1st time abroad in couple months trigger warning and deep content

[jembella-]

I never thought I'd ever get a passport but i decided to apply for one and thankfully mum had all the right paperwork from her divorce and deed poll change, so it ended up being far more easier than i thought. I turn 30 in July and a bit earlier than that the plan is for 3 nights in France. I'm nervous but excited.

I will be going with my boyfriend of 5 years. I definitely wouldn't be going alone.

Having childhood ptsd, depression and on a waiting list for other undiagnosed things, I'm not sure how much a plane trip will affect me.

I've seen things which the normal person wouldn't have been through so in the grand scheme of statistics, it seems unlikely that a plane that I'm on will have a issue, but I think my mind is programmed to think of the worst to survive. There's nothing i can really do if it did happen though, just a case of overthinking i guess.

I think I'm more concerned if i don't get to sir next to my partner on the plane, being my first trip and being unaware of the expectations.

I've already seen my stepdad pass from cancer unexpectedly and been through horrendous situations from other ordeals. So mostly this trip is like a walk in the park.

But to witness Disneyland as an adult, and to live, is far better than having never tried. I'm just nervous i think.

[Truename12]

Oh, congratulations! Yes, I think we’re always going to be defensive. But how can you help yourself if you do get triggered? Number one you’ll have your boyfriend. Is there anything else that would help? Like being really well rested before you go, or working on your mindfulness practices, so you can just slow down your breathing and smile in compassion to yourself? Just think how happy you will be when you are there, and maybe drawing or taking pictures so you can remember it all and talk about it when you get back. You sound like you really deserve this vacation. I’m sure your boyfriend is an angel, and I’m sure you want him to have a good time too. Lots of ways you can help yourself to stay in touch with the important reasons why you’re going on a trip. I’m sure the whole community here is so happy for you!. Best wishes!

[jembella- in reply to Truename12]

I really appreciate your kindness in this response. I think the only way I would figure out how to feel better is for private therapy/private speed of facing waiting lists so I can conquer further demons - but i cannot afford either. so instead, like you say it is a case of mindfulness, writing down my thoughts when i am overwhelmed...which is far too frequent than i would like to admit, and overall have my life sorted in other ways. But if I am honest I do not not know how to reach certain goals and the bar is too high. so I am a bit stumbled in some regards.

[Truename12 in reply to jembella-]

I guess the best thing about OCD is it knowing that it’s happens to conscientious people! So at least there’s never any doubt about you being a good person. I personally do a lot of praying. I also go on the Plum Village app for free mindfulness meditation and other Buddhist practices, which seems super helpful for me. Very caring. I also feel like there’s no human being, since we’re all connected, that doesn’t have mental health and emotional issues. Some of us are just quite sensitive and willing to express it. You are young and wise and you will figure it out, little by little.🙂🙏

[jembella- in reply to Truename12]

I believe i am only wise due to having dealt with very tough cards that just happen for some reason. Never really understood religion but i wasn't brought up to understand it. I hope so. Thank you.

[Truename12]

The main thing that the Buddha taught is that suffering is really what causes us to become wise. Or, it can do so. But for me, maybe same for you, it’s a bit of a recipe for a bittersweet life.