Tired of feeling unhappy

[Sadgirl17]

So I'm 100% sure I suffer from depression and almost just as sure that I have borderline personality disorder.

It all started with my weight fluctuating as I grew up all my life. The time I finally lost 60 pounds my body became unhealthy and I lost my gall bladder due to bad nuittition. I wasnt eating what my body needed although I was eating healthy.

After I gained twice the weight back my self esteem has vanished and all the confidence I use to have went with it. I honestly don't even know who I am anymore. I was a artist for the logest time and use to enjoy doing ir daily. Now I only draw once a week. I never have the motivation to create anymore and it saddens me as I thought I knew that I was an artist.

I just recently moved to NYC after I'be been dreaming about it most of my life. I made it a reality 3 weeks ago alone.

What concerns me is that now that I'm here I'' still having suicidal thoughts and times where I dont know if I belong here. Its so hard for me to make a real connection with people. I have a hard time making friends. I have no boyfriend or potential lover either. I literally have no one. My phone can go weeks without any texts coming in. It seems as my existance does not matter to anyone. It seems as I cannot hold on to any friendships.

I just want to be fixed already before I actually do something permanent one day because of how down I feel at the moment. Life seems hopeless and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

[Hidden]

Hi no one can 'fix' you except yourself I'm afraid. There are no magic wands though wouldn't it be wonderful if there were? Have you seen a doctor? Are you on any meds? Have you had any counselling? These are all designed to help with depression.

If you don't want to go this route then there is self help. You can access some of this online ie CBT courses, mindfulness etc.

3 weeks is very little time for you to have made friends or to have a meaningful relationship, so don't be too impatient. If this has long been your dream do your best to make it work. Get yourself out and about meeting people and you will make friends, but it does take time. Maybe this is not the right time for you to be in NYC? Could you go back home where you might have family/friends to help and support you? NYC will still be there in the future for you.

Keep talklng to us here and we will help and support you all we can. x

[Sadgirl17 in reply to Hidden]

I cannot afford counseling or medication. My family also does not support help of any kind as they are religious.

Ive looked into CBT courses but nothing seems to stick. Its like my mentally switches randomly on its own and I have my mental breakdowns.

Yesterday I was perfectly fine when I got onto the subway. A few minutes later I couldnt stop crying and wanting to die. I dont understand what triggers my depression or why it comes to often and randomly.

I moved to DC before moving here to NYC and was there for 3 years. All the "friends" I made all became temporary and faded as they would all use me or take from me and didnt value me at all. It always feels one sided when I get into friendships. When I left no one cared or said goodbye to me. These are the signs/evidence that constantly shows that my existance does not matter to anyone.

As for going out and about I am so insecure that I dread the idea of going outside and being alone walking around and I know people stare at me because of my appearence. It feels like I'm in a mental cycle of doubt and negativity. I'm annoyed with myself.

I dont have a "back home". I left an abusive household to be here. There are no home friends.

[Hidden in reply to Sadgirl17]

It sounds to me your issues are as a result of your abusive background? You have to deal with them as they will always keep popping up and destroying your future life and happiness.

I know this from experience as it happened to me as well. I tried to put them in boxes inside my head, but they kept leaking and giving me real problems. It sounds like that's what is happening with you.

I sought meds and counselling along with self help, and while some of my issues remain I can now understand them a lot better deal with them without too much trauma.

I know very little about American Healthcare but aren't there volunteer organisations who can help? How about Medicare? The Obama Health Plan? There is an online site called 'The American Lung Association' and they might be able to help with this side of it. x

[Hidden]

New places and cities can be very lonely it takes time to make friends, sometimes we miss those we leave behind. Never look on some place you have just seen on TV or in books the only way to see a place is to live in it and allow yourself the chance of returning to your old town as that is where you belong

You need to decide what you want and go for it, sad to say this move may not work for you although if just arrived look for friends in clubs where they have the same interests as you. Then you will be able to press the accelerator and enjoy your move

BOB

[Hidden]

Sorry I did not understand what you left behind,

It can be difficult for use to understand America and its Health Service, I have heard the new system takes a lot of flack

Are there any Mental Health Charities you could attend, some of our towns and cities have centres and I was Information Officer in one for about ten years until I moved, I miss them all

You could try a book on Mindfulness, that is a Relaxation Technique with other self help activities. Try Amazon for the book

You are welcome here to talk and gain feedback