Its dark outside...

[Lush__x]

its very dark outside, i feel anxious as winter is coming and i hate the winter. I hate the cold and I hate the dark. It seems to be bringing back memories and feelings from last year when I started becoming depressed. When I was with my ex and travelling to London and sleeping on my mates couch down there.

Went out drinking last night so naturally feeling upset. Did something stupid (again). Why cant I stop these things happening. I know they make me miserable and guilty.

My sister has been home from uni with her boyfriend for the last few days, we fell out years ago and have never really spoke properly since. She went back today though. for some reason i always feel sad when she goes back. i dont no why though. It feels to me like when the school summer holidays are over. I cant put my finger on it,

Shes really happy with him, its nice to see. I hope i find that one day.

Its been a while since ive cried.

I still miss my ex too. I have no idea why though as he was an idiot and horrible and the reason why i have been depressed. It irritates me and I feel i should be over it now as it was 5 months ago. We was only together 9 months.

Im not sure exactly what i miss. i have a suspision i dont actually miss him as a person but miss the times that were happy. I think if i met someone else I really liked I wouldnt be bothered about him anymore.

I didnt get the job I went for because i was pipped to the post...due to my lack of excel experience and i didnt no what a term ment.

I did go for another job but when i got there they told me the role was different to what id been told. I got the job but the salary had been reduced.

I felt so annoyed, felt like id been mislead and went through days of preperation for nothing. I had to turn it down. it was £5000 less than my old job where i have been offered a position back there. even though i do not want to go back to my old job.

Another job that a recrutment agency was putting me forward for didnt come to anything more because the role changed, I really wanted that job it sounded amazing. Then i spoke to an extremly rude recrutment woman. who made me feel stupid for applying for another role. i am going to complain about her.

anyway i just needed to rant and get everything down

[Suzie40]

Hiya

It's funny how we react to different seasons isn't it? For me, winter represent happy times, while spring and summer not so much. Often we associate a time of year with feelings we experienced at the time. For me, summer signifies arguments, break ups and depression. Autumn is new beginnings and hope, and winter feelings of excitement. Spring is always my worst time.

I always feel like crap after I've been drinking, too. For this reason I have not drunk for four weeks and I'm feeling ok about it. I'm guessing the something stupid was something a bit stupid. PM me if you want to share!

Pants about the job, but at least you have identified ways forward and areas for future development (get sme Excel training!) Are there more jobs you're interested in, or has it all gone quiet for now? Sometimes accepting a lesser paid job (if you can manage) is a way to build experience and make contacts.

Has he infamous ex been in touch at all?

Lucy (the artist formally known as suzie34)

[Lush__x in reply to Suzie40]

Hey Lucy, How have you been? great to hear from you

Oh really that is interesting!! Ive always hated winter i just cant be doing with the cold. Where as my friend loves it! im definatly a sun lover haha

I dont go out alot any more which is good but the times i do go out i always wish i hadnt...even if i didnt do anything stupid!

Much better for us folk not to drink... better for our bodies too

the excel thing is a difficult one... i have done 2 courses in excel but i dont think they were advanced enough. it because ive not used it in previous jobs but Id literally need to be told 'do this' and id be able to do it. Its really not difficult but they wont even give ya a chance. Ive used SPSS throughout my degrees and thats a psychological statistical software for analysing data....if i can use that i can flipping use excel lol

Ive not been looking for the last few days but i will keep plodding on!

oh yes i agree, but with the last one the salary they told me it was, was much less than what i was on anyway which was a bummer but i was willing to do it for the experience...then they lowered it even more so out of respect for myself and because i felt id been lied to i turned it down...wasnt easy though and i was gutted about it.

Haha no hes not, i said didnt i that if i didnt respond to him, i was pretty sure he wouldnt contact me again...and i was right! its been nearly 3 weeks since i ignored his call.

Which i am still glad about to be honest, i dont want to speak to him as i know he just has a massive negative impact on my life.

xxx

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

Hi Lucy - I didn't know you were an artist! How strange not to have known that, you must have said sometime.

[Suzie40 in reply to Hidden]

Me? Artist? I couldn't create anything even vaguely artistic! If I were to produce work for an art gallery, it would bring a whole new meaning to 'abstract'!

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

This is where I got the bit about artist from - obviously humour that I don't understand, a perennial problem.

[Suzie40 in reply to Hidden]

Have you heard of a pop star called Prince? He released some stuff then relaunched his career as 'The artist formally known as prince' x

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

Hi, Yes, I know who Prince is but didn't realise that is how he described himself - it makes sense now, thanks!x

[Hidden]

Hi

I identify absolutely with you about the cold and dark and depression. For me it brings up feelings of insecurity and fear - driving back from Manchester at night on the motorway having been to see friends and feeling nervous if I think of the possibility of the car breaking down and so instead having Santana playing so loudly that it's impossible to think of anything else, or walking from the garage to our conservatory through the dark garden and not feeling quite comfortable until I'm inside and have locked the door - reminders of trauma from childhood. You had a hard time last winter and sleeping on someone's couch isn't a secure feeling so it's understandable that you don't like to be reminded of it.

As for your ex - well don. Of course you will miss some things about him, he isn't all bad. But it's great that you are able to realise that despite having had some good times with him overall he was really bad for you and that you don't want that any more. Relationships are never all good but it's not wroth being in one that is so bad for you. I'm glad you have found the strength to ignore him and that he's getting the message.

What's all that about drinking? Take care of yourself won't you, it's ok drinking but don't let yourself be at risk will you, you are worth more than that!

Jobs - tell me about it. I identify absolutely with all you wrote - but you did well to get an interview. I think you are wise to turn down a job if it's so far below your income potential, it wouldn't help you in the long term. Is the job still available at your old place? If so would you consider taking it while you decide how to move on? You could think of doing that, at least you would have the income and you don't have to view it is permanent, just as something you use while you take charge of where you'd like your life to go in terms of work. Also is there another course or qualification that would help you get the kind of work you'd like?

It sounds like you are coping despite so many setbacks which is great. It isn't easy to find work and isn't easy to stay out of a damaging relationship.

I hope everything else is going well for you. It's great to know how you are, lovely to finally begin to see the old names on here (apart from Suzie now being Lucy - I haven't got used to that yet! (smile)).

Suexxx

[gardengnome]

yes as we head towards september apparantly it's the time when the change in daylight is at it's quickest, can't remember the scientific reason why. At the moment I am trying to wake early to get in the most of the precious daylight. Though finding that difficult as somehow I always end up doing some useless activity late in the evening, bit of self-sabotage I guess..

The time in autumn around when they change the clocks drains my energy the most, and when I get home I'm just waiting for the time that I can legitimatly go to bed. Looking round my garden I can see signs of autumn everywhere, and pinching out the tops of my tomatoes was quite a symbolic point, a recognizing that the frosts might come before those flowers could ripen into lush salad.

Still ironically in the cold of march I am busy sowing seeds in pots and my mind is drawn towards the summer ahead which helps, and desperate for something living I have to splash out on cut carnations in the middle of winter. Growing up in a village winter always seemed a safer time, as you could always see around you for miles around, but living in a town now the annoyance of icy pavement takes over, though I'm almost kind of looking forward to some ice now to test the metal grippers I've bought for my shoes..

I do hate the cold and it won't be long before I dig out my oversized trousers, (yes two pairs on) meantime I shall try and make the most of the dry and relative warmth we are promised for the next couple of weeks.

You mention your sister. Growing up can mean growing apart, Some families can manage the cosy-cosy set up of feelgood novels, but for the rest of us in the real world it hard work to take the time to keep in touch amid the hussle of daily life, and after family rows the hurt goes on without a level of diplomacy and forgiveness which would make a U.N. negotiator green with envy. And saying goodbye the other day must have felt like her first leaving home all over again. I am glad you are positive about her boyfriend, trying to keep up relationships with family whoes' partners aren't great is so much more difficult. sorry for the essay but guess I'm in reflective mood too.

[coatpin]

It sounds like you need to get on ebay, and search for a SAD box for seasonal effective disorder. I suffer even if there is a few cloudy days, and feel lathargic, and my brain doesnt want to work, or just feel down and cant leave the house. The sun comes out and I feel normal, the lack of sunshine even effects my eating habits.

So everyone if one of these work, and it maybe helps your onto a winner. it can change your life.!!! Tell your sister you miss her. your ex ,, well it could mean your missing company. ps it is so hard to get a job these days, most of them are being taken by agencies if they are crap you dont get the job.. Its them not you!! chin up,,, and try this suggestion out,, and give us feed back Linda

[Photogeek]

Hi Lush. You are doing well so keep it up. I too feel sad when Autumn comes around. I love Sunlight and get scared about Autumn because my first and most crippling Depression started in Autumn. That was a long time ago. I am glad that you are stong enough not to go back with ex. It's not easy being alone but better than being unhappily married

. I think I will look at getting a light box or start going to the gym

Be careful with your drink . Mostly do something nice for yourself. Good luck with job hunt . Remember you are worth a good salary. Hugs to you.

Hannah

[ThemysciraDrive]

Strange how much bearing seasons can have on us. I'm the complete reverse, I hate the summer. I've been really low ever since it got hot and sunny, I just find it oppressive somehow. I'm alive and at home in the cold and the dark, they seem to rejuvenate me. The world seems more beautiful (or maybe more honest) when it's gaunt and haunted.

What you've written about your ex is uncanny. You could just change the lengths of time and it would be exactly how I feel about my ex-girlfriend. I think you're right, it is the good parts of the relationship you probably miss. I don't like speaking to my ex any more, but I do still miss the relationship, quite a lot sometimes. So I think it is those good memories that I miss.

I actually completely gave up drinking a while ago - every time I went out, although it wasn't very often, I'd drink too much, wind up with a giant hangover and feel bad about myself. So I just stopped totally, for about 6-9 months. Although I have since gone back to having a drink if I feel like it, most of the time I find that I don't feel like it. Even when I do it's usually something fruit-flavoured so I can't taste the alcohol. Have been much happier in my own skin when I go out since doing that, and hangover-free.