Thank you for writing. Thank you replying. showing concern. Some facts when I was young
I was optimistic about life, the last 20 years have been an eye opener. Failed relationships, A History Degree which I realised after three years how little I'd progressed,
I returned home to the same house, same mother, nothing had changed.
Relationships. such a FAILURE father ,partners, family, A mother who is 75, a sister who is 46 who cares, another who doesn't give a damn. i think everybody needs hope. I'm 44/45 the last twenty years have crap. There is no reason for my existence, its highly unlikely I will have any children my mum is going to die in the next 10-15 years.
Failed relationships 've seen so many people die. , Grandparents, relatives, aunts, uncles over the last 25 years i have not witnessed a birth, christening I know what the future holds. 20 year in Gods waiting room. Before I was 40 a suicidal thought never entered my head but now it's a constant thought.
The last 3 or 4 years have been illuminating.
Why Work you will lucky if your employer takes the condition seriously. I was accused of blackmail because I phoned the Samaritans, HR are a joke.
Medical profession you will be lucky if you see the same GP on a regular basis, standard reaction tablets.
The best way forward is probably BACE
Body
Food
Exercise
Sleep
Rest
No Drink
Achievement
What makes you feel valuable
What makes you feel you have made difference
hats you feel recognised
Connection
Mon-Friday
Sat & Sun
Connected
Clubs, Fitness Classes/Events Sunday are lowdays
Enjoyment
Personal
Seeing a film
Seeing a drama,, seeing a comedy
Seeing something new.
Seeing a good football game.
Sorry this is long
Written by
Humphrey42
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20 Replies
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Hello Humphrey
Sorry to say my life has been very much the same as yours with the exception that I became disabled thirty years ago and I have been unable to have a full life as I suffer restricted movement. My family is a real pain in the butt and now they are as good as dead to me and I have now moved and I live a new life. This is the first year without me sending Christmas cards to them and I have now started a new life without any feed back from anyone who knew me before.
All I am trying to say is life is a bugger and we have to try and make our own way forward.
i am married with a Collie dog who when He thinks I am sad will do his utmost to drag me out of the dumps.
Over the last three months I have begun falling and hurting myself so my wife is wanting me to stop doing most of my Voluntary work as most of it is a good distance from where we live. As now I have changed my home to a bungalow so that I can get around more easy than it was in my old semi detached house.
All I am trying to say to you is I am sixty five next year and all I have to look forward to is a retirement of chronic pain. It would get me down and it really ticks me off. although I need to get on with my life as I had tried suicide and it really does not work for me and Iwould not really advise it as you will see a different side of the NHS that you may not expect.
You are still a young person and hopefully something may actually show a way forward for you. Like you I was the Angle of Death with my family and would be dusted of and pushed into the room with the deathbed so that they could feel that they had done all they could do with the exception of me who had done most of the dirty work that they where so unable themselves to do. So I felt I was the family undertaker with all that entailed.
So believe me I really understand what must be going through your head. You seem to be a kind sensitive person who feels set upon by all and sundry and under those circumstances never makes our lives any easier to live with. One thing regarding above it makes people like us more able to survive and that in itself makes use stronger and more caring for those who have gone before. So I never looked at that as a chore it was a privaledge. We need to view death as this makes us stronger in our living and removes something from those who cannot relate to the full meanings of live. It is the same with a birth it becomes a pleasure in life even though we ourselves may not have any children and will die with no issue.
You sound a good person who has become jaded with life, many people in their 40s go through this period especially when they are not seeing their children for any reason I suppose that must be worse for someone suffering there as to me who will die without issue
Remember you are really not alone many people suffer as we do and therefore we just know in our own minds we are stronger than those with such complicated lives ???.
Thank you for giving a detailed response, i'ts appreciated. I must admit a very good thing happened to me on Saturday morning. I was feeling very low, but my cat came up to my bed and said hello brushed up to me for a few times and while was lying down rested on my arms for an hour or so. that's the most compassion, affectionate thing that's happened in the last year.
My Mum might die in the next 10-15 days. I'd be delighted to think she might have that many years ahead of her, and she is only 64. We can't help having depression; it's a fate bestowed upon us from somewhere else. However we do have control over many of things that happen to us. Have you ever tried making a list. In one column put the things that you cannot change - how long your mum lives, the success of the NHS etc, and in the other the things you CAN - whether you meet someone, who you work for etc. It's a useful excercise x
Lucy. Thank you for replying. Everybody has their own perspective. Hopefully I'm a good man. I wish you well. {lease don't tell me what everybody has experienced. I must confess watching my father lose five stone in weight over six months watching him die, lowering his coffin and putting gravel on coffin. I think everybody wants somehow a slightly happier life. I must admit the BACE approach is pretty damn systemic good thing I have come across.
Hi Humphrey I do emphasise with you. I found the 40's a very strange period in my life. By then 'society' expects you to have 2.4 kids, to be climbing up the ladder of success at work, a house with a big mortgage and a family car parked in the driveway. This is always seen as 'success' in life. I am not sure this is normal but that is the way it is presented. It's easy to seem a failure if you don't have these things. I never did either and often did feel a bit like an alien in a world of conformity. And the attitudes and platitudes of those who have this towards those who don't. It seems like everyone else is normal and you are not.
In those years you are realising the end of your youth but haven't yet settled into old age. When I hit 40 I took stock of myself and my life. I made some changes - small but very important ones. I decided not to go along with the crowd so much and to speak my mind more. I decided I had paid my dues and was going to live my life the way I wanted. I put this into practise very soon when my work friends got me a strippogram! I hated it and decided that I didn't want to see the photos when normally I would laugh at them and hate every minute. So when they tried to show me them I said thanks for the thought and the money you all spent on this strippogram but I was a bit embarrassed and really don't want to see the photos. That was fine and they all understood. Success.
I also realised in my 40's that I was never going to be able to have children (you still have that option so are lucky). I also realised I was never going to set the world on fire or be anything more than a pleb at work. So I adjusted my targets a bit. I accepted that I would have to work but went for a job I didn't mind doing with the best pay and put all my energies into my outside interests and my social life. I was d... well still going to enjoy my life regardless! I had earned it.
Of course there were and are lots of down periods, especially with my depression, but try to see the benefits of getting older. You care much less what people think of you, you have much more knowledge of the world, you have had friends for many years, you know yourself so much better and have more confidence in yourself etc. I do the things I enjoy and be with the people I enjoy. That's what you have to concentrate on - the postive and not the negative things in your life.
You still have your mother and a sister who cares for you, that is more than many folk have. You have a job too even if you don't like it much. Use it to your advantage and appreciate what you do have not what you don't. You are still relatively young and there is always hope around the corner.
I do know what I am talking about. I am 60 now and feel happier and more contented than when I was young and competing for the prizes of life. Ok I failed in them! So what? I am not judging myself and if others want to do it let them. Who cares? Just do what makes you happy.
I understand depression makes the situation much worse but try and choose to see the postives in your life and concentrate on being the best 'YOU' you can be. There is only 1 of you in the world and you are unique. Take care.
Hiya Hannah thanks for your remarks. You summed it all perfectly as usual with 'march to the beat of your own drum' and 'don't compare yourself with others'. That is exactly what I was trying to say
How are you anyway chuck? Haven't seen you for a while and have been worrying about you. Life going ok? How's your pain levels?
In the same street I was brought bk from being born in the hospital too . My life has been a constant disasters , men who take the mick , who think they can walk all over me.
Snd now my mum and aunt have cancer badly . I just don't see the point in my being here any more .
I just wanted u to know I get how u feel and ur not alone xxx
Hiya beck nice to meet you. My aren't you pretty? Maybe you and Humphrey should get together? x
I think the 40's are a difficult age. I am 24 and I don't think my outlook is very good either. I'll be lucky to have any of the things I dreamed of. Society expexcts so much and we expect so much from ourselves. It sucks being in my generation as well. I can't even get out of my parent's house. To get a flat share would mean paying rent forever and not having much money left over. Certainly wouldn't afford my own place. I would love to afford a mortgage.
Relationships are doomed to fail in this day and age. They're not going anywhere so what's the point? I'll be lucky to meet someone who doesn't dump me in the end. I just want to be self-reliant but I think that would be about a decade away. For now I have to stay in the parental home which makes me miserable.
So, stay miserable in the parental home and save every penny in the hope I will be granted a mortgage one day. Or move out now and waste money on rent and not be able to save much?
The first option is the safest financially. However I may never get a mortgage and all that money would be saved in false hope. There's nothing worse than false hope.
But the second option would allow me to enjoy life a bit more now, providing I get a descent flatmate which may be too much to ask for... Either is a risk and either could end up with me being unhappy...
Hi Wanttochange don't think about it so much just do it. You are better off renting coz if you lose your job you will get housing benefit. You won't if you are buying so there is a lot more pressure on you.
I hated living with my parents so much I b........d off from home at the age of 18 to go live in London. I paid rent for around 8 years then managed to get together a small deposit and bought my own place - only a flat but it was mine. Most people rent first then end up buying. It can be tricky paying a mortgage on your own and there were several times I nearly lost my property due to finances.
It's much easier to buy when there are 2 of you than on your own. If you would be happier renting then go for it. You should be able to afford a room in a shared house and it is a lot cheaper... Good luck x
It's something I have to put some serious thought into. With having AS it can be difficult for me settling in. And if the people I move in with cause me to have anxiety for any reason I won't cope and would be better off at the parental home. My condition is a huge factor to consider, it affects everything I do.
But you're right there's no point in thinking about it. You can make anything seem pointless just by thinking about it too much. Because at the end of the day, there's no pint to anything really.
I had a bit of anxiety having to get the bus again the last couple of days because my car is in the garage. It took me an hour and a half to do this same journey to uni when they were building the Edinburgh Trams and all traffic was diverted. One time it took me two hours to get home! But it has taken one hour in the early morning (bus at quarter to 7). It took about 1 hour 20 minutes getting home last night so that's when I missed the car lol. But after yesterday, I didn't feel anxious this morning. Because I barely have any anxiety in my job, I love getting up for work. I look forward to doing my job and that is a first for me :).
I seem to be going up and down at the moment. Last night I was upset because the hope of getting a mortgage was crushed by some guy who works for the bank. Basically I would need to win the lottery or get some inheritance to have a deposit big enough. And you're right, if I ever lost my job I'd lose the house and all the money in it. That would crack me. I'm not a person who can cope with a lot of stress (part of my condition) so I don't think that's the best option for me. The future worries me. Like where will I live if I can't afford rent in my old age? The retirement age is ridiculously high now so I will probably never be able to retire. And if I have to retire because of an illness, I might not afford to live. I am aware that's 40-50 years away but my parents often talk about old age and planning ahead that far so I think that's why I worry about it so much. In my current job I have a good pension scheme which I am paying into now. It's in my name, so if the company ever closed the money wouldn't disappear. The company put more into it than I do so that's pretty amazing for modern day.
In terms of mortgage, it wouldn't be a safe option. And at the end of the day, my parents will own their house so I guess that gets inherited to me and my brother in our old age. It's not nice for me to think like that but it's a fact that the house would become ours.
Thank you for replying. There's not much point in thinking about the future really. Most people in my generation live in the now. They spend their money on what makes them happy now. I've never understood it before but I do now.If the future is grim, don't hink about it!
I would go for saving the money to buy a house. Its surprising how the money builds up. You can get a deposit, you get a mortgage, you can buy a house/flat.
Thanks so much for sharing with us. You stated that you have spent " 20 years in God's waiting room." While you have been in the waiting room- have you had the opportunity to open the Bible to John 10:10?
We only ask you this question, because there is nothing that seems dead in your life, or environment that can not be resurrected with life again. When is the last time you just praised God for the little things we take for granted-like eating, sleeping, writing, reading, speaking, hearing, walking, etc.
You can have what ever your heart desires, you have special gifts and talents that the world is waiting for you to unleash. Jesus Christ is an advocate for you to call upon. Life in this world can be so overwhelming and God wants you to do more than sit in his waiting room. He wants you to be victorious.
Open your Bible to Isaiah 58:9. And ask God according to what this verse says to make himself real to you now ! Tell him you are tired of 20 years in his waiting room. Ask Jesus Christ to help you get out of this waiting room. He has told you he would in the Bible. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I understand what you are trying to say HairDetangliers but a lot of people don't believe in God and your remarks aren't helpful unless they do. There are lots of sites where 'Bible bashing' is accepted but it is not really appropriate on a depression site.
Yes Humphrey don't know what to say really. I've seen you post a few times and my own perspective varies according to how i am feeling though my situation is the same.
I'm 56 never married no children; never saw my life being like that and like you when i am feeling terrible about myself that is what I focus on and it all feels horrendous; then it lifts and though I regret the things I have been unable to experience I just don't feel so bad about it in that kind of mood.
I like the ideas you have put across in your post. I think for me to try and keep as physically healthy as I can (which is difficult with my spine and muscle condition) and the phrase "it will pass" coming in useful that is my recipe right now. I havn't had a really bad episode for about 3 weeks now. There were times very recently when I was genuinely suicidal and now that feels unreal so I do need to remind myself it will pass and doesn't last 24/7.
I would love to find a compatible relationship; I would love involvement with children. I sometimes get afraid that I wont' be able to make those connections but at the moment I find I still have connections even though my family is dimishing fast; I only have two relatives left alive and I am worried for when my dad dies whether I will continue but I sort of have to. With dad at the moment he is early 90's and its the same old same old but at least he is there.
Soon it will be just me where I am and that is frightening but I guess I keep hoping for new avenues and do find that partly I can make things happen and partly that there are still things and people there for me; its a 50/50 thing.
Hope this helps someone. Being on the forum is really meaningful for me and a big part of the connection that I need to feel.
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