Life's so bloody hard sometimes..

[Holly101]

Life can be pretty unbearable when there's no pleasure, you can't seem to dig yourself out of that deep dark hole your in and it seems as if things are never gonna get better,

You know what you need to do to make yourself feel better, but somehow you just refuse, and then start blaming myself, which I suppose is right, as there's no-one else to blame but you.

It's not someone else that's making you unhappy, its you and the choices you make.

Which all sounds very good and well, but it still doesn't make me take any action to try and make myself feel better.

I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna feel alone, sad, trapped, in mental pain and anguish, yet I choose to do nothing about it.. What's that all about?!

Please let tomorrow be a better day and give me strength to help myself,

coz nobody's gonna do it for me..

[sheffield1978]

Hey holly u OK I have put my number up on my post for Emma u are welcome to use it too even if u only text me later so I know or OK xxxxx

[Holly101 in reply to sheffield1978]

Thanks honey, I'll look it up and give you a wee text later.. Hope you're ok today, don't give up

and try and keep your chin up..

Lots of love, Holly Xx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Holly101]

Hey how u feeling x 07824157465 x

[Holly101 in reply to sheffield1978]

Sorry Sarah, I was sleeping.. I've stored your number. Hope you're ok today..

Lotsa love, Holly Xx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Holly101]

Really bad note that hasn't got any better today still not being prescribed no meds so went a bit nuts earlier but at least the quiet room was quiet x

[Holly101 in reply to sheffield1978]

Aw hen,hope it gets better for ye soon... That's what quitrooms are for, quietness They had one in a place I was in, I spent a lot of time in there!

All the best huni, thinking of you,

Love, Holly Xxx

[sheffield1978 in reply to Holly101]

Phew so glad your OK was really worried about you x

[Holly101 in reply to sheffield1978]

Oh sorry Sarah, don't worry I'll not do anything stupid..

I couldn't do that to my family, that's the only thing that's stopping me, but that's ok, it's better than nothing stopping me.. If I can't do it for myself I can keep fighting for those who love me and would be left devastated if I acted on my thoughts and urges and you should do the same..

If we don't care enough about ourselves to stay alive we can do it for those who love us (and I'm sure there's PLENTY who love you!) to save them the pain we would cause them..

So I'll live in pain for a while instead of them, coz I'm sure one day for us things'll get better, where-as they'd have to live with that pain for the rest of their lives, and it'll NEVER get better...

Keep your spirit up huni, you're so worth it, keep fighting!!

All my luv, Holly Xx

[Suzie40]

You ARE doing something about it. You're resisting those very strong urges to not be here. And that takes a whole lot of guts, courage and determination xx

[Holly101 in reply to Suzie40]

Thanks Lucy, you're such a warm and encouraging person.. I've just been having a few bad day's and they just seem to be getting worse. I can't do it anymore No that's nonsense, I can.

I've decided to go and see my GP tomorrow coz I've got to do something. Even if its just to tell them how I'm feeling coz I've been having a lot of thoughts about suicide over the past few days, but like you said, I've got to fight it, as I know life can and will be better again..

Thanks again Lucy, you're a wee gem

Love Holly x

[ThemysciraDrive]

{{{{Holly}}}}

Don't beat yourself up so much lassie! You're just having a bad day today, get through it however you can and tomorrow will be another start. I try to think that tomorrow is always another chance for a good day

And you have done something, you've come on here. Sometimes, when the thoughts are at their darkest, that's all you can do. You find yourself in that deep, dark hole, get yourself on here, stick up your hand and we'll be here to pull you out

[Holly101 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

I know yous are, thank you

I've just been feeling awful for days and instead of the next day being better it's getting worse.

I'm having pretty strong suicidal urges and my self-harming's getting out of control. and now I feel like i'm moaning.. I'm just having a rough time,it happens doesn't it.

I will go to my GP tomorrow coz I've gotta do something as I'm worried I might give in to thoughts, voices in my head, I don't know how much more I can take.

And even if it doesn't do any good going to see my GP, it won't do any harm either.

Thanks (now I've forgot your name as well, I'm really sorry!), ThemysciraDrive it'll have to be ;),

for your kind words and support and being there for me

I'm ok, thing's will get better again somehow

Love Holly xx

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Holly101]

Aw Holly, I was wondering how you were as I hadn't seen a post from you for a couple days...you're not moaning at all, and you're not on your own. This morning, waiting for my train to work, I had a sudden urge to just be done with the lot of it, that I'd had enough. I could have quite calmly walked to the edge of the platform, chucked myself on to the rails, and fried myself. Just try and remember when those thoughts come up - that's all they are, thoughts. Powerful as they can be sometimes.

Glad you're going to the GP though - will be thinking of you, let us know how you get on.

[sheffield1978]

Holly it sounds like me never mind waiting for the morning get help now please text me so I know us OK I have put my number further up XXX hugs babe I know a little of how or feeling x

[sheffield1978]

Hope ur OK I'm a little worried x and I can't sleep

[Jeffju]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low but going to your GP sounds like a good idea and I hope that you can get some help. Just make sure that you recognise what you do achieve..... being on here. being here and getting through everyday however BIG the struggle.... that is amazing. I was talking to myself, ( haha), the other day saying, " It's all in your mind you can do something about it!!'. Oh that it was that simple. But we have to keep on trying and get through each day as it comes along.Just one day ata time Please let us know how your GP visit went. All the very best. xx

[Holly101 in reply to Jeffju]

Thanks everybody for your support. I'm ok. I'll make it through the day.

I've made it through that many I'm sure I'll make it through another one..

I hope you are all ok today, wishing yous all a good day, or as good as can be..

Love, Holly Xx

[Hidden]

Hi Holly, how are you? I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I've been out for a good long drive (lucky me having a car) and was close to tears talking with someone about my past but it's left me feeling better - strange how sharing things helps isn't it! Take care, Suexx

[Holly101 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sue,glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, and you're right, talking really does help, or sharing a problem or something you've kept in for a long time!

I feel slightly better too, as I was honest about something with someone today.. I'm still no closer to a solution, but it was just better to get it out so I didn't have to keep up the pretence anymore.

It's to do with my addiction, again...

Still feel in a pretty dark place and have no idea how to get out it, but I just try and be grateful for the things I do have, and work on a solution and/or ways to make myself feel better..

No matter how much I just wanna stop fighting, and running, I can't. I've got to keep going no matter how hard it is. We all do..

Keep sharing your stuff,and thanks for thinking of me

Love, Holly xxx

[Hidden in reply to Holly101]

Hi, I know it sounds strange, but don't try to get out, just let yourself stay there and talk about what it's like and in time you will find things shift a little. Trying to fight things often makes them worse although it's tempting to do that. Have some sunshine from me to brighten up the dark place, and a hug too. Today I was close to tears for an hour talking with someone I'd never met before about how life has been at different times for me but they were caring, supportive and can help with organising things so I can move towards practicing again as a therapist so it was worth it and I feel much better for it. It's always better to share things than feel alone with them. Take care, I often think of you, and Sheffield (Sarah) and Lucy too as well as some of the others. Suexx

[Holly101 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Sue, I never even thought of it that way.. And funnily enough somebody's said that to me once before, about my addiction, he said 'you're trying too hard'.

It didn't make sense then, but now that you're saying it again I think I know what you mean.. Let things take it's course because you're not feeling like that for no reason..

But it's only natural to wanna fight it because you want to stop hurting, stop feeling that pain.

I'll give it a go though..

Talking, they say (apart from laughter) is the best medicine, I'm glad it helped you today too. And you should be so proud of yourself of moving towards practicing as a therapist again, that takes a lot of courage and I bet you would never have thought you would again when you were in the depths of despair!

And don't think we don't think about you just as much as you think about us (well I do anyway ), as you're a very wise, compassionate and caring person, but we must not forget you've got your dark times too!

So just as much as you're here for everybody else, I'm here for you, should you ever need me.

Lots of love and a big hug, Holly xx

[Hidden in reply to Holly101]

Thanks for the hug, that's lovely of you. Sleep tight. Suexx

[Holly101 in reply to Hidden]

Anytime Xx

[Golfer15]

Hi everybody,

This is so good to see so much support and encouragement for each other. My depression is like a burden I live with. I have to keep it under control. I have coping strategies but life still gets tough. It is good to know there are people on here to talk to for empathy. It seems like it is only those of us with depression who know how each other feels.

Thank you

[Holly101 in reply to Golfer15]

It is nice to see isn't it, and it feels good to know people understand.

Of course life still gets tough, you can have all the coping strategies in the world, but depression's still a b*****d to live with!!

It's a life-threatening illness at its worse, and a miserable existence at its best... Not constantly thankgod,there's good days too..

Have a good night Golfer,speak soon,

love Holly Xx