about whether you want to live so that your GP understands how difficult you are finding things. If you say you are depressed - although you probably are - your GP will almost certainly suggest medication as a first step and that does not help the kind of difficulties you are experiencing. Maybe the best thing would be to say you need to talk to someone about all the difficult things that have happened in your life, that you are struggling because of them. You are unlikely to be referred for in depth therapy as a first step because the NHS funds are stretched and so usually short term counselling is offered, which may help you to begin to talk about things that have happened to you but ideally you need longer term therapy as it takes time to form the kind of relationship with a therapist that will enable you to overcome feelings of not having had a childhood. When you have had short term help then you could ask your GP to refer you tfor longer term therapy through secondary care specialist services where therapists are well trained and well qualified to help you to begin to live a happier and more meaningful life.

Do let us all know how you get one as we can support you while you wait for the help you need.

Sorry - I realise I have not answered your question! There is not a simple diagnostic name for what you are experiencing as you have developed physically into an adult and may have many adult skills but in some ways emotionally you still have the needs of a child for acceptance, recognition, understanding and care that continues even when you are behaving horribly as we all do at times. When you find that you will develop basic trust and positive self-esteem and then be able to form the kinds of relationships you are currently probably unable to form.

Suexx

[Suzie40 in reply to Hidden]

I wouldn't say it's development delay she has Sue ...

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

No, actually you are right Lucy! More a way of thinking about it than a diagnosis so I had better amend quickly. Thanks.

How are you? I'm just off to see a friend in Manchester and have a bit of girlie shopping which will be fun, speak again soon,

Suex

[Photogeek in reply to Hidden]

Sue enjoy some retail therapy and time with your pal.

Wish I lived near you all .

Hannahx

[Photogeek]

Hi I hope you get the help you need, you have made a good start by realising

That all is not right in your life. I feel you want to beSaved , or you would not

Have posted this. You are probably a bit scared because you made have to

Make changes.

Don't worry too much about name of how your feeling, sounds like your

Stuck and need a helping hand to change.

Hannah .

[shade-of-pale]

Thank you all so much for replying i honestly didn't expect anyone to..

i am grateful for your support-made me smile reading all these comments. I am a bit nervous about the doctors because if they do suggest medication i don't know if that would be the right thing because i've heard so many stories about people becoming addicted to them as soon as they stop taking them. obviously i don't want to worsen whats already happening

Laura

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to shade-of-pale]

Hi Laura. Meds aren't generally addictive - but they do alter the production of chemicals in your brain (that's how they work) so you do get 'withdrawal' type symptoms if you stop taking them suddenly. What the docs do as and when you're ready to stop taking them is reduce the dosage gradually so your body adjusts.

Good luck today, please let us know how you get on

[Hidden]

Hi Laura there is one thing you learn here. It is that whatever you are going through and whatever you are feeling there are people on here who understand and have been through or going through the same sort of thing. We are all different but we do between us go through every emotion know to humankind! I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I certainly emphasise very much with you. Most of the new meds doctors tend to give now are not addictive unlike many of the older ones. So I think you should try some as they would probably help you. x

[TheEssexPrincess1994]

I was the exact same when I started feeling unsatisfied, I don't remember most of my 'childhood' either and I have been asked several times by the people I work with to put my 'childhood' into words but I honestly can't, I didn't go directly to my GP, I emailed my clinical nurse at the hospital where I have all my operations done and she put me in touch with the doctor who deals with mental health issues, and I had the same feeling that I didn't want to be saved as well but its impossible to deal with issues ie depression alone and in times of need, i turned to my peers for support

[Hidden]

Hi

I know you have put this post before and now put the same one again and I am wondering how you are?

Suex

[mimi70]

You don't have to take anything you don't want to, its your life, your health and your body, ask about side effects, if something doesn't suit u ask to have it changed, don't just accept the first thing offered, keep a diary see if your mood / feelings change while you are on any medication, at least then you will recognise any positive changes too which can help in tough times