Want to be with my boyfriend - Mental Health Sup...

Mental Health Support

26,918 members15,599 posts

Want to be with my boyfriend

darkblue97
darkblue97

We are in relationship for the past 4 years bt i can't see him or touch him because of my parents. In my country people are not that open minded. My father doesn't like him cause his status is lower than ours. bt i really love him. i can't stay away from him anymore. i can't even get out of my house alone. sometimes i want to tell my parents about it bt whenever i told them something like this they just emotionally blackmail me like they are gonna harm themselves if i be in this relationship and my dad said that he's gonna kill him if he comes to know that i still want to marry him. bt i really love him and that's why i can't leave him and neither can he. please anyone tell me how can i tell my parents about it and make them accept us without hurting them. please i will be really grateful if someone could help...

51 Replies
oldestnewest

Speak to someone relative or religious person that can speak on your behalf about the situation and try to convince your parents or write them a very good long letter about how you feel and how important this is for you

darkblue97
darkblue97 in reply to Indieabc

the problem is everyone is afraid of my father.. he is very angry.. my mum also can't speak against him. Only i m the one who can at least say something and fight back bt i also know that he loves me a lot. that's why i don't wanna hurt him... I don't know if they are gonna understand me even if i write them a letter..

darkblue

Do you live in the Middle/Far East ?

Are they wanting to arrange a marriage for you ?

How old are you, do you feel safe with your family

Does your Boyfriends family like you are there any problems there as well

I live in the UK, A Christian and I had problems with my first Love, The Relationship was broken when I was approaching twenty one years old because I was going to emigrate and live with Her family and get married here then out there. Christian State.

Sometimes there can be objections of family, they can not see a relationship with a Partners family and that can lead to forms of Blackmail as family members try and step in to break that partnership. It is very wrong Here although in other Eastern countries this can be problematic if they wish for an arranged marriage. Are you in something similar ?

BOB

I live in a South east region. I m 18 years old. Sometimes I feel safe with my family bt they are very controlling and they always spy me. i don't even have my personal mobile yet.. i m hindu... they just want me to be with a person who can uphold their status.. bt i love him not his status.. and yes my boyfriend also can't say anything to his family cz he can't earn yet..

If you are in America or the UK there are charities that deal with Racial Relationships especially if the religion is Hindu or Islamic. The problem can be a form of kidnap back to the original country where the parents have found someone who they accept as a marriage partner, in other words the relationship is arranged. If you feel this is the case where your parents want to take a holiday and you may be married off.

There are organisations that deal with this problem, you need to look up these sites on the internet. They can also help you leave the family home and arrange a place of safety for you away from your family. The problem is possibly your age.

BOB

yeah my age is also a big matter bt there are no such organizations in my country.. As i m the eldest daughter of my family my parents say that i have too take responsibility of all my siblings including my paternal cousins.. so i can't leave them....

Try and look on the web anyway and start to look for organisations that can help.

I was reading something regards this on the web a while ago. Are there now ways you can move on. I understand if you were to move away and they found you there may be brutal consequences ? I did understand there was organisations that can help although through life you family will disown you. Was your Parents an arranged marriage ?

BOB

yes my parents' marriage was arranged. my dad liked someone bt he couldn't marry her bcz of his parents bt the problem is now he is in a extra marital affair... and yes if i move away the consequences will not be good and i also don't wanna hurt my family's feelings.. bcz they just wanna protect me bt the problem is they are not open minded and just bcz his status and education is lower than me, he rejected him.

can u also please tell me how can i search in the web like what will i write??

Use the WEB INDEX where you enter the site you wish too visit, Like how did you get here, Enter your requirements and that will take you to a list, choose the site.

Enter female forced marriages, your country and what you wish to ask

BOB

okay thanks :)

Hb2003
Hb2003 in reply to borderriever

Bob what the heck 😳 umm

Hb2003
Hb2003 in reply to borderriever

Hello bob I sort of agree with this statement even though I am American Algerian middleastern I just don’t agree with it your comment did not offend me so don’t worry about it 😊

borderriever
borderriever in reply to Hb2003

It is difficult for me to understand arranged marriages and Parents taking a proactive part in choosing a Partner for their child to marry. As I actually chose my partner, we have been together for over forty years. So I cannot walk in another persons shoes. of different faiths to Christianity

BOB

Hb2003
Hb2003 in reply to borderriever

I understand 😊

i can't make my parents understand that if i marry someone of their choice i will just be raped by him everyday and then there will be the pressure of having a baby.... this is the situation of my society.. and even if i want a divorce i won't be able to doo it.. moreover if i tell my parents that he is raping they will just say it is normal.... bt most importantly i can't think of anyone else to be my husband except my boyfriend... at ;least i will be me with him and i will be at peace and happy.. bt now even if i marry him without telling my parents then they will not let us be happy. i don't know what too do..

I have explained above, I am sorry to say you are reinforce what I have heard and I can only advice above. It all sounds very cruel to me and I cannot relate to this sort of attitude your parents have, it is something that does happen in the way you describe

BOB

i m just tired of all these now.. i love my family and i don't wanna hurt them bt they can't see that i m hurting within... i was in depression for a long time and they didn't even know.. u can see my previous posts and get an idea... i m still recovering. my boyfriend helped me to get out from depression... i have to talk to him secretly cz i don't even have my phone.. and even if i did they would just record my calls..

You need to consider the best ways around this, you will only do that by asking questions and researching organisations that may be able to help you.

I cannot understand how He must feel as He may be in the same situation. In the distant past we would get couples who love each other would run away together. In those days in the UK they would run over the Scottish Border and get married over the anvil, then visit a registrar to get the marriage papers. I am not saying to do that all I can say can you run away, to do this would you be in any form of danger as I understand the State sometimes will intervene

Get your Boyfriend to research the situation as well as yourself, two heads are better than one. If you are both in danger you will possibly need to move on.

Does your Mother and Father have any suggestions on who you should marry

BOB

no they don't have any such suggestions and i told my dad to trust me and i said that i won't marry him until he accepts us. i want to go away with him bt neither of us have the money for it.. and my father also knows a lot of people who can easily find us. and in our country there's no such organization bcz arranged marriage is normal here..

How old are you darkblue ???

Are you twenty three ? In the UK we are classed as adults at eighteen now.

Sexual Relationships, Dating sixteen years old. i am getting on a bit I am seventy years old

BOB

i will be 18 after 3 months.....

How old do you need to be to be classed as an Adult ?

BOB

18.. bt our families doesn't accept that

When are you classed adult and make your own choices

BOB

according to law 18 years bt according to my parents 24 years..

You work within the Law not your families Law. You can therefore learn to live your life. Your Parents need to understand they answer to the Laws of the Land

BOB

i know bt i don't wanna hurt them..

Bless you, sometimes in our life we need to hurt someone for their own good or If they are wrong and are hurting you. When we are young we have our own lives to plan. Your Parents have gone through that and now they need to stand aside and let you make decisions that will make you happy. Life can be very lonely if we marry the wrong person and that can lead to sadness and hurt.

I was engaged to a girl who lived in a Western State and my Parents just did not like her. In fact they were very cruel to Her Mother. It all came down to my parents pushing so hard I had no choice but to break up. She never married, so I always wonder what if. Although I married someone else and have been married for over forty years.

If all all possible, do not make the same error

BOB

thanks :).. I won't do that. I m not gonna marry anyone else except him and even he also decided that. No matter how much my parents pressurize me, I m not gonna leave him. Bt the problem is that i have to wait until i m settled in life.. and after 1 year maybe I m gonna go to USA for study.. So hopefully if he can also come with me then it is gonna be alright. bt he is not that good in studies and he can't speak English properly.. so it's really tough for him. I m supporting him as much as possible. I really hope he can make it..

and even if he can't still I m gonna be with him. I can't even think about anyone else..

darkblue

You have your own life to follow, when push comes to shove you will follow your own pathway, however remember there is a, caveat to that, we all live by our own errors in life and we need to accept any outcomes from those decisions we make.

I wish you well on the journey you wish to take. If your relationship works you will hopefully rise each other up. Relationships take two people to make it work

Good Luck

BOB

Thank u Bob.. :) I just wish everything just becomes okay. And this time if they find out about us I m just gonna tell them the truth. I know that its gonna hurt them bt I can't live like this anymore.. thanks for helping me :)

All the very best

I wish you both the very best in the future

Keep a hold

BOB

Thank u :)

Hb2003
Hb2003 in reply to borderriever

In middle eastern culture arranged marriages are sometimes good but if they hurt you then that’s not good in my opinion I hope I don’t offend anyone I respect opinions

darkblue97
darkblue97 in reply to Hb2003

according to culture and society its good bt for me its not. cz i have seen people getting hurt bcz of all these. and for me its definitely not good and i have also mentioned why...

Hb2003
Hb2003 in reply to darkblue97

I am sorry that you are going through this

darkblue97
darkblue97 in reply to Hb2003

:) thanks... i don't know what too say

Some parents learn that after a certain age their kids need to make their own decisions and to have faith that they will be good. If not, it’s called learning from mistakes.

However, I don’t know how to get parents to see that. Parents can be controlling and stubborn.

I wonder if seeking common ground somehow might help. Maybe some arrangement/conditions that might make your parents feel comfortable with you seeing your boyfriend in a “controlled situation”? Not the best for you, but at least it could be a small step in the right direction.

darkblue97
darkblue97 in reply to daveh121

Thanks.. I will try to do that. Bt i don't know if my parents will agree to do that cz they are conservative people

daveh121
daveh121 in reply to darkblue97

Hmm. Maybe they have to be tricked into thinking it is their idea. You leading them without their knowing it.

Of course then you can show surprise and pleasure that they are coming up with good ideas that satisfy you and them at the same time.

darkblue97
darkblue97 in reply to daveh121

I talked with him about it bt he is telling me that my parents are not the kind of persons who will be willing to do this.. they are just gonna make my life worse

daveh121
daveh121 in reply to darkblue97

That might be and it is unfortunate.

I think you owe it to everyone to at least try, and do your best. Then you will have comfort knowing that you did.

This might take some time and patience. I understand you and your boyfriend might be in a hurry. I would be.

If your attempt doesn’t work then you will have to make a decision. I am sure your parents mean a lot to you (as annoying as they might be at the moment) as does your boyfriend.

Hopefully a balance can be struck somewhere.

A smart person once said: nothing new under the sun. Your difficulties have been played out around the world in many ways by many people before you.

So I suppose it is up to you to be strong and smart to achieve what you want while maintaining a good relationship with your parents which benefits everyone.

You know your situation better than me.

Keep thinking about a solution. Something will come to you when you least expect it and resonate as a path forward.

I hope for the best.

darkblue97
darkblue97 in reply to daveh121

You can see my earlier post and get an idea what my family does to me sometimes.. and why i just want to be with him. Its not that they are annoying There are some other factors as well

What is it that your parents are worried about regarding your boyfriend?

I should have asked earlier.

darkblue97
darkblue97 in reply to daveh121

my boyfriend's status is lower than ours.. and since my dad is the eldest in our family he is thinking about his honor... he always tells me not to do anything that hampers his respect. bt is status everything?? love is more powerful than that isn't it? even if one's status is not that much if he gets the support of his love than he can at least get the strength in solving his problems and get peace.. bt without love no relationship is okay..

daveh121
daveh121 in reply to darkblue97

Yes, love is a powerful thing. You are correct.

In many parts of the world status is not important.

What a person is becomes more important.

However that is not where your father currently is.

Sounds like the traditions of your father run deep.

Is there a way that your father can see that your boyfriend is a good person who cares about you and your family and is happy to help out?

That he also comes from a good family with strong values similar to his? That being a good person supersedes caste and status?

I wonder what might happen to your father’s way of thinking if your boyfriend were to come over and help with household chores. Work in the yard or something. Help your father in someway.

daveh121
daveh121 in reply to daveh121

Ok. I read your earlier posts.

This is not easy and you are being strong for what you have to deal with.

I’ll have to think a bit.

darkblue97
darkblue97 in reply to daveh121

yeah its ok.. Take your time

darkblue97
darkblue97 in reply to daveh121

I don't know how i can make my father see that and he doesn't even listen to me properly... and my father knows him. so he can't come over

You may also like...