Have I got mug on my forhead

[dunston]

When I was younger I could take anything anyone could throw at me but at 75 I can't manage solving peoples problems anymore. No-one wants to hear about my problems but I am expected to hear theirs. I am suffering with nerves because of this. I have tried to ignore problems but all I get is how good I am to help. My home is suffering also my animals cos all I want to do is sleep. I am struggling to do anything but no-one sees this. What can I do. I just am not the type to be rude and tell them all to go away.

[CarolineLondon]

Oh poor you, I do feel for you and I have some pretty selfish friends sometimes. Let them have their say and then say did I tell about what happened to me..... You have a right to be heard if you have to listen to others.

However I don't think this is what this is about, you need to rediscover your joy in life. So slow right down, I always give the same advice someone should shoot me...lol. Resolve to achieve nothing, please no one and merely focus on anything that brings you some happiness.

I maintain we are at our happiest when learning something new, it takes you on a rollercoaster ride and better still you don't need anyone but once you start like minded people come too you. Also its good brain exercise.

So come on there must be something you love and could do alll day or something you want to learn more about. How to make something, History, Philosophy, writing, drawing, learning to dance, play chess....life is full of so much, so much to explore, you simply cant exhaust it!

I know you dont feel great and dont feel motivated so baby steps, start gently looking at things that interest you. Im peddling Jigsaws at the moment, they are a great distraction but dont teach you anything, but I maintain it gives you brain a rest and allows it to chew on other problems.

We are only talking about you making little changes which tend to lead to big changes and more fun. Learn something new and when your moany friends approach you say "Im sorry I do care but I don't have time for that now Im learning Spanish if you wish to share your problems you must speak to me in Spanish!"

Find the magic in life, it's there, you know how to do this you do'nt need me to tell you and talk about your problems here people give great advice and will back you to the hilt!

Sending a HUG and Well done for sharing.

XX

[UnwelcomeVisitor]

Please don't put yourself down as this leads to you being down and in turns lead to depression and feeling extremely tired and exhausted all the time.

I can see by what little you have written about yourself that you have always been a doer and helpful person to others around you which is a compliment in itself.

Something has obviously happened to make you think so negatively. Sometimes we can all look back to our past which for many of us when we were in our prime.

I have been very depressed in my life having suffered from epilepsy for yonks, but the depression really kicked in when I lost my darling wife Lorna and plummeted to the bottom where I remained for a very long time.

I took myself to a counsellor and after a period of analysing myself I realised that negative thoughts only took me down and when you are down the only other way is up.

My advice to you is to put your kettle on for a delicious cuppa, get yourself ready (if you are not already) and simply take yourself out look at life in a more Positive way. Neither of us have lost our sight, we are not deaf or dumb and we still have a good old brain box. We are not on a Zimmer frame or indeed using a wheelchair. We are so, so lucky my friend.

No more feeling sorry for ourselves. Think Positive thoughts all the time. Positive thoughts take us up whereas negative thoughts always take us down.

So come on and start enjoying life again,

Regards

Richard

[dunston in reply to UnwelcomeVisitor]

Hello

Thank you for your kind letter. I too have epilepsy and struggle with athritus. I am going to see if your ideas will work. I have seen the Dr about my problems and all I get is pills so I am going to try to get off my bottom pick up my walking stick and join something. I used to make cards for charity but can't now cos of stiff hands .Thank you so much for your kind letter again

[UnwelcomeVisitor in reply to dunston]

I am so pleased that you have adopted a Positive stance in life.

Like everything in life very few things come into effect immediately, but I cam tell that you are a man who will win the day.

You take care

Kind regards

Richard

epilepsy-theunwelcomevisito...

[angelite in reply to UnwelcomeVisitor]

Thanks for the link,Richard.I seem to have been lucky enough to have escape this particular challenge post illness but am always interested to learn of other's experiences : ) x

[Findingme]

Hi Dunston,

I think that if you have been the sort of person to rise to the challenge of helping people, that is what they will expect. Maybe they also know you appreciate compliments, but if used to pressure you into helping, this is emotional blackmail, and you must not encourage it by responding to them.

There is an art to asking for help, which you have not practiced. It also takes guts to put yourself out there and humility to admit you need others. Are you struggling with this? Please don't go down the line of dropping hints to people who are self-obsessed as that is the route to frustration and failure.

There are lots of people out there who make helping their profession. Can you find someone who has time to hear you? I have heard of organisations which provide help for the elderly who are struggling to look after their pets. Check with your Vet, as they may have details. Why not try something different and attend a Drop In centre, or WI (if female), the Samaritans, social services etc. Hopefully you can meet some more outgoing people who will be happy to help you get back on your feet. Don't be shy, or sit home feeling unappreciated and cross. Go out and live your own life.After all, you probably deserve it after all that helping out others.

Another thing, if you are not where people expect you to be, they cannot ask for help, so you don't need to worry about refusing it. However, there is no law that says that, just because you have helped before, that you are under any obligation to continue to do so.

[hamble99b]

how about

Oh dear! I'd love to be able to stop and listen but:-

I'm just going to/out/etc...

I just don't have a minute at the moment;

my gp has advised me to avoid all stress/problems;

I'm not in a place to help anyone at the moment;

first let me tell you mine...

then you might add

maybe ask me in a few weeks...

All honest & true for you (and me) hope they help.

regards,

hamble

[angelite]

Hi there, Dunston,

The problem I found with being a 'people pleaser' is that demand often exceeds energy and you end up with nothing left for yourself. The trick is to sort out the genuine requests from the boundry takers.I have some incredibly self absorbed neighbours around me that would happily run me ragged/seek my company at every opportunity if I didnot make my boundries clear.With some people it takes a few repetitions of 'No' before they get the message,with others,they never stop trying and the repetition is endless ! It does get easier to stick to your guns with practice : )

Thou shalt not feel guilty for saying no ! At 75,with arthritis,E and your own house and pets to care for you have sufficient to deal with and indeed would benefit from some help for yourself. Constant requests for your time and energy can become overwhelming and cause you to feel trapped/controlled by others. It is your life, not a free for all for everyone else !

My 'do anything for anybody at any hour' attitude changed abruptly after an illness that left me with physical/cognitive probs and fatigue. In some ways it did me a favour and made me see the light ! Your conditions in themselves will contribute to fatigue ( You obviously have pain/reduced mobility ) so I would be citing these issues as a reason for not being as able as you were to fulfil everyone's wishes.

Your friends seem happy to lean on you yet this doesn't seem to work vice versa.

Perhaps,as you say,a new venture-joining a club where you can mix with a different set of people who share your interests.

It might be a good idea to review any meds you are on as some of the side effects may contribute to fatigue.As always,if you do not already take one I would recommend a good vitamin/mineral supplement to ensure your body/brain is getting everything it needs.

Finally,feel free to share your problems on here if you wish-there is always someone listening : )

Kind regards, Angela x

[Wagtail]

I really think you should,if you haven't already go to your GP also perhaps you could also mention to a friend how you feel,