Death.

[Humphrey42]

bright, intelligent, rational. Yet I want think about dying pretty frequently. WHY. Realised no importance in my job- realised this over the last20 few years. I'm 44 last 20 years utterly pointless. Next 20 means to a pension my colleagues are the walking dead. . Family. Last 20 years death father grandparents, mother is going to die, no hope no children. Failed relationships for the last 20 plus years. An interesting fact. I returned to work, A boss who left within 3 months. A HR advisor who left within a month of our 1st meeting. Nice.

[sarm]

Heya. No matter how pointless things seem you can find meaning. Nature itself holds meaning. Im so terribley sorry u are losing your family. But im sure they would want u to continue living. If u hate ur job y not think about doing something to help people. Helping others is very meaningful whether its as a job or volunteer work. These are just random sugguestions. But who knowsnin ten years u may have a kid in ur life. Dont give up . At the age of 44 you still have plenty of time to change whT u arent happy with and give ur life meaning. Whatever u decide to do I want u to know that someone as in touch with their emotions as u has loads to offer the world. You are important. X

[Gambit62]

Loosing close friends and family is hard. I spent years feeling that I really didn't want to go on after my father died ... and your mother being so ill is really difficult.

On one level it is quite natural that you are spending a lot of time thinking about dying. I think there is a loop that the brain gets into and the thoughts of dying may not necessarily be about wishing to be dead so much as a rather primitive part of your brain trying to tell you that you are under stress ... it's that bit that looked after us when we were living in caves and would send us an image of a bear that would kill us to encourage us to escape from danger. However, our lives have moved on but the brain hasn't adapted that quickly so the responses to stress dangers often aren't very helpful.

I found that meditation helped me with dealing with the thoughts of death which I still get when very stressed (generally menstural ... though to be honest discovering that I had problems absorbing B12 and finding ways of keeping my levels really high has been the biggest help as I need that to be able to cope with stress properly.

[skywalker]

I'm nearly 49 and have started to study Reflexology, I wanted to do something meaningful for myself and other people. The studying keeps your mind busy away from negative thoughts. Once qualified you can work for yourself and make your own rules.... meet people... I'm looking forward to it, should ward off the dark clouds that ascend quite a lot..... life can be much better, but you do have to be strong and work at it. making new changes and challenges can be tough, but hopefully it may improve your life....

[Hidden]

Hi Humphrey, how I wish I could think of something inspirational to pick you up! Can’t though, as only you are in a position to do that one so all that I can hope is that it will soon come for somewhere and you can re-think your life.

It’s such a difficult time with even just the thought of loosing the person closest to you at the moment, if the tables were turned however it would also be devastating. Many parents have lost their children before them and just feel robed, it’s just not meant to happen, but sadly it does.

Try to think of this as more a mid life crises maybe? I am now in my sixties and really don’t feel as old as I think you sound sometimes? I hope I’m wrong and you sometimes feel much younger, as so much can still happen in your life that you perhaps could dream about, if it’s how you would like it to be? I think I spend most of my working day dreaming of what I can do once I escape this mad house! I end up having to put some music on to bring me back to what I am supposed to do here , maybe think of anything you can that can help you make the job a little more comfortable to bear?

The last two replies are also so very good here there really is so many things in this world to try and find interest in? try writing down as many you like the sound of as you can, don’t think about what is possible at this stage just put them down, then go back over them and put what is stopping you trying them, how you could maybe get nearer to trying something and what would help you try? include simple pleasures like names of films, books or anything short that appeals to you as well as things that take a lot more effort, like sports and learning something new.

There are very few people that have managed to get through this life without some failed relationships, so sometimes you have to get them where they belong, which is in the past, so when you recall them you can just try to remember the happy episodes not the worst ones, it takes a lot of practice, but the happy memories are there as well, all mixed up with the painful ones, we just have to regain control of our own minds sometimes.

Even with all this you will always have days when thoughts of your own demise can be very strong, but don’t let it stop you living, make a stand and say, yes I wish I could pass GO and collect the 200! But that’s maybe not going to happen today, so I will make the most of what is and look for something to make me smile.

Copeing with depression makes things so very much harder, but not impossible, just remember the old saying (one which we all just to have in our offices when I was younger) 'The impossible we do at once, but the miricles take a little longer' just keep believing in them xxx

Lots of Hugs to you xxxxx

[emms]

hi, I also cant stop thinking about death.

[Hidden in reply to emms]

Hi emms, have you tried finding something else to think about? Sometimes you have to accept that your mind comes back to this subject, but each time acknowledge it and then have a plan of action to think of something else.

[emms]

no im finding it very difficult at the moment to think about anything else, I cant even open my curtains, eat, sleep, get dressed, its there all the time

[Humphrey42 in reply to emms]

Are you feeling any better?

[Hidden in reply to emms]

Hi emms, Sorry to here you are in such a dark place at the moment. Try hard to put on some nice music in that dark room, and maybe even try a little aromatherapy? Then slowly even though you can’t draw those curtains or get out of bed, you can listen to something soothing until you are better able to focus on music and smells, rather than the thoughts in your head.

Often there really is no quick fix, but you can come out of this, but have to be the one to make that first step for yourself and then learn how to even give yourself both love and compassion. This is not going to be an easy road for you to follow, but you can nevertheless work towards it xx. Why? Because you are worth it, you are much more than you feel at the moment, just as the world is much more than sadness and unhappy memories. Life really isn’t that long in the scheme of things, but if we have a life it seems we perhaps own it only to ourselves to look for a means to live it as best we can?

Lots of Hugs to you xxxx

[Hidden in reply to emms]

I feel exactly the way you do. I thought I was the only one. It also interferes with everything and I cant function. Reply back to me so we can talk.

[emms in reply to Hidden]

hi, yes its getting worse for me / or better as I know I may be able to die soon as its getting colder, but im so isolated, even when I want to speak to someone there is no one anymore, as my nurse, and support worker and social worker have all gone. Which means I shouldn't be in this state, and my house shouldn't be like this, and I should be able to do normal things like wash and dress, but all I can do is cut, cry, and phone the Samaritans. But its so hard explaining everything from the start each time I phone, not like when I had a nurse

[Freedom2be]

Well then maybe it is about time to change something in your life. You don't need to think about the following 20 years, you know.. think about now. What could you do now, to feel happier tomorrow? What is it in your heart that you trully desire? What have you done to accomplish it? I don't think you want to die, I don't think that you see it as a solution. I think that you simply want to feel alive. Let go of you pointless past as you call it. Live now. Do something crazy, something that will pump blood in to your head. Go skydiving, clubbing, riding-anything.... just do something. I did and I am happy that I did, cause I am alive now.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi Humphrey I have noticed you posting up from time to time on here when you are having these sorts of thoughts about yourself. It seems that you get like this and post then manage to temporarily pick yourself up but keep getting "stuck" with the same sort of feelings over and over.

You say yourself that you are intelligent and bright. I feel what you are pointing out there is that actually you have a lot going for you but you still can't make life work for you and you feel terrible and like dying sometimes. Your emotional life experiences have made life difficult for you and make you feel incomplete and unhappy. It seems as well that you get very triggered by loss like the loss of people at work and so I'm wondering it you feel this has been a constant theme for you and whether it is something you could talk to someone about professionally?

You did also say before about drinking and how you had followed your father's habit in this way but realised that it was making your symptoms worse. I wonder if this is still what is happening with you? Do you maybe go to the pub to try and feel better but then it brings the very worst of your depression out? I don't know this and it is just a suggestion and something for you to think about.

I do feel that some professional counselling could help you understand and get a little clearer on what is happening for you. What are your thoughts on this and how are you feeling today Humphrey?

Gemma X

[gardengnome]

i've been thinking about your post on and off over the last two days, it does have the feel of looking in the mirror of how my head was about a year ago.

Yes people leave, and there is generally nothing we can do about it. Last year i was regularly wandering around my parents house, and wandering what sentimental items i would choose when the time came for them to pass away, and anticipating family squabbles over furniture or pictures, to be honest most of my thoughts had gotten increasingly morbid.

workmates move on for their own reasons, and relationships fade out, i had better not make too long a list or i shall get weepy. ---- some of your own posts talk about making a choice about how we feel, and how we deal with what life creates, , the choice is not so easy to make when depressed, , , , ,

Not sure where i am leading with this, i did some two positive posts you wrote, in the inbetween times when i get relief i do tackle the ideas i've read from cbt which i think you do too, for myself the self help ideas do help, but yes the challenge is putting them into practice in the worst times, esp when i am almost paranoid, , , , and to be honest meds have been a life saver for me.

No Meaning? Importance? Are they concepts to taunt ourselves with, a self imposed pain? like throwing around words like ugly and fat, Some words could do with wiping out altogether, like : ought / could / should, some of the worst words in the dictionary !!!!!!!!!!

i'm rambling a bit now maybe post back later

[Humphrey42]

20's OK. 20s-30's Failed relationships, increasing sense of how my job meant so little, so little value. Tried to change with a degree but went back to finance./accts. Applied to PGCE failed not heart in it. Children, workload, stress. Did 10 weeks volunteering realised how shitty teenagers were and how much teachers do. Combined with seeing so family members die, and yet no renewal, birth, children, no long term relationships its hard to find a reason to leave, No real focus, meaning. I had a week off this week, best thing I could do is get 2 weeks off and make some serious change. I haven't been happy since I was 12. Life has been a struggle in varying degrees since then.

[Travis777]

Thoughts of death mean changes will happen in time.Death really means death to your old life and things always change nothing is permanent.Iwish you all the love when things change. Travis777