Why?

[AnnieQ]

Why am I here? Other people who want to live get an illness, whereas I am no use to anyone and keep going. My husband and sons would be better off without me. I have tried to be upbeat for the last few days, but what's the point? I am ugly, useless and a bad person. If I wasn't here they could do whatever they wanted.

[Hidden]

Hi Annie you are not alone in thinking this as I think the same. Specially when a lovely person goes whom everyone will miss. I think well it should be me whom no one really wants.

I don't think your hubby and kids would think they would be better off without you as I am sure they love you as much as you love them. This is the depression talking which makes you feel so negative and hopeless.

Have you been to the doctor? Meds and/or counselling might be able to help you.

Bev xx

[AnnieQ in reply to Hidden]

es I have been to the GP. I told him I wanted to kill myself but he said meds were not necessary as he didn't think I had lost all motivation. He has referred me for talking therapy, but I think that will be ages as the waiting list is quite long. I have done some bad things recently and if my husband knew he would probably feel it was better if I was dead. I just drag them down and who needs that in life. They are here for a good time, not a long time.

Thanks for the support. Your reply has made me feel like I am not so along with my thoughts. xx

[secondhandrose2 in reply to AnnieQ]

It's sad that you feel that way but try to remember that it is depression talking. While you are waiting for talking therapy you might see whether there is a counselling service at your GP practice as usually they see people very quickly and you might see them in the meantime for support, alternately you might see whether there is a women's drop in centre in your local town where you might go for support. It is always difficult to wait to start therapy and finding some support in the meantime would enable you to begin to value yourself as much as your family do. xx

[AnnieQ in reply to secondhandrose2]

Good suggestions. There doesn't seem to be much where I live, but I will definitely have a look again whilst waiting. Reading the replies always gives me hope that things will change when people are prepared to share their own thoughts and feelings. x

[Hidden]

Hello Annie

Do not worry you are not alone I feel the same way and believe me the final sanction is not worth trying.

All you will do is confuse your family and cause them nothing but grief and they will never forgive themselves especially your children who would end up with only one parent and an awful feeling for the rest of their lives.

We are not bad people we have a disability that is partly due to a chemical imbalance in the brain. If you need to see the GP go ASAP and the Practice will arrange for you to have some support and understanding.

Remember one in eight has a mental illness sometimes in their lives so you are not alone and depression is a problem that in most cases be treated given time.

You will find on this site many who are suffering as you are and are always there to give support. Remember you are not bad and just need to find a way forward in a very stressful world.

Your family will need you more than most probably realise. You are very lucky to be able to have that support that may need activating a little so they understand these feeling you are suffering from

See your GP and good luck

BOB

[AnnieQ in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for such a lovely, balanced reply. I am lucky to have such support from my family and I hope that in the future I can repay them for that. It was kind of you to take the time to read my message. Good luck to you.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Brilliant reply Bob. Even though it wasn't for me I have read it and I am going to copy and paste this and keep for myself as it helped me just reading this. It is so easy to feel we are bad at the core but to be told it is an illness reduces that blame massively.

Thank you.

Gemma X

[baxie]

Hello AnnieQ, I just want to say that you most definitely are not alone, the responses to you post show you that, we are here for you because we KNOW exactly how you are feeling.

I understand the feelings you have of being " ugly, useless and a bad person", but that is not YOU, that is the illness, that is what it does.

As to your family being better off without you. Please sit down and think of all the things you do for your family, but remember one important thing, they are there because the love you, they would not be better off without you.

It is extremely difficult to get through these situations, but I tell myself that these episodes are part of a cycle, that it is the illness that is thinking this way, not the real me, and sometimes it helps.

I think you should go back to your GP and ask to be referred to someone with an understanding of mental illness, to me your GP doesn't understand the illness. Are there any support groups in your area? If not there is always this forum and there are loads of others that can at the very least offer support.

You have already proved yourself to be a strong person, so stay strong, we are with you, supporting you, as are your family.

[AnnieQ in reply to baxie]

Wow - thank you. Another supportive reply - somehow don't feel I deserve it. I do go through these episodes of depression and then come out of the other side and feel ashamed and weak. My husband doesn't know what to do now - he said he can't cope with me. I suggested one of us move out, but he said he didn't think that would help. I think they need a break from me. Today I wish I was so small no one could see me. x

[Hidden in reply to AnnieQ]

Annie

There is no reason to be ashamed, give yourself a break, sometimes I can be very impulsive especially when I am very low. Sometimes later I remember what I have done and the possible hurt I have dolled out to others especially my wife. We have been together now for over thirty years and has been included in many of my treatments, she knows me and would not want to change the person I am as She sees the person I am and tries to make light of a sudden lapse. Mind I always say sorry and try and make up for my bad behaviour.

We are who we are I suffer chronic pain so when I am bad I can verbally strike out as I feel so much out of control with my conditions especially when climbing the walls in pain. Personally what hurts me is not been able to help as much as I would like so Hazel has given me work in the garden that she will not do so I have my new Orchard of fifteen trees and soft fruits. This gives me a boost and helps me concentrate on a productive activity when I am bad, this helps with more positive thoughts where I can calmly just look after my charges. We always feel more calm when we can pick up a hobby and put it down when a need arises.

Always remember we are who we are and we all need to take each other warts and all.

Try and do something that both you and husband enjoy, make an effort to do something for Him that both of you can just breath and relax, remember it may help you to manufacture family time, you may find the family will enjoy time together, A period of distraction.

If you have not seen the GP go for a chat, they may be able to assist

Good Luck

BOB

[Hidden in reply to AnnieQ]

Annie

There is no reason to be ashamed, give yourself a break, sometimes I can be very impulsive especially when I am very low. Sometimes later I remember what I have done and the possible hurt I have dolled out to others especially my wife. We have been together now for over thirty years and has been included in many of my treatments, she knows me and would not want to change the person I am as She sees the person I am and tries to make light of a sudden lapse. Mind I always say sorry and try and make up for my bad behaviour.

We are who we are I suffer chronic pain so when I am bad I can verbally strike out as I feel so much out of control with my conditions especially when climbing the walls in pain. Personally what hurts me is not been able to help as much as I would like so Hazel has given me work in the garden that she will not do so I have my new Orchard of fifteen trees and soft fruits. This gives me a boost and helps me concentrate on a productive activity when I am bad, this helps with more positive thoughts where I can calmly just look after my charges. We always feel more calm when we can pick up a hobby and put it down when a need arises.

Always remember we are who we are and we all need to take each other warts and all.

Try and do something that both you and husband enjoy, make an effort to do something for Him that both of you can just breath and relax, remember it may help you to manufacture family time, you may find the family will enjoy time together, A period of distraction.

If you have not seen the GP go for a chat, they may be able to assist

Good Luck

BOB

[AnnieQ in reply to Hidden]

Thank you again. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have two sons (14 and 8). I do love them all and that's why I can't understand why I did what I did. But you are right I need to give myself a break. I do lots of baking (and to be honest I'm very good - although I find that hard to say) so I always try to please them with new things to eat. Baking keeps me calm in the same way as your orchard. I will concentrate on more family time. Guess I thought the grass was greener on the other side, but it is definitely not. I am sorry to hear you suffer with chronic pain that must be awful - I get migraines and that's bad enough but probably nothing in comparison. Your wife sounds lovely - you are very lucky in some ways. Take good care. x

[Catmag]

Annie,

You are not alone, not at all. I've read the other replies and there's a lot of support & great advice in them. We are here supporting each other.

I have been where you are. When I get low I get self destructive, not suicidal, but I spend money, which I can't afford to spend. It's like giving myself an excuse to feel really down. But we are all different, depression affects each of us differently. So I'm sure you're not a bad person, it's the depression causing those feelings.

I think your family would be devastated & lost without you. And remember, there's always someone here to talk to.

Take care.

PS I am wee, fat & ugly! (LOL)

[AnnieQ in reply to Catmag]

I bet you are none of the things you put in your PS, because if you are then so am I!! My self destruction was sleeping with another man behind my husband's back a few times recently. Thought it would make me feel good, but just made me feel hollow and used. I knew the man well, in total for 14 years, and he'd been building me up for weeks with the nice comments, etc, and of course now he can just about manage "hello". He must have spotted how vulnerable I was and needy. My husband doesn't know. My bad feelings get compounded when my husband is supportive because I think I don't really deserve it - if he knew what I'd done he hate me and leave. Now all I can do is keep away from other people. x

[Cefn48 in reply to AnnieQ]

Dont blame your self for being a human being we all make mistakes in life and not a lot of people wd just say out loud , what u did sometimes we look for comforf in other people as things feel not right at home it does not make u bad person , just means u need someone to understand how your feeling , u know in your heart what right and whats wrong so please dont say u wd be better of with out u xlife is one big learning curve xxx lots hugs shell xxx

[AnnieQ in reply to Cefn48]

Thank you. I guess I looked in the wrong place because it gave me a sense of freedom being with someone different. I do know what is right and wrong, but ignored that when it suited me. In my heart I'm not bad - just made a bad choice. Hugs to you too. xx

[Cefn48 in reply to AnnieQ]

See u are making sense now xx we all do stuff in our life that hurts us and others x and thats why were all here to tell the tale x dont beat your self up about it were all aloud to make mistakes xxxx lots love shell xxx

[AnnieQ in reply to Cefn48]

I am seeing sense because people like you bothered to point it all out to me. It all means so much to have support from people who know what it's like. x

[Cefn48 in reply to AnnieQ]

O ive been there and worn the t shirt lol xx your not alone I promise xx hugs shell xx

[AnnieQ in reply to Cefn48]

My t-shirt should say "Look how easy it is to f**k with your head by sleeping with the wrong man despite having a lovely husband"!! Take care, xx

[Cefn48 in reply to AnnieQ]

Annie x ive done the same thing as u belive me same thing someone turned my head I lost it I sleeped with them x ive lived with the giult too x see your not alone there is lots of us out there xx

[Cefn48 in reply to AnnieQ]

Did dont make u a bad person in my eyes just lost your way for a moment xxxx chin up ok xxxx

[AnnieQ in reply to Cefn48]

Thank you for saying it doesn't make me a bad person. I lost my way too and thought this chap was the answer. I knew he was a womaniser and couldn't be trusted but it was exciting and stopped me thinking about my depression. Sadly, after the high of being with him I suffered extreme lows of guilt and shame. Still that has ended now and it is time to grow up and move on. He was an experience which I won't repeat and I have to learn from. Take good care of yourself, xx

[Cefn48 in reply to AnnieQ]

Hey u too u ever what too talk please do dont bottle it it up ok xxx im here its allways nice to have someone to natter too shell xxx

[Cefn48 in reply to Cefn48]

And us welsh love to natter lol xx

[AnnieQ in reply to Cefn48]

I love nattering too. Same here if you want to talk get in touch. Thanks for yesterday - it really helped. xx

[Cefn48 in reply to AnnieQ]

Thank u hope in have a gd day im so glad its friday xxxx shell xx

[Catmag in reply to AnnieQ]

Annie,

There will always be the users of the world, they are not worth your time. We all make mistakes, I think you need to remind yourself that you are ill, just because there's no outward sign, doesn't make your illness any less valid.

It's important to be kind to yourself. I believe you should chalk what happened up to experience and try to put it behind you. If you are anything like me, you sabotage yourself because you think you're worthless. But you are very worthwhile.

I recently shared something with the pain management psychologist I have been attending. She approved of my approach - I keep this by my pc, I hope it helps.

Remind yourself everyday:

You are not letting anyone down, don't feel guilty.

You are not worthless you have value.

Take care,

Catherine.

[AnnieQ]

I will keep that on my fridge. I feel worthless and I guess that's why I let someone like him into my life - but I have gone cold turkey and avoid him like the plague. I am too vulnerable to be near him at the moment. I guess I am learning lots about myself and need to get back on track. It will be good to go to Talking Therapy and get it all out in the open. Thank you for your kind replies through the day - it has helped enormously and I feel much better that I did earlier. Haven't cried for at least a few hours now!!!

Annie xx

[elaineanne1]

Just look at what you are good at and you are so lucky to have a family who care for you, you have brought up two boys, have tried going to a depression group or even a craft group I find beong with people helps and they mostly understand.

[AnnieQ in reply to elaineanne1]

Good advice. Thank you. Yes, I am lucky and need to appreciate that. x