I am not the happiest camper at the moment. Yesterday I gave boyfriend £60 to buy boots he needed for work. He knew the exact amount they would cost... He went to the shop and they didn't have his size in stock. So he spent the money on shirts.
AND here is the kicker. He said if he can't find the boots he needs tomorrow - he will buy them on line with my credit card. I'll give you the money he said in front of his friend. And I said I already gave you the money. He needs those boots.
If you are a person reading this that does similar things to their partner I hope you see know much it hurts to be put in such a position. My boyfriend has charged things before to my credit card and not paid me back. In his head he feels he spent a lot on me. However not really as he already owes me over £200 and I also buy him gifts throughout the year.
Money and love are like politics and religion. They should never cross. It is so unkind to put me in a position like this.
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LaceyTiel
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The answer is simple. Don't give him money or your credit card! Are you a mug or something? Bev x
More of an ATM! *kidding* I have a problem because I feel he is my family. And who wouldn't want to help out their parents of brother or sister if they needed £60 to buy boots for work- kind of mind set.
I am from a very broken home of parents have multiple marriages and half sibling and I left very young because they were trying to put me in foster care. I have no contact with any of them for maybe 15 years minus my mother I ring a few times a month. She actually stole money from me and wanted to use my charge cards too. And I said no.
So my reasoning of how you would want to treat a family member is certainly not from examples set for me!
I know I would never put anyone else in this kind of situation. I am a bit stingy on myself. I hunt bargains and deny myself things I really need to have. I was on antibiotics and got a feminine infection that can happen after taking antibiotics. And I felt the medication was too expensive so I toughed it out for a week instead. That is just one example. I know that is wrong and yes it is stupid! Then in my own head I saved that money I didn't spend.
So I am cheap and stingy a bit... But when it comes to someone I love I would do almost anything for if I could. That is why I have a savings account because I am so careful. For example I have no cell-phone, cable or even a television. That adds up to saving a lot of money most people do spend on these expensives. Money means sercurity to me. But in my head I just can't fathom how people like my boyfriend and family must feel now as they are into over £ 500,000 debt. And about to loose their home right now.
My exboyfriend said to me I would buy him a flat screen television and a PS3 video game computer to have at my home for him to enjoy while visiting me. I would not enjoy those things myself. And I never bought them for him. So I do stand my ground if I really feel taken advantage of.
Hi Bev- I wrote a reply on Photogeek's question I also meant for you! I have a bit of a passive agressive side to me that I don't like about me. I need to learn to communicate better and more clearly. I am the kind of person that would give away the last slice of pizza even if I was starving and about to collapse of hunger. It is not a good look. I am learning to be stronger though. Someone asked me for a favour today and I said no. If I could turn away more things I think I would be a whole lot less stressed!
Take the shirts back and get a refund. Sorry easier said than done! but your situation is an abusive one, he may not hit you but he is manipulative and greedy.
I hope you find the courage to look after your purse and your situation.
If you don't want to spend the money on him, try say NO. Draw a line and make it clear what your views are on this. He may object because he has got used to a certain way of behaving with you, but you will have to explain that you made a mistake and in future he has to pay his own way. His reaction will tell you all you need to know about his character and then it is up to you to decide if that is acceptable to you.
In fact, why not go one step further and ask for a repayment of the money you lent in the first place which he spent on the wrong thing. If he says it is not fair because he has blown all his money and you have more than him, tell him that 'relationships' are supposed to be two way. Maybe he could do something for you to pay off the money though, such as gardening or driving you places. Ok, it makes it a little like you are the boss, but men have been behaving like this for years.
Honestly though, if you want a man who does not take you for a ride, don't start by offering him one in the first place.
I told him about the sufficient purchase he made on my card earlier this year. He gave me £50 less than he should of on his £650 purchase. At the time he thought he did pay me in full but then came in my bank statement. I told him how I enjoy choosing to buy him gifts but I don't like giving gifts that I did not choose to. He said he understood what I was saying. I gave him two more sufficient gifts since that time. There has been a few times he said he was going to give me money for a purchase on-line but then didn't make the purchase or give me the money in the end. I wonder if he is thinking about the £50 he owes me. I am not sure.
He buys meals for me sometimes and some grocery items. But that still doesn't equal out to the amount of money I spent on him. Then there was two times he told me to buy items for myself from him- and he would give me the money. It was my birthday two years ago and near Christmas last year. I like what I bought so I can let that slide. Although I normally would not be so generous with myself.
It is a very difficult situation to be put in and shows that you are someone who wants to demonstrate your love in a very practical financial way. I may be wrong but it almost feels as if you feel there should be a balance between what you give financially and what you receive financially. I am wondering what the reasons for this are.
It appears to be an issue for you that he spent the money on something that wasn't agreed, the shirts. Is that right?
It appears you are angry that he has bought things on your credit card, agreed to pay you back and then not done it.
I am wondering if you and your boyfriend have different attitudes to money and maybe this is something to talk about?
Thank-you for your reply. Yes we did talk about this. It is just like he is in another world when it comes to money. He is generous and tipping very high at restaurants and buying his friends meals and rounds of drinks. And I am very careful with my purse strings. I have a system where I divide my wage up so instead of thinking in money- I think in minutes. It really stops unnecessary spending. So you see something you would like to buy and it costs £20 pounds. And say you make £10 pounds an hour. Look at that item and ask yourself if you would work two hours at your job just to have that item.. The answer is just what you feel comfortable with. I don't go to restaurants that would cost me a full days wage just to have a meal. I don't think a lot of people realize how much they really are spending sometimes. I spend two days salary a month on groceries and household items. I pay 8 days of salary on my rent and utilities for my home. I think this is the best way to budget myself. At Christmas when people are buying a lot of gifts - things should be on a sliding scale although they are not. If everyone is expected to spend the same amount of money on gifts- the person who earns the lower salary really is giving more.
I think you might be happier with someone who is more like yourself. You have strong views on money, not necessarily wrong or right, which you may be unwilling to change. Your partner seems to have a very relaxed view of money. If you were able to 'rub off on each other' you might meet in the middle but if not I think it could become a huge problem. If losing your money means more to you than a relationship then make sure you don't wait too long.
HI he is really tipping generously and paying for friends meals out of your money isn't he? Have you thought of it like that? If he needed the money to buy his boots then he should have got them before he was showing off flashing the cash (your cash). x
Don't be used like this the longer you allow him to do this the more he will do it and the more the price will go up. Sounds to me like he needs to stand on his own two feet. You need to be able to say no to him before this gets out of hand and he just sees you as a door mat.
I hope you get it becuse if you keep doing it he will contiune to spend your money and not his. People like him are not worth it money is not a reason to be with somone as its false
When you are a couple and you have an agreement on money whereby you share one persons income because the other person provides something else, such as childcare, you are dealing with an equal. What this sounds like is that you are allowing this guy to treat you as a parent, and like a child he is trying it on. This does sound like a pattern in your relationships. Even as a child you were trying to teach your Dad how to manage money.
Maybe you could spend the money on counseling to work out how to have a relationship where you accept other people's view on money (or other things) without feeling the need to change them, and learn how, when people cross the line and abuse your trust, you should react. And when you have learned this, can you please come and tell me, coz I have been guilty of the same, thanks.
Don't want to say it but he's. Using YOU and your letting him do it he knows how to get around you.
Hello LaceyTiel and hello my friends I haven't been here for ages, I hope everyone is well!
LaceyTiel you are a very smart girl, you've worked out the most important thing in all this, it isn't about him, its bout you. How you are and what you want for yourself. I can't tell you what to do, but I would like to share this and hope it helps.
For a number of years I was in a violent relationship, my childhood and young adulthood was far from perfect. How people expect you to make great decisions be a huge success when you don't have the support, I don't understand, but they do. So like you I ended up in a co-dependent relationship.
First thing to understand not all relationships are co-dependant so that was a revelation (if you don't know what it means look it up its very interesting)
Anyway I digress, the violence got worse, my life was falling part I had a stressful managerial post and needed to be efficient, being knocked about at home doesnt help believe me. He was 6ft4 and muscly Im 5ft4 ...lol. Anyway I like you needed help, so I went to the doctors and got 6 weeks councelling.
I have to tell you LaceyTiel that councelling gave me the confidence to leave, to build a better life for myself, to grow as a person. Now I haven't got all the answers but things are much better, I have not had violence in my life for over 10 years.
Just humour me if you go for councelling what have you got to lose, all your doing is investing in yourself, but to me you need help. Im not saying your BF is violent or abuses you Im just saying you need a little guidance (we all do from time to time, no shame in it).
You can't see the problem while you are in it, or have the strength to make the right choices.
You are a good and kind person and right now you don't get to be your happy natural self. Find someone my love, find an out side person a councellor to teach you how you can cope. You may stay with your BF and your relationship may change and blossom because of that.
You said it yourself you know this is wrong, so be easy on yourself, find the help, dont tell anyone, keep it to yourself and move upward in your life not down. Don't blame him, he's just doing what you let him, don't blame you, you are doing your best, but change things LaceyTiel change things and make a better life for you and you will both be happier.
I wish you all the best, for my part I want you to be happy and reach your full potential, okay so we had a bad start in life doesn't mean we have to have a bad end.
Look to the future Angel and build something better for yourself, slowly, with deep breaths and lots of rest and overall be very very kind to yourself. You are only ever doing your best no one can ask more of you. Wishing you all the luck life can bring you. You can do this you are a strong and resourceful person.
One wonderful sure thing in life, nothing ever stays the same, life always changes and while there is room for change there is hope for positive change in your life.
Thank-you for your very in depth reply and kindness. I did go see a counsellor once when I was dating a 'functional alcoholic'. He drank 9 beer a night to 'sleep' he said. I often bought the drink for him even though I rarely if ever drink anything myself. He was hurtful and said things like I walk like an ape and pronounce words wrong. There was no winning. If anything I walk very swiftly and also enjoy running. But he was so awful and had me in tears most of the time.
I went to a counsellor who listened to me and then closed his notebook and told me to 'dump him". Well that sounds kind of blunt for the counsellor to say- but it was the first time I even thought of that.
We broke up over 3 years ago and often I think of him and am so grateful he is gone. He tried to cause trouble in my new relationship and showed up at my workplace and waited in his car outside my home leaving messages on my phone that he saw me and knows I am home. Quite scary at the time. But after seeing my new boyfriend he backed down and squirreled away. Abusive people are just pathetic bags of loud hot air. They don't want to be with someone unless they can build their ego while stripping their 'loved' one to shreds.
It does change a person after being threw domestic violence. It makes knowing how to trust and set boundaries difficult. People feel very badly for children in abusive homes. But when those children grow up they might not be abused anymore but things do bleed into their adult life and relationships.
Thank-you so much for your personal and caring reply. It does mean a lot to me and it does give me more courage & strength.
When someone talks to you in a personally abusive manner you really do not need to defend yourself. The very fact they think it ok to say these things is enough to walk away from them. Can you imagine someone else being told these things in front of you? Well no doubt you would be furious with the guy and call him out, so why on earth even begin to argue the point with him when it is about you.
Whatever these bully boy people might think, it has no positive intent or result and they should be told that. People like that do not deserve an answer, and I cannot see why you would want to 'win' against them. They do not believe the comments they make or they would not be with you in the first place. These people are probably narcissists who have a high expectation of their partners, but then love to try to bring them down using verbal abuse. Take their insults as a reflection of their mental state, and a strange sort of reverse compliment to yourself.
Well done, you have all the answers (inside) and you are obviously resourceful, I'm just nudging you with a reminder you have options. You're obviously a smart cookie, don't change for anyone
If your first bf was a horse I think he would have been a kicker and biter, a sour old gelding that hung around you because you were a source of good oats. No wonder you felt you needed a fine young stallion to drive him away. Maybe though this second horse has got a bit too much to handle, and is too expensive to keep, and it is time to send him to pastures new. Then in time, if you really really need a horse, find a nice gentle horse that you actually enjoy being around. Maybe try out several on a few months trial before settling though.
What a clever analogy! Made me smile and also see the truth in your words! It may sound silly but honestly every single day after I accepted the inevitable end of my sour old gelding pulling my reigns - I feel so thankful he is not in my life anymore. May 2012 on his birthday he spent the night at my house. He had every intention of ending our relationship and came over for one last trough of free food and gifts. I spent three hours baking him a potato cake that turned out perfectly. And he shrugged it of saying it was okay. I ordered in a pizza of his choice and he got into a fight with the driver- and then complained the pizza was not good- which it was perfectly fine. He wanted to watch a movie and his selection was too violent for my liking. And he got angry at me. Then he put on some painfully boring hockey program and got angry at me again for 'missing the best part' when I had to get up to use the restroom. Then he wanted to,open his birthday presents from me. He is a football fanatic and I bought him three liscened products from his teams official website. He openly loved one of the and openly hated 2 of them. The next day when he left for the train I knew it was the end of our relationship? If you can call it that. Early in Christmas 2011 he promised me a 'promise ring'. And instead gave me a very cheap pewter ring and a rhinestone necklace that he put on me backwards with the rhinestone towards my jumper- and shrugged it off like it was too much effort to take the chain off and put it on properly. And he left the price tags on. In total the ring and the necklace cost under £10 pound. For New Years I had to work until 11:00pm. I ran home excited to put on my new dress and spent midnight ringing in the new year. I came home to him passed out drunk and then he woke up very groggy. I said I wanted to go change out of my work clothes and into my new dress and he was speaking like a drunk person asking me why would I want to do that because what good would it do anyway.Our very first Christmas was 2010 and I lived 9 hours away from him on the train. He invited me. Then once I was there he kept me in an attic loft that was freezing cold while he spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his family. He said I would need a full make over and all new clothes before I could meet his mother. She is a miner's daughter from Wales and his step-Dad grew up in an orphanage. I find it hard to believe I was so awful to meet them because I am not from high society or Royal blood. He left me alone in the attic for the entire holiday and made me a pineapple pizza when he got home. He stole my Rx pain medication and went threw my suitcase commenting on my clothes. When threw my wallet and made fun of me for just having coupons and £5 pound inside. CONSTANTLY he mocked me and he hit me three times. Each time saying it was supposed to be a joke. Once he asked me what my favourite light colour on the Christmas tree- I answered blue- and he hit me so hard on my head I fell straight on the floor across the room. He said he did it because that was his favourite colour. .?? And then during intimate relations he brusied my face and hit me somehow and someway that blacked and purpled the inside area of my ear. And also hit me again in a way I am not sure how - causing my teeth to cut into the opposite cheek of my face. One time I complained he hit me and he said I better show him a bruise worthy of it or he would give me one. This was such a low life. He had a criminal record and had it 'pardoned' twice for the same offence. I am so glad he is gone. It was like I was brainwashed and finally got my mind back when we were over! My current boyfriend did impress me yesterday showing me his new work boots and giving me a thank-card for them. I dont know where he got the money to buy them after already shopping for shirts. But he did. And he bought me a cute plaid purse and candy. I think he either found my posts on HU or he saw how upset I was. I am not sure. The next time he gets a substantial gift from me will be Christmas. And no more credit card purchases until I see the cash on my hands first. My current boyfriend is a very big person. 6'5" and he absolutely hates any man who is violent towards women, children or animals. I do know of one of his past ex-girlfriend who had a drink problem and one night was violent towards him. And he walked away and firmly said the relationship was over. I respect that. My brother was knocked out from his now ex wife from her hitting him in the back of his head with a frying pan. So violence can happen vice versa too. I am not violent at all and honestly can't remember ever raising my voice in anger. At my very worse I do have a streak of passive aggressive in me. But that is pretty rare too.
Caroline, that is very well put. I too have been through similar experiences, and understand how hard it is to live in a way that takes care of yourself, when all you have been taught is that you are not worth it. And where to start?
The thing is about violence is those who have not been in a violent household don't understand it and that maybe as it should be.
However their expectations of you and what you can achieve, as a result are completely unrealistic. They have no idea what it is to be walking on egg shells all the time, not ever really relaxing, to have things change rapidly with no predictable rhythm and then to make reasonable effective decisions. Sometimes you can but mostly its like being in fog.
Anyway at least for you and I it is over and we can move on All good XX
If it is your family who is abusive, it is never really over where they are concerned. You can learn about being assertive, you can learn how to spot an abuser, you can learn how to ditch someone who is crossing a line and you can learn to speak up in the world, but when you go home, you step right back into it.
Hi Caroline whilst I agree with you I would point out that there are different kinds of violence, the physical side and the mental one. I didn't grow up in a physically abusive home but did in a mentally abusive one. I know all about walking on eggshells and thinking very carefully before I said anything in case it should trigger an explosion. Sometimes they would happen without that and I used to drive myself mad trying to work out why. I used to think I was to blame....
From time to time when me and my sisters got home from school my mother would be in a rage, tearing round the house shouting viciously. We would escape to the garden and wait for our youngest sister to come home coz she seemed to be able to handle her. Well she was the favourite. This has really affected her and set the pattern for the family as she is the one who takes charge of family matters. . She recently told me how awful my mum was to her before she calmed down and how much abuse she had to take.
I am well used to dealing with abuse and mind games but am terrified of physical violence coz I have (thankfully) never been used to it, but the rest I can relate to. Bev x
My Dad used to fly off the handle, and my Mum used to send me in to talk to him because apparently I was the only one who could get through to him. This was from the age of about 10. So I learned how to appease an angry man. I have even been used as the go between by my Mum with my siblings, for when they went through their rebellious phases. I should have become a hostage negotiator, ha ha. Seriously though, I feel very angry at being used, although when I was young I was foolishly quite proud of myself for being able to calm people down, even though it was often at my expense. I suppose it made me feel special for once. I hardly ever got praised for anything else.
I grew up to believe that taking responsibility for calming other peoples anger was a quality to be proud of, which of course led me into bad relationships. Walking away was never an option, not until things got so bad I had to run.
More recently I found support on the internet, here and on other sites, and started leaving situations I felt uncomfortable in, rather than staying and suffering, but I would really like to get to the stage where I felt perfectly natural just letting other peoples bad moods or anger bounce off me, or in calmly telling them to leave me alone. Do you think this is possible?
Thank-you to everyone for your kind words, encouragement, advice and caring. Money has always been seen in a different light for me. I remember living in our family bungalow and not having actual walls. They were the wooden frame work- I think are called studs? I am not sure. I remember wondering why I didn't have some of the ordinary kids at school had. I remember a little girl running up to me to walk with her because she was being 'teased' and taunted by unpleasant children. She told me why.. And I needed to hear it a few times before I could even find a problem about it. 'My mother uses soap suds and a washboard.. ' the girl told me. And??? What on earth was wrong with that? I learned at a young age it was common for people in groups to be jerks to others even if there was no valid reason. I bet a lot of their mothers used soap suds and a washboard too! I was bullied so much as a child. I ended up anorexic at a very young age I think to try to cope with the stress. Money was always on my family's mind. I remember telling my father I will never have bills upstanding. I was around 10 years of age. My dad kindly suggested I would have bills one day- such as an electrical power bill. And I told him no... I will buy batteries for my lantern and have lots of candles. That was my child's mind trying to solve the problem of avoiding debt before it even started! I remember my dad said again kindly that I still would have bills for the batteries and candles I bought. And I said no because I would pay in cash. Kind of cute really. I just saw the stress outstanding bills caused my family. The using of one credit card to pay off the balance of another credit card. Going to old lost and found boxes to find glasses that might work for me. And the typical plastic bags in the boots and sleeping on a winter coat in my bed with ice frozen thick on the inside of the windows. Now that I am an adult I really learned from those experiences. I am happy I had them because it makes me appreciative for so many things still today. I volunteered in the 3rd world for many years when I was a young adult. Those children were very special and memorable at the orphanages. The wages paid to local people there would be just a few pounds a month at times. Sometimes you would see a lady with a sewing machine on the side of the road basically working as a vendor. Such a different way of life. I seen people wash their dishes in running sewer water along the side of the street. Many of them seemed very happy like no one ever told them life could be different than all then struggles they deal with daily.
my ex wife started to slap me first it was lightly then it got more intense as the lost her temper once when I was sleeping she put a pillow over my face I woke up in time but she stood over me and the look in her eyes said it all
I left after another row she stood right up too me and said "hit me" I moved her away and walked out I returned later that evening too find her parents had packed all my clothes and things in the living room I moved out lost a new house was only married a year it's not easy when you think you love someone sorry for the long post
Her parents did you a favour. They probably knew what she was like and saved you from having to make this difficult decision yourself. It is much harder to leave when someone is apologising and begging for forgiveness.
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