Im Back...

[Lush__x]

Well as with all depression you may think its gone but its always going to come back, how STUPID of me to think i could or even deserve to be happy!

I was on here a few weeks ago under a different name, I wrote an awful lot about my move to london to undertake my masters degree and massive problems with the way my boyfriend treated me?...some of you may remember!

Anyway i delete everything as i realised if you searched my name you could see all my posts...but i was starting to get better. The anxiety had gone away and i hardly cried and didnt get bothered about things as much with my bf. i changed pills but this effect seemed to start happening a few days after taking them so didnt no if i was just changing and id had enough of everything with my bf finally!!

over the past 2 weeks we had really bad weekends of arguing so we talked about what we should do and whether we should split up or not. on monday night we both talked and he had decided to finish it....for my own good as he didnt think he was good enough for me and he wanted to see how we both feel when i move back home (which is end of April).

Ive not been bad, only crying once or twice a day (the pills are keeping me together i think) but i seem to be getting worse, today i have cried so much. i feel so lonely and empty and i cant stop thinking things like 'this time last week we was together still', 'this time last week he was on his way down here to london'. i thought i was coping and could almost handle the thought, they killed me on the inside but didnt feel like crying. However now, ive never thought about taking my own life seriously but i am so fed up of being able to think and being upset and i dont want to be without him. i hate the complete change from only last week.

and im so worried his feelings will change and ill be left even more broken than i am now. im seeing him next week/week after to collect my things from his and he said we can have a talk.

i hate the fact i was almost happy again, even stopped going counselling (it wasnt helping anyway at uni) but i didnt put my name down in the end for the CBT cos i wasnt anxious anymore. i thought we would make it through till id finished uni and then start our lives again but its all been ripped from me.

i know they say take your mind off it but when i do that then remember, its like being punched in the stomach. plus i have nothing to do here, dont have any mates. my only saving grace is going home on thursday but ill feel just as empty there. i always expect to feel better about things when i go home but it makes me on edge when am there =s and its not the relief i seem to expect.

[Jeffju]

I think we depressed people will always have the depression to some degree and when you have a traumatic experience, as you have had, it can set it all off again. It's a pig when you have been going so well for some time. Just remember that feeling low after a break up is perfectly normal and to be expected. I lost both my parents last year and had trouble differentiating between depression and grief, I can do that now,..You may need to seek some help from your GP or a counsellor at Uni. And remember that 'normal' people would be hurting after a break up. So don't be too hard on yourself. All the best. xx

[Lush__x in reply to Jeffju]

Yeah that it very true, its just annoying as i felt better.

I think when I next go home ill mention it to the doctor, obviously I have an issue why i end up in relationships like this, this is the 3rd one, but i ended the other 2 myself.

My ex especially seemed so nice at 1st and i couldnt believe how lucky i was and i thought at last all the horrible lads are a thing of the past and then it came out slowly. how is one suppose to know they will turn out like that?!

x

[Photogeek]

Yes a breakup of any sort is heartbreaking, so cut yourself some slack, treat yourself very well, and focus on doing what you want, try not to get stuck thinking of " oh this time last month I was happy" keep busy, join something, make new friends, go to a film, its great for taking your mind off troubles. You are probably very young, and you have a whole lovely life ahead, there will be many men in your life, and I dont know one person who hasn't had a heart broken and a relationship end. Its part of growing up and life, I have been though that and my heart goes out to you but as the song goes "You gotta dust yourself down and start all over again" Big hug. Hannah

[Lush__x in reply to Photogeek]

thank you for your reply, i try to think its not just me theres millions of people going through this but its hard when you feel so inside your own head and alone. im 25 and i do kind of feel like time is running out for meeting someone and settling down, i never thought about settling down until my ex. my career comes 1st for a while and i dont want kids right now but im ready for moving in with someone and starting along that path. he said we will do all that so its letting go of all the future plans too x

[Hidden]

I think I replied to you with "Love should not hurt" there is a great book on the market titled Women who love too much it really helped me. Gentle Hugs x

[Lush__x in reply to Hidden]

Ive just read the blurb for this and it sounds exactly like me....the 3 main relationships ive had have all been bad and ive desperatly tried to make them work. I dont no what a nice relationship should be i guess!

I am going to buy it right now and i hope it helps, thank you very much for the recommendation.

Im very much interested in human behaviour and relationships anyway as im a psychologist!

x

[Hidden]

"Women who love to much"

[Hidden]

Hi again

Oh Lush, you are having a hard time! You know you needn't have worried about people reading all your blogs, you can delete any of them one at a time if you want to, I did with one because I felt it had been self-indulgent and included information about someone that I felt would be hurtful for them to read. We all do that sometimes I'm sure.

It's difficult when the problems tend to occur in relationships because the tendency is to feel up or down according to how the relationships are going when in fact we all need to be able to cary around an inner sense of emotional security. I know from what you wrote before that you don't really have that yet and that will make life hard and relationships even harder. Don't I know that from personal experience.

I wonder is it possible for you to concentrate upon studies and making friends in a more general way until such time as you have the money to pay for private therapy? I do think you would find that helpful but it's impossible to find ongoing help without paying for it, what with all the cuts to NHS and Uni services. Also don't base your thoughts about counselling or therapy upon the one experience - it takes time to develop trust and it sounded as if the person was not right for you from the beginning. I imagine from what you 've written that you would probably be happier talking with someone who was female and gently caring , also to be able to talk over a longer period of time so that you can build up trust and develop some understanding of what a good relationship is - as you say it sounds as if you don't know what that might be like, you could get that knowledge with a therapist.

I didn't know you are a psychologist, so am I! I studied psychology because I needed to understand myself before I could trust that someone else might be able to understand me and help me. It's a great way in, as the understanding you get from studying will help you to begin to understand what's caused your problems and how you might be helped to overcome them and form a really good relationship.

Take care, and don't let anyone else hurt you, you're better than that!

Suexx

[Lush__x in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sue, hope you are well

It was just that alot of my posts were about my ex boyfriend and if he had seen the things i had been saying he would of been hurt (even though it was his fault) and would of ended things saying he wasnt good enough. which he ended up doing anyway :(. But if it had been under a different name then he would have had no chance of seeing them. just didnt want to risk it.

im interested in what you said about carrying around an inner sense of emotional security. what is this exactly? and how do you get it?! lol but that is very true i feel up or down depending on what is going on in my relationships, i assumed everyone felt like this though?

i am able to study better than i was doing when i was on here last, if this had happened then i wouldnt of eaten or stopped crying since last monday! ive still maintained a routine and eaten 3 meals a day. That is a good idea though, id be happy to invest in private therapy when I back in work.

Haha im a psychologist only in the way that ive studied it, and still continuing to do so but im not practicing as of yet. plus my area of expertiese is consumer psychology.

However I have tried and would like to study more about relationships and underlying issues but dont no where to start. So if you have any recomendations that would be fab.

I just feel im going to end up on my own, ill never be married or have kids or a nice family life. I know im only 25 but its only 5 years away from 30 and I never meet people I like.

xx

[Hidden]

Hi Lush - I like the name!

Rather than go into details of ideas here send me a message with your e-mail address and then I can write my thoughts and let you have some ideas. I used to live in London so have some knowledge of what's around in psychology, you are in the best place for opportunities, I wish I was there although I'm now 63 so it's not as important. I did a psychology degree then taught it for years as well as things like counselling and health and social care, then trained and worked as a psychotherapist so I do have a wide knowledge and experience.

I'll get back to you once I hear from you. Keep smiling and studying, you've got your life ahead of you so make the most of it. It only comes once!

Suexx