I havnt been here for a while as I've been trying to sort life out and hold it all together but have now crashed and dont see a way out!
I am in bed, not answering the phone, curtains drawn and husband is pretending all is okay! I am familiar with the 'Black Dog' we have been together a while. I have seen my GP, read books taken meds, have had counselling, been seen by CRISIS team, spoken to MIND, Smaritans, etc...but to no avail....I know there isnt a magic wand, people empathise but after asking for help and struggling for so many years, I just cannot cope with life anymore!
Long post...sorry...!
I have suffered from depression for over 10 years but kept it hidden from most people (except husband and two friends) and managed to work and keep going for the majority of the time.
Last year, we were selling our house to downsize and sort out our bad financial situation, but then my Dad became ill. I had to care for my father as he lived with us and I am an only child. I was really struggling, depression kicked in so I had time off work to look after him. My employers (a GP surgery) were not supportive so I resigned but luckily my Dad improved and i got a new job (NHS). However, four days before I stated the new job, he suddenly passed away. I managed to keep busy, learning the new job, arranging the funeral and also selling our home. We have had a difficult few months (another long story) and I have been unwell with viruses etc and been off sick a lot. I have also been struggling with the job as its full time and really busy and I am on my feet all day but staff are friendly. My GP gave me sick notes as I felt stressed but he put down depression ( not disclosed before). However, GP says he thinks I have fibromyalgia and iBS (as well as going through the menopause and fighting depression and awaitning an operation for prolapsed bowel). Now, 6 months on, I am still on probation but on a Stage 3 at work due to sickness. I cannot go on pretending anymore..I cannot keep smiling and coping with pain, discomfort and feeling unwell. My Hubby is distant, only exchanging pleasantries...he does not say much except... " we cannot survive if you dont work" ....."you can do this" and " it will get better".... but how!
I want to be the person I used to be..need to be..if I am honest, she has gone!. I switch between the old me, positive and keep trying to be be what I need to be/ used to be but then I crash... so then tell myself I have to admit it that I am different now and cannot do this but that does not pay the bills!
I changed career three years ago to be back into carework again to get job satisfaction and to work full time as we needed the money but now with fbro, IBS and arthritis, I struggle most days, am unreliable and off sick a lot. I am going to lose this job so i think I shoud resign as I have never been on a warning before at work. How do I manage to get another job now, how do we survive?
I feel such a failure!
Written by
millymolly3
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Sorry to hear your going through a really rough time! So much has happened & been going on for you! I'm Sorry to hear about the loss of your father! Please accept my sincerest sympathy!
As you've said you've tried nearly everything available! And so I really don't know what to say that might help in anyway?!?
You are a fighter as I'm sure you know, giving not letting anything beating you, especially with the extra additions to your physical conditions!
Keep fighting and you will start to see that light at the end of your tunnel!
Don't resign. I had a melt down last year. Mind body and soul. And threw in the towel after years in a job I loved. Simply because I felt I was letting the team down. If you have the strength let them call the shots. Ask for occupational health to be involved. Ask for the copy of the assessment, see it as a positive if they are acknowledging your problems re work. (I didn't and it piled on feelings of failure so I bigged up my capabilities). Don't feel guilty about being you, we all do the best we can with what life throws our way. The assessment may come in handy if you go down the benefit route. My boss made life very difficult and got the result he wanted. Me out with little fuss. If you need time off take it. I didn't. If nothing else you will get a couple more months salary. Balance it though, if it's not worth the way you feel. And making you feel worse.Revise plan. But do way the pros and cons.
You have have three major life stresses thrown your way on top of health problems. And don't forget chronic fatigue often goes along with fibromyalgia. You are allowed to stumble a bit. Who wouldn't. All things pass good and bad.
Look after you. Take care.
Throwing you a handful of star dust to light a dark corner. Here catch.
Its a new job though and I have had so much time off already and I hate letting them down. I will now be on Stage three facing dismissal and I am still on probation. I had hoped it was just the main events that have made the last few months hard but I think I have been in denial, I now might have to accept that with these health issues, I cannot work full time, be on my feet all day and I am unreliable as an employee as I never know how I am going to feel each day and how long a 'crash' will last. Occ Health have been in touch twice and I've always been positive, they feel its depression and I am ok to work. I have not fully opened up about fibro, arthritis etc as I wanted to try and keep going and did not want to lose my job. I am supposed to phone in each day and let them know how long I am going to be off which I cannot do..its hard enough facing up to this never mind saying it to your colleagues. I only get SSP so already struggling. I like the job but realistically I can no longer do it. This is really stressful as I have never been on a warning...ever! I do not know how I can hold a job down now!
I hope I don't offend you , I have a husband with a similar attitude and for some reason I feel that gives me the right to speak my mind. You must be so tired and why wouldn't you be depressed? I feel you need to get yourself well physically and mentally. They do better together. What would happen if you quit your job and then tell your man that now is the time you need his help. He could? work two jobs or pick something up on weekends. Give up a few extras. Sell the house, pay off bills, rent a flat, move in with family, get a renter. You probably don't want to do any of that, but just mentioning it might help him to help you. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Pam
Sending you so much love! I'm so sorry you are going through such a stressful time on top of your depression.
I completely understand the way you feel with partners who almost do not understand or know how to cope. I am going through something similar, and wanted to let you know, you are not alone.
make sure you take time for yourself and do things you want to do. Is there anything like excersise, drawing etc that you enjoy?
you are not responsible for everyone else. You are only responsible for you! Especially as you are battling an illness too! You can do it!
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