Dying

[Humphrey42]

It is really surprising how people don't understand. Death = how quickly, how fast a car is going to kill you without too much pain. I am the walking dead. Goodnight, too indifference and apathy.

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Hi Humprey

Welcome to the site. We have all experienced depression, many of us deeply, and will support you as best we can, when you feel more up to it we would welcome your support too.

It sounds as though at the moment you are struggling to find life meaningful. If you feel you really do not want to live then we can't prevent you from killing yourself but the Samaritans are available 24/7 and will listen if you need that. In the meantime we will do our best to support you.

You say you are the walking dead - that is very sad - but it is a feeling that I know from my own experiences although a long time ago and it is not something I feel any more. I now feel very much alive - and I think that in time you can be helped to feel that way too.

You say you are feeling too indifferent and too much apathy - that is sad but ok. You do not have to write more if you do not feel like it, but when you do we are here. Meanwhile if you feel desperate do contact the Samaritans, you can google their number and they will stay with you as long as you need them to.

Suexx

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Do you really believe it'll be painless? I thought of it before but decided against it, being dragged under a car? Can't see how that would be pain free. I guess if a car travelling fast enough would make it quickish but what if I lingered for a minute or two? The pain would be intense. And what about the people in the car? What if there's a baby in the car? What would the driver go through? I guess it wouldn't matter because they'd be a stranger. What about my friends and family? They'd get over it, right? Might take a while, what's a few years? Sure they'd question themselves for a while, wondering if they could have said or done anything different. It might even take them a decade or 2 but they'd get over it. Besides you must have tried everything to get the better of the depression, right? There's no hope. Wrong. There always is. Here we can help & support you if you want it, perhaps we can help you find hope. We don't understand? Wrong. We understand better than you realise, so test us. What have you got to lose other than a day or two?

[MsSad]

Hi Humphrey, to be honest i'm not sure what to say but wanted you to know that i have read your post and that you are not alone.

I know the feeling of walking dead, of existing rather than living, of feeling there's no point to anything but please know that you wont always feel this way.

I hope that the fact that you have posted tonight suggests you're not ready to give up quite yet, the number for samaritans is 08457 909090. Please call them and/or keep posting on here. I have called them myself and found that just having someone on the other end of the phone helped a little in relieving some of the desperation i felt.

Please take care of yourself x

[Gambit62]

Hi Humphrey -

It wouldn't just be a question of the speed of the car but also hitting you in the right way and I'm pretty sure that it isn't fair to use the driver of the car in that way.

Would be really nice to have an off switch that you could just press and it would all be over - think that is where I am at the moment. Not really a question of meaning so much as just being at the end of my tether in terms of struggling to cope and just wanting not to struggle any more.

I lost my dad over 10 years ago and it really can knock you over in ways that you don't expect and I know I've really struggled with feeling that there is any purpose to carrying on. I don't have children either. My mother is still alive but I don't really get on with her so that's more one of the things I have to cope with when I just feel I can't cope - it's more the struggling with the feeling that I can't cope that's the problem at the moment.

From your profile it looks like may be you were doing okay for a while and didn't need to let the misery out for a number of months. Is there something that has triggered things again. ?Dad's anniversary? mum unwell? or have you had a virus that has left you at a low ebb.

[Stilltrying_]

Hello Humphrey42

It seems to me from reading your posts that you go through cycles of sort of "keeping yourself all in" and functioning pretty well work wise but isolated socially, and then you seem to get in touch with your emotional needs which are not being met and have a "big depression" like this? Would that be correct? A lot of us on here have thoughts about killing ourselves when we

are unhappy or unable to tolerate how we are feeling. I myself also get ideas

like this particularly about the "immediacy of someone being there and not being there".

I have read some of your old posts (hope you don't mind but it helps me build up a picture); in one you did say that you had a significant bereavement when you were very young (although another post seems to contradict this?) This would account for this fear over the tenuousness of human life and connection; but even if this isn't the case, it seems to me that emotionally you have felt uncared for and unrecognised. You manage to "manage" this a lot of the time as I think you try and live in your head. But then of course this (the (emotionally) violently self punitive depression) happens as it will as we all need connection and love but you tend to blame yourself for not having what you need? It seems you can be quickly "triggered" into your emotional side which is not feeling good at all and feels easily annihalated by insensitive comments from others but then you can get back to your "other side" which is functioning reasonably well?

I wonder what it is that happened yesterday to trigger you again? Can you think of what it was as that may help you to understand and calm the feeling a bit.

Do phone the Samaritans if you are still feeling the same. 08457 909090 or you can e-mail them and they will reply within 24 hours. [e-mail] I think but please check this out; just type in Samaritans on Google.

Just wondering and sorry if you have mentioned about this elsewhere as I did not have time to read absolutely everything but would you maybe benefit from some gentle exploration of why you get to feel like this and maybe commit to carrying on with it even when you start to feel better, as I think you could be someone that once they start to feel better they dismiss that emotional side of them.

Please Ignore if all this is rubbish but it is just a feeling I get about you and the only way in my opinion to not feel like this in the longterm is to get more of a balance between your intellectual and emotional sides. Although at the moment if the suicidal feelings are "full on" that has to be your immediate priority of course.

Gemmalouise X

[Humphrey42 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thanks for the words. I think what triggered it was having a bad weekend, bored, monday blues and having a argument in a pub in the evening. I think you are right about the emotional side of things. Social isolation is not good for anyone. I have to make an effort to do something at least once a week. Its funny but my Dad was the same in later years. Going down the pub, every nite so wouldnt be alone. Alcohol is a killer, just makes me feel bad, at the end of the day, with no real change in what I want to do, that engage/ social with people. Its funny how I find it harder to be happy. when in the past seemed reasonably content. Suffer from minor anxiety issues, fear of driving, swiiming. Good thing that has changed is that suicide feelings fall away quickly. I have and continue to try and understand what make me depressed and what quickly will make me feel better. Exercise helps a lot.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi back, yes I would agree that exercise can help a lot, and you seem aware of the pattern of going to the pub and then the alcohol making things worse. It can be harder to be happy as we get older,as when we are young things tend to "just happen" more, or so I found. Really maybe you need to adjust to being older and not trying to live the same lifestyle you were living when younger or expecting the same things to "work" (like going to the pub) (as they don't always )? Or maybe it may seem to you you are "suddenly older" without having fulfilled what you had expected you would do (marriage, children etc)

as you often point out about your lonliness athough it mainly hits you at weekends.

My personal opinion is that yes although it is important for you to understand the triggers for the worst of your depression and how to quickly reduce those symptoms, maybe also you could think about working at some more long term change that will actually lead to the kind of long-term fulfillment you want in life? As a man you are still young enough to find a partner and have children if that is what you really desire; have you ever looked at the Happiness Trap by Russ Harris? Here is a link to some of it but there is more online including worksheets.(I have gambit 62 to thank for recommending this on another post) actmindfully.com.au/upimage...

Basically it all about how to stop struggling and to start living (without "gimmicks"; there are some really good techniques in there and some really good philosophy) and I think it is the sort of thing that might help you. Another thing which could help if you have the money for it would be some private therapy (psychodynamic probably) looking at your relationships with your parents as you have said some things about this in previous posts.

Hope this is helpful. I do worry that you may be a little settled in this "pattern," thinking that it is all you can hope for but I do think you could aim at more than this, more lasting fulfillment in your life.

It would take committment of course (as everything worthwhile does) but then you would hopefully avoid these sorts of very "intensely negative" (though shortlived) feelings as your life would be more balanced and happier generally.

Gemmalouise X