How being a people pleaser may be contributing towards my depression.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi, just had a bit of an "insight moment". I think I am a chronic "people pleaser" ; chronically "compliant " to other people's needs because I feel there is something wrong with me.

I should now put that in the past tense, as newsflash! I don't have to keep doing this. Worrying constantly about how others respond to me and what this "means" about me (in that every response can seem like a "judgement" of me) is absolutely exhausting. For one thing every action I make then prompts an "anxiety" about their response as if my whole self worth depended on constantly getting it right for them ( and the whole world). If they are displeased with me then I am bad.

I am also apt to make overly positive judgements of other people's poor motives as I find it hard to believe that someone cannot have my best interests at heart or would behave badly towards me. I would rather "beat myself up", feel badly about myself than ascribe some "bad" motive to them ; which when you think about it is topsy-turvy; uncaring of myself, negating of myself . It has to stop.

Anyway just thought I'd post up this link as well as it may apply to some other people on here

wikihow.com/Stop-Being-a-Pe...

Gemmalouise x

[mimii]

Thanks for this, just had a look will tell my daughter about it as she's had problems with low self esteem and self assertiveness think this could be helpful

Mimii xx

[Suzie40]

I get this a lot. My workload is double what people on the same pay-scale as me do, because I can't say no. My boss asks me to do something, I agree to it because I don't want her thinking I'm not capable. I agree with things that I don't actually agree with in work, because I don't like to fall out with people.

I don't think making positive judgements of people's poor motives is necessarily a bad thing though. I think that shows strength of character and the ability to see the good in people.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Suzie40]

Hi Lucy, thanks. Yes I can see what you mean about the positive judgments of people's poor motives. Even people who behave badly have often at core a problem or some distressed or dysfunctional part of their personality that is making them do this. The issue for me is realising that it is that way round and that is the real reason; not that they are doing it because I am unworthy and then beating myself up because I feel "bad" or even in extremis that "I don't deserve to live", if you see what I mean? x

[Stilltrying_]

Thanks Bev, I'm old too, but better late than never! Need to keep reminding myself though and very easy to slip back when I still have to deal with the people who moulded this personality in the first place. However, baby steps are the key and slow changes in behaviour. Thanks all for your comments. x

[Gambit62]

Thanks for post - good realisation and hope that you manage to hold on to your enlightenment moment.

In dealing with others - important not to beat yourself up if you do backslide because the past is a closed door - all we can do is walk on into that brave new future. so stop, remind yourself of your realisation, and let the past be the past.

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Gambit62]

Thank you Gambit62, that is lovely of you.

[Maisie1]

I have been told by my therapist that my problem is that I cannot say no. I work, babysit, cook, clean, shop and get little thanks. I also get very paranoid about what people are thinking about me. I just get taken for granted