So i feel i have no where else to turn and maybe this is the safest place to talk,not alot of people understand..
So the title pretty much explains where im going with this post
Living with manic depression is extremely hard to deal with, i cant find any medication that suits me. Ill be ok for a week or so then BAM..im sure my hormones have alot to do with it to. But when this happens, i become so emotional, extremely sensitive,aggressive,tearful and not a very nice person to be around. I seem to take everything the wrong way. I become paranoid,jealous,so hateful,all these old memories that upset me come flooding back,and im surrounded by all these bad thoughts and feelings,my body becomes like a dead weight,and all i want to do is die...of course, no one wants to be around me when im like this, but this is when i really need someone..but by this time ive told everyone i love, that i hate them and that i want nothing to do with them and there all conspiring against me.
Now theres a part of me that can see how crazy that sounds, but there is clearly a part of me that believes it. Do you have any idea how soul destroying it is not to know the difference between reality and your own madness. (Well im hoping some of you will otherwise im going to feel really alone lol) But the doctors will say im sane because i can see that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling it? Also it makes it very easy for my (ex)partner or family to manipulate a situation and say its me, im overreacting,its in my head, im crazy. Its not fair..
Im so caught up in 2 minds,that they all dont care, but there is a small part that thinks maybe im wrong but never lasts for long then its back to u dont care...round and round and round. I cannot hold down any form of relationship..nor can i keep 1 frame of mind for longer than a week or so.
Also i have M.E, this makes you fatigued,exhausted,weak,muscle pain,back pain
...the symptoms are actually never ending so thats a brief idea. This means my quality of life right now is extremely poor..Im in ALOT of pain every day. Getting to the toilet is a struggle..what makes it worse is that im only 28.. i became extremely ill 2 years ago after taking amitriptyline. I personally believe it has given me toxic polyneuropathy, but my doctors wont help me. And ive been to ill to do anything about,well i dont no what to do. I cant get to the doctors much because i am so ill. They wont give me the tests i ask for.. and i dont have the money to go private. Ive been without heating, food, all because i didnt have the strength to get to the shops. my life is hell!
what is even sadder is that i have a beautiful daughter,she is 8. she doesnt live with me since i became ill after the amitriptylene. My mum has been looking after her, and i dont like it. I want my baby back..but i know i cant give her the life she needs. I can barely dress myself..
So...basically i would like to end my life, i cant be a mother anymore, i have no quality of life, the only time i go out is to struggle to get some food, i cant get on with anyone,no one seems to understand me, no doctors want to help me..whats the point?
You are preaching to the converted here many of our sufferers here will understand what you are going through, I myself suffer from RA and that makes me so very,very tired and I become listless and exhausted.
My depression like yours is Manic/Reactive as I am always in chronic pain so you are not alone. We seem to become insular and find it hard too suffer people who I feel wish me harm,sometimes I can be very quiet, then I can change to being sad and angry and become a loner.
Throughout my life I have been through many unpleasant periods with family and friends, sad we seem to be picked out in a crowd as having an illness although sometimes it can be us being over critical of our feelings. That seems part of the territory. Personally I Iike my own company as I have been hurt many times now and yes I tried to take my life and rushed to hospital where the attitude of the Staff is not what you would expect, so believe me it is not worth it as all we do is upset everyone and for a time can make matters worse.
Personally I have suffered depression of and on for the last 40 years and now I will be taking medications now for the rest of my life. Yes I am married, no children caused by a severe childhood and I have my Collie dog Pax who understands me better than I do myself.
You do not need to say sorry regarding your condition At least you know or think your mad although to be honest you are more sane than many walking around the streets as they seem to hide it better than we do.
So do not feel bad about this condition, your GP will find a medication that works for you with persistence.
Most people suffer from this complaint have a chemical imbalance in the brain and it can be suppressed or cured so do not worry.
Remember you are not alone as some one here is always ready for a chat. Personally I feel the sane are mad and the mad are sane. Technically most people on this world have some sort of mental Health problem.
So do not worry
BOB
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Thank you bob for your response, it does help knowing im not alone..and i can talk freely without fear of someone calling me names. That just causes me to become more frustrated more angry and more isolated..which pushes me into an even deeper depression of delusional thoughts.
Medication is a big problem, due to my ME not alot suits me..2 years ago around the time i got really ill i decided to go for it with the anti depressants and try everything until i found one that helped. I went through about 8 and it was pure hell...There hasnt been one so far i didnt get side effects from that were livable. In fact some of them made me even more suicidal, or wanting to harm others. I have asked to be re-referred back to my local mental health team, hoping maybe i could try mood stabilizers? But im sure ill only get there to be told im not crazy enough..and left to deal with the crap by myself again.
And i completely agree everyone has mental health problems, some worse than others but we still all have them. Just some people are very ignorant to it..Its amazing, mental health is a massive thing, it has a massive impact on everyones life yet so little money is put into it..so little research..so little facilities available for something every person on this earth deals with...huh but we have plenty of money for bombs. That is very annoying..to put it politely.
And they call me crazy :):
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Hello Depressed
Remember we all need to be comfortable in our own skin. Eventually they will find something that works with you. I waited for near on three years just to function with effective medications that did not blow my mind and others to treat my Chronic Pain
We on site here look forward to hearing from you for support. This site gives all a place to chat with like minded people
There are lots of people here who understand that feeling. Many times since my Mum died I've had moments of feeling like no one understands me, and that being dead would be a whole lot easier than being alive. I don't have any solutions for you I'm afraid, but maybe just to know that you're not alone might be of some comfort to you tonight?
It does help.Theres nothing worse then having all these feelings, and feeling like you cant tell anyone because you know how they will all react. If i tell someone i feel suicidal, im looking for help not grief. But thats all i seem to get.. So i am grateful i am atleast not alone and there are some people that understand what im going through..
Really sorry to read your story - do understand the madness - I went through periods of minor psychosis in 2012-2014. My problem was a B12 deficiency which I'm now managing to treat for myself and free of depression for first time in decades.
There is a lot of overlap in symptoms between B12 deficiency and ME and unfortunately it isn't uncommon for people to be misdagnosed. B12 deficiency is treatable and symptoms will reverse if treated early and aggressively enough - it isn't an expensive condition to treat - I mention it because I don't know if it is something that has been explored with your doctor and ruled out already. There's a whole class of neuropsychiatric symptoms as well which means that misdiagnosis as bipolar also happens
I suffered years of depression and had got to the point last year where I really didn't want to go on at all but getting the B12 sorted has totally changed things for me.
You can get more information on B12, particularly in relation to mental health here
Its interesting you mention B12 deficiency, a few years ago i had to have b12 injections, and there is also a history pernicious anemia in the family. Probably a good idea to get my b12 levels checked again..
I have had M.E since age 6, also had neutropenia which is a low white cell count so i had to have many tests to check it wasn't cancer. The neutropenia disappeared after 4 years..they thought the M.E went with it. But its incurable so they undiagnosed me with M.E age 10, and i was re-diagnosed around age 25 again...
Also i do suffer from physcosis...I have since age 18, i was set up..and stuck in a flat for a couple of days while i was mentally torched. Pretending they would tie me up and alsorts..i was to scared to leave incase it really made them want to get me. I eventually left on the 3rd day..but by then i was hearing voices. I had taken drugs...2 very close friends of mine died in the same week..i just wanted to escape...well ive never been the same since...
But thank you very much for the advice, i shall definitely look into the b12 thing
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I think you may have hit the nail on the head.. im looking at all the symptoms..lately i have been more ill then ever which of course is adding to my suicidal thoughts.
My vision is getting bad,my brain is slower than usual, my balance is off, ive had ringing in the ears,there is something wrong with my tongue and has been causing me pain a while(did tell my doctor because cancer was my first thought & i also have inflammed neck lymph nodes over 10 months now and he laughed at me). Ive had serve stomach pains, every time i eat my stomach goes mental,and the pains may continue for hours. I definitely have physcosis which is alot worse lately....i think i have a b12 deficiency...!!!! It would explain all of these problems.
A B12 deficiency happens because you aren't able to absorb B12 from your diet - PA (an autoimmune response) is one cause and it does tend to run in families - because the problem is absorption it will return unless supplementation - mainly by injections - is continued so I'm really sorry that your injections didn't continue - they should have done. Unfortunately B12D isn't really on a lot of medics radar and knowledge is often quite poor.
Really suggest that you join the PAS forum on here - you will get lots of support from people who have been in the same boat.
PA often occurs with other autoimmune problems so it isn't unusual for people to have quite complicated combinations of conditions.
Some ME and MS patients respond well to treatment with B12 - it plays an important part in maintaining the lining around nerve cells which is one of the issues in both conditions so even if you do have ME as well B12 could help with the symptoms.
Hope that you manage to get a solution and feel better soon.
Know that I get grumpy and anti-social if my B12 levels drop
I really feel for you and understand so a little of what you're going through I've been on antidepressants for 10 years years and I don't suppose I will never come off them. You seem to be a very intelligent, articulate wisewoman for 28 years old clearly you love your daughter and you want her back which is lovely you need to go back to your doctor and you need to tell your doctor that you need help you refuse to back down whether it's medication or therapy - keep a mood diary for a weeek and present to your doctor? my sister suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, it took her three years to get diagnosed this mental health issue. I don't know what medication she takes I just know that it was a traumatic period in her life that brought it on she never taken drugs it was a deep depression that sent her over the edge. Please don't do anything silly - think of your daughters pain at losing you. It's the only thing that stops me from getting my wings. Your a mummy. So am I. You did the right thing looking for support on this site xxxx we all here with demons hun xxxxx
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