Bereavement now I can't be bothered

[Stewart30]

In the past 3 years , my family has been torn apart with bereavements . First we lost my sister who was a rock in the family ( I managed to block her death out ). You see I spent a number of years in HM Forces and its drummed into you to get on with things.

Therefore My Sister had passed and I didn't greaves I day, that started to bother me thinking there was something wrong with me.

Next I lost my brother (who was my best friend) We were together constantly with the exception of being in the forces.

Not only did we see each other everyday, he worked in the same office as me.

15 min before he passed I was speaking to him on the phone arranging to take my dad out the next day, he was fine.. then I got this call to say something was wrong, his partner said he isn't breathing. I was at his house in under 10 min and he was dead.

This death effected me greatly Arguing with my wife blaming everyone else, this went on for months.

Then gradually I was dealing with it , don't get me wrong my wife has found me down at the graveyard at strange hours ... and not a min of the day goes by I think about him..

then 6 months later I found my sister dead in her house, a accident apparently she slipped on a mat in her bathe room and smashed her head off a radiator pipe, which was embedded in her head. Really pleasant, this brought all the memories back for me during my Army day,S. However I still would let it get me down . I had a few scary moments to say the least and so did my wife. Not knowing what I was doing, one night my wife found me in the trees in our back garden. With Army gear on and one of my rifles ..

as if that wasn't bad enough my mother took a massive stroke, " three weeks after my sister was found dead" which she never recovered from, along with my wife and my dad we watched my mum die over a period of 7 days. Now all I do is go to work, come home , go to my bed about an hour after I finish work . Still in the office I shared with my bro, friend and Idol..

I know I put my wife through a torrid time "nothing physical" I just wouldn't and still can't let her in.. I went to my doctor just to please my wife and he gave me some stupid tablet. Never worked. Now I don't care about anything , don't go out, don't socialise.

I know something is wrong but I don't want to waste a doctors time..

help

[WhiteAlice]

A good therapist could help. You need to be able to talk about all of your losses. That's quite a huge burden of grief. Seek counseling help. Let your wife know you're getting help. She sounds like she wants to be supportive. If she can continue being patient, in turn you can be patient with her. If you can start scratching the surface of your feelings, I think she will be there for you. Good luck!

[Goldfish_ in reply to WhiteAlice]

I agree that talking is the way forward. Perhaps with the help of your wife also being involved

[Hols969]

For me the 'can't be bothered' feeling is when I know my depression has come back, I agree with the others to see someone, wow really you have had a sh*t time and my goodness I am surprised you are still sane !!! Shows actually how strong you are, but it isn't weak to ask for help so ask for it and accept it.

I found that antidepressants really helped me, takes a good few weeks for them to work but it brings the light back to the end of the tunnel and the 'can't be bothered' phase does start to be a distant memory. I do think counselling helps, I never thought I would think that but it does, it totally changes your focus and makes things clearer in your mind. Good luck, remember life is too short to feel so down but there is a way forward so grab it, in honour of your brother and sister as well as they would be sad to see you like this I am sure.

And you are NOT wasting your doctor's time, they are their to help and mental health is a huge thing and we all sometimes need a helping hand to get through life so it is nothing to be ashamed about.

[Stewart30 in reply to Hols969]

Sometimes I really don't think I am sain, it's not that I am ashamed to go to my doctors it's that fact I can't see any physical damage. And I am terrified they put me in some hospital and I just get totally lost

[Hols969 in reply to Stewart30]

It is not like the old days thankfully, you wont get put away. That is why there is such a stigma with depression in that you cant see it. If you had a broken leg you would go and get help, it isnt really any different with mental issues really, it is just that you cant see the break. Good luck, go for it. Most of us aren't sane either so dont worry you are not alone

[jennifer1983]

I am so sorry for your loss. That is a lot for one person to handle. I truly feel your pain. I lost my daughter back in 2009. I am not the same person prior to her death. I struggled for many years with deep depression. I feel your pain. Everybody grieves differently but it is a process and for some it takes a long time and what I have realized is what helps for one person may not help for another. For me I joined a grieving group on line . They helped a lot because we all were experiences the something pain, a lost of a child. Just having someone that you can express your pain to helped me tremendously . I needed that connection. There is nothing like sharing your pain with someone with the same pain. I didn't socialize either, and I didn't even want to be around people you could not relate to my pain. After a while people think you should just get over it so I pulled myself away from everyone and just clung to the people who shared my pain. That helped me so much.

Consider joining a bereavement group on line in your town. You are experiencing so much pain and you need to deal with your pain in a constructive way . The pain never goes away completely but it does change after time. I also brought many books on grieving which helped. I surrounded myself with people who were experiencing the same pain and books that comforted me. There are many books out there that helped me, mainly about life after death. George Anderson books. He writes all about life after death. Those books helped me so much .

I wish you peace , love and light.

[Stewart30 in reply to jennifer1983]

I don't think anyone will feel your pain, it's just not right that children should pass before there parents. I will never know what my mother felt, but I know she had enough ..

[Stewart30]

Thank you all for your message of comfort, it really does give me some hope, as you all said the pain never goes away. I realise that is true I don't know about Counciling.. as honestly I am a very private and deep person.. I love my wife so much it hurts at times when I know I am shutting her out. I have made another appointment with my doctor and I have asked my wife to come along with me. I know it's not much but it's a start .. thank you again for all your kind and caring messages ..