sometimes it's hard to reach out to people

When I am at my lowest as I have been for some weeks now I can't even find the motivation to write on the website as there seems no point. People are supportive but it doesn't help. I no longer know what I am depressed about, it feels as though there are so many things that leave me feeling traumatised and I no longer have any resilience. I am trained to help other people with their problems but feel I have no capacity now to even do that let alone deal with my own depression. I feel overwhelmed. I'm taking a very low dose of anti-depressants but will never go onto a higher dose as I've done that before and once the body adjusts to the dosage it is no longer effective and has to be increased, a never-ending spiral. I'm still in long term therapy and the support of that helped in the past but no longer changes the way I feel. I wake every day in pain with fibromyalgia and arthritis, gain more and more weight and feel less and less able to do things, feel I'm just waiting for my life to pass, as is my husband in reality who has end stage renal failure. I just wonder what it's all about. I have things to look forward to - my children and their partners coming back to the UK on a visit after Christmas which will be lovely - but I can't seem to shift my negative thinking about myself. I won't try CBT - I have taught it and know how to change my thoughts but find it doesn't help. I was traumatised for lengthy periods in the past and that has taken its toll on my body physically and emotionally, now it takes so little for me to drop back into the deep depression and I find I just can't lift myself out of it. We have tickets for a wonderful concert tonight but I just want to curl up and sleep forever. I won't harm myself, but I seem unable to find the energy or motivation to do anything more positive.

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hi Sue,

Sorry you're feeling so low - though I understand completely how you feel. Especially about posting on here, I find that hard when I get very low.

I think the most important thing you've said in that post is "I won't harm myself" - that says to me that you still have a stability in the core of you - that a part of you deep down, even if you can't see it, still believes that you can and will feel better at some point. That at least is something to build on if you can find the way to do that which works.

I haven't had any formal CBT before, but I have my things that help. I think CBT is useful day to day if you find how it works for you - I understand where you're coming from in the sense that I think it treats the symptoms rather than the cause. But it does pull me up a bit each day while I go about working out how to deal with the cause. I find it helps me to do something early in the morning that gives me a temporary lift - that seems to create a domino effect through the day in terms of feeling better and more motivated. That's just me though.

I hope some of that was helpful - but don't feel bad if it wasn't

[Hidden in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Hi, thanks for your care, that always helps.x

[Hidden]

Hi Sue I do emphasise with you so much on how you are feeling. I had lots of trauma in my childhood and it's so easy sometimes just to revert to being that person again and to live the pain of it all over again. It's a never ending nightmare isn't it? It too has damaged me in lots of ways but mainly my capacity to deal with stress and too many things happening in my life - even good ones. It sends me loopy and I just want to do like you just curl up into a corner until I can find myself again. I don't have any answers for you Sue but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Hugs

Bev xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

thanks, that is nice to know. x

[Photogeek]

Hi Sue I can feel from your post you are Depressed and overwhelmed. It's very

Hard to post on the Forum when one feels like this. You have always been so kind

and helpful to other people here , you don't just give any old answer. Sue it must

Be very hard to live with the fact that your partner is so ill, that would be difficult

At the best of times

Is your pain managed or do you think you could improve on that as pain would make

Anyone feel more Depressed. If I feel overwhelmed I try not to think of all the things

That need to be done and I just try and concentrate on what I can do to help me today.

Also you help others so much Who helps you Sue ? Who is there to give you time

and love and understanding? We all need that but probably don't get it. I know I

Am a caring type and warm and want to put others first , sometimes I would love

If someone hugged me and made me that cuppa.

I believe that each of us has had our past traumas from childhood or adulthood, in Spite

Of that we can help ourselves by making sure we are on optimum Meds for us. Eating

Well and taking care of our physical health too.

Sue I hope that posting how YOU feel helps you even a bit. You are down now

But things change all the time and nothing in life stays the same. When we are in

That black hole of Depression we forget that we will feel better.

Sue I send you a big big virtual hug and if I lived near you I would try and be

There to help you. Mail me any time please

Kind thoughts

Hannah

[Hidden in reply to Photogeek]

Hi Hannah,

Thanks for your caring and thoughtful reply. Yes it is hard to know he is ill, not the knowledge that he may die but actually the day to day isolation as he is very deaf and doesn't have the energy to interact much or go out or do things together, he just passes most of his time with headphones on watching tv upstairs. It IS a very sad situation.

No, I haven't done anything about the physical pain, I am reluctant to take any meds unless I have to as I know from experience with my father and also from my own experience that they all have side effects which lead to other problems, often worse than the initial one. If I take anti-inflammatories for the fibromyalgia then my IBS is worse, etc. I have thought about asking to be referred to a pain clinic but services like that are poor in our area.

Thanks for your feedback about my replies to other people, that's kind of you. I've always valued your input too. You are right in what you said about asking who is caring for me - I have always felt isolated and so need social interaction with people who value me and are caring towards me, even a small amount of that makes enough difference. My husband does do some of the looking after me physically, ie cooks lots of the meals for us both, it's the lack of emotional connection with anyone on a day to day basis that I struggle with because that's something I have had lacking throughout my life apart from within therapy which can't be there all the time and is anyway two one sided to fill the need. Luckily I can still afford therapy for a while longer and so do have someone with whom I can talk about who I feel and cry - loads!

I'm useless at taking care of myself physically, I can do it for a day or two but can't maintain the effort for long and once things deteriorate again I feel even worse. My weight keeps on going up but I seem to need to eat for comfort at times and that is enough to stop me from losing. I don't lack interest in clothes, being clean, hair, etc, but just find some things so hard as the weight goes on, even putting on socks can sometimes feel such an effort especially with the joint problems.

I do find that once I am out in the world for example going to a concert of seeing a friend I feel a lot better, but inbetween find I can't pull myself out of that black hole. I have two really good friends in Manchester which is about 30 miles away and I see one or other of them every week or so but often go all day the other days without speaking to a soul and that just isn't my nature. If I go out locally I find it so depressing that I usually feel worse.

I've done enough moaning. Sometimes just getting things out of my system helps a bit - I'm sure you know that feeling.

Thanks again for replying, and I hope you are feeling ok.

Suexx

[Suzie40]

Hi Sue

I'm really sorry that you're going through such a bad patch just now, but I sense you're not looking for sympathy.

I'm not sure I agree about the anti depressants. I hear what you're saying about needing doses at a higher and higher level until you become almost immune to them, but in my experience this hasn't been the case. 20mg Citalopram seems to be my standard dose, but I have moved up to 30 and even 40mg at times of distress. Whilst at the higher dose, I have been able to recognise that things are improving and re-adjust accordingly.

You are one of the nicest and most supportive people on this forum. I know it's silly but whenever I post, reaching it for support, I always secretly hope that you'll reply!

I agree with Hannah, it's important that you are looked after too. And if that can't be done in the flesh, it can certainly be achieved through the love and kindness of the people here x

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

Hi Lucy

Yes I used to find that with antidepressants until I reached the point in therapy where there was no further to go as I now know why I have been depressed and still am, since that time I find meds no longer have much positive effect - I've tried various different ones but apart from awful side effects I feel just as bad, which is why I'm staying on the very low dose which I began taking just to enable me to contain the acuteness of the grief I was feeling in response to the loss of an attachment figure. Now I feel ok about that most of the time - or perhaps don't feel about it at all but that's a positive thing.

Thanks for your positive feedback about my replies on the forum, that's kind of you. It always surprises me that people value what I offer as that doesn't easily fit with my self esteem. It's really sweet of you to say you hope I will reply - I do when I feel sufficiently motivated to come on the site.

Take care,

Suexx

[Gambit62]

Black and Grey

Winter greyness

As I pass the time

Between being born

And dying

But I feel so tired

Of passing the time

And I long for the nothingness

That follows the epilogue

A white dot lost

In a sea of black

[Hidden in reply to Gambit62]

I can really relate to the idea of passing time... x

[Hidden]

Hang in there, try using coconut oil, it takes away depression and is great for arthritis also. i use it and it took away my depression. I also recommend magnascent iodine, this mineral alone will heal your body.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi, thanks, but how do I use or take coconut oil?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Two tablespoons a day, you can use more if you want..put it in oatmeal or bread.