I cant remember how I felt when I woke up, but as I climbed out of the shower this morning I couldnt stop crying. It abated long enough for me to catch the tram to town and find my way on foot (eeek) to my first appointment... my very first one-to-one therapy session. As I spoke so much stuff came pouring out, all disorganized, like hundreds of books falling off a shelf almost at once. I cried through that in parts as well...not something I do in public either... but then... I've never been in a position to spend an hour telling someone that amount of information in one large download.
Honestly I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I know I don't feel any better for blurting all that shpeel out, possibly because she said nothing through out the session except our times up, wrote only two sentences on her pad.
I covered everything from not being wanted as a child and my husband (ex) of ten years abusing me and cheating to my low self worth, hopelessness and how I hate my body to the point I don't like looking in the mirror and have no recent photos of myself.
Felt weird and hollow ever since. Guess I thought it was going to help or feel like some sot of release... but it didnt , and I dont feel any better. Not sure it did anything for me..... only the first one i suppose... so Im not going to quit yet.
BUUUUUUuuut I went and i suppose thats a positive.... a weak positive but still good i suppose.
Not feeling very positive this evening....apart from meds, and therapy im not sure what direction to go in...personally i mean.
I feel hollow and blank and nothing excites me like it used to. The meds are only a tool and at some point ill have to come off them..... theyre only there to help me take that step forward and start that fresh new life..... but somehow i feel like i havent started it yet...and i dont know where to start.
I want to be happy again, i want to be passionate about things and places, I want that lit up feeling i used to have, I want to laugh, i want to not look like a dogs breakfast......erm a lottery win would be nice while im wishing...i just cant seem to manage it, and im not sure entirely why.
I lack direction. I don't know what I want anymore... maybe too many years of people telling me...or maybe im just scare of taking a step forward and no one being around to say well done.... just a sea of criticism. And i don't think i can take any more of that. perhaps thats whats holding me back.... being tired of 'being me' and no one liking any of it. \When you keep changing and editing yourself to please too many people.... I think you loose bits of yourself... maybe what i am and feel now is the shell of whats left over after youre all gone (thats how i feel....all gone) ....and youve actually pleased no one. Because the people who you cant please by being yourself.... were never going to be pleased.
I need to concentrate on myself and the people who mean everything to me right now.... but its hard.
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Sometimes therapy sessions can make people feel worse initially, but in the long run they feel better. I think quite a lot of people feel low or hollow straight after a session as you'very been talking about very painful stuff. Maybe the therapist realised early on that you needed to just kind of brain dump everything out into the open so she just let you talk, and she'l focus things more in the coming sessions.
You can and will feel better about yourself in the long term, just stick with the treatments. It'll probably just be a long process of gradual improvement rather than a Eureka moment. Try not to think too much in terms of good or bad, depression is incredibly skilled at convincing you everything is the latter - just keep going and slowly you'll see noticeable changes in the way you act - least that's how it was for me. If at all, I tried to think of good and bad in these terms - it's a day, I made it through it, therefore it was a good day. That helped me a lot. I tried to focus as well on how I felt about myself rather than what other people might think about me - concentrate on what you have control over.
Keep letting us know how you're getting on with the therapy
Been there done that although you may not know what you have done or haven't done the thing is to just keep going at the back of your mind you feel your self getting worse but you have to keep telling your self that you are worth more than you give your self credit for how ever you see your self.... This has to be about the easiest way of letting feelings out because people can read an leave comments how ever you need to talk to me also as in person because I am beginning to think your not bothered an I am wondering now I don't want to say to much on here because it's not good now but crying is good also its a healing process your body has had enough and wants to feel good like say when you was 20 or 23 an so on all that abuse from him took its toll but the fact of this is your beginning to see and also beginning to notice how you felt an didn't feel now that's got to be I would say looking back on how I felt years ago not knowing what was what it what I had done or if I left the house an left the door unlocked I now still feel like that at times but it took me 3 years to get like I am an I was on sertraline 150mg you know deep down your self what you want to feel maybe it's all this talk of doing those websites an stuff that's bringing memory's back of him an the way he treated you an the kids how ever I don't do that I will stick to my guns an if a child does wrong I will punish them for it like PS3 time how ever having a games console an not letting your kids on it is going to make that react your setting them up to fight you (YOU) been naught and not listening I have tried helping you but get it thrown back in my face so I stopped I will not stand for naughty children lets just say you have seen your self when a certain some1 said she wanted to stop here because your mean or she says you not treating her right the way I see this is say like yesterday when I told her I had trick sweets in my house and she was crying an I asked her why you crying you jumped in an said was it a feeling your putting words in her mouth I have told you before about this so I am taking a back seat again. there is what I call strickt an then there is what I call not been strickt in your case. Oh an Liz talk to me about your Worry's whats bothering you I td you how to make sure no one can find you again name change am so on I can only advice but if you want the help its there look at what I did other week love you x now that's big for me to do on here Liz xx
It definitely sounds like you've been holding so much inside for a very long time. In that case therapy may help you in the long run. I recently just had my first therapy session as well. It did not go as expected. I kind of wish I had spilled my guts like that and got everything out. I also feel like a boiling pot that's been overflowing for too long. Still have so much inside that I need to voice. Hoping my next therapy session goes well. I'm sure that overtime you may even enjoy having someone to talk to. And therapists are there to help. Your therapist should have your best interest in mind and should have tools for helping you find some direction and closure. Just be sure to tell your therapist what would help most. It takes time for two people to get to know each other. So my next therapy session I plan to tell my therapist that I'd like to do most of the talking. And once I feel that I've gotten it out, talk about tools for moving forwards.
Anyway, hope this is helpful. And I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. I can only imagine the emotions you are describing. But I do have empathy. I've felt deep deep pain myself and it can be hard to know where to start and how to find yourself again. You are started in the right direction. I suggest you stick with therapy for a bit and see of it helps you get some footing again. I hope you will be able to resolve these feelings of turmoil inside you.
Wishing you the best!
Mary
Thank you for this post, I love your style of writing which has struck some chords with me. I have a tendency to yoyo up and down a bit with depression, especially over the last few years as life seemed to change so much and I found myself alone unable to actually want to meet new friends anymore.
One of the worst things was feeling a little like an empty shell, not knowing where to go from here and slowly loosing the will to become positive again. I still had a few things around me which I was passionate about, but not enough to keep me going sometimes.
Then reading your post made me realise I do want to get some of the old me back again! I don’t just want to move on in life and survive what years I may have left, I want to be who I once was, not what I looked like or that side, but the energy and enthusiasm I once had for life, the adventurous side of me that once threw caution to the wind. Figured out what it was I wanted to do and then did it.
It’s strange how we surround ourselves with material memories into a comfort zone where we feel safer at times. These things themselves are nothing, it’s the memories they hold which are everything. Those you still have when you think of your lost belongings, and you will end up collecting more as time goes by, each again filled with new memories. Maybe just do something small for the flat as a start to putting your mark as home? Armed with a small tin of paints and a brush, you can create wonders! I remember once I was in love with wisterias, so went in my bed room, started with a blank wall and hand painted a wisteria all around the room to my hearts content, I only had a few colours to play with and used a cut out sponge to make the leaves look translucent and real. I never thought I was artistic, just like to try things, everyone else seemed to love the effect in that room and others I got crazy ideas with, not that their opinions really mattered much (but where lovely to hear), it was the therapeutic value of being creative that helped me so much I think.
We don’t all want to be creative I know, but there is always something that we all would like to do usually, having children around is one of the best things to bring out some of those desires, having the opportunity to do things with them that we perhaps would have liked to imagined our childhood could have been like if our parants had been different?
Self confidence is a strange beastie! In the past I have lost weight, got fit, bought new cloths and felt good! but the strange thing is I think it’s sometimes possible to re-find that confidence in just acceptance, well maybe as long as I don’t look in a mirror! I don’t mean acceptance in shape and form that's important, but the for life, for doing anything and then being content with ourselves. At collage years ago once I was talking to class mates (as a mature student then) and describing the joy I had got out of washing the floor!! (yes very odd i know, and I am not a fan of housework) Half the class agreed and we had a lovely debate about it, a few couldn’t wait to get home and practice on theirs! And we all had a good laugh at the time. it was all about our feelings at what we are doing, not the chore itself if that makes sense? Mohamed Aly once said, he didn’t think it mattered what he was going to become, all that mattered was he was going to be the best at it as he could, if he was going to be a dustbin collector, then he wanted to be the best darn collector with the biggest smile that he could be! It just turned out he had a talent for boxing.
Reading your post I can see you will get your old self back again, just as I know that I can work to get my drive back again each and every time I loose it! Depression can be a soul destroyer when we believe we truly have lost something, when in truth it’s just hiding somewhere burried deep inside us just waiting to escape again, to make a stand, to say, yes life can be difficult, but I choose to do it this way and will learn from each mistake I make, no matter how many I make along the way.
No matter how each day turns out, try to start each one with a little hope that you are doing what you want to do for that day for as many things as you can, to get yourself through it.
Hi you come across as an open and honest person and the fact you were able to tell the therapist your life story is a positive plus for you I think as so many people struggle with being too defensive to ever face themselves. What i am saying is that even though you feel pretty awful at the moment I would say you have a very good chance of working your way through your issues as you seem able to allow yourself to experience things and you are in touch with your feelings.
I hope that over time your therapy will be a great benefit and growth process for you as you sound like a really nice person who deserves good things for the future.
Thank you for sharing as it feels a priviledge to me when people share their experiences in such an honest way as you have done on here. Gemmalouise X
Well done for deciding to begin therapy, that's a brave decision. It sounds from her silence as though your therapist may be psychoanalytic and that you felt safe enough with her to blurt out everything you needed her to know, that you needed to know she would be able to cope before engaging in further work with her. The fact that you did that and that she stayed with you and did not try to make you feel better in any way is a very good sign that you will be able to work together - you might find it difficult be I think it likely she will be able to help you, so do stick with it - and give yourself a much deserved pat on the back
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