Meh.

[sam130]

I want to write a post but I have no idea where to start.

I just totally hate myself. I feel so depressed sometimes but I truly believe that I am just being melodramatic and self pitying and attention seeking. I hate myself for hating myself. I feel childish and pathetic and weak.

I spend my time off from work alone, on the sofa, imagining all the things I will eventually do but the reality is all I do is sit on the sofa imagining stuff. I truly feel like I am wasting my life. I want to go to the gym but I just sit on the sofa, I want to learn french but I just sit on the sofa I want to do something productive and worthwhile but all I do is sit on the sofa.

Even re-reading this post I have the overwhelming sense of hatred for the words I am writing. I hate the person sat typing these words. I am embarrased of myself. I didnt used to be like this.

The thing is I do know its not my fault and that the depression is sucking all the life and positivity out of myself, I also believe the only person who can help me is myself but its just one of those things I imagine myself doing while siting on the sofa crying for no reason. I just CANNOT find the motiation to do anything other than sit here and each day I feel more dissapointed in myself

I have so much to be grateful for and yet I waste my life feeling this way, just another reason why I hate myself. Am so self-pitying and ungrateful and selfish.

I apologise for this self indulgent rant. I am not expecting replies, particularly as I havent even made any sense or asked any questions I just felt like letting this out. I just wish there was a pill that eradicated this negative spiral that is SO unbearably hard to pull myself out of. Am not strong enough.

Find myself more and more thinking "I want to just die" sometimes I think of how I would do it but I think thats just curiosity, I am too scared of death to act on it.

Sigh..

[Hidden]

Hello Sam

One thing you have not mentioned here, have you been to see your GP, He should be able to help you and your feelings.

One thing I cannot understand is why are you the way you are, we all suffer these feelings although we can sometimes trace it back to a problem in earlier life or the loss of someone, or stress of work or even you may have been bullied or something else that makes you feel this way.

We all can fester throughout life and not progress, so whe stop functioning,

You say you are fortunate, if so how are you managing throughout the day.

So if you need support I am here for a chat, so if I can help you find yourself you will get plenty support here.

My condition is both body and soul, and a mixture of been bullied because of my disability and been brutalized in my past. So we all have some cross too bare in life, the secret to this is coming to terms with it, even though we never really recover

So Sam how can we help and show you are a valued member of society that needs respect and understanding not forgetting a spanner to remove the bolt that has you pinned to your chair

All the best, keep a hold

BOB

[Golfer15]

Hi Sam, I want to say it goes away in time but it doesnt it is just how we deal with this. Have you read the book called 'Black Dog'. You havent said anything about yourself. If this is a fairly recent feeling you should go and talk to your gp first. That will open up many services. You need counselling and a cbt course.

Keep in touch. You can send me a private message. We are here to help each other.

David x

[dnd149 in reply to Golfer15]

Hi david,

I just saw you mentioned about the black dog book, can you elaborate on this book for me please. It might help me and others if we know a bit more about it

Regards

David also

[Golfer15 in reply to dnd149]

Hi David, the book is called 'If I Had a Black Dog' by Mathew Johnstone. A friend bought it for me when I was diagnosed with depression. I found it really helpful. You can get clips of it on You Tube as it is animated. Just type in Black Dog by Mathew Johnstone. It might look like a childrens book as it has pictures but it is an adult issue. Just read the book!

[dnd149 in reply to Golfer15]

Hi David,

This is much appreciated. I will have a look in the shops tomorrow.

Thank you

David

[Holly101 in reply to Golfer15]

Hi David,

How are you? feels like I've not spoke to you for a while, hope you're well!

Love, Holly xxx

[Golfer15 in reply to Holly101]

Hi Holly, Im fine today thanks as Ive been helping my nephew and his wife move house. I prefer to be busy then I dont think about other issues. We spoke the other day when I posted about my job situation.

Life is full of ups and downs. But we always cope, even if we feel like giving up.

Love David x

[Holly101 in reply to Golfer15]

Very true David , they say God never puts more on yer plate than you can handle..

It's hard work sometimes but we've got to get on with it.. although there have been a few times I have gave up, but obviously failed coz I'm still here...

Thankfully, for my family's sake if nothing else.. And who knows, one day I might just be extaticly happy ;), and be really grateful I'm still here, you never know!

Hope you're well David,take care,

Love holly Xxx

[Suzie40]

I don't think your post was in the slightest bit self indulgent. In fact I thought it was honest, very real and I enjoyed reading it. What you are describing are common symptoms of depression, for which there is lots of help available.

Many of us here can relate to those feelings of apathy and not being able to get off the sofa. And then the anger you feel towards yourself at seeing the end of another wasted day. The hard thing to try and convince someone in that mindset, is that there really IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

You've got all the time in the world to learn French - I'll teach you some if you want! In the meantime concentrate on getting through tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. Have you been to your GP yet? That's often the hardest yet most rewarding step a person with depression makes.

And please feel free to post as much as you feel able or want. Don't worry if you don't think it makes sense, or whether it's written for the right audience. Sometimes what might seem like a mish-mash of words to one person, might make perfect sense to someone else!

Lucy xx

[jules2105]

Hi Sam

Just wanted to let you know that I've read your post and understand how you feel. When we are depressed we sometimes can't find the motivation to do anything and feel that we are wasting our lives away. If you haven't done already would suggest you goto see your gp as there is plenty of support available for people with depression eg meds or counselling. Please also feel free to post on here as often as you need to, we all suffer with depression so know how you feel

Jules x

[Alireza]

Hi

I am also the same as you. Are you interested to have meeting out and share some time?

Thanks

Ali

[Photogeek in reply to Alireza]

..??

[dnd149 in reply to Photogeek]

I agree photogeek x

[dnd149]

Sam,

First off all, no need to apologise, this blog is here for you to rant, and reach out. You are doing the right thing. Like yourself there are many of us feeling like this, myself included. Look what you did already, you reach out. Might not feel like a lot but you have. It's what i call a baby step.

Your not attention seeking, or pitying yourself. Your explaining how you are feeling. Can I ask why are you feeling like this? Has something changed? You said you never used to be like this, this is my reason for asking.

If i tell you ive joined the gym, but not used it for weeks now and still paying for it. Im like you. Id rather sit on my bed on the laptop and crying. But today I decided to tune into this page and im feeling a wee bit better as i got lots of positive responses from a blog i did when i was feeling there was no way out last week.

When you start to feel low, get up go and look out the window for a few minutes. small steps but you are doing something other than sitting on that sofa. Make yourself a cuppa , again you are off the sofa. These are just small steps.

My fear is the door out of the flat into the bad world, once i have showered dressed and made myself look okish im ready to walk out that door. And i get a relief feeling. I dont feel trapped. Am not saying this will work for you...

When you are on the sofa, tune in here speak to people, might not be face to face but means you can be who you want to be and speak out. Do you have pen and paper? Doodle, write random stuff and draw. If you feeling depressed write it down put a bubble around it and start writing around it, mood low, sofa again, frustrated etc... I cant do it as i don't know what you feel.

You need to keep the mind busy, i know many others have probably said this. I'm suicidal as well, but i think of my two wee nephews who are so attached to me i couldnt leave this world but there are days when i feel i could. When your sitting alone on the sofa your mind will make you think all sorts. It's the depression not you, you are somewhere inside there reaching out.

Let it out

David

[MidnightRuby]

Hi There

No need to apologise, and none of it is your fault like you said.

You need to know that believing that nobody can help you is not going to help. I was exactly the same for a few years because I got so low, although I still found the energy to study somehow. I guess knowing I would see my friends helped.

You need to find something to get you moving every day, something worth getting up for.

Speak to a GP or a counsellor. You have every right to refuse antidepressants like I did just recently.

I finally found someone who I could talk to at university who persuaded me to go back to my GP once more.

Its great that you can have a rant in writing. I am now just waiting for a phone call for some counselling which I am trying again with someone different about 300 miles from my hometown.

Sometimes writing your problems on paper can make them seem smaller. Writing your negative thoughts and tearing them up after might help, as if you are seeing them get physically destroyed.

I write songs and then put my anger or feelings into them when I sing. Often write in 3rd person so people don't know who the song is really about. I guess it helps to an extent.

Find something or someone you love to see every day. It could be as simple as a specific tree, or a shop window that you enjoy peering into. This could work if you have to walk to work. If you drive then obviously you have to watch where you are going. What about a song you enjoy listening to while driving.

Find something you really want to do or see everyday which involves you getting up. I know its hard, but there's always something.

You are not selfish at all and it is not your fault that you struggle to get motivated.

Talk to a GP, or a trusted friend even. Getting your feelings out in the open may help you. You will most likely find that someone you talk to has experienced similar things and can relate to you.

I really hope you find something to inspire and motivate you.

Good Luck!

Ruby x

[Holly101]

First of all, I'm glad you're too scared of death to act on it, and second, you're not being self-indulgent or

self-pitying, you're just describing the way you feel...

And that's probably the best thing you could have done!

I think most of us on here understand how you feel, so you're not alone! I certainly do..

It's as if your life's on hold, and all you do is procrastinate, 'when I get better I will...' I do it myself!!

And before you know it another year has gone by and nothings changed..

But please stop beating yourself up and hating yourself so much, I'm sure you have lots of qualities and traits

that make you a special person, worthwhile, and loved by family and friends..

I know it's always hardest to see the good in yourself, have you ever thought of doing some kind of course

or support group for people that suffer from the same things you do?

They're great for building your confidence, discovering your strengths and good points, just coz you

can't see them yourself doesn't mean you don't have them!!

And they're always easy for others to see and point them out to you, and I bet you'll think to yourself, yeah

they're right, I am a good listener, a good friend, good at painting, gardening or whatever you're good at!

In the meantime try not to be so hard on yourself, have a wee think and try and think of a few positive

things about yourself, I know it's hard, but you don't have to tell anyone ;), just write them down.

Keep writing on here, we're always here for you, and understand how you feel and what you're going through.

Try and be kind to yourself, you're worth it! (stole that from L'Oreal

Sending you a big hug,

Holly xxx

[Gambit62]

As others say - understand the feelings ... and if you haven't been to see your GP then it would be good to go and see them - try to get a double appointment as it gives a little more time to talk things through. There are on-line questionaires if you search for am I depressed that you could do and take with you. Write things down so you don't forget and may be take a friend or someone who can help you ... though it sounds as if you probably don't have anyone who would fit that category - sorry if that is the case.

One of the cruelest things about depression is that for some reason it switches the link between motivation and action so that rather than acting because you feel motivated you actually have to do something before you feel motivated. I know that's a lot easier said than done but I find that routine helps - I go for a run morning and evening because it is my routine - whether I want to or not (unless I have flu or the weather is really, really awful :)). I try to do a bit of creative writing each day - whether I feel motivated by it or not ... sometimes just doing the washing up and getting rid of it gives me enough of a sense of achievement.

Hope you can manage to establish some routines.

[sam130]

Oh My God everyone I am SOOOOO sorry for not replying before, I was waiting for my email to say someone had replied (as I dont go on here every day) and I convinced myself that no one would as it was such a stupid post. I just looked in my junk email and saw I had had all these replies.

I really am so sorry for seeming ungrateful and non-responsive, I am overwhelmed by all your lovely and supportive replies and have a few heavy hot tears right now.