Can't get over him

[Take_Me_As_I_Am]

Hi, I haven't post in here in a while. Some things have changed. I finally got the courage(with the help of my therapist) to tell my hubby I was fed up and we need to separate. Although he don't agree he heard me. That was weeks ago. So although we still living together since I can't leave financially plus we have a daughter, I had started dating someone a month ago. I know its wrong and please don't judge. The man is my middle school crush so we known each other over 20years.

Where I went wrong is I pursued him first. It was on social media. He thought I was happily married but I told him the situation and he happily obliged. From day one it was im in love with u, blah blah and I fell for it. We went on a date then like 2 weeks later it went further (I'm keeping it real). Then he did a disappearing act. When I confronted him, he was all "it's not u, I'm goin thru things, blah blah, and I'm sorry. I forgave and we spent a little time only for his Dad to pass away(I met Dad and his daughter previously). On the day of funeral basically I wasn't needed for support as he was ok with family. I texted all that day saying I'm here for u. No response. Now I'm the last one to be selfish, as I lost my Mom in 02 so I know how it feels to lose a parent, but I also wanted my significant other there for support.

That was a week and a half ago. I got one text since then that was like "hey", to my hi. The next reply I kept it light. Then the next one I went off saying I miss u, we was just together now we apart, blah blah, and I'm sorry if this the wrong time. Well no reply from him. Since. But he posts to social media.

I'm trying to get over him but it's hard because we had no closure plus I already have depression and pmdd so this situation just makes me feel 1000x's worst. Why he have to do this to me? Feeling so sad but refuse to ever make contact again!!! I already feel like a loser cuz no one really talks me, I don't have money to do things and my life sucks.😪😪

I hope to get a response.

[LaceyTiel]

I am very sorry with everything that has happened. Having a therapist is really good because you have some unbiased to help guide you to decisions you want to make for your life.

Social media is a mixed blessing to this day and age. I read a stat somewhere that 1 in 5 divorces result to some connection to social media. Most commonly is striking up old romances from days gone by. Old loves bring comfort and familiarity in a way no one new can as you remember your lives as they once were long ago. Personally I avoid that entire bag of snakes by having absolutely no contact with anyone I used to seriously date- because I know I too would seek them out for comfort and understanding. Especially during tough times or even another messy break up I know I could find comfort in one of my exboyfriends arms if they would have me. In no way do I judge you- because my heart does feel like I want my old love sometimes. But even if I was completely single I know that would not be good for my heart or mind.

I have seen his scenario play out many times and many different ways. The person who still is technically married reaches out to someone who says they understand- but in their mind they just see you as having 'fun'- because you are still married. He likely pulled away from you because he was feeling you were becoming to close to each other.

I have been married - and I cheated while married- and I got engaged while I still was just legally separated. So I am neither a saint nor angel. My ex-husband was found out to be a sex offender and I basically didn't know what direction my life was going after my world totally ended as I knew it. So I did date another man mostly to have someone to talk to and make me feel special during a time I felt incredibly lost. Two wrongs don't make a right though. So technically I did cheat while I was married.

But I also have learned that any relationship I tried to have while still married or legally seperated - did not work out. It is not even a re-bound thing. It is you trying to find out who you are now. You're different from the girl you were in middle school. And you are different from when you got married and you are different after becoming a mom! And now you have to get to know who you are after your divorce. You need time to find out who you are before you start a new relationship. That annoying friends with benefit phrase might be something you feel you might want- but really right now should be all about you finding out who you are now after the major life change of getting divorced.

If I can be any help at all please write me a response or PM me.

[Take_Me_As_I_Am in reply to LaceyTiel]

Hi LaceyTeil,

Thank you for responding! I'm super glad that you've walked in my shoes kinda so you know exactly where I'm coming from.

My marriage was already down the tubes once I seek my crush out. We were already friends on social so it wasn't hard at all to strike up a convo. Yup, I agree social media does have some ending marriages because it's so easy to find an old flame. Of the many great advice you gave, you gave me comfort to know maybe he did pull back because we were getting close. That's a good thing because we shared a lot of very personal things about each other. He told me some very personal trauma he went through. Who does that with someone they don't have feelings for? That's why I'm so confused.

But now looking back, I regret most of it. But it did teach me I could really love again if giving the chance. You and my therapist said the same thing which is focus on me and my daughter and once my divorce finalize, then start dating.

I'm so sorry your ex-husband was an offender. Are you still engaged to the new man? And I definitely don't want a friend with benefit man. I tried that and it never works out. One of us always catches feelings and someone gets hurt.

Well, I just got to get over him. It hurts like hell. Last time someone broke up with me that I loved, it took YEARS to get over, and I was still in my teens. Now I'll been never called back too after hit it and quit it, but that don't hurt nearly as much as I'm hurting right now. Just gotta give it time.

[LaceyTiel in reply to Take_Me_As_I_Am]

Hi SunnyClouds, your mind knows the right answers but your heart will take a little while to catch up. My poor heart moves like an obese snail walking uphill! So I do understand the ache you have right now.

The relationship I has broke up after 10 months after we became engaged. Funny how social media gave me some clues things were not right. We went on a vacation together and all the photos he posted in his albums on FB were the pictures took of him. None of us together and no trace of me at all. I have learned in the past never to jump too quick when you see things amiss. It makes the person you are suspicious about become extra guarded.

I don't often drink and my boyfriend and his mom and I went on a holiday to a sunny and sandy resort. I was spending the day with his mom and my boyfriend just wanted to stay in the little cabin we rented on the beach. Later on in the trip my boyfriend's mom decided to spend the evening in the cabin and my boyfriend and I went out for a drink. We sat down an another girl came over and she was nice. I had seen her around before. My boyfriend and her both started to drink a lot. And I was completely sober. Well the girl was drunk and telling some story and that she had a 'bathroom book' she travelled with to read whenever she had to use the bathroom! Hilarious to drunk people- and oooookay to sober people. Then as she continued to laugh about her infamous bathroom book she kept in her bathroom she grabbed my boyfriend's arm gasping for air between laughs saying that he must of saw it in there...

Why was my boyfriend seeing a book that is in this strangers holiday cabin? Why did she feel is was okay to climb on him and grab his arm when she was telling this story. She was looking at him like she knew him. And when he was also laughing about this incredible work of literature- I could see exactly what was going on.

But I smiled and kept it together. After all I was in a holiday that included his lovely mum. When we finally broke up I never told him I knew what he did. But I always wondered if he knew I knew. I could see he was acting anxious the next morning. He told me a couple evenings later he was not sure if he was ready for marriage. And he was drunk again while he told me about his revelation. Again I was sober. The ink was hardly dry on my divorce papers and I said I wasn't ready either.

I believed in him with all my heart. I swear I dreamt about him every single night for over 6 months when I slept. In each dream he was cheating on me, or just dreams based on some of the actual memorable times we shared when we were in love. I blocked his FB, I deleted all our common friends. He was in remission for Adult Leukemia and had had his sperm frozen in a bank so we could have a baby one day if his cancer treatments made us conceiving a child difficult. Quite honesty he might even be dead right now if the Leukemia came back. But I just moved on with my life knowing the only part he ever will play in my future is just a memory.

Have you thought about keeping a private journal for you to write down and sort out your thoughts? It might be helpful for you. Hope you feel better more and more each day!❤️

[Take_Me_As_I_Am in reply to LaceyTiel]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Yes with the help of my therapist I've deleted him from my social media.

[Hidden in reply to LaceyTiel]

Great reply Lacey Bev x

[Take_Me_As_I_Am in reply to Hidden]

Hi coughalot; I remember u.

Much love

[Hidden]

Hi,

I was married for 9 years and 2 days after my 9th wedding anniversary my husband left. I asked him to leave as over the past year I have been unwell and working with my doctor and a psychiatrist to control my anxiety and depression. My husband stop talking to me and sleeping with me unless it suited him. I am ashamed to say I tried a lot of things to get him to "be" with me.

Anyway I was recommended a CBT program which my husband belittled and also a Stress Control class. I could take someone to the Stress Control class to support me. I explained this to him and he refused to go saying he didn't need stress control, even explaining that I needed the support and someone to know what was being covered to help me at home he refused. So many mixed signals he said he wanted to help, but when i asked he refused and belittle everything I was doing. Anyway I did both courses twice and as my meds settled as well I began to see what was happening. I started working with t psychologist and with her help I was starting to see things clearly. My husband and I have had several conversations about what's happening. Anyway they didn't help and I could feel that although he said he wanted to help that things he was doing were making me worse. I explained this to him and that I needed him to work with what my therapists were getting me to work on. The more open I was with him about what I was doing and working towards the more closed he was and the more he seemed to contradict what I was doing.

I have been doing several things that have helped me that may help you.

I keep a daily dairy of my thoughts. I then complete a thought record.

I make sure I exercise daily.

I am working on eating healthily.

I am working on anger management.

I am working on mindfulness meditation.

I am working on being me and reconfirming who I am.

I am working on me and rediscovering who I am and what my aims in life are.

I have started divorce proceedings and it's not easy.

I am also working on giving myself a break and recognising that I am allowed to make mistakes and I am allowed to be less than perfect as no one is perfect.

The one thing that has not helped me is the shame and doubt I have left over some of the things I have done in the past year. With my psychologist I am working on forgiving myself for those misguided acts and that I need to let them go. The fact that I realised I have made mistakes has shown that I am getting better and now need to forgive myself for those acts and to start thinking of today and the future and to work getting strong.

Take care of yourself and keep working with your therapist. Remember you deserve to be happy and deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. Take time to rediscover yourself and to get stronger and healthier.

Take care and stay strong. Look after yourself.

H.

[Take_Me_As_I_Am in reply to Hidden]

Thank you 20voices; yes I have been concentrating on taking care of me. I'm glad you found ways to take care yourself first as well.

[Hidden]

SunnyCouds and LaceyTiel

That is the most beautiful display of affection i have ever seen strangers show. If only there were more people in the world who were brave enough and kind enough to share their experiences in that way.

The knowledge that others have been through similar things and got through it is what gives strength to others and although i have not been through that it shows the strength women have.

As someone who trained as a counsellor i can 100 % agree on one thing and that is not to get into a relationship until you have worked on yourself first. Its not that you cant get into one but if your not functioning as you should be its a recipe for disaster.

On my course when we were looking into this issue a young man on the group described it in a very simple way using a car as an example and it is simply this. We can all get a car its very simple but it must have an MOT and no matter how many times you take it to the garage and fix the problems that makes it fail if you dont repair all the faults it will never pass.

A bit basic and crude i know but we have to repair ourselves to be able to work properly.

I wish you both well and have no doubt you will both achieve your goals. Keep up with the work with the therapy but most of all keep up your support of others as it will help you heal.

Thank you for sharing x

[Take_Me_As_I_Am in reply to Hidden]

Hi Bagpus thank you for your advice. And I was raised to love one another so I can't help but to show beautiful display of affection even in this twisted world we're living in.

[Hidden in reply to Take_Me_As_I_Am]

Hi Bagpus and Sunnyclouds,

You are right not enough people in this day and age just help people for the sake of helping and the good feeling it gives you. Too many people are so intent about what they can get from helping someone that they forget that it's nice just to be there for someone in need and it feels good to help others.

Even although I am working on fixing me I still can't help it. I was at my archery club last week, supposedly working on my own shooting, but I just had to ask the guy shooting on the same target if he needed help as I could see ways of improving his shooting. That led to me helping fix his bow, doing some coaching and even agreeing to run a little workshop session in the coming weeks to show some of the newer archers in the club how to fix their arrows.

One of the other members of the club who has been great in helping me get back to the club, came up to me shaking his head and whispered to me "You just can't help yourself can you". Meaning that I have always been there for anyone in the club when they have needed help or someone to talk to.

I know it was his way of telling me that it was good to see me back working and mine with other archers, but a gentle reminder that I need to make sure I take time for myself.

I was brought up to care and respect other people and the help out when I can.

I think it's sad that we've lost that and I now recognise that what is upsetting most about my separation is that I have helped my husband a lot since we got married and at the time I really needed his help he wasn't there for me and wasn't prepared to work at keeping our marriage together either.

I truly believe that being a good caring person is the way to be, but sometimes we all need to remember to be kind to ourselves as well.

I found this week, that sometimes people just need someone to talk to and it can be enough help to someone just have a friendly person to listen to them.

I hope everyone is having a good day today.

H.

[Take_Me_As_I_Am]

You are absolutely 100% right!! Just like you, there's still some caring people out there. And if you are born with it, you can't help but to have a caring nature. I used to think I was too nice and it would mess me up in this day and time. Not that I'm perfect, but at almost 40 in a few years, I learned to embrace just who I am.

With that being said, tonight is a bad night. I feel upset and sad because I deserve a whole lot more, I'm just in a situation right now where I just have to be patient and trust in the process.

Much love