Family and death.

[Maman2144]

My family is quite dysfunctional and for many years I have tried to cope them by not visiting. My father is now dying and I am getting aggro from my stepmother for not visiting him. I live in Scotland and they live in Doncaster. I cannot see the point of going all that way to hold the hand of an unconscious man. I said my goodbye at Xmas.  It sounds so selfish but I have just come out of counselling and finally feeling hopeful. They were the problem, not one of them has ever visited me, I always have to go to them.  My stepmother is the primary problem, she likes playing emotional games , While sympathizing at my difficulties at mixing with groups of people, she arranged for half of the rest of my family to arrive and turned into a party. Then she tells me we all thought you looked unwell. My father has been ill for the last twenty years and every time I have been subjected to emotional blackmail to visit, then there is a miraculous recovery. This time I just can't do it. My husband has been a great support , I couldn't do without him but I wish the other's would leave me alone. Sorry this has been a long post but I thought it's got to be better than crying and letting them get to me again. Regards Lorna

[Stilltrying_]

I'm glad you felt able to post up about this. Emotional blackmail is called that because it plays on our emotions but you are doing well in realising what is going on and resisting it.

 Now he is dying you are bound to feel a bit guilty as you are a nice person and caring  and are tuned into trying to be fair to people  but I think you are doing the right thing by sticking to what you said originally;  namely that you said goodbye to him at Christmas and that you won't be going. 

Sending hugs your way 

Gemma x

[Maman2144 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you.  I will be glad when it's all over.

[Hidden]

Hi I agree with Gemma.   How is your stepmother contacting you?   If you don't want contact with her then stop her doing it.   x

[Maman2144 in reply to Hidden]

She knows how to manipulate , we only have contact over the phone, it's just little digs that get under my skin. I and my husband have decided that after it's all over we won't have any more contact.

[Hidden in reply to Maman2144]

Take her number out of your phone and block her?  x

[Hidden]

Your step mother sounds just like my mother. I have distanced myself from her and other family members for my own sanity. She is highly manipulative and creates drama. Plays one person off against each other and always is the victim. It is so emotionally draining especially when other family members get involved but only know a distorted side and have been conditioned to think the worst of you. You have to do what you think is right. If you can't do it don't. If you follow what you think is right for him and you then you are doing the right thing. 

I know I will be in your situation when any of my family goes and thought a lot about it and I feel for you as you are torn between what's right for you and what they think is right. So damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Glad to hear you have a good partner, that's a major positive in these isolating situation.

Take care 

Katie.