All time low

I've had enough

I'm not sure if I can keep up this existence anymore.

Why do I feel like this?

I'm thinking OD or knives. . . It's bad.

I hope I won't.

Tablets seem easiest option.

Cowards way out. . . .

Made it through another day today. . . Don't know how. . . Just floated through it and put up 'a front' for people.

Feeling that it is just far to hard

12 Replies

  • Sorry that it has been a tough day but try to focus on the fact that you did make it through it and don't be hard on yourself for putting up a front - I know that it feels really uncomfortable and as if you are deceiving people but those are just feelings.

    Hope that you don't do anything either.

    I know you don't feel like doing anything right now - particularly something that you might enjoy but is there something that you could do that you would normally enjoy - some program on the tv? or just having a nice cup of tea and a cookie?

    What's your favourite biscuit ... think mine is probably a jammy dodger - enjoy the challenge of trying to eat all of the biscuit without actually eating any of the jam ... favourite cookie is raspberry and white chocolate.

  • Thank you for your reply.

    You always make sense.

    Tried to play game on iPad and watch tv but tbh I'm not interested in anything.

    I feel bad for not being good enough for everyone -not that any things been said but been a tough week and the house has kinda gone to pot. No washing done no cooking done (hubby done it) I don't feel like eating or drinking.

    I just want to curl up and hide somewhere.

    Hubby came home from work yesterday and took the girls to club and made me go out tesco and next for some Xmas shopping. I went but I didn't want to. I just did it to please him. I know he is only trying to help.

  • We all have times when we can't face doing things - that's why we live with groups - there will have been times when you will have done things for the rest of your family because they weren't in a position to do them - may be because your husband was ill ... and at the moment you are ill ... and that's okay.

    May be you just need a good sleep - but do try and eat something first.

  • Hi Cookie

    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so bad... I can honestly relate to how you are feeling as I am struggling with the same kind of feelings a lot lately. Like Gambit has said, try and just get a warm drink (I love Horlicks when I am on an all time low, (how pathetic does that sound!)), but is like my "comfort drink". My hubby has also been the one who has been doing most things, like around the house, and looking after our little'un. He took me out this afternoon, just to get me out for a bit, and I found it really tough going, and like yourself, felt like I was doing it for him more than myself. It is hard I know, but again see if you can find a book for something that might help, get a biccie and a hot warm drink, and maybe just go to bed with a little glow of a light on and relax a bit, or even have a bath?.

    I am sorry you're suffering, I really hope you feel better soon... please don't think of harming yourself, I know sometimes it seems the only way, but think of your family and how they will suffer if you harm yourself... you know you wouldn't wish that upon them, I'm sure.

    Take care hun, and I really hope you start to feel a little better soon.

    T xx

  • Be brave Cookie84. I've started telling myself that no matter how I try to commit suicide, or self-harm, or overdose - these are all the cowards way out. You've got this struggle and some days will be much much harder than others, but the bravest way you can deal with this is face it head on, not chicken out. Please don't take this the wrong way - this way of thinking helps me and I'm saying this because I'm hoping it'll help you. All the best xx

  • Cookie I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you just now. I'm glad you've had the courage to post and tell us about it though. It's so very hard when you hit that all time low. I hope you are able to see a way out of this current situation. I personally don't think that suicide is the coward option. Depression is a cruel and debilitating illness and people try relentlessly to try and help themselves feel better. Sometimes the fight is just too hard and that had to be understood. That said, however, you are a good person and you deserve to be on this earth. People love you and they care about you. When I'm down, I understand that feeling of how exhausting getting through each day can be. I try not to focus on the bigger picture, but rather on ways to survive each hour, and then each day. How are you feeling now Cookie? X

  • Cookie am so sorry you are feeling so bad right now. You ARE good enough you are just ill at the moment. Don't force yourself to do things which are too hard for you right now.. It sounds like you have a lovely family and hubby. Let them take the strain at the moment and be kind to yourself. Depression is an illness - you are not at fault. You are a lovely person and you deserve to be happy. Hugs

    Bev x

  • Thank you everyone.

    Just woke up. Children are occupying themselves playing games in bed room.

    I mite take them out for the day (with hubbys support) something small but time together. . . Maybe a walk in the woods ( less people to bump into) or something. . .

    Feeling bit better than last night. Thankyou for being there it really means alot. Xx

  • Hi cookie I've just read your post and wondering how your getting on? I totally get where your coming from. I'm going through an all time low myself at the minute, I cant go out through the door I dont want to do anything the house has gone downhill and all I do is cry. Last sunday my grandkids wanted to go a walk to the forest and I didnt want to let them down. It tooksome guts to get into the car but I did it and once I got to the forest the sun was beating down on me it was so peaceful and I just enjoyed it so much. I havent been back out since but going to try it again today. Like you said theres nobody about the forest so that helps. Its not for everybody but I actually got myself a puppy. Hes a toy yorkshire terrier hes no trouble whatsoever and even on a bad day he wont leave my side. He helps me enormously and I read somewhere this statement "a dog is the best anti-depressant you'll get". I have to get up let him out I walk him when am able. I have a huge garden so he can get loads of exercise if I cant walk him and I just love him to bits.i couldnt stop crying yesterday and there he was sat by my side then trying to get me to play with him whereas my partner just walked out the door. Who or what do I love the most? You can guess eh? Hope your feeling better today. Kitty xx

  • Hi kitty as yet wr havent left the house (not that i am bothered as feel safe here) yes i must say when my girls have gone to school its the animals that get me thro the day. . . We have 2 cats and a collie dog. . . Our newest addition is a guinea pig. I havent walked the dog in a while as cant face being out to be looked at/judged. Altho i do push myself to meet my dad for a coffee on a thurs but that benefits him as he is gettin on a bit now and doesnt see many people so i feel i need to be there for him.

    Hope u have a better day today kitty, i am sure goin to try! Xxx

  • Time to go back to see your gp, it would suggest your meds need raising or changing. Just have faith one day you will get well, I did.

    kind wishes to you, people do care.

  • Hello, BOB here

    Several years ago I tried to take my life, I failed because I got the doses wrong, lucky in a way, I was taken to A and E by the Paramedics,plonked on a trolley, tests were taken and I was left to sleep it off, Next morning a sleepy A and E doctor chatted for a about twenty mins and said to me would I do it again I said no, so before breakfast was served I was discharged and told I would need to wait four hours for a lift home, It was Christmas and there was a good thickness of snow so I walked to the bus stop and lucky I had my bus pass with me I had to change buses to get home.

    All I had done was upset the wife and family members they could not understand why I had done this and the anger at me doing such a selfish thing plagued upon there minds. They were annoyed, angry and hurt that I had not mentioned the problems that were in my mind.

    The main beef they had was I was selfish and they felt that they would have suffered for the rest of their lives because of the guilt they felt as they would feel I was unable to talk to them.

    Suicide is a selfish act, we end up with the emergency mental health team within twelve hours or so, then put on medications to keep us compliant while they try and sort out the reasons why I had done such a sin in my families eyes.

    Now although it has been several years ago I no longer see my CPN, My wife has to watch me like a hawk in case I do it again. My tablets and medications are hidden away, and any other medications that I may need for a headache etc have also been hidden. Now my wife gives me no more than one days medication at a time, she watches me taking them. So what has my failed journey to the other side done is give my wife further responsabilities looking after me, She has to order my prescriptions, that she collects. I am no longer trusted

    So what has all this achieved, nothing. All it has done is anger and flustrate my family, give my wife another job that basically I should be adult to manage myself. Now I am in my 60s, tonight I have just taken some morning meds instead of evening meds. I will most probably never be trusted again to behave myself with medications and have upset the person who still loves me, while believing it was all her fault

    Something to think about,

    It is not you who will suffer it is always those who we leave behind


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