Don't want to feel like this anymore

Hi. I'm 45 and have been feeling depressed for many many years. I grew up in a large catholic family, youngest of 10, met my first boyfriend at 18 and eventually married at 21. I found him in bed with someone whilst I was pregnant but remained with him (how stupid) wanting to have the family and love. Many years passed, he drank after work and wouldn't come home until late spending our money and again I stayed, too embarrassed to tell anyone, pretending to be happy. Fast forward to 2004 I was 34, we divorced (he cheated with someone at work) by that time our 2 children were 11 and 13.5 and I was working so I had friends finally that gave me strength. He left us £thousands in debt ( he had bad credit and I had everything in my name as I worked in finance so my credit was spot on but after 2 years of struggling with everything I had to file for bankruptcy. I had support from work but was mortified with embarrassment yet again by him. He married the woman I divorced him and for years he made it difficult by stopping child support when he felt like it. I eventually met someone through a friend in 2008 who swept me off my feet, I was really scared, had major trust issues and didn't want to be hurt again. He was jealous of the relationship I had with my children who were young adults and started pushing, shouting and eventually broke my nose. Everything was my fault I used to always be dreading what is come home to. I finished it in 2013 and do not want another man in my life ever again. I'm frightened to leave the house I get the bus to work then straight back home, supermarket then home. I have stopped contact with everyone, make excuses to avoid work nights and to this day am scared to see him as he lives in the same city. It's been over 2 years up to now I've been lucky. I feel now there's nothing to get up for, I've taken anti depressants and anti anxiety for 10 months but stopped as I don't want to live my life doing that, I'm constantly exhausted and low. My son and daughter are brilliant, they don't know the way I feel ( my eldest, daughter knows I took the pills but I've just said I feel ok now I don't want her to worry) she's getting married in the States in 2017 and I'm dreading it. 1. Because I hate surrounding myself with people and 2. Her dad will no doubt be coming. I can't see anyway forward, I'm tired of years of struggling financially ( her fiance parents are married and financially sound) and although I work full time have nothing left after bills. I'm tired of having a lifetime of being used and hurt and have concerns that I see slight controlling signs from her fiancé towards her. I don't know if this is me being over sensitive because of my past. They've both been to uni and have excellent jobs, he doesn't raise his voice but I see little signs which I've mentioned but she said everything's fine. I was recently diagnosed with arthritis in both hips but was hoping the pain was more serious as I don't have the energy anymore.


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2 Replies

  • Jesus, the men in your life have been total b*****ds. Excuse my french but I think this situation calls for it. I am so sorry you've had to meet these idiots and put up with them. It is shocking they treated you like that. I think now because of them you have some social anxiety and have completely withdrawn. It's normal for you to panic that your daughter will have the same treatment by her fiance. I mean everyone can have their controlling moments so try not to panic at every little thing. All you can really do, Love, is to trust that your daughter knows what she's doing and that she has good instincts. You can of course tell her how you feel but you may not be comfy doing that.

    So tell me, what are the good things about your daughter's fiance? You may focus too much on small signs that he could be a controlling jerk, but does he make your daughter happy? Is he kind to her?

    Have you spoken to your doctor about how much you've withdrawn? It sounds like you need a bit of support. Or do you have a close friend who you can speak to? x

  • Hi I see you have deleted your account? Or changed alias coz it is showing now as hidden. I am worried why you have done this? The site can be quiet especially at weekends and I am sorry you had to wait for a reply to your post. x

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