hi there sorry ive not been round for a while been feeling like crap for a while ! its been 10 weeks or more since i lost mum and i get a mixture of anger and depression at the fact i cant talk to mum any more ! my wife and sister are brilliant they try there best to help but sometimes it feels like i would be better not being here when i say this my sister can get annoyed at this as shes been there for me all along ! is it wrong to feel like this am i being selfish ! im not eating a great deal and im suffering lots of headaches especially at the back of my head the stress is getting to me any advice anyone david

9 Replies

  • Hello David

    Getting over a family loss can take an extended period of time, some say anything from two to three years. It can be shorter if you have close links to family members.

    To bereave at a lost is best when you have people around you who are feeling the same way.

    One thing you will find and rightly so if you start saying you may wish to end it all, their attitude may be do not be selfish and we are all going through a rough time, we need you to stand next to us and help me also get over this hurt, there are many here who are suffering not just you, please do not make matters worse. Do not think you are the only one.

    The symptoms you are feeling are very real and at a death of a close family member generally can make those left behind have a stronger relationship than before.

    Your families feelings and yours will all go through all the feelings between anger, sadness and loss, that is part of life and death. Eventually it does help to talk about your families loss and remember the not only bad times, also all the good times that your family have had. Life is bitter- sweet, we all laugh and cry when we lose someone.

    What if is a word that should not be used, the only one who can use that term is your GOD. Do not beat yourself up with your families loss, no-one could have done anything to prevent the situation, death happens. We all need to live with that consequence.

    You are lucky to be married and have family who wish to support everyone, I have never had that and it can make people very hard.

    All I can suggest is feel the pain that everyone around you is feeling. Depression, we need to treat, loss and death are always around us and we all should try and help each other. Suicide is death and believe me feelings of those left behind will not feel in anyway any better from that negativity that you have left in your place.

    Be strong all is life, if you need to talk to anyone I am here, generally and you hav many around you on here to give support.

    If you are feeling in any way at risk, see your GP and talk with your better half


  • hi david thank you for your reply i know everyone handles the loss of a loved one ! im trying to take in other peoples feelings but i can be self centred ! ive got a great sister who understands how i feel and i talk to her a lot ! she tells me when i feel like harming my self she tells me to concentrate on my wife and the rest of the family and think how. they would feel ! which i tell my self when i feel low ! my depression and anxiety are quite troublesome at moment as do my headaches i get feelings that theres something wrong ! sorry if ive went on so long david again thank you david

  • Hello David

    Yes I understand how you must be feeling, although personally I cannot walk in your shoes and cannot understand the dynamics of your family members, all I can do is try and give support. Life is cruel, we all have been put on this world to learn, or so they say ?.

    Understand your grief and condition, you have had a long productive relationship with your Mother I would be thankful of that and you .will be able to eventually move on with those bitter, sweet memories that makes life so intense.

    If you feel that your condition is severe at this time you would be better talking to your GP or CPN, if you have one

    Be kind and strong to yourself and those around you. Allow yourself to grieve, that really makes you stronger to carry on in the future


  • Hi David I am with your sister on this! She has just lost her mum too you know and now she feels she might be losing you as well. How would you feel if it was the other way round and she was saying that to you?

    You are very lucky to have all this support, so use it please. Have you considered bereavement counselling? This might help as sometimes we get stuck in grief and find it very difficult to go through the process completely. You have to do this you know and it will take a hell of a time longer than just 10 weeks. Don't expect to feel a whole lot better just yet will you? Things will improve though but life will never be the same as in my experience losing a parent changes you as a person. The world looks a different place without your mum in it doesn't it? I know that's how I felt when I lost mine and that was over 2 years ago now.

    I really believe that one day we will meet our loved ones again and I find that comforting. Take care Bev x

  • hi bev im sorry if i came across selfish one of my sisters cared for my mum for years and now my dad she has told me she doesnt want to see me ill and my other sister is amazing she sits and listens to me ! when i get feeling of not wanting to be here she talks to me about it as shes had problems with mental health her self ! i find my anxiety is bad just now giving muscle pain in my left arm so i panic ! i pray to my mother every night for help in how i am feeling.! Again bev thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post take care david x

  • Not so much selfish David love as mainly thinking of yourself and not the other members of your family. I hope you are there for them as much as they are for you as it is a 2 way thing you know. Concentrate more on helping them and this will help you too. Take care Bev x

  • Hi there, l truely feel for you. I lost my dad and I lost weight felt stressed and my emotions were all over the place! Allow yourself to mourne and be kind to yourself! The feelings you have are overwhelming and you need as much time to heal as you need. Some people mourne all there lives! Some don't take so long, but losing someone you love is the worst feeling ever! I'm so so sorry for the pain your going through! I've been there and I'm still grieving and miss my lovely dad daily! I will never get over it but I'm getting through it. Your headaches are part of it. My whole body aches as we try to compensate by trying to hide the pain and if like me you don't have support and understanding from those close to you it makes those symptoms worse. Message anytime to help release the tension. Thinking of you with heartfelt love.

  • Sometimes it is easy to say things like, "it would better if I wasn't here anymore". But we forget how that worries others.. Coughalot is right, your family is going through a lot, you have all taken a blow at the loss of your mum and clearly it has hit you very hard. I can't imagine how you feel, I'm so very sorry to hear about your mum. I haven't had time to come on here and had too much going on with lots of stress so this is the first I've heard..

    But Coughalot has a point about being there for them too, you need to stick together to get through it.

    I urge you to open up to your wife though. You have to try not to shut them out, David. They are still here and still care about you. You are lucky to be married to someone who really cares and wants to help you. And a sibling who talks things through with you. That really is the best thing for a depressive, for someone to help you make sense of what you are feeling...

    Take care xx

  • sory you feeling so bad and not a good time of year for a lot of people do you have friends or a partner too give you support