A couple of years ago... Well more like two and a half years...I moved myself and three kids across country because i fell head over heals for a guy.
Warned off by family ' no man wants secondhand goods' and ' you'll only be there until what he wants comes along' referring to the fact I've been married and was living down south to escape ex husband. Still it felt right at the time.
I had the naïve notion that he just needed someone to be loyal, love unconditionally, be patient and stand by him no matter what. Fairy tale stuff. And when he mentioned weddings and such in conversation I couldn't help rewriting my name with his. Stupid huh.
Problem is no one loves like that anymore and maybe my family were right. Even he's called me broken among other things.
With his tbi and such I've been to doctors with him and other appointments and shopped and cleaned and such but maybe I was selfish...
After ten years in an awe up abusive marriage I guess I wanted someone to love me back like that as well. I'd realised love can't be one way it has to be from both to work.
I feel selfish thinking after ten years of abuse I want to feel loved and have someone come with me to appointments. I want to be told I'm pretty and held and hold hands and not hidden.
I want to share the rest of my life with him and it feels foolish because no matter what I do say or give I will never be 'her' who her is I don't know and maybe she doesn't exist but I know I'm not her. I may be broken but I'm me, loyal, loving, patient and maybe I'm naïve and love doesn't exist for anyone but me. But I can't change. I don't want to. I jut want my happy ending and for him to sweep me off my feet. I want to feel the way I did when I signed my name next to his...
But I don't think that's ever going to happen... His home isn't mine, we don't spend time together, he doesn't talk to me and isn't interested in what I have to say when I feel low.
I feel alone but frustrated because the love of my life is right there but it's like he's already someone else's and I can't even throw my arms around him and shout how much I love him. But it feels like i can't. And it's breaking my heart.