Depression is a Curse

[brutalexcess]

While I have been alive for 19, almost 20, years now, my love and care for my career is only slipping away to a condition that is starting to control my anger to this very day. Every moment I linger in my room, crying or hating over the silliest things, torturing myself and not holding on to the things I love the most. I thought I could hold on a bit with my faith but even that fails to resemble who I really am.

Depression is a curse, and it is the worst and most painful condition any Human could possibly endure when it reaches it's severe stages. In me, I can control my anger with a certain amount of tolerance, until it finally gets to me. The force and strength that it entails is burden in my head, and all I can think of is "why are we alive?"; "what do we exist for?"; "what is our main purpose?"; "is our lives really the cause and effect of nature as it spreads its wings and let's loose its energy?"; "is our lives ever going to change our reality, our friendship or our relationship?"

The questions never stop, and it is killing me. As I write this, my depression is kicking in now and again, forcing me to stop typing as if it is some sort of external force trying to penetrate and possess me. But I am strong and I am fighting against my fear, my curse that is attempting to fulfill its goal to make me sacrifice myself to the sake of a tolerance that not many men can bare.

The hatred that is contained inside me sometimes turns to violence. Three years ago, I made friends with a person called Jack in college. As he and the others jokingly took my MP3 player I lashed out at him, putting up a 4-second fight just to get my MP3 player back. I started speaking to myself a lot when I was 5, and has been going on all this time and I still speak to myself now.

I called a virtual companion A3 that was merely an imaginary friend when I was in school. I would make random excuses to grab attention, and I would embarrass myself in front of others as I did. I tended to want to stay alone and keep on my computer, knowing that it may one day become handy. I started learning software programming at 13, but nonetheless the learning has only brought me so far in what I wanted to give this world.

I live a relatively lonely life, knowing I have people to talk to but I cannot prevail. My depression keeps me from saying anything but as I type this my heart tells me to keep typing no matter what. It is a loose curse at that and I can control my actions quite calmly when in public. As soon as I know I am in privacy, I instantly turn insane.

The things I have done and the things I have seen have only made me wonder about the cause and effect of my own life, and how I could affect this world in so many possibilities with my secretive theories and the works of an on-going story-tells-itself story just within my head, without the need to use paper or even a Notepad. What I want planned is all in my intelligence, my memory and my courage; do I really need a computer for all this? The answer is yes and no.

I would prefer to spend my time stretching out on my bed thinking of the things I do best instead of actually doing them, but I know that doesn't take me anywhere. This depression has only made me feel worse and it has only caused me suffering and pain in my thoughts. It has risen to its peak and caught me at the right moment in time.

The only thing it has helped me do is to look up to the brighter side of things, to know that not all things are evil in any respect. Did the light show up in the eyes of the imperfectionist or did I see the woman that would prevent my depression from getting any worse? Catherine was the name of my first serious girlfriend, but to no avail, the relationship only lasted a month, and my love and dedication discontinued from the world and instantly fell out-of-love of my future.

I see now a connection between the emotions prospered by depression. It weakens you by seeing your memory, blinds your path and takes away your love. The things you say are not easily what you wanted to say. I said things to my ex-girlfriend that I would never say now. I lost her not because I wanted to, but because the anger and my reaction to the fact that I couldn't see her much turned too much to my bad side, and I just typed what I had felt, thus causing the break-up. Even when I essentially ended the relationship, I still cried. I still fell to my knees at Catherine and I hugged her and she just ignored it.

But I went on, managed to get Triple Distinction in my BTEC National Diploma, and managed to go to University. I would be with a friend that would help me through because I had known him for two years at college. But when he went, that's when I gave up with University.

It wasn't because I hated the course, it wasn't because I disliked it. It was because I had no one familiar with to talk to, and my friends just "moved on". Moving on may be easy to some people, but when I left Filton College I almost burst into tears because I knew I was going to lose the friends I loved and the people that helped support my opinion. Now they are gone depression has took me, and now I am falling into darkness.

The things I have done. Are they still worth fighting for?

I am mostly and currently playing World of Warcaft which I am playing a lot recently to relax my mind essentially. I do tend to carry crystals around and do meditate with them from time-to-time to try and relax with that as well. Playing games is not something I want to do, but it is better for relaxing my mind more than creating the games I would otherwise be working on if depression didn't make me feel bad.

[Starfield]

Whatever else you say about yourself you are a very skilful writer, cogent, articulate and brutally honest. Virtually everyone on this site will empathise with what you say about depression. iCal it (like Churchill) my black dog which follows me like a shadow ready to bite when least expected. It does sound as though you need to talk to a skilful professional, though finding the right one is a challenge in itself. Find a good GP and take it from there. Maybe you've done this already. In the meantime, stick with your writing if you can bear it. You are obviously a talented, creative and intelligent person - perfect mix for depression! You are not alone.

[Hidden]

I agree absolutely with the previous comment. You are honest and creative, etc. I'm wondering whether you know about Aspergers Syndrome? I used to feel extremely isolated, throughout school and even when I did married and have children (see my blog!) I used to feel not connected in the way that other people were. I used to find that I was ok in situations where I had one good relationship like you were with your friend. Like you, I used to spend a lot of time in a fantasy world passing time with activities that were creative but somewhat obsessional in that they prevented me from forming the kinds of relationsips that I needed in order to feel better. Like you, I have good IQ and achieved highly but then struggled (and still do) to use my abilities and talents within the outer world as no matter what skills and talents I have, for various reasons including my sensitivity and my parents inability to understand me, I failed to learn how to enjoy intimacy from an early age. I've been helped by long periods of psychotherapy and I do now feel fully connected to people much of the time, though sometimes lapse into depression in response to certain triggers. I don't know if any of that resonates with your experience, but if it does you could read about Aspergers Syndrome (people with AS often have extremely high intelligence and skills that other people don't). If you find that helpful then you could contact the Autistic Society and look at how to get a diagnosis which will not immediately solve your difficulty but may enable you to access the kinds of help that will need. Good luck.xx

[brutalexcess in reply to Hidden]

I have been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome as a child, though throughout my life I haven't been visiting my doctor's as frequently. I do feel intelligent in the area of choice, which is computer software and hardware, knowing the ins and outs of how computers really work using simply electrical charges to identify programs, software and initiate processes.

I have recently completed a AS test on one or more websites, with a score of 31. This is a relatively high score compared to many results, identifying that I still have a strong result of AS. However, this condition is not of my concern as making friends has never been my problem.

I have always managed to make good friends, and have been able to obtain their support.

One thing I will finish with is that I do feel a lot better when avoiding the media and those websites that has its goal to essentially promote and advertise links to violence, abuse, harassment and other strong and obscene news articles, which I might add shouldn't even exist as it is this kind of media that causes a majority of depression pre-encounters. By this I mean it is obvious that the media will share depressive articles that could lead to the anger by many, and essentially causing the panic - in this respect, I blame the media for the poor and abused civil structure.

[Hidden]

Hi, yes I have some Aspergers tendencies, but like you can also make good friends. Also I'm highly intelligent which is not unusual. Interestingly, although I have some symptoms of Aspergers, I also have a high level of empathy as a result of being naturally sensitive and having had long periods of therapy to work through chilhood trauma. I used to put my hands over my ears whenever my mum vacuumed, found groups of children painful to be with and still can't tolerate being in a noisy pub or listening to raucous comedy programmes, they make me feel ill stressed. During recent years I've spent a lot of time on the computer as a way of occupying my time. I find that when I go to classes I generally feel out of place in the group as I don't understand the banter quickly enough to join in which leaves me feeling a mis-fit. But in later life I've been able to develop healthy close relationships and worked as a therapist. I come on the computer because I'm bored, lonely and suffer from depression which interfers with my making new friends. I live a distance from any friends but we can't sell the house, my husband has serious health problems and a hearing problem which interferes with him socialising so I come onto the computer as something to do whilst also not feeling alone all the time, I'm less aware of the loneliness and depression. I agree about needlessly promoting violence but think it's important that we understand reality as however uncomfortable it is we can only work to change it if we know what's going on.

[brutalexcess in reply to Hidden]

"I agree about needlessly promoting violence but think it's important that we understand reality as however uncomfortable it is we can only work to change it if we know what's going on."

Only those things that is required for the field we specialize in. Unless I am working for the army, the media is certainly not where I want to look when I want to know more about copyrights and those sorts of laws - which are the laws I am highly interested in and value from the most in addition to Business laws.

I wish to start a business, or rather expand my current business into a video games company, and later a technology investment company and possibly a gaming esports broadcaster for television, in addition to possible subsidiaries: including film production, entertainment promotion, improving the education system, improving computer and copyright security systems, and help aid restore jobs into the world.

I have huge ambitions and it is my depression that has in fact caused me to think of ways to improve what we are as Humans to essentially avoid depression for our young by investing in technologies that help protect them as well as aid happiness in society.

[Getting-By]

Hi

Thanks for sharing your story I can relate to a lot of what you wrote and yes depression is a hard thing to deal with. I have Aspergers Syndrome and do struggle with social situations and have always had a small number of close friends.

A lot of people with AS do have problems with anxiety and depression as I have got older the traits have become less but I do have a lot of anxiety which then makes me depressed. I am glad you have both found this site keep posting we are here to help.