Sun is Shining but I Feel the Dark Clouds Hovering

[En1234]

I am posting this mainly for myself to read back. I know this may seem and sound silly to a lot of you but sometimes I need to write things down in order to make sense. (If that makes any sense??), so please dont feel that you have to respond.

It is a gorgeous day outside and I am up and dressed, ready with my new book to go and sit in the sun for a couple of hours. I have a new job awaiting me on 4 June and I am terrified and not looking forward to it when I know I should be. (Tweetiepye, if you are reading this, I can almost hear you saying "Oh no, here we go again!! :-)...LOL)...My last 2 jobs only lasted a few weeks before I realised they were not for me and although I feel I will be happy in this role I am worried that I am going to be overcome by those negative thoughts again and not want to be there. I really need routine in my life and since January my life has been all over the place. The job involves 6 weeks of training and then supported training afterwards. I was assured that it would take at least one full year before I would feel really settled and know what I was doing. I will not be the only one starting on this date so I should not feel out of place and on my own.

So what is happening here?? Why am I feeling like this?? I still have over one week to go and the panicky feelings have returned.

It is not helping any that my son is still not speaking to me. My flat is too small for this kind of atmosphere although I have stuck to my guns and not pandered to him. In some ways I miss him but in others I am starting to enjoy the peace and quite?? Is this wrong of me??

The way I am looking at it is that it doesnt seem to be doing him any harm, it doesnt seem to be bothering him the way it is me, so WHY should I be worried?. I am trying to tell myself that as long as he is going to his job, coming home and not causing any bother, he is safe and looks fine, then that is the main thing. If he wants to speak to me, he knows where I am. I am not shouting and bawling at him but if he passes me I smile but just get on with my day!!

I have never been a single mother to a 19 year old boy before so I dont know what is "normal" and most of my friends have teenage girls, not boys!!.. A lot of the online info on this subject has totally confused me so much that I just end up getting upset by some of the stuff I have been reading that I am just giving it a wide berth now!!

Phew!! Well thats me got that off my chest!!

Hope all of my friends on here are OK today and now I am off out to sit in the sunshine and TRY and relax.

Theresa

XXXXXXX

[Blue42]

Well done you. You should be very proud of youself xx

[Hyperone]

En1234... all your feelings seem perfectly normal..as far as your son your doing exactly what you should be doing. YOUR a Mom he will come too you when he needs you..good luck in your new job

[Stilltrying_]

Agree with Hyperone. You're normal!!! And a lovely woman. Hope you managed to relax today xxx Sending hugs, Gemma xxx

[En1234 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you Gemma!! Big hugs straight back at you XX. I had a nice day in the sun. Being totally spoiled here with the weather at the moment. Im getting browner as the days are going by. A woman asked me today if I had actually been abroad its so hot.

I hope you are feeling OK and that today is being kind to you..

Theresa

XXXXX

[Starrlight]

I write to decipher the meaning of my thoughts, too, just makes more sense. It sounds like you are doing it all right. Hope you had a relaxing time today in the 🌞

[En1234 in reply to Starrlight]

Hi there Starrlight!!

Im glad its not just me then. Sometimes I find myself coming on here and just type away (even if its just for a couple of minutes) and by the time I am finished, I feel as though I have lost some of the burden. Reading it back its as though you are reading someone else's problem and as you know, we as people, always have the answers to someone else's problems but never seem to manage our own?? I suppose its the same as being good at giving advice but not so good at taking your own advice yourself. Strange that??

Anyway, nice having this wee chat to you too and hope you are OK today!!

Theresa XXX

[Starrlight in reply to En1234]

Good insight! Yes it does seem we can take a step back and observe our feelings or issues. Yes, strange we seem to give advice but harder to take it! Everything seems bigger yet farther away from sight when it’s our problem. Ha if that makes sense.

I’m having a productive day, has not been too easy but am glad I accomplished. Thanks nice chatting with ya!

[sweetiepye]

Well first off never think that I am judging you. I have all those self doubts and emotional estrangements from some of my kids. I think people pleasers raise kids to feel entitled. This isn't necessarily about money. I am and will probably always be a people pleaser . I am at least aware of it, and when I start to feel resentment toward someone I know I have lapsed back. So I keep trying and trying... It takes some time to change behavior and thoughts. You are doing great and being nervous about a new job is so ' normal ' Here are some clues you might be a people pleaser... Are you ok ? anything I can do for you..... What do you need ?..... Sure I can do that, just let me cancel my Drs. appt....... No problem, anytime, just ask. I am a mess but people love me. By the way, if you ever run out of that Mom guilt, I've got plenty to share. Pam

[En1234 in reply to sweetiepye]

Morning Sweetiepye,

I would never think you were judging me. I am always grateful to you for any advice or tips you can give and look forward to many more messages from you in the future.

As for being a People Pleaser, you have hit that nail right on the head!. I have been a people pleaser all my life. I grew up thinking I wasnt "good enough" and always seeking assurance and reassurance for practically everything I did and it has been the bain of my life. I was never a confident wee girl and when my son was born I was determined he was not going to grow up feeling like that. Its the same if I feel I have offended someone (never usually intentionally), I go away and beat myself up emotionally and am never done apologising.

I do tend to cancel things to please other people and then wonder why I am the one left feeling hurt when they dont to the same for me. As a matter of fact, it happened yesterday. A "friend" of mine was supposed to be meeting me in order that we could go somewhere nice as the weather is so good right now. I was really looking forward to it and had my clothes all ready the night before etc. She called and cancelled right at the last minute yesterday morning with an excuse (and I now know it be have been an excuse) because as it turned out she been out with some other person the night before getting drunk and the reality was that she just couldnt go out yesterday as she was nursing a hangover! and yes I felt really hurt and let down. Sometimes it all about "liking" myself. I am forever being told that I am very self-critical and very hard on myself. I need to start being kinder to me.

Today is a new day, the sun is still shining and I am going to be VERY kind to me today!!

Lots of love and hugs winging its way to you over the ocean!!

Theresa. XXXX

[sweetiepye in reply to En1234]

I hope it helps. I will tell you as I continue to work on this people will tell me I am not as nice as I used to be. Which to me means I'm not being a push over. I still like to do things for people, I just make sure it's my idea and something I want to do. You sound so much stronger than you think you are. I can be a beast now if I need to be. I usually keep it reigned in. Pam

[Zoea]

Thanks for posting and best of luck in your new role! Especially if it's a larger company, you'll want to have a think about disclosing any mental health diagnosis you have and feel fits to the employer so they can be aware that they can make accomodations. There are also government funds they can use to help you as you start and so on (quite a lot of money is available for companies to use to onboard people per new starter with MH across a couple of schemes, though I don't know the details, facebook.com/twiningenterpr... (Twining) can help here).

I wish you and your son well !