I havnt been here for a while as I've been trying to sort life out and hold it all together but have now crashed and dont see a way out!
I am in bed, not answering the phone, curtains drawn and husband is pretending all is okay! I am familiar with the 'Black Dog' we have been together a while. I have seen my GP, read books taken meds, have had counselling, been seen by CRISIS team, spoken to MIND, Smaritans, etc...but to no avail....I know there isnt a magic wand, people empathise but after asking for help and struggling for so many years, I just cannot cope with life anymore!
I have suffered from depression for over 10 years but kept it hidden from most people (except husband and two friends) and managed to work and keep going for the majority of the time.
Last year, we were selling our house to downsize and sort out our bad financial situation, but then my Dad became ill. I had to care for my father as he lived with us and I am an only child. I was really struggling, depression kicked in so I had time off work to look after him. My employers (a GP surgery) were not supportive so I resigned but luckily my Dad improved and i got a new job (NHS). However, four days before I stated the new job, he suddenly passed away. I managed to keep busy, learning the new job, arranging the funeral and also selling our home. We have had a difficult few months (another long story) and I have been unwell with viruses etc and been off sick a lot. I have also been struggling with the job as its full time and really busy and I am on my feet all day but staff are friendly. My GP gave me sick notes as I felt stressed but he put down depression ( not disclosed before). However, GP says he thinks I have fibromyalgia and iBS (as well as going through the menopause and fighting depression and awaitning an operation for prolapsed bowel). Now, 6 months on, I am still on probation but on a Stage 3 at work due to sickness. I cannot go on pretending anymore..I cannot keep smiling and coping with pain, discomfort and feeling unwell. My Hubby is distant, only exchanging pleasantries...he does not say much except... " we cannot survive if you dont work" ....."you can do this" and " it will get better".... but how!
I want to be the person I used to be..need to be..if I am honest, she has gone!. I switch between the old me, positive and keep trying to be be what I need to be/ used to be but then I crash... so then tell myself I have to admit it that I am different now and cannot do this but that does not pay the bills!
I changed career three years ago to be back into carework again to get job satisfaction and to work full time as we needed the money but now with fbro, IBS and arthritis, I struggle most days, am unreliable and off sick a lot. I am going to lose this job so i think I shoud resign as I have never been on a warning before at work. How do I manage to get another job now, how do we survive?
I feel such a failure!