I have been suffering from depression for about 18months and for a while during the summer I was feeling much better and started to get my confidence back so I decided I needed a new start andmaybe I should look for a new job.
I think it's been the worst mistake of my life so far. At first I did find it difficult to keep up with what was going on as it is a brand new job in a new industry and something I have never done before but I perservered as I was determined that it would be fine and I would be fine. I think the depression was always in the back of my mind but I was working hard to try and forget about it.
But, since my new manager started things have been awful. She is so rude and unhelpful. I'm only in my mid 20s so I still have a lot to learn and I thought this job would be a good opportunity to learn something new. I haven't learned anything apart how rubbish and useless I am. She made me cry in the office because she shouted at me in front of people because my work wasn't good enough. Something which I actually disagree with because i worked hard on it, it wasn't perfect - but who is? And then she told me crying in the office made her look bad.
This sort of thing has been going on for a while. I explained to her that I have been suffering from depression and I thought I was getting better but sometimes I still struggle. She said I had to 'get on with life' and she wasn't going to be sympathetic because I'm not the only one in the world with problems. I know!!!! I don't want to be treated like a child but I think I was expecting a bit of understanding. My manager at my previous job was really understanding and supportive and maybe I was somewhat naively expecting that others would be understanding and supportive too. It seems not.
I tried to talk to her about how she speaks to me but she wouldn't listen and said that I was rude and lazy and she has to speak to me like a child because I don't listen. She also said that people have complained at my atitude. I know this can't be true because I'm really shy at work so I don't speak to many people, and if I do, I know that I would never be like this because it's just not me.
I've spoken to another manager about the situation because I am really worried that the situation is going to get worse before it gets better and I can't cope. In the last couple of months I've gone from feeling a bit low but it being managable to I really can't cope. I'm struggling to get out of bed again, I am tearful all the time, I've lost my appetite and I'm feeling almost as low as I did at the beginning of my depression. I'm terrified, I really don't want to go back to that state but I'm losing the energy to hold on in case it gets better.
The positivie things to come out of this is that I have spoken to my parents, which is something I've never really done before because I find it easier to keep things to myself than talk about them. I have great flatmates and I have great friends so I know that I have people to talk to when I need it.
Depression sucks. But what sucks more is people who don't want to understand
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katie2012
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I am sorry you are struggling with depression and also not getting the understanding and support anyone deserves - your new manager sounds completely uncaring - I wonder whether she is angry that SHE has to cope when she would actually like to be able to let herself be depressed.
How to deal with it is difficult and depends a lot upon the kind of company you work for. If you have a personnel department then I would suggest your first port of call is to talk with them to see whether they have any in-house counselling which would give you the support you need, also discussing with them the way to deal with your current situation with your boss would be helpful and ensure they are aware of your intention and efforts to resolve the situation in a mature way. You could also talk with them about any issues around your actual work that they feel they might help you to resolve. If it is a large company I wonder is there any way you can transfer to another department if necessary as you are unlikely to change your manager's character - she sounds really quite abusive and unprofessional, particularly shouting at you in front of other staff - she should have taken you aside and dealt with it privately but instead she humiliated you in front of your colleagues and that is always harmful. The manager sounds quite abusive.
If the company is smaller and does not have personnel support then I think the only option will probably be to find another job as having an abusive line manager makes going to work hell! I had a similar situation in one job but was lucky enough to have support from my husband.
Your line manager says you are rude and lazy - I wonder why she thinks that? You say you have been able to talk with your parents and that they are supportive, also that you have supportive flatmates - so you know it is not your inability to form good relationships that is the problem between you and the line manager. You say you spoke to another manager at work - I wonder what his view is? Does he find you difficult, if you feel able to you might ask him whether he sees you as difficult in relation to others at work.
No easy answer, but you clearly have the ability to think about what is happening, to express yourself clearly and to look for ways of resolving problems. I think that makes you a good employee. There is nothing wrong with being shy, you need not ever apologise for being who you are.
That post was like a mirror, I really relate to what you’re saying. I’ve been in a very similar position for a while with my job.
Your boss sounds to me like a vintage workplace narcissist. The reason there are so many stories out there so very like your own is that narcissists are inherently attracted to management positions. They live in a psychological fantasy where the world is them, and everyone else exists to do what they want. Management positions actually allow them to enact this every day by giving them formal power over other people, which is why unfortunately a lot of them become managers, when they are actually the last people who should be.
I think the part about her shouting at you in the office and then blaming you for making her look bad is very telling. Clearly she is at fault there. That is totally unprofessional conduct, regardless of whether her opinions are justified or not. As Sue says, she should speak to you in private, not humiliate you in front of everyone. Blaming you for making her look bad is classic narcissist behaviour – instead of acknowledging her own mistake, she blames you for “overreacting” to maintain her illusion that she is never at fault, and it is everyone else, not her. Narcissists ultimately actually have no true self-esteem, and they maintain a veneer of it in their own mind by convincing themselves in every situation that they are in the right.
How does she treat everyone else who works for her?
That said, I am of course not a psychologist, this is just my opinion based on my own experience of dealing with such people. It could be resolvable through a mediation process with your HR department (if there is one), or asking for a transfer to another manager. However, I’d suggest reading Sandy Hotchkiss’ book “Why is Always About You?” on narcissism. If that rings bells with what’s happening to you at work, then I think the best thing you can do is find another job. That’s what I’ve ultimately done. You can’t reason with a narcissist, nor will they ever change their behaviour – because they refuse to acknowledge that they need to. They’ll never care about you, because they only care about blocking out their own wounded pride. Your own health is paramount, and no job is worth what it’s doing to you. You don’t deserve to be treated the way you are, you deserve much better than that.
I’m currently working my notice period before switching to my new job elsewhere. It was a stressful process getting a new job, but in the end it’s very liberating, because it reasserts your own self. When you’re dealing with someone like your boss, you get swallowed up by their mind games, and lose your own sense of self-worth. Maybe it’s time to pull the trigger on the one thing she absolutely can’t control – whether or not you work there in the first place.
Don’t let it beat you down – I’m sure you have loads to offer any company and manager bright enough to recognise it, and having a job with the right support (for me anyway), really helps with self-confidence and managing depression.
Sorry for the essay! Look after yourself as best you can, you ARE worth the effort of caring for yourself.
Thanks for all your comments on support, it means a lot!
I work for a large organisation who basically wins contracts so we're a sub company (just for background) so we have a centralised HR department but having looked at the intranet there is very little information. But the other person I spoke to said that he will find out what all the procedures are. I am lucky that he was supportive, although I didn't admit that I have also been suffering from depression, I'm not sure whether I should? I find it really difficult to talk about as it as and I am still worried that it won't be taken seriously. I also asked him if I come across as rude and if he has had any concerns, and he said he was surprised that it would even come up as I'm always polite and he can tell I have grown in confidence. It did make me feel a lot better so I am glad that I made the decision to talk to him.
I do want another job, but I'm also thinking maybe I might go part time for a couple of months and do temping just to have a bit of 'me time' and to relax a bit. I think I didn't really take enough time off when I was ill in my previous job and forced myself to keep going. So maybe I have never given myself a chance to fully recover.
Right now, I just want to get home and watch girlie films and hide away for the weekend!!
I hope you are all OK
Hi this sounds like classic bullying to me. I have suffered from this in the past. If you don't have a personel department speak to her manager. Keep a record of everything she says to you, who she says it in front of, the date and how it makes you feel. Include all this in it your notes. I either wouldn't mention your depression or play it down. That is not the issue. She is bang out of order 1. for saying this to you and 2. for saying it in front of others. That's what you need to concentrate on. If your depression is an issue you can offically tell the manager and ask for a stress risk assessment. But I would keep this separate from the main issue. Otherwise the manager could think you are eggerating the situation. Your employer should be able to make 'reasonable adjustments' to help you cope. Look up Health and Safety at work. Your other option if this doesn't work is to take out a grievance against her. That is the last resort though. Do you have a union and are you in it? You can get them involved if necessary. What is important is that you recognise that your manager can tell you off but NOT in such language because it isn't helping you to do your best and NOT in front of other people. The words you use are important. This is the result of my hard won experience. If you want to pm me feel free. Good luck with it all. x
Ps. Don't try to analyse her - that is not your problem. Your problem is how she is behaving towards you. Stick strictly to the facts.
Sounds like you've already got pretty good advice from previous comments, but just wanted to let you know I read your post. If you can manage it, it sounds like going part-time for a bit might be the best course - 'me time' is really important, and yet the part-time work would give you routine and keep you in the working loop. Hope things turn out ok, CG xx
Depression is not a weakness and people always assume that you can with it but in reality, it is hard to and I understand how you feel about your lose of appetite, your emotions all over the place and the general feeling of not wanting to get out off bed in the morning and I agree, depression does totally suck and I agree with secondhandrose about your new manager being completely uncaring, a lot of people will tell you how to handle your depression BUT the only person you should listen to is yourself, its your depression and how you handle it is completely up to you
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