Over the last few weeks i have been busy with several jobs at once and to be honest I was beginning to flag. and with some of my problems I was beginning to feel that a hole in the garden may be a good idea.

My condition is basically a one of dread and I sometimes wonder where I could find a way out. I ended up on You Tube looking at Victorian Death Photographs , god only knows why. Eventually I sat down and tried to understand why I was doing something that in most occasions would be rather weird.

Eventually I came to a conclusion that I was trying to harden myself to a natural state of affairs and it was me wondering what if.???. I suppose you will most probably think I am at that time being a very strange person, possibly I am. All I saw was a vacant husk surrounded by flowers, nothing there, nothing to see and all that is shown is no where else to go, gone ??.

We all need to understand that, even when we are a strong , religious person.

Ok I feel I was dwelling on something that could happen to me or someone who cares for me, I ask myself what if no-one was there to look after me and my closest person was dead in a photograph, like what I had just seem. I came to the conclusion that the disruption that would be caused to my wife would prove to be very disruptive and would set her back so badly if anything happened. Although also what if she was to die where would that leave me ??

I suppose now, I understand life is for living and to experience life. The dead have finished lives Course and I have still a great deal to learn.


6 Replies

  • Hi Bob

    Good to hear from you.

    You are right we have to keep going in life. Not easy at all, but be kind to yourself


  • Bob,

    It is very brave to consider your own mortality, most of us try and avoid that but at times it is inevitable. You are a keen gardener, when your health allows I know, and the change of seasons between the ebullience of summer and the start of autumn causes me to pause and reflect. The fruit, berries, and the start of things over ripening and starting to decay. As Hannah says it isn't easy but you recognise life is for living.

    Take care of yourself

    Sarah xx

  • Thanks for your post Bob.

    Jonathan Sacks, the Chief Rabbi at the time, was asked what he thought about death and the afterlife and replied that he actually tended not to think about it because he'd go mad if he did trying to understand it :) Its something that you certainly can't understand rationally/logically but you can get some emotional insights. Think there is a sense of calm that comes with those moments when you are in touch with your own morality in the way you describe above.

    How is the mobility now - are you starting to get over the effects of the fall and back to being able to do things in the garden?

  • Hello Gambit

    My knee seems to have settled now although the bruise is still at the back of it and is slow to disappear. the garden has taken a bit of a knock and sad to say Hazel has been carrying the weight when it comes to looking after it. i am slow although now it seems that all is falling into space.I long for the winter so I can sit back and plan for 2015

    Thanks for asking, all ok on your end ??


  • Yes - feel a bit of a fraud on here in a way as the depression does seem to have been resolved by the super-doses of B12 :). Get stressed at times - and work is a pain but wouldn't say I was depressed ... and the bouts of getting really stressed out are hormones - which sort of makes it a bit easier to put it on one side.

    Aware that i get a bit melancholic when the weather isn't good at the moment - find the equinoxes bring back lots of memories of my dad and I miss him a bit but certainly not the way I did in the spring. Wish it was as easy for everyone as it has been for me.

  • Hello Gambit

    Be kind to yourself, as few will be kind and understanding. Your best friend is you and any positive thoughts you may have will broadcast to those who will appreciate you for what they are