a regular rant of the ages.

[Cinamon180]

It's been a few months since I've visited this site and I'm not sure anymore what I'm looking for. I know my quest for help in my small community has come up dry and I really just need to unload. I hope this doesn't seem too FaceBook status boohoo me, attention grabby like.

As some of you might remember or not or what ever, in April I lost my child through miscarriage and it has affected me so much more than i could have possibly imagined. I have never imagined myself being in so much pain at such a constant. what i don't really get is why I can't let myself get past any of it. I still go through flash backs when i drive down the main road that takes me to the (EXCUSE MY FRENCH) fucking hospital that i had to go to. being in this small place no matter where you want to go, the main road is the road you end up on. so to no other option everyday i go to school or to work i must be reminded of that surreal experience. and to think the best way to get over somthing is to face it regularly. but the thing is i havn't had the chance to be away from anyof it. and its starting to affect alot more than my mood. my fiance hasnt seen me have a good day in months. i HATE going out in public unless its absolutly crucial. i hate social things where im expected not to be the party pooper. i cant even be intimate with my fiance anymore and i think im starting to resent him. which scares me becuase he has got to be the most perfect man for me and im letting him slip away.

this whole ordeal just sucks and there is no escaping it.

so what is a girl like me to do? stand strong and keep it all behind closed doors? ive been silent about this whole thing for months. its not somthing you can just bring up in conversation, not to mention everyone id love to sit down and open up to are pregnant or already have the kids that i so desperatly want.

Desperation. that need to fullfill somthing that will let me have a good day without laying there at night thinking wtf is wrong with me.

is there anyone out there who is going through the same thing? am i the only broken woman? and can anyone teach me who to type while im crying. frick im so pathetic.

[Sapphire3]

I'm soso sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I can't lie and say I know what you're going though as I've never lost a child where it's not been of my own choice. I do know what loss feels like though, and while its not even close to losing a child it's the closest i have experienced.

I guess there's no easy answer. I mean this might seem quite obvious, but have you spoken to your fiance about how you feel? Has he grieved too?

I know I had abortion and it really pained me to do it, but my boyfriend didn't really care, which I think made it worse for me. Have you thought about counselling for this? As it must be traumatic and they're the best place to go really if you've had trauma.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of anymore help.

I really hope things better for you. Sapphire x

[Hidden]

Hun, I don't know how far on you were but SANDS might be worth contacting - they may be able to put you in touch with the right folk if you don't fit their group.

I'm also guessing there is a lot of "but you just need to try for another" going on. Total bollox, you don't make replacement babies - you will always grieve this one, but with less pain as time goes by

[Jeffju]

I had a miscarriage many years ago and know how you feel. I grieved for our baby but also, (and this may sound very old fashioned but I am over 60), I felt that it was nature's way of dealing with something that wasn't quite right and that's how I managed to get through with my feelings.

I was very lucky to soon be pregnant again with my daughter who is an absolute delight to me. She wouldn't be here had I not miscarried.

You need to talk to a grief counsellor. Maybe your GP or local CAB may be able to put you in touch with someone who knows how you feel and can help.

I always think of the baby we lost but look at the beautiful daughter I have.

All the very best and {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}, Julie xx

[csimmons]

You are not pathetic. You are not alone. Your feelings matter. How sad for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and send you positive vibes. You went thru an ordeal and it sounds like you are still grieving. Try your hardest tomorrow to find the good in living and see how the day goes. This too shall pass my dear. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.

[pacsmum in reply to csimmons]

good girl lovely and positive

[scoobydoo123]

I have not been through a miscarriage but can understand the broken woman part. I think you need to open up to someone and let your anger out. Maybe a sport like boxing could help? X

[Loobie1605]

Hi,

I was wondering how you were and please keep talking on here. You are going through hell and it is only a short time ago. Your body is still healing and it is hard at this time of year. Christmas must have been difficult because of how child orientated it has become. The first year, in my experience was the hardest, and as the anniversary is drawing close, it must be in your thought constantly. I wish I could offer you an easy solution, but I know you said your fiancé grieved in a different way, that's not to say he feels it less than you do, just differently. IF you find it hard to talk to him, write him a letter, tell him what you have told us. I can understand why you don't like going out in public, it is easier to avoid a situation and lets face it we all understand self preservation especially when we feel so vulnerable. You are a good person, and certainly not pathetic. You have lost something precious and have the right to grieve, there is no time limit on grief it just eventually becomes easier ( if that is the right word) to live with.

Keep talking to us, vent all your feelings and don't worry about your French, just remember we are all here for each other

Take care of yourself

Lesley x

[1darkangel]

I think you might need some counceling or a breavement professional to help you cope with your feelings and thoughts. I needed this when I lost my 5 month old to being 16 weeks premature which happened 14 years ago but I can remember it as though as it was yesterday. Now 14 years later I am struggling with anxiety(GAD) and depression so I have had a few sessions with a relate councellor through my GP which helped a great deal as I shared a lot of photos and memories with her instead of me getting scare to upset anyone in my family. I currently receive CBT Therapy Sessions through my GP to help with my anxiety and depression which has developed through this and other things in my life such as a critical Mother and lack of emotional support as I was growing up.

[Photogeek]

I really feel for you today.you are grieving and grief is not clear cut there is no time

Limit on it. It's a process and like a death time takes the edge off the pain.i would. Think

That a trip to your GP would be a good idea. He could even direct you to a group that

Could help you .

You are going through a normal thing which is very Painful. We all deal with grief differently and a good friend if mine lost her little boy and she resented her husband because

He seemed to be able to move o wit h his life, whereas now many years later my friend

Is still raw. Men maybe are hard wired to get over things easier as they have to

In order to be Able to function and survive.

Be gentle with yourself and time will heal the edges of your grief .

I will keep you In my prayers

Love n hugs

Hannah x

[Cinamon180]

And to think people assume the internet is useless. Thank you everyone for replying. its been a rough road and even the tiniest bit of encouragement from you all will definitely put a little wind to the grain. although i would love to reach out to a guidance counselor or therapist or bereavement person or a shrink or a doctor. there are 2 people in my entire county that offer grief counseling and both of them have hefty rates i cant currently pay. the free healthcare here happens to be a joke that i have had to come to terms with. If i had a mode of transportation i would travel to the city an hour away, but being broke ties me down this this (again excuse my language) shit hole of a dump. so i'm on my own with this one.

as for talking with my fiance, some of you are right in thinking he has grieved differently. being the great man he is has some downfalls as it usually does, and he has placed this topic in the far reaches of his mind and refuses to talk about it. he will comfort my emotions but will not console the issues i'm having. which i cant blame him for because hes not a doctor, he doesn't have the answers I am looking for and frankly I don't like fighting with him to show me his emotions about this. but it sucks allot. we have been on the same page about practically everything and the minor bickering we have had was always about silly insufficient things.

For most people this kind of thing is not considered a death, a loss. but merely a nonviable pregnancy. To me it was my little girl, my Brooklyn. the little one i never got to hold, never got to raise, never got to say I love you every second of the day. and for those who dont know what to say but tried anyways. thank you. from the bottom of my heart, i know this topic is a tough one to talk about and you took time out of your day to ask me how i was doing. for the first time in months someone actually wanted to know.

[pacsmum]

Dear Cinamon, you poor little thing, I (with two adopted children) have not experienced you're awful heartache, but I really do understand how you are feeling at the moment. Our son and daughter in law lost their tiny baby boy (Jacob) at 33 weeks he had spinabifida . The hospital recommended that they let him go:::::::: before birth because he was so ill. They went through a week of hell trying to decide what would be for the best . In the end he decided himself , and it still breaks my heart (as now) when I think of them being sent home from that awful hospital at 12.30 am at night ,leaving their little boy on his own . They were a poor little family at the time after buying their first home which was almost dereliked They cried their way home to a dark damp little hovel, and were supposed to just get on with life as if nothing had happened. After a few weeks the worry broke them up my son went to live with a friend and became quite ill. After a year of still seeing each other they decided to give it a go again. It's now 12 years down the line and they now have two gorgeous daughters, and life is at last seeing the end of the tunnel. I myself understand dear cinnamon because (and I don't know why) I haven't been able to move on , my husband and I still go regularly to tend Jacobs grave. I still have nightmares about it, All I can say my dear is a) as a mum theres no way that you would have wanted your little one to suffer As a mum you must put your darling baby before yourself and let Him/Her rest in peace, He/ She was happy in mummys tummy and only new love ,nothing of this awful world. b) Cling together, be happy together and a day at a time things WILL improve I Promise. c) your dreaded hospital or the nearest big one will have a church service once a year and a sort of helpline where you can talk to other girls in the same situation. My daughter in law only started to get a grip on life when she was introduced to another girl that also lost her baby about the same time. Please Dear Cinamon you are not alone everything Will be alright it's just living the best way you can for a day at a time, and mother time will take care of the rest, be brave and make the effort to get out there and seek help in any direction you can, it does work my love. Take Care and start the next chapter of your life together. Pacsmum. X

[daylyn]

Wow. Ummm...I have read these 11 replies to your post. Stirred up quite the emotions and memories for me. I have quite the tale to tell. I have been pregnant TEN times. 7 live births, two miscarriages at 16 weeks and the other was 12 weeks, and a still born at 30 weeks. I have six boys and one girl. My first born was a boy with no problems. the next three pregnances were the miscarriages and the still born. I thought that I would never be able to have another successful pregnancy ever again. I was miserable to be around. I hated everyone. I dispised(?) every pregnant women that I saw. I had a friend that had an abortion during my time of despair. I wanted to kill her. Here I was TRYING to have a baby and she was terminating one. I had never experienced this kind of hate and this kind of pain ever. There definitely was a brokeness about me. The things that I did and turned to wasn't good. Then I was finally pregnant and was so scared of every little twinge that I was practically at the drs office daily. I finally had my second boy, then third boy. My fourth was a girl, 5th a boy. When I found out I was pregnant AGAIN with the 6th born, I was diagnosed with a heart tumor that HAD to be removed at once. My life was at stake. I was 29 DAYS pregnant. The drs wanted me to abort him. They couldn't give guarantees that he would make it, let alone if I would make it. I told them no to abortion and they induced me at 32 weeks because they weren't going to allow the stress of labor and being full term affect my heart. He was born and a miracle he is. My last born son...I was raped by someone I knew. I battled myself over what I should do. I am pleased to say, I kept him.

Originally, I wasn't ever going to be able to have any children because of the damage that was caused by my dad molesting me for years to having one child to the misfortune of losing three to having a total of seven.

I know that pain all too well, but know...don't give up. Don't go down to the dark places that I went to. It was a horrible place. You ARE entitled to grieve as long as you want, but don't push any one away. The hurt is too tremendous to go it alone.

(I have shared WAYYYY lots. Talk about being and feeling vulnerable.)

Hugz,

Dana