I just joined this site because I need to share with someone. I'm a man in my mid forties, married for a little over a year. I've lived with depression for almost 20 years, but it has grown exponentially in the paste year. I used to workout 3 to 4 times a week religiously and that helped. But within the last year that's gone kuput, and I'm not quite sure why. It doesn't help that my wife and I are arguing increasingly due to my lack of motivation. It just compounds it. As I write this today I am in bed with the TV which is where I've been for the last 15 hours. I force myself to eat. Appetite is nonexistent. All I want to do is sleep. I have nothing to look forward to. She's not affectionate so she's no help in the comforting dept. I've lost my MOJO and am trying to find it again!
Depressed in Michigan
Written by
jbe162
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
97 Replies
•
Hi nice to meet you. You don't say if you are on any meds or having any counselling and if not I would advise you to go to the doctors and seek expert help. I know men, especially around your age group, are more reluctant to seek help as they see depression as a form of weakness and don't want to admit it. It really isn't you know so seek help please. All GP's are used to dealing with mental health issues don't forget. I gather you are from USA so I don't know whether your health insurance will cover that? I hope so. x
Have to stop self medicating first. I drink beer alot. It helps temporarily. I've come to the conclusion that I may be suffering from anxiety too. The beer calms me till I feel normal.
Today, make the decision to not have that beer, and to go for a walk instead. Then, with a clear head, make an appointment to go back to the gym, or a new one if you feel it is easier than to face the old one. Get out your gear and pack your bag ready for tomorrow morning. Tonight, set your alarm for 7 am, and get up without thinking shall I shan't I? Go straight to the gym without stopping for breakfast, and eat a banana on the way if you have one. Do a quick workout (don't go mad if it has been a long time since the last time) and then if they have a pool, go for a swim. Then sit down at the gym and plan your return to fitness, with an exercise routine.
Go home and do not mention your workout. Your wife may not even be up yet. Make yourself a healthy breakfast. Make your wife her choice of breakfast with a smile. If she comments on how happy you are then tell her why. She will then realise that it is better to leave you to do your thing than to try to make you like her. Do not preach to her about what she should do, as that is not your job. Your job is to be the best you can be and to love your wife and let her be the best she can be, her way.
You know, I am the sort of person who finds it quite hard to maintain my routine when there are people around me all the time. I can get up and out and to the gym if I live alone, but if I have family or friends in my house I kind of feel that I need to be there for them whether they ask me to or not, like it is rude to just do my own thing. It is partly a cultural thing, but goes beyond that when a partner is involved. Sometimes it has been because I sought out controlling partners who drain my energy by nitpicking and distracting me from my own agendas. Do you have the same problem?
Well I think you will be happier in the long run if you do not drop your interests. If your marriage survives then you will be healthier, and if it fails, then you will still be in touch with your old friends and have your routine to fall back on. Of course, you do need to find a way to work your fitness into your new life rather than just act as a single person. Maybe it is time to sit down with your wife and talk about this, and how you can meet your own needs, and each others. Do it before you have children, in case you find that there is no compromise that works for you both.
Sorry, I was feeling a bit negative when I wrote this. It is not a good idea to plan for after divorce at this stage. I think it becomes too easy to focus on that, rather than on living in the moment. Just be yourself, and try to enjoy your life, and hopefully things will improve.
Hi I'm 45 and was the same I used to play football sat sun that stopped my previous job was very active that stopped then I started doing unsociable hours as a crane driver and put on weight,it does not help when you have an underactive thyroid.i wanted to stay in bed also had a unsympathetic partner because she could not understand.i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety I went on citalopram 20 mg at first I was terrible did not want to be here also crappy side effects of the anti dep.i read lots of books on my condition and how to control it also had counciilling which also helped I stopped drinking and went to see friends and family I've been off work for 8 months and today is the first day back on phased return.its been hard and some days it still is but treat yourself well and talk to people it's hard for men...stigma and all that but you are only human.im not cured tell yourself good things about yourself get your self confidence back don't stop fighting my friend people need you and you need them.
Thanks for the encouraging words Welly. Sounds Like Our Situations Are Very Similar. I try to continue with my music when I can muster the drive I have a YouTube channel where I post my dj mixes. I'm up to 550 subscribers now worldwide. It gives me a purpose to continue.
I am coming to the conclusion that the internet is part of the reason we all feel so low. It is a drug like any other as it is addictive. Yes it makes us feel liked and appreciated, and I really do appreciate having met some lovely people through this site, but in accessing it we are all sitting at home staring at a screen whereas in the past we would have been forced to walk out of our doors to meet people. The inactivity, the blue light from the screen, the long hours because it is always there 24/7. It all stops us living a natural life.
Now since the internet is here to stay, we need to find a way to manage our time on it. Could you for instance make a rule that for every hour you work out you get to spend an hour online?
Couldn't agree with you more about the internet. There's a huge disconnect. And don't get me started on these smart phones. I deal with it everyday with my wife. She's addicted to Facebook and whatever trending site is out. We had our one year anniversary back in September and while in our suite I had to ask her to put the phone away. SMH
The workout part wouldn't be difficult I normally train about an hour 20 mins. 20 to 30 mins of cardio then weights for another 45. It's weird though I have an entire gym in my apartment , free weights and all. I've just lost all motivation. And this has never, repeat never happened to me before! I'm not on the Internet much I try to keep it to a minimum, and you're absolutely right about the blue light it will throw your circadian rhythms all out of wack. I normally work at night though so my sleep patterns are already different.
So possibly deep down you don't want to work out. Maybe it is not the exercise you enjoyed, could have been the social aspect but your wife not going might be spoiling your enjoyment. How about you find something to do together that is not the gym. After all, if you are giving off the message that you think your wife should go workout with you, she may feel criticised by it, which undermines your relationship. I mean, she is who she is and if you think she is wrong and try to change her you will upset her, and she won't feel happy and may criticise you back. Do you feel her being who she is is so wrong? Has she pretended to be otherwise until you got married? If so, you need to address this. If not, then maybe a little acceptance is needed.
It might be good for you too to stop beating yourself up about taking time out your routine. After all exercise can be addictive too, like the Internet, and maybe you were a bit of a gym bore to your wife.
So, what else do you guys like to do? can you find some middle ground?
I stopped trying to get her to workout ages ago. Im talking about just me. I usually train alone. I'm trying to understand why I'm not motivated lately. Has nothing to do with her.
Welcome
With you living in the USA we are not to well up on your system/new system. I can explain what you would do here.
Personally I would advise that you talk to your General GP, regards your mental health problems. You may be given medications for mood and possibly a course of talking therapy. You need to discuss why you are the way your are now and how your condition is affecting your daily life. To know the reason for the depression is half way there generally to control it.
If you are having problems with your marriage you will need to discuss with Her your concerns, sometimes you may be able to talk with a marriage Therapist. You have only been married for twelve months and if it is the first time you have lived with someone long term the happiness of marriage becomes less pronounced when you are running a house together and paying bills etc. Generally speaking when we tie the knot it is not until them we begin to know the person we have married, stress can arise and mental health problems may begin to raise their head.
If you are not in work, and just slouching around that can be a problem as bills need paying, the Partner will become a grudge as you will be seen as a none provider. In your case both of you seem not to be pulling your weight.
Who started all the slouching ??
Again I would in your position see your GP, explain your problem
Sorry I cannot give any other advice, We are here to give general support if you require it. Marriage is a partnership. Partners generally split the running of the home together, my Wife runs the house, paperwork, I help generally with cooking. and other chores asked of me. We generally work well together. A house is a job if you fail to run it it will become bankrupt in more ways than one.
Different people speak differently Hannah, so whether I refer to her as she or my wife is irrelevant. If I felt lovey dovey like that we wouldn't be discussing this. And as far as wanting a "mother", love and affection is one of the cornerstones of a good relationship. I appreciate your input but, you're right you don't know me and obviously some of what I was trying to express is being missed.
I haven't read any of the other replies because I want to respond only to what you have written. My first thought when you said you need to share with someone was how sad - you have only been married for just over a year yet seek understanding elsewhere. I do think that is very sad and suggests there is a problem between yourself and your wife that will grow if you don't address it. You then say you have lost motivation - since shortly after marrying - and no longer work out, and of course that will not help your overall mood which seems to be declining to the extent that you are wanting to withdraw from life - into sleep and escape. You say you and your wife have been arguing about your lack of motivation and also that she is not affectionate - I am wondering what has changed since you married. I presume you knew your wife well enough before you married her to know if she was not affectionate, either you ignored that or she has changed in her behaviour towards you. I am wondering whether you have each changed towards the other and are responding to one another in ways that express your increasing disappointment that marriage is not turning out the way you had imagined and hoped it would.
You do not say anything about your upbringing, about the relationship between you and your wife before marrying, about other factors that might be contributing to the difficulties you are both experiencing - I am not sure whether you see them as joint problems but they are, as a couple it needs you both to work at adjusting to marriage and the change in circumstances that may have brought with it.
If you do not seek help then I think it sounds likely that your marriage will become less and less satisfying to you both. If you are in the UK then I would suggest you go, alone and first, to seek help from Relate or a similar organisation so that you can begin to understand the emotions (or lack of them) that you are experiencing, perhaps you might tell your wife that you are seeking help and after some sessions you might then suggest to her that she joins you so that you can resolve the problems you are experiencing within your marriage.
Now I have read the other replies and understand you are in the US - perhaps it is possible for you to obtain marital counselling at low cost?
I was struck by your comment about when you are around someone a lot of the time you feel you have to be there for them - that kind of feeling goes back to the way you learned as a child to handle your needs. It sounds to me as though you learned, whether consciously or less consciously, that you had to put your own needs aside for the other person, perhaps you had to do that for parents figures? Feeling that now with your wife (and perhaps with other people who you see a lot of) suggests you experience them in a similar way to the way you experienced people who were important to you in the past, that you have to put aside your needs, maybe even try not to have any needs at all. I imagine your withdrawal, into beer, and ultimately into sleep with no appetite (desire to live?) is the way you are dealing with feelings of despair that once again your needs are not being met and perhaps never can be met.
I feel the first thing you need to do is to talk more with your wife. It is important that you are able to talk with her about feelings you bring with you from your past because in doing that you will be able to separate somewhat from them, talk about them rather than re-live them. Although talking more may initiate arguments it is important that you do not withdraw form communication but ensure your wife knows that you are talking more because you want things to be right between you - as I am sure you did such a short time ago when you married.
You may also encourage your wife to talk more freely about her expectations from marriage and about how she feels about your not being the kind of person you seemed when she married you. At the moment I imagine she feels angry that the man she thought she married seems to have gone so talking more and explaining why these changes have come about will start to enable you both to have a shared understanding and that is the basis for a good marriage.
If you are also able to afford some counselling together I think that will be supportive for you and improve the chances of your marriage becoming happy for you both.
I hope you got the gist of what I was trying to say about the arguing. This stupid spell check keeps changing my phrases. I was saying I have never put up with the arguing and not about to start now.
Thank you for your response. Yes I am in the United States. As far as my upbringing, I was raised in a 2 parent middle class home, as was my wife. One difference I have observed is that her father likes to act out by yelling fussing etc. So that is probably where that comes from. My parents were more civil even when that did argue it never elevated to yelling and screaming. This is my second marriage and as hurtful as this may sound I had to point out to my wife that I've had to argue and scream with my mate, and that I'm not about to start now.
It sounds as though you feel really angry towards your wife - but perhaps also a bit superior about the way your family dealt with arguments? Surely you knew how she and her family dealt with differences before you married her? I am not suggesting that yelling and screaming is the right way to manage differences, just that you seem critical of the way your wife argues and yet you married her and I am wondering how that came about. You say this is your second marriage so you cannot have entered marriage this time as lightly as you may have the first time... I am trying to understand how you are finding out only now the kind of person your wife is. I recall you said about being different when you are around other people and I wonder whether that is a pattern each of you brings to relationships - whether you are over-compliant to the other and she becomes more confrontational and aggressive than is her usual way of being? I wonder what you fear might happen if you did join in with the shouting and screaming, whether you are afraid that you might be nudged into losing control? I really do think talking the relationship through with a marital counsellor will enable you to clarify what goes on and enable you both to consider whether you want the marriage and if so how you both might shi9ft the problems.
I see that you have some insight into my situation. But what did you mean about me being different around other people. I don't recall saying that. I'm the same around all people. As far as my wife I'm not angry at her I just will not tolerate that type of behavior period. We are mature adults and she will behave as such. We've argued plenty of times and I've told her lower your voice or we have nothing to discuss. I hate to have to be cold like that but that's all she seems to respond to. Being nice doesn't get Me anywhere. I blame myself yes she exhibited this behavior before we got married. I moved from another part of the country to be with her, so that adds to the conflict I guess. I don't like it here.
Uh, that was me saying about how I feel I have to be around for other people, not jbe.
I have also picked up on the anger thing, and having married two divorced men myself, I wondered if there is some anger left over from the first divorce. I think this because jbe mentioned how he told his wife how upset he got about having to yell st his ex and be yelled at and how important it was to him not to do this now. This could be important to mention to a counsellor. Secondly, it is very inflammatory to be told how to behave by the man you love. I would think though that your wife might respond better if you could describe how you feel when she shouts, and see if she might suggest how to help you here. I would say more but I am going to break that old habit of feeling I have to hang around to see how things are, and I am off to bed. Good luck.
Ok there's some miscommunication here. What I said was I didn't have yelling and screaming matches with my ex, or in any other relationship for that matter. And I told my wife that I didn't deal with that before, and I'm not about to start now. I'm not angry I just know the basics if you can't respect me you can leave period. This is non negotiable.
Sorry, you were not clear on this. You said in the past you had to yell and scream with your mate. Maybe it was a typo as you said the spell checker keeps changing your words.
So, from what you said in your last post it sounds a bit as if you have already decided that things are not working out as you hoped, the only solution is for your wife to cave in and do as you wish (which is unlikely and unfair on her) or leave . Is this what is making you feel so bad?
Whatever you decide will be ok if it is the right thing for you, even if it is hard for your wife in the short term, but has it really got so bad that you have to say, 'My way or the highway'? How would you really feel if she just left? Would you have regrets? Is it not worth having counseling to see if there is another way?
Maintaining civil behavior in a relationship is a form of mutual respect. Without it there is no relationship. I'm the nicest guy you would ever want to meet. I just don't put up with bull crap. That's part of being a man and the head of the household. Some women just enjoy chaos subconsciously they are so used to it that when they are in a comfortable situation they can't handle it. They find a way to sabotage it.
Oooh now I am feeling that perhaps you don't realise how sexist that sounds - where did you learn that being a man means being head of the household! Surely being a man is being someone who happens to be male. I agree that there are many women who subconsciously create situations where they are living in chaos - they have learned from their past experiences to be victims - but that does not mean they enjoy it! In fact they hate it as much as you would. Have you asked your wife whether she enjoys arguing? I think you will find she does not. I have no doubt you are a nice guy and am not suggesting you are not - but it seems to me that you have a fixed view of how you have to be since you are a man and how you have to be once you are married. It sounds to me as if just as your wife is behaving the way she has learned so are you, as you seem not to be choosing or behaving out of love but rather from some thought out idea - in other words from your head. Perhaps it is scary to relate from the heart as that involves being vulnerable and not strong. I imagine you might feel you were not behaving like a man if you allowed that to happen?
You say women find a way to sabotage relationships but don't forget men do that too - we all do that when we are scared of trusting. You have been married twice so are no more an expert than your wife, being married requires trust from both people and a belief that however much they allow the other person to know them they will still be loved.
As far as man being the head of the household. That's God's word. Not sure if you are religious, but that's what the Bible says. Which brings me to another thing about my wife. She's quick to run to church every week and church functions but doesn't live what she is supposed to be learning from the word. I don't want you to think that this is all about bashing her. These are just things I observe from day to day that I find very ironic. I do love her but she doesn't make it easy. She was a single mother before we got together so I think she finds it difficult to let go of being mom and dad. We talked about, but she has yet to do anything about it.
No I am not religious as such and think God's word is perhaps intended as a model for living rather than as a literal statement, but I do know many people would disagree - the issue is not what I think but what you and your wife can agree upon. You can be head of the household without being the boss and the one whose thoughts are always right and the other's always wrong. It is good to hear that you love your wife, what you had written previously made no mention of love but was full of criticism and so it was difficult to understand why you married her although I did presume you must have loved her once, glad you still do. No she probably doesn't make loving her easy, but I bet you don't make it easy for her to love you either, especially as she is used to a very different way or relating
You write about your wife behaving ironically but I think we all behave ironically although generally only other people recognise the way our behaviours differ from our beliefs. I think that is what it means to be human. We have only to look at literature and films to see how far we all fall short of doing what we know we would like to do, how we believe and say one thing yet do another, how we intend things for the best but so often what we do turns out to be harmful. For me, that is the sad irony of being human, and something I think is written about within religion as God forgiving mankind, that although we are not bad we nonetheless do bad things despite our intentions. I think love enables us to forgive the other ('for they know not what they do...') and that kind of love is what God would wish us to aspire to offer, to other people in general but especially to those who we agree to love in the more personal sense. Most of us fall short of that aspiration!
You seem to expect such high standards from your wife and probably also from yourself, but none of us are so perfect. Your wife must have found it hard in childhood, then having a failed marriage and becoming a single parent, and now she is struggling again. Maybe you can just hug her and tell her you love her, and when she starts shouting quieten her with love? Probably that is what she needs. My guess is that she needs a lot of reassurance before she is able to trust as deeply as marriage requires.
Whoever said marriage was easy? ! I am sure God would not have imagined that. Talk with your wife, show her all of your writing on the website, and most importantly tell her and show her how much you love her by understanding her.
Does she feel she has to be the boss in terms of decisions about her child? I guess it will be difficult for her to relinquish that and let you father the child presuming you want to. How might you set some ground rules - and one of course has to be that no matter what you each support the other in decisions unless it is absolutely crucial you differ in which case you discuss and then present a united front to the child. No child should have to grow up hearing adults rowing all the time, it's really bad for them.
Oh that's good, one thing for you both not to have to worry about. How do you get on, her daughter and you - I am wondering whether your wife was able to offer calm parenting as a result of not being in a relationship but that now you and she are married she is having to adjust to another person - that will be hard for her as it is for you.
Yes, I think respect is important in any relationship - however you must remember that respect is two-way and you have to respect the way she has learned to be. She won't be able to stop shouting and screaming immediately however much you want her to as it is how she has learned to be. Setting your limits for what you will tolerate is important but alongside that you also need to make sure she knows that you love her. Telling her you won't tolerate her behaviour and that she can leave if it doesn't stop will only increase her insecurity and is likely to make her less able to be more mature. How about telling her you love her and that it hurts you when she screams at you, that you want the marriage to work and that you both need to find ways to compromise so that each of you adjusts a little - maybe you can reach an agreement about writing down issues and how you feel, communicate in writing for a bit if that is possible? Maybe you can agree some other way, like making drawings together in colour in which you can each express how you are feeling. In order to be in any relationship we each need to understand the other person, to know what they are feeling and more importantly to know WHY. It might also be helpful if rather than focussing upon trying to stop her from shouting and screaming you begin to think about why she needs to do that, what feelings she is expressing and where those feelings began - probably with her parents - it must have been really difficult for her as a child growing up in a home where parents shouted and screamed at each other. Perhaps she needs someone to understand how difficult that was. If you love her and she knows that then she may be complimenting you and trusting you enough to hope you can begin to understand and still love her? When that happens she is more likely to be able to control her immature behaviours.
If you want to use your parents as a guide, first be honest about whether they were happy together, then try to understand how they managed to relate to each other, and ask yourself if you and your wife have the same qualities.
You also may have a skewed idea of their happiness if they were not emotionally open. For instance, what looked like domestic bliss and no rows could have been a heavily medicated mother and a passive aggressive father, who never dealt with their problems.
Not all families who argue have problems. If this is the way they clear the air and stop things building up, then it can be healthier than people who internalise their problems and sink into depression or resort to addictions.
Also, not all emotional outbursts are explained by genuine disrespect. It can be frustration too. Listen to the words being said, rather than how they are said.
My parents were two well adjusted professionals. They provided for my sister and I and we had a warm and loving home. They were together until the unfortunate passing of my father 22 years ago. My mother never remarried. And if she dated anyone It never got serious because I never heard about it.
It may be that your parents were as happy and well adjusted as you say but I wonder where you learned to pick a partner who seems so unsatisfactory to you and why you struggle with maintaining a happy marriage twice. I also wonder why your mother didn't re-marry. You cannot possibly know what went on inside your mother's emotions, especially as you say she didn't talk to you about whether or not she was dating. You have your view of your parents marriage and it may have been how things were for them, but it also may not have been. Sometimes people deny even to themselves how they felt. However you do know that your parents found a way to maintain a stable marriage for many years and how to use that as a basis for providing for their children - maybe that is what you are seeking more than anything?
It's not impossible. He had a heart attack. I found him collapsed on the kitchen floor. I gave him cpr til the paramedics arrived and they continued to work on him. He died at the hospital. He was 53. I was 24 at the time. I never connected the sadness with that at the time though. It was more like I was living a lie I was in school studying for my engineering degree some classes I enjoyed but many I didn't. There were not many opportunities for media and recording or music production at my school then. That's probably the path I should have taken. But when you're young and learning you don't know. I was a big dj back then, but I guess I never considered I could seriously earn a living at it. It just seemed too good to be true...you know?
Yes, I know exactly what you mean about never thinking you could earn a living by following your dreams though sadly I didn't have the capacity to have dreams until much later in my life.
That's sad about your Dad. It must have been a huge shock, also repeatedly trying to keep him alive but finding you were not successful - it sounds like the same pattern about trying to fulfil your dreams through art and music but ultimately failing and facing the letdown. I wonder whether there was some feeling in you that however much you tried you were doomed to fail as you had with your father? Perhaps you even thought his death was your fault, that if you had tried harder he might not have died, such feelings are irrational but most of us would feel that way.
You say you were living a lie studying engineering - which perhaps wasn't you as it sounds as though you are more arty than that. I wonder whether a part of you wanted so much to please your father so you chose to study what he would have wanted, or whether his example was to be reasonable so that was how you felt you had to be as a man, the reasonable rational one, unable to follow your dreams and intuition, be impulsive or emotional in expressing yourself.
I wonder whether you really grieved your Dad's death?
Ooh so there is quite a lot for you to cope with, being in a part of the country you don't like, having moved there for her but then finding she doesn't adjust her behaviour to you and tone down her way of arguing. You don't mention love but I guess you must have loved her a lot to have moved just to be with her?
You said earlier that you workout a lot, do that alone, and so I am wondering whether in some ways you are a loner? Also I wonder whether your working out is part of being a tough person, though of course you may just like being healthy and fit - I don't know
Have you asked your wife how she feels about the arguing, whether she would like it to stop and what she feels it is about? You might start by asking her to read what you have written on this website and what we have all said in response? That way she will know you want the arguing to stop as much as she probably does and perhaps you can begin to work at it together?
I too like civil behaviour. I have had more than enough of drama and stress. My family seem to thrive on it, and when they are being 'civil' it usually means they are building up to an outburst. I used to be like this too, but my last husband was like you. It took 10 years and a bad divorce for me to realise that him being civil was ok, and not something to worry about. He had many faults but shouting was not one of them. Maybe you both want the same thing, to be listened to and to feel safe enough to share your feelings, but are reading the situation wrong. It is possible to learn to control your emotions but it takes trust in each other to be able to go there.
My husband is the calm one in our relationship while I am a bit more fiery - over the years we have adjusted to one another, now we are both quiet and reasonable most of the time and both occasionally argue verbally in a more heated way. It was a moment of change when he really let rip at me and I became upset, then he told me that was how he felt when I shouted at him. Finally I realised I was hurting him. Now I take care not to. That is what learning to love one another is about, being increasingly real and adjusting to one another's ways.
Actually when I really think back, his being civil was mainly a front for maintaining his image. Since a lot of what he said was lies, no wonder he did not inject a lot of emotion into it. Beware the smiling charmer who smooth talks you. Given a choice I think I would prefer someone with emotion over a cool cookie who thinks he can rely on his charm to get him through life.
Not to say that everyone who is civil is a wrong-un, but the very meaning of the word implies some kind of veneer, a face presented to the world. What I want is someone who is not afraid to let that veneer fall away when in private, and who is a strong enough man to allow his feelings to be exposed.
If your wife is just being emotional in explaining her feelings, and is not being abusive, then maybe try not to take offense. You do not have to be the same as her, just accept her for what she is. If she is abusive, then I totally understand you being upset.
Wow he really left a lasting impression on you. Sorry it didn't work out. And yes sometimes it is necessary to express yourself, but it can be done without it turning into a shouting match.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING.... Sorry, just my little joke. But all joking aside, you are constantly dodging the issue. Do you mean to be so frustrating? Are you aware you are doing it?
As for my ex, I'm ok about it. I just don't want to forget completely as it was a hard lesson. I was not pointing any fingers at you.
Yes it can get confusing on the forum when more than one person joins in, but you'll get used to it. What I meant was, is your wife being abusive, or is she getting frustrated coz you are not listening to her properly. Sounds to me that you refuse to listen anytime she gets loud and emotional which is basically denying her her own personality. Am I wrong?
Not abusive it's more like she's constantly on the defensive. If I ask her a question about something she's doing I get attitude. If I make a suggestion about something I get attitude. I can't communicate with her because she's always on the defensive. And don't let her try something her way after I suggested how she should do it and it blows up in her face....ooh wee! And no I don't gloat I just shake my head. That's what I'm dealing with.
So all you can do is have a good think about whether you have caused the defensiveness or is she hiding something. Tbh wouldn't be surprised after what you said if she was not also questioning the relationship. Time for some soul searching and talking to each other maybe.
I feel that you are very angry with your wife, and at yourself perhaps. Maybe you feel you were conned into this relationship, maybe you feel you made a mistake. You are not someone who can speak your mind about your feelings as you feel it is uncivil to get angry, but your feelings are leaking out in many ways that are unhealthy for you both.
It is especially hard for men as they are not supposed to show their emotions are they, certainly not tough American men. I think you really need to find a way to address this though as if not you stand a good chance of wasting many years on trying to avoid facing up to things.
I agree, I think he is very angry - maybe because he can't make her be the kind of person he wants her to be, that may have been an issue in his previous relationship too?
And the place may have something to do with it too. He has given up his home, friends and maybe a job too to invest in this marriage, and he feels he is getting nothing in return. Unless he can find something to enjoy in the new place, such as new hobbies and a good job, he is going to continue to feel unhappy.
I have no trouble expressing my feelings. Never have. If I am feeling angry you will know it. I don't have to y ell and scream to express that. Don't get it twisted!
Why would you suggest how she might do something, why not let her find her own way of doing things? I imagine she feels undermined and perhaps controlled too. And you say you don't gloat but just shake your head - that is the worst form of gloating because it is passively aggressive, denying what you express with your head shaking!!
One of the hardest things is when you feel trapped and forced to make it work. I wonder whether his religious beliefs make it harder to imagine walking away, and the emotional reserve makes it hard to be truly honest about how he is feeling. It is a horrible situation to be in. It is so much easier to be like his wife I think. No concerns about living up to someones high standards, or the church. However if two people are going to make each other unhappy, then I cannot see anything worthy about staying together. I am not being all judgmental and superior here, because I know what it is like. I stayed in my second marriage far longer than I should because I put such importance on the marriage, over and above my needs. It made the breakup much worse as we both got a bit desperate. Not everyone is going to end up in divorce of course, and sometimes marriage vows are enough to make people work through their issues, but they both have to want to, and it takes a lot of communication and give and take.
It would take a woman to say something like that. I make suggestions to make her life easier. Especially when she's creating unnecessary extra work for herself in situations.
It seems to me that perhaps you do not actually LIKE women? Your wife may realise that although you intend to be caring you actually feel derogatory towards women. I imagine that would make her angry and so you both end up feeling angry with the other person.
On the contrary. I love women. That comment was in response to what was said about when I make suggestions to her. I knew you would take that out of context. Men and women are wired differently and this affects our thought processes. This is what Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus Discussed. Men's thinking is more linear with problem solving. as opposed to many women who add feelings into the equation as you had mentioned. This often causes conflict with couples. Men what to solve problems, but often women want to talk about the problem and get mad at the man for suggesting solutions. It's logic versus how it feels.
So, explain to me please? If this is what women are supposed to be like, and you like women and know that conflict is to be expected, what is the problem here?
John Grey's book is a best seller. So apparently there is some true to what he's saying. It's a matter of compromise in the end. And again I don't have a lesser opinion of women and no I'm not sexist. I've dated many women and there are some similarities with many based on my experience s with them.
I agree, the way these posts and replies appear is really confusing... like dodging around a field after two different rabbits would be for a sheepdog - and please don't ask my where that image came from
I found, that an ability to be emotional with those we love is important in order for intimacy to develop - I fell in love with my husband because he could laugh and cry with equal intensity, and now he is able to also get really angry with me - but chooses not to express it aggressively as he has become secure with me. I am lucky, years of personal therapy helped me choose someone who is capable of loving.
I have only just realised that when replying to your posts I completely missed the fact that you have been depressed for over 20 years and now I find myself wondering what that was about, what led a young man from a happy home to become depressed to the extent that it cannot be shifted over many years? What led you to become unhappy, was it your homelife, career prospects... just wondering as obviously that will be affecting how you cope with marriage.
I believe an overall dissatisfaction with life. I expected so much more. I'm a talented artist and music producer. I've worked with people in the industry, and repeatedly got built up for a huge letdown in the end. I'm a college graduate never had trouble finding a job just have never had a job I really liked. I always had that voice in the back of my mind..."There's got to be more to life than this"! Honestly I never saw myself in a conventional life maybe that's it. I remember when my ex and I bought our first house. Most people would be ecstatic, but to me the little voice was saying do you really want this burden? I should've listened to it in retrospect. It was a nice house and we were living the so called american dream, but I remember countless nights sitting on the couch, flipping channels and looking around at my home and hearing that voice "There's got to be more to life than this"!
It sounds as if you are searching for some greater meaning in your life than just having a home and family you love. I can identify with that feeling and guess many people can. You say you are a talented artist, what kind of art do you produce? I don't mean it rudely but you say you are talented, does the world agree? In other words, have you got the recognition for your talents that you feel you deserve? Are you still producing art, and music?
You say you repeatedly got built up for a huge letdown in the end - I know that experience really well having spent many years, a lot of money and a huge emotional investment in training for a specialism, only to find that due to financial cuts it was no longer in demand. For quite some time I felt disgusted and depressed, felt it had all been a waste of time, that I had been stupid undertaking the training when I could have done a different one that would now be paying me well. However with the support of a therapist I came to terms with having lived my life the way it felt right for me and ultimately that is what matters. Now I have no regrets. I wonder what is your story, how did your letdown build up and finally occur? The world seems so unfair when that happens and it is difficult to get over the sense of injustice and lack of purpose that prevail after being let down so totally.
Who wants a conventional life, not me! However why does having a wife and family mean your life is conventional? I am really eccentric and the way I live is anything but conventional but I have still found satisfaction in mothering and am married and (relatively) happy in a normal home with a normal life. Of course we all want more, but what would you want to be doing? Maybe something where you expressed your creativity through art or music? I wonder whether you refused to try again having been let down so thoroughly, but I wonder also whether there was something in you that made you keep on trying at something that would only let you down again, maybe there was a slightly different way that was more realistic for you? Maybe there still is? I am retired and have some health problems, but I still paint slightly crazy paintings even though I have no idea what will happen to them, whether they will ever be seen by anyone. Unlike you I feel I am not talented, though other people tell me I am - how ironic is that!
Of course there is more to life than sitting on the couch flipping channels, who on earth says you have to do that? You can be married AND be an artist AND be a bit crazy AND be a responsible caring adult.
Suex you like to talk I see...lol! Well basically as I mentioned I've worked with artist in the industry that were signed with major labels. I'm a producer so I have composed music for various artists. I had situations were the artists wanted my tracks but the executive producers didn't because they knew the had to pay me! That happened alot. You may be familiar with Pharrell Williams. Well he's from my hometown in Virginia. Back in the late 90s There was a Rap Group he produced called the Clipse. Getting music to them was easy we were cool I knew the guys, but getting it released was a whole other mountain to climb. The music industry is very cutthroat. I've worked with the Ruff Ryder too. You probably aren't familiar with them but they were big also late 90s and early 2000s. Dmx, Eve!
No, sorry I don't know any of them... but you sound excited even writing about it. Surely there are things you can do in the art and music world that will bring you a sense of satisfaction in themselves, whether or not they bring success? Finding things in your life that enable you to feel fulfilled sounds really important.
About the talking - yes I was called Chatterbox at school, but eventually trained in work that required me to listen far more than talk - how ironic is that!
So you play any instruments? And what about the art?
Some keyboards. I'm an electronic producer so that means I put the whole track together in my studio. I program the drums, play the chords, bass etc. Using keyboards drum machines and computers. I'm getting back into my dj ing though. I have several of my dj mixes posted online. I have a following on YouTube now of over 550 subscribers worldwide. And that started on a whim I never expected it to take off like it did!
Great, so your life is becoming richer. But remember love is more important than any outer world success so do find a way to resolve things with your wife why not let her read all on this site?
Hmm, you think he should. Under he circumstances it could be taken badly. If she is feeling defensive then finds out he's been talking to strangers about her? I would be careful if it was me.
Could it be that you so admired your parents you live your life trying to match up to them, rather than being true to yourself. This breeds frustration and low self esteem. Or did they push you down a route you did not choose. Maybe marriage, kids and family are not for you. If so, better to work it out sooner than later.
For all you know your parents felt like this too, but never spoke of their true feelings. I know I feel this way. I am divorced (twice) and supposed to be finding a new house and setting up home again, but the thought horrifies me. It just feels so dull. Maybe it is a midlife crisis (yes women get them too), or maybe it is because after two marriages I have realised that yes, there could be more to life than this. Or it could be jealousy from reading too many facebook posts about bright young people who are doing all sorts of interesting things out there.
Hi I am joining in because I can't keep quiet any longer! I have been reading and re reading this post and the replies and the following has struck me.
1. Did you ever analylise where your previous relationships went wrong?
2. Are the same issues coming up again in your new marriage?
3. You say you aren't sexist but you have come up with 2 sexist comments so far - first you say 'it would take a woman to say that' and to Sue 'you are a chatterbox' Now from my experiences of men they say that sort of thing to put a woman down, to dismiss what they are saying because it's something they don't want to hear. You posted asking fo our help and we are trying our best, but it's no good if you don't listen or don't want to.
4. You are also saying that men and women are wired differently - I would say it's more that people including women have different personalities. Some women are very good at analytic thinking while some men aren't. Some women are emotional and some aren't. We are all as different as individually as men are. One size doesn't fit all you know!
5. You said too that you do things like shake your head at your wife - aren't you treating her a bit like an aberrant child who needs correcting and not as another adult person?
6. As for thinking as a man you are automatically head of the household that idea went out with the ark ( fortunately). I would ask you to question your beliefs and have a good soul search and I think you might be asounted by what you discover. x
Like I said if you won't listen that's up to you. I am not being sensitive but sensible. However like you said you can't reason with a fool so I am butting out for good.
One another thing though - we all suffer from depression on this site and we come on for moral support and all do our best to help each other. I give an honest response to every poster as did Hannah earlier which is what we all do here. If you don't agree with it that's up to you, but you need to respect her and our honesty and desire to help before having a go. Ok?
I'm sorry you took offense to what I had to say. This conversation has spiraled into a whole other direction. And that's not productive for me. I appreciate you taking time to respond, but don't take what I have to say personally. You're Not Living With This woman, I am! I mentioned her because the dynamic further complicates my personal situation, so let's not forget that. I'm an assertive and driven man, and some people can't handle that unfortunately.
Do not worry about being nice if it means you cannot be honest. You are welcome to tell us if you do not like our advice. However it is better not to stray into the realms of being abusive instead. Please do not use terms like 'talking crap' to people who try to help you. You do not like it so don't do it to us.
Moving on.
I am sorry you are feeling down and hope things improve soon. Best of luck with your future.
Hi. It's great you are posting. I would suggest buying a shake that you can drink to make sure you are getting enough calories. I know you don't feel like eating but if you don't, you will get worse. I also think you may want to look at your testosterone levels. Ideally, please see your Dr about this. Good luck.
I have been depressed for the same amount of time.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
That's old fashioned of me! But even more likely that she will have found it hard finding herself a parent?
Sorry, just my little joke. But all joking aside, you are constantly dodging the issue. Do you mean to be so frustrating? Are you aware you are doing it? 
Update...been a while
Argument with mum, just need to vent really...
I don't want a pity party, I just want to know I'm not alone.
My girlfriend left me for another man. And I can't get it out of my head.. Please help 
