sick of being scared and tired

[Holly101]

I feel anxious and scared from the moment I wake up to the moment I ,well ,not go to sleep, but when its night-time, the door's locked ,my pyjama's are on, and there's nothing to worry about till the next morning.

When it starts all over again..

I'm so tired, I'm exhausted, I don't wanna go on like this and the only reason I keep going is for other people, because I know what its like to loose someone, and I know they would be devastated and wouldn't understand..

I don't want that on my conscience as well as all the hurt and worry I've already caused them so I'll soldier on, day by day, but I'm so tired.. I wish I could hibernate for a while

Holly

[Suzie40]

Sometimes soldiering on for someone else's benefit is needed. It gets you through the dark days until you want it for yourself.

Have you had something to eat today? X

[Holly101 in reply to Suzie40]

That's exactly what I always say!! If I can't do it for myself right now, what's wrong with doing it for my family?? And then they hit ye with this shit; oh,but if ye don't do it for yourself it won't work!

But it'll do in the meantime won't it, and its better than the alternative!

Yes I did I had a bananamilkshake and a big fudgedonut,and I just had a tin of soup for my dinner!

Thanks for caring :)) Xx

[redroseart]

hi holly I know what its like to lose someone. hope you are feeling better get your jammies on and put your feet up and watch tv

[Holly101 in reply to redroseart]

I will do It's about that time! Well for me anyway... I just feel safe and like 'another day out of the way' if you know what I mean.. Xx

[Hidden]

Hi Holly

You need to be able to depend upon someone else for a little while and let them look after you - the problem is finding someone. I used to feel like that for many years and did eventually find a therapist but it is hard. I don't know what to suggest other than somewhere residential which might take you or a religious retreat or somewhere similar, but they are so hard to find. I really feel for you. Do take care of yourself because you have helped each of us on the website so you have value for us.

Suexx

[Holly101 in reply to Hidden]

See there you done it again, said something nice to make me feel good! That really is a lovely trait to have

I'm ok, I'm used to being myself and looking after myself, only I'm not very good at it.. Because I don't really care about myself enough at the moment, I don't eat, don't look after my appearance etc. But I've looked after myself long enough to survive.. I must admit I loved being in that rehab for 6months, I felt as if I was being pampered and spoilt rotten, I couldn't believe people were complaining about the food or the beds or whatever.. They always found something to complain about! I was just grateful to get a hot meal MADE FOR ME twice a day, and being warm and looked after!

You never know, something might come up and I might get another chance of getting in somewhere..

That place I was in would take me back in a second, they've tried everything to get me back in, but unfortunately it's all down to the funding, and that's the only thing they can't do anything about.. The staff in there were lovely, well most of them

Whats for us won't go by us, so I'm sure things'll work out somehow..

Love n hugs, Holly Xx

PS what I meant by keeping going for someone else if I can't do it because I care enough for myself, what's so wrong with staying alive for those who care about you? If I didn't have any family I would've gave up a long time ago, but any reason, as long as it keeps you alive, is a good enough reason in my book..

[Suzie40]

Whatever or whoever you're doing it for, it's MUCH better (and less messy) than the alternative! And I'd be very sad if you weren't here! X

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hi Holly,

Nice to hear from you again! The way I look at it, when you feel like you want to carry on for other people - that's the world's way of telling you it doesn't want to lose you just yet and we definitely don't want to lose you on this site!

Glad that you something to eat - I found that difficult today. Around 4 I managed to force myself to go out to the shops as I didn't have anything in...had to get something I could just shove in the oven though. Actually spent most of the day in bed reading a book, funnily enough it was one set in Glasgow.

So sad that the rehab place wants to take you back but can't...we need something like a Kickstarter site for medical funding, I'd contribute to it!

Hope it gets better soon.

[Holly101 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Aw thanks ThemysciraDrive, that's a lovely post!! I know my mum and the rest of my family don't wanna loose me, but its nice to hear yous don't want to either, that's a lovely thing to say!

I know, its hard forcing yourself to eat, do you stay yourself? Maybe if I lived with someone or had kids living with me, I'd cook, but what's the point cooking for yourself when your not hungry anyway and it takes longer to make it than to eat it!

Make sure you eat something every day though, coz you just end up feeling weak and even worse than you already did..

I'm off to bed ThemysciraDrive, but before I do, I've gotta ask you, where does that name come from??

N.nite ,luv n hugs, Holly Xx

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Holly101]

I'm a bit of a comic book geek, Themyscira is the island of the Amazons where Wonder Woman comes from. Drive is from Mulholland Drive, which is a film I like.

You can always call me Will though! Save typing that mouthful of a username I came up with!

[Holly101 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Haha, get ye now! yeah, Will is a bit easier.. How's your day been? XX

[ThemysciraDrive in reply to Holly101]

Better today thank you - back to work after bank holiday, so a bit of routine to get me grounded again. How are you today?

[Holly101 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

It does make you feel better if your forced to go out doesn't it.. I hardly left the house all weekend and ended up feeling right down and depressed, today I had to go to my dayprogram and I do feel better for having been out, sometimes you just have to force yourself I suppose, and interact with people, no matter how much you don't want to!!

I'm glad your feeling better, enjoy it while it lasts

xx

[Hidden]

Hi Holly,

I know what you mean about being tired, it's a right pain eh? Glad you got some food in you that always helps.

I went a wandering today, as needed to get out of my sisters place, I have to be careful where I go as I always seem to get drawn to the wrong places and people. But I ended up at my mums which was good as it is safe there for me .I like the night time as everyone leaves me alone in the house and tomorrow a new day. But I do sometimes wish I was a bear and could hiebinate too. bye for now, keep posting om here, gardener x

[Holly101 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah,exactly my thoughts gardener, I love nighttime coz its quiet and safe and peaceful, you don't need to go out, that's where the hibernating thought came from,I could do that all winter! It's the only time I feel safe and at peace..

I'm glad you were being sensible today and went to your mums place where its safe for you, rather than letting yourself get led astray and end up in dodgy places with dodgy people..

I'm off to bed, as I can hardly keep my eyes open, it is a pain, no matter how much or how little I sleep, I'm still tired!!

Anyway,sleep well gardener, n.nite.

Luv n hugs, Holly Xxx